Attorney called a bit ago to just check with me and make sure I had no change of heart about filing or wanted to wait a while. I said no, he's gone. What would be the point of delaying? I know him. He's not going to come back. His pride wouldn't let him admit to such a terrible error in judgement. Even if he and his student don't work out, I think for him to come back to me would be to admit publicly he'd made a mistake. I don't see it happening.

I'm also thinking that even with service of legal documents in class, I will hear nothing from him. He'll respond through an attorney I'm sure. He wouldn't want me to know if he's upset or angry.

Sister is here for the week. It's good. Even though I know this is what I must do, it's emotional to know tomorrow will be step 1 in ending what was a good life till a few months ago. Sometimes it seems surreal that what you've known as your life can so totally change in so short a time period. The way my H's done this, total no contact, is almost like experiencing a death. There's a total void of his presence, pretty much like my mother.

Hey LLL,

Despite your strong sense of conviction, I'm sure it's still kind of a tough night for you. Hang in there. I know you will. I'm glad your sister is with you. I know the dogs make for good company, but sis' can probably be just a bit more supportive. Plus, you won't have to take her for a walk right before bedtime......

Funny, reading what you wrote about knowing your H, and him not coming back, and the reasons why. Kinda reminds me of Skattorney. Well, something to think about, nonetheless....

Take care, LLL, and let us know how you're doing.

TB

Seems to me it's not just him that's eager to make a clean, fast break from a painful situation...

Self-discovery is one of the positives that a BS can get from sticking with the pain for a while. Doesn't mean it's compulsory. Just be aware that you're taking a shortcut, and get honest with yourself about why.

TA

I've told you before, my XWH did the same thing to me. When he wouldn't end the A, I went to Plan B but really he Plan B'd me. And Dark too.

Yes, it hurts like h3ll but sometimes I think it helps the healing. After 2 1/2 years now, it's almost like my M never happened. I feel like I am looking at someone else's life or that he was a person that I knew but really didn't know. It's strange.

So, we never want to hear this but it boils down to time.

I kind of agree. LLL you came to MB on 17th Jan and by 2nd Feb had decided to divorce. By 12th Feb paperwork was almost ready to file.

That's less than a month, without a Plan A (apart from the stick) or Plan B that I can tell. I am afraid that you are getting caught up in the emotions and not giving yourself time to live with the pain (and hence grow) for a while.
Even though I have finally made the decision to divorce, I am very glad that I did my best to save our marriage. I know that I will have no regrets. I just hope that you will be able to say the same.

TM

Hey LLL,

I was just wonderin'... Back at the ripe ol' age of 23 I took a Strongs Cambell interest inventory test to see where I fit in as a profession. Turns out my highest score was Colledge Professor.
After seeing how the secular Gods like colledge professors are such "legends in their own minds", or become such occasionally I realize with my good looks and charisma mixed with my need for approbation I would have probably turned out to be what I call a "Sexual intellecual" like your WH. A "F*ckin' Know-it-all". A joke yeah but a referance also to a conceited individual who thinks with the wrong head,(or feelindgs) cuz hes so entitled. (Hope the joke doesn't offend you).

Im 52 now but do you think I can get that score changed? Yeah and thats a joke too.

He might never see what he has lost in you or understand how the priveledge of suffering for each other while we grow is more valuable than cold comfort and BS of being in control. So what? You do.

I grew up when I realized I would never be able to understand the sacrifices that were done for me so I could live free. The wars that would allways exist and the Men/Women who gave up their life so I could make a free will choice. I am still learning that. I will allways be learning that and honoring that too I hope.

So, I feel a little petty because I so much want to see your WH get served in class along with OW. But its so sweet..In objectivity what I really hope is that he mans up and gets a clue. He is a proffessor for Gods sake, (oops forgot NOT for GODS sake, his sake), shouldn't our education system be based on humilty and serve others??

Well, LLL knows her H. She knows that he will never come back to the M as he is too pround and will not admit a mistake. He has demostrated so by going NC imediately. Just like my H. It was kind of useless for me to send him a plan B letter (but I did) since he went dark with me right away and still is.
I think that WS that act cold like this and act as if you were dead are actually done with the M no matter what happens with OP. Reading on this forum I see that it is true in 99% of the cases.
Why waste precious years after someone who is done with you and the M? These kind of men will not come back to the M once the A ends. And since they do not like to make mistakes they will prolong the A as much as possible just to show others that they were right and that it was true love and it was worth leaving the W for the OW.....
Sure they will be miserable, sure, they will regret what they did. But nobody will ever know it as they will not tell.
So why deal with a wall where things just bounce off....
I admire LLL for the ability to analyze and understand her H fully and the courage to move on and love herself especially at a time like this when a BS feels so diminished and unloved.
blessing

This bears repeating, I think (emphasis mine).

I agree with what atena and Fred said...

I know some of you don't think I've read the MB materials, but I have. Tell me how you do a plan A when I've spoken to my H exactly once in the past month for less than 15 minutes? He doesn't want contact, and I'm not about to chase him. The last time I saw and spoke to him he wanted me to agree to mediate and have me go away nicely. That was 2 weeks after he left. I refuse to be unrepresented by legal counsel and deal with his idea of a quiet divorce where he calls the shots.

I went through exposure, maybe not as much as some of you wanted, but as much as I could stomach and still retain some degree of self-respect. Exposure, thanks to the campus rag, is pretty complete for my H and its had zero effect as far as I can tell, but then again, he doesn't tell me anything, so I have no way of knowing other than that he is a)still living with OW b)still has his job

I think you have to give me some credit for knowing what my H is like after 29 years and what I am wired to be able to tolerate.

I am getting a strong feeling that I do not belong on this site. I have taken a different path than the prescribed Plan A and B but the one I can handle and tolerate. Even Dr. Harley's writings say that his marriage would be over if he found out his wife was cheating. Each of us has to do what we can live with.

I miss my marriage as it was for many years. It is gone. I will surely feel its absence, but I won't waste my life waiting for a man I no longer recognize.

I think your right on there Atena

yeah but if you leave we would miss having such a solid person here and some of us wanna hear how the serving goes.

When I came here melodylane told me not to hang around to long and get triggered cuz my wife has passed away now. It is good advice. But I decided to stick around and learn what mistakes I might have made in judgement and where I made them. More for clarity because I was overcome with guilt. But I also think I have conttributed to some clarity of others on the way.

I still am here helping others, (I hope so anyways), and supporting wha marriage should be. I hope you stick around and do so also. I am sure you have a lot to offer.

I think too many women here wring their hands going on about how lost they are without him.

You bring a breath of fresh air and a strong sense of what a woman offended by adultery should be thinking, if she thought of herself as deserving of value and respect.

We need that here. I think more marriages could be recovered if betrayed spouses recognized that they don't do themselves any favors by not believing themselves deserving of better treatment.

LLL, if you don't belong on this site then neither do I. However, I've read multiple times that "this is Marriage Builders, not 'marriage at all cost.'"

I think you have read the information, looked at your marriage and your WH's actions and have correctly come to the conclusion that despite 29 years together, your marriage is beyond salvation.

My situation is very much like yours. From the moment my WW told me the marriage was over, she has not acted in any way to suggest anything else. For me to chase after her at this point would be fruitless and would be akin to subjecting myself to emotional cancer. Whatever the reason --personality disorder, mid-life crisis, menopause or something else-- she has adopted a firm stance and even if she thinks she's in error, will go down with the ship "proving" that she did not make a mistake.

We don't have to go down with them.

There are some posters here who I feel truly don't belong. I won't list them; I think we all can identify one or two. But you strike me as one who listened, read, followed the MB program to the best of your ability and means, and made the very tough decision to move on with your life.

I have done the same. One of the lessons I have learned here (something echoed from a line my mother used that would drive me nuts): "Never is a very, very long time." Thus, I won't say that my marriage to The Leopard will never be recovered. I will just say that I am going to go on with my life as if it won't, and we'll just see how things play out. Another thing I'm reminded of is that I do not have control over anything other than the way I feel and respond to things. So can only take care of myself one day at a time and trust God/nature/karma to take care of the rest.

Please stick around. You and I share a lot of similarities in our stories, and I'd hate to think I didn't belong here. I've learned and grown a lot since I arrived. We can help others learn the MB concepts and to decide for themselves what they want/need to do with their marriages.

You DO belong. We all may take somewhat different paths. No one chooses to have the kinds of experiences that lead us to a site like this. We come here, we learn a bit, we cope, we receive support and encouragement by others and then we eventually support ourselves. Then, we reach out a hand to help another. Those are all GOOD things.

I'd say you fall into each of those categories.

A good friend on this website a while back told me that this was going to be hard, but that I needed to drive. Some drive slowly, he said, while others drive like they're behind the wheel of a brand new Toyota. (The Toyota part is me, not him. His comments were pre-Toyota recall.....) The fact is, we all need to drive. You are driving. And well, I might add.

I hope you stick around. I certainly have found your comments and insight helpful.

Thanks,
TB

Thank you Sorted and Kayla...(and TB)....

I'm somewhat on edge today as might be expected since H will be served tonight. I think this will, however, end up being much ado about nothing as he will not react to me in any way. And, frankly, its probably better. I hate hysterics and scenes. Nothing is accomplished.

I came in to the office to get some things and answer emails, then I'm headed home to snuggle with the dogs and relax today. Probably will alternately watch tivo'd olympics and my favorite old movies. Things are slow at the office and I'm glad. My concentration is not 100%.

My sister is going to create one of her huge gourmet extravaganza meals for me (and one giant mess in the kitchen), one of my good friends who's divorced after OW episode, and herself. I'm breaking out the good china for the 3 of us and all the candles I can find. Dogs will get special meal on good china also. We're heading into divorce-land in style.

You're playing it like a champ, 3L. Heck, break out the good napkins, too!

FWIW, I've admired your strength and determination in an overwhelming experience. I'd hate to see you leave. (And Fred, don't think you're going anywhere, either! )

I just wanted to chime in and say to you, LLL, that this thread is exactly what MB Forums needs! Some people think that MB is all Plan A, Plan B, save every marriage, and it's NOT! Dr. Harley makes it very clear that a BS has EVERY RIGHT to end a marriage once trust has been broken by an A. He himself, as you pointed out, says that he would not tolerate an A in his own marriage and would go straight to Plan D.

Please don't leave. You have literally provided a template on how to carry oneself with dignity, head held high, when deciding that divorce is the "least-worst" option for YOU.

New posters need to know that not every marriage can be saved, nor should every marriage be saved!

Bravo!

Just chiming in to agree with everybody else LLL. Your thread has been enligtening and I belive helpful to others. Don't forget that there are hundreds of lurkers that don't even post but follow your story and gain inspiration from your strength.

Personally, I wouldn't want to be part of a community where everybody had to agree on everything. I wouldn't want to be part of a community where everybody had to do everything the exact same way every time. Each of us are unique and handle things in our own way.

Please stick around. You are contributing more then you know...

Oh...and my thoughts and prayers are with you on this difficult day.....

Mindshare

LLL, I want to point out one other thing that the great posters here haven't touched on quite yet. MB isn't just about M recovery, it is also about PERSONAL R. If you use the tools that DrH has set out(Plan A, Plan B) then you will get to a place where you will be ready to let go and you will feel okay about doing it.

I am sure that here is so much that you would be able to offer some other people(and you already have). They always say that the best way to learn something is to teach it. You did all of the reading on here and you lived it.

Some people on here R their M before they found MB, or they only got to Plan A and didn't have to go any further, but they are still here to lend support.

Whichever way you choose to go, I hope that you look back on MB fondly.

Take care.

Hi LLL,
I�m a lurker and have been following your journey.

I admire your strength and ability to stand up for your self, not only in how you handled your self after DDay, but also here on MB. I wish I had that, then maybe I would have been able to find support here.

My self esteem has been shattered by my H�s A. When I came to MB I felt badgered here and unable to find support. I know I was probably overly sensitive, but that comes with a shattered self esteem. So I resigned to lurking .... I LOVE how you stood up for your self, your M and your choices.

Your thread will be cited often for a long time to come. So either way, you have contributed your journey to MB.

Thank you and good luck.