I have been thinking about what you have written regarding telling her fiancee. I have slept on it and thought about it today and i am not going to do this. My reasons are as follows: THe affair happened over 6 months ago. SHe was not involved with this man then. SHe may have issues surrounding fidelity and marriage but i hope for her sake that she will be able to muster some morals and make a go of her marriage with this man. Wether she does or not is really nothing to do with me. I have been bemoaning the fact that she is still a part of my life and wading in and getting involved and starting a discussion with her fiancee would only invite more contact with her - for me and more damagingly i suspect with my husband. As it is they bearly speak - i trust my husband on this. And i have a friend who also works in the tiny office, very closely with my H who would tell me if i needed to be concerned.

In addition, if a man had told me when i was engaged to my husband that he had had an affair with his wife previously, i dont think i would have paid much attention. I was madly in love with him at that time (and have been mostly since) and would have thought that some bitter person raking up the past and senselessly trying to ruin things. I would have disregarded the information and trusted that even if he had done something dubious in his past, that at lease since we had been together i knew him to be an upright morally sound person. I can only hope for the two of them (the OW and her fiancee) that this is the case and close the door on it and leave it all at that. If she is indeed rotten to the core as some of you suspect (and maybe i do too) then i fear that he must discover this himself. If she is able to turn around and be honorourable, then i beleive in being the bigger person and allow her to give it her best shot and genuinely start afresh. Only time will tell.

With regard to Plan B - thank you for your views on this. If i have understood it right, the idea is tat i will cease contact with my husband until he complies with my wish for him to completly cut off the OW? If this is the case, i think that i am past this stage. THe discovery day was at the start of August. THe next morning (i discoverd at night time) he broke off his relationship with her. There has been no sexual or emotional contact since - actually there was from her but it was not reciprocated. I trust my husband. And we are making this work - admittedly it may be a bit of a more rocky path, but it is working. I think that to go to Plan B with him now would be an almost pointless step back.

As far as exposure goes, i feel that we have exposed the affair to almost everyone. Two of his colleagues and friends of ours know about it and his bosses wife (who is my friend but doesn not work there) also knows. His family knows. My family knows. His friends know, my friends know our friends know.

All of this combines to give me a feeling of security which i trust in. I do not think that she is an ongoing threat. The affair ended months ago and my husband IS a different person to who he was then. IF she had failed to become attached to someone else, then perhaps she would have continued to pursue him but i am sure (as i can be) that he would have continued to reject her advances.

I hope that i do not sound as though i am rejecting your advice and help, i value your support and wisdom in this difficult time very much. Especially the comparison with seeing someone's nicer/bigger house. It does make me a little bit sad/envious but ultimately when i get back to my home, i know i'm in the right place. i realise that my bitter and selfish reaction to her engagement was just that bitter and selfish and pointless to indulge those negative feelings. I need to focus on MY life and MY relationship

Thank you all for everything - and any future thoughts or advice that you care to share. xxx

GUESS WHAT??

My husband just called me to say that the OW has resigned and will be moving to Colorado! I could NOT be happier! I cannot beleive that it's all turned around so quickly. This means that very soon he will be going NC with her and i feel that the next stage in our recovery can really begin.

It feels like i just found the missing peice of the recovery puzzle and i'm very optimistic about the future now

Sorry but YOU ARE WRONG.

Could this M R? YES. Can it recover this way, your way? YES. Will it R well this way, MOST LIKELY, NO.

You need to expose to OW's finance. He deserves to make his own decisions based on ALL of the RELEVANT behaviour and this is one example of some. What he does with the information, is none of your concern. How are you going to feel in say 10 years, when POSOW cheats on her DH with someone else and ruins her family? Will you be able to feel guilt free? I wouldn't. I would feel so bad. POSOW is NO FRIEND to M and she will hold her M in even less respect then she did yours.

Also, if you do not have NC in place, then I am sorry to inform you of this, but you are NOT doing this the MB way. The affair still continues. The addiction is still there.

You feel secure in the fact that your WH is not continuing an affair because you have people to watch him. How did he have an affair in the first place? What have you done to make sure that doesn't happen again?

You will learn a lot about M on here. Your sitch isn't new, it has been discussed on here over and over again. Your WH is not new to us. It has been seen time and time again. I thought my sitch was "special". Well, IT WAS NOT.

Listen to the vets. Do what they suggest. Good luck

You are sort of describing my stich. I did not need exposure or plan B . DH eneded the A the next morning via phonecall. ALL of this was prior to me finding MB so I did nto go thru NC letter etc.
I agree with the Trust theory, but in reality I operate with the Trust but Verify philosophy until the trust has rebulilt to a point that I verify less and less so it worked for me.

Except and this is a biggie

DH and OW did NOT work together infact she lives in a different countuy all together so NC was easier to firmly establish. DH when thru withdrwal fog etc but using MB and counselling with the harveys we got on track.

That being said if indeed OW is moving as you described then NOW is when the real recovery for you might begin.
So Plan A
Trust but verify
Set EP's in place to prevent future A's on either part .

Now is the time for you to jump into MB and use the tools to move past OW and fix your own.

Everyone here gives advise based on their own experience but there are many vets here who have seen false recoveris and BS's blindly trusting again cause they want and then falling into a bigger hole. So keep your eyes and ears open for your gut felling. Any red s are not be ignored UNDER ANY CIRCUMSATNCES.

Read your own quote above over and over till you realise that you are admitting it aloud.

Until there is complete NC there is NO chance of recovery even begining.
ALso once NC is established by her moving away be prepared for the POSSIBILITY that you H might enter into the withrwal fog. If you are prepared for its possibility its wont be as hurtful and painful for you if and when it happens.
I hope for your sake that your F?WH has indeed moved past her and she is out of the picture the 2 of you and rebuild and strengthen and have a wonderful and happy future

PEA,

Look up OW on facebook, her fiance is there in her friends, send him a message, at the very least this man should be informed to keep a lookout for similar behavior.

Affairs can flame up in the future too, with communications being so easy, your sending a strong signal you will not take any guff from her. Expose to her and fiances family too.

Gamma

Iwannamoveforward - i can see why you would think that i have admitted something tht i might not have wanted to but what i am saying is that although there is no 'untoward' contact between them at the moment and the affair is well and truly dead between them, they do still see each other. The developement of her moving away will mean that there will truly be NO CONTACT between them and this will allow me to live my life more freely. Yes, i will still be concerned when he works late in case there is someone else there but i have not been worried aobut anything continuing or flaring up between him and this affair partner since i discovered it. I am confident in the fact that there never was a future for them both. It still hurts and he still should not have done it. It is still a massive obstacle for us to overcome but havinvg her out of th picture emotionally (which we do at the moment) and physically which we will soon have will give us an even great chance of recovery and reconciliation.

The more I hear about speaking to her fianc�e the more I withdraw from the idea. I am sorry if this is not the Marriage Builders way � but if what you are all saying is true, that someone who has been involved in an affair is always tainted then why would I be fighting so hard for my relationship with my husband. His affair is what I believe to be the worst thing about him, and we are still working on overcoming the issues which lead to his affair and recovering from the affair itself. CRUCIAL to all of this is the belief that he has changed and will not repeat his mistake. I think that the same has to apply to her. I hope that on some level she will view what she did as a mistake and now that she is entering in to a marriage herself I hope that she will do so with respect for her husband and with her eyes open to the dangers and pitfalls that may cross their path. I think that communicating with her husband, however covert, open, brief or detailed it is, would be sabotaging something which is well outside the realm of my concern. The question of �wouldn�t I want to know before I married my husband if he had been involved in an extramarital affair� is one I have been examining all day. And the answer is no. If he had been and then cheated on me � would it have stopped me from marrying him? No. It would have made for some difficult conversations maybe and ended with the marriage and the promises that brings. I would have believed it all as much as I did when I married him. All it would have done is add to my feeling of humiliation and stupidity now. Further to that, speaking to her fianc�e now could flare up a situation which I do not want to be involved in AT ALL. She is leaving, so good riddance, let�s all get on with our lives.
My concern now is me and my husband, the clean slate that we are being given and our new relationship together. Founded on honesty, transparency, trust, openness, respect, empathy and compassion.
When I first discovered his affair and went to London, I spoke to my therapist about him working with her still while I was far away. Her response surprised me but gave me strength. She said that him seeing her day in day out was probably a good thing. Her reasoning was that she would not become some almost perfect being, lusted after and longed for while they were apart. Seeing her everyday would �demystify� her. I think there is a lot of truth in that. He maintains that he feels nothing when he sees her and that although it was awkward to start with her got over that.
Most important to all of this is the fact (FACT) that our marriage now his focus. He looks forward to coming home in the evening and the love is there. It was gone � before his affair it had faded away and I hadn�t realized, but now that its coming back I feel it�s full force and comforting weight in my life and his. We have been through hell getting over this without the support from family and friends close by and in unfamiliar surroundings and facing up to some ugly truths in our characters and making them better. He says now that he is grateful that I stuck with him when he wanted me to go, and he told his parents that I saved him. He was suicidal before/during/after his affair and despairing at his life and what to do and wanting everything to end. His affair was a self destructive maneovre borne out of desperation and depression. I am proud of what we have rebuilt and I am happy. He is proud and happy too.
I have taken on board, loud and clear, the idea of a future affair happening. I know that probably all BSs think this but I do think it is unlikely � if he becomes depressed and withdrawn again, we know the signs to look out for. I had a hunch one night that he was with her and I will trust this more if that feeling repeats itself. I will be on the lookout. Trusting but vigilant.
If it does happen again, then I am well and truly done. One book I read (you, him and the other woman) states that getting over the hurt of the affair and reconciling with your cheating husband involves the realization that to trust again, on some level, you must be willing to be hurt again. I am struggling with this concept but it�s true. And if it doesn happen (pray not), then I will walk away with dignity. I cannot go through this again. We have both learned so much about ourselves and each other and if we do start to wear our wedding bands again I hope they will serve as a reminder of all that we have learned and to help us not stop trying to be as good a husband or wife as we can be. To not stop making the effort and acting in a way that best benefits the relationship, not either of our selfish needs/desires.
I realize I have done a complete 180 since yesterday being all depressed about her moving on but this development of her moving away has really opened up a wide open road for us to travel down together � the two of us without her presence lurking near us at every turn. It gives us a new freedom for our future and I�m excited.
I hope you all have a good weekend. My DH and I are off to celebrate the news that the OW is leaving Miami. I will toast you all too � thank you x

Good-bye, and good luck, Pea123.

I hope you're not back here again in a year or two...

Pea,

I hate to burst your bubble about this, but the mere fact of her moving does not necessarily mean recovery. We are 1200 miles from OW. After 15 months of NC, my H contacted OW via email and phone to "see if there was something still there". And there was. OW and H communicated for about 10 days and only stopped when I made an appt with a divorce attorney. Even so, I had no idea about the depth and content of contact until 3 months later when H finally fessed up.

Bottom line: Recovery takes significant effort from both spouses and great introspection from the WS. Anything less than that is not really recovery or the establishment of romantic love between the partners.

AM

You are truly filled with fog and I wish you all the best.

Why do I say you are foggy?

in the last 48+ hours what has changed in your MARRIAGE?

NOTHING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

So the OW is moving away. Does that mean NC? Nope. Ever hear of a phone or the internet?

When I said that if you did it this way, it was not MB, I MEANT IT. You can't pick what you like and leave the rest.

I have seen 4 marriages in my immediate family torn apart by adultery. They vary in severity. Mine is the last one to take the hit. I am also the only one doing it the MB way.

Does that mean that the other 3 have no chance? Well, my sister is D. Her new bf, she isn't so happy(trust issues). My SIL is "happy" except that her AP has cheated on her and she has cheated on him and they have 2 kids together(plus her 1 from M and his 2 from previous 2 M). And my Mom and Dad. Well, my Mom just stopped by my house on her way to my Dad's for her "date" with my Dad while her AP is working. Sound good? Not to me either.

I hope that you can see that just because OW is moving doesn't change a darn thing about your marriage and the state of it.

I would tell the fiance because he deserves to know what he is getting in to. I would not expect him to change his plans on marrying her, but personally if I knew that my WH had a history of cheating, I would probably have been wiser to the signs.

If your WH was an alcoholic and he said he would never drink again, but everyday on his way home from work, he stopped for just one shot of tequila, would you say that he was sober? I think you would. Would you be right? No. You would be just as wrong as you are with this.

FWIW I am with you on not bothering to expose to OW fiance. It can come back and bite you in the butt later but like you said, if your DH has not learned a darn thing from the pain and attempt at R with your M then he is destined to repeat it anyway. Could be with current OW or another one in which case I am out the door anyway. IMHO opinion expoure is NECESSARY to end the A and if the A has ended then exposure past that point is simply a tool for revenge.
What I read the other posters here saying (each in their own way) is that mere NC is not enough to recover the marriage alone. After NC the real road to recovery begins.
Dont be scared by that...

Read up on Plan A, Ep's and 15 hrs of Undivided Attention etc and other MB principles. You are going to need this going forward in order to achieve a sucessful recovery.

In the immediate I can see how having her move away gives you a sense of better recovery, but emotions are sneaky. Being a BS there are lots of layers of hidden pain that will surface LATER and if you don�t REBUILD your M it will be susceptible to being doomed. Once you are passed he danger of imminent threat to the M (ie OW moving away) TRUST ME there will set in an ANGER PHASE. It will rear its ugly head and if you have not set up the cushion of rebuilding that love using something like the MB principals that anger will crush you new M.
Few months past D day I had not seen the anger that I was warned about and I thought I really love my H and are fully recommited to him and making this work. I WONT FEEL THE ANGER CAUSE HE IS REALLY A MODEL WH DOING ALL THE RIGHT THINGS TO BECOME F. Inspite of that the anger came and thanks to being here and MB I was able to live thru that without destroying my M.

Stay on board get all the advise you and get. Everyone here has been there done that and can help you avoid make the same mistakes that they have seen happen over and over to those who shut their ears to what CAN happen. Does not mean it will it just means it CAN and you need to be aware and prepared for that and in many case be able to prevent it.