But have you really read . .. everything . . . and compared what you have read to your situation.

Listen to Mel. Develop a plan and then do the plan.

Larry

Oh, and I also agree with Mel on your MC. That woman is an idiot and should be fired. She has damaged your family. She is trying to do cognitive therapy instead of marriage counseling.

Larry

Yes, Yes, Yes to EVERYTHING that MelodyLane is telling you, JH!

Please listen - I am a FWW [Former Wayward Wife], what Mel is telling you about the addictive nature of an affair is dead on the money...

Your husband does NOT need time to "think" as you mentioned - his thoughts are jumbled and conflicted right now - they are clouded by his addiction - and I KNOW that is hard for you to grasp right now - you think he is the same man you fell in love with and have trusted all these years - HE IS NOT! He is like every other wayward - lying and manipulating...whatever it takes to get his fix...

There is NOTHING for him to think about - he already made his choice when he married YOU - there is no choosing otherwise...

You think because he's been "honest" with you about his "feelings" for the OW [and trust me, he has NOT told you the real depth of them] that you can believe him - NO! Please do not be fooled.

As Mel said, he is comparing you to a FANTASY - None of us can compete with a fantasy. He has not lived everyday life with this OW - In his head she is always fixed up - smelling great - everything is pretty near PERFECT. There has been no morning breath - dirty laundry - stomach flus - bills to pay - bad moods/PMS - None of that that he has seen with you - so OF COURSE she is gonna look DAMN GOOD to him...JH, the ONLY WAY is for contact to END for LIFE...COLD TURKEY...There need not be any "closure"...This IS a "my way or the highway" situation...Not heeding the advice you are getting here would be at your own peril...I implore you to listen if you have any prayer of saving your marriage...

Mrs. W

jh- I have only been around for a few months and what I will tell you about is EXPOSURE is DO IT.

There are many people on here, and all of the people who DID NOT expose, REGRET that decision. NONE of the people who expose regret doing it. I exposed and what I regret was not exposing ENOUGH(I couldn't find POSOW's family right away and I don't know if I got her mom and bro).

Listen to ML, she knows what she is talking about. Plan A without the stick part is affectionately called Plan DOORMAT around here. Don't do that, it will not help you.

I CRINGED when I read that your WH's list had you and POSOW as the SAME. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You didn't get upset by that. YOU ARE HIS WIFE. You gave him years of memories and you made VOWS to him and you are on an EQUAL footing? You need to fight this A and fight HARD. How? You PLAN A and then if you need to(which is HIGHLY likely in a cake eater case) you move on to PLAN B.

......THANK YOU MELODYLANE..................................

JH - i checked my very first post, it was in October, my daughter's wedding was 2 months away.

WH said contact ended in May....everyday contact all day long, yes, but in June, 3 days after our 25th wedding anniversary, which he planned and said he wanted, said he had chosen me, he spoke with her again. at this time he says it was purely platonic, nothing......then later in June he sees her at a lunch that he went to WILLINGLY KNOWING SHE WOULD BE THERE, once again honest he tells me, tells me he felt nothing.

July, sporadic texting, he says there were plans to fix the brakes on her car, but she would not be there, her husband was bringing it in. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

August: sees her again lunch, once again went willingly, comes home and says all he felt was guilt.. mind you he only told me about these things after the fact, not before, why? BECAUSE HE KNEW HE WAS WRONG, HE KNEW I WOULD FREAK, HE KNEW HE WAS PLAYING WITH FIRE HE WAS ADDICTED, ADDICTED, ADDICTED.

Finally, when i broke down and said i was not snooping any longer, not living like the other shoes was gonna drop and when i thought i had found a web site they were on, he wrote the NC letter. when asked even now, why he took so long he says he does not know. that the affair had long been over, he had chosen me back in may, but you see, he didn't. he still thought he could be just friends, i.e. the drunk who wants to sit at the bar while everyone else drinks...,

if i had it all to do over, i would follow plan a to the letter, no matter the consequenses. my daughter would have healed, she would have seen her parents fight for their marriage, she would have seen her mother demonstrate unconditional love with bounderies, she would have seen survival at it's best.

please listen, i know your heart, head, body is breaking in a million pieces. i have been there, we all have. i have been were you are. a husband that is good, caring, moral, faithful, never dreamed he would or could do this to you. you looking at him and still seeing everything that he can not.

i thought i was helping, doing what he needed. but in hind site, it was fear. fear that he would choose her and devestate our family, OW marriage, our children, his parents. but don't you see? that is the epitomy of an addict. when faced with all the heartache they will cause, devestation, they can't make the right choice.

was our marriage perfect? NO! did it deserve this? NO!
DID I DESERVE THIS? NO!

i learned, and am still learning how to affair proof my marriage, and i thank God i have a marriage to affair proof.

JH...

If your husband was lying on the floor of a crackhouse strung out, would you trust him to make decisions, or would you know that you had to take over and make them? Please believe me when I tell you that that is EXACTLY what your situation is right now...He is no different than a crack addict...If you love him, you will ACT in his absence - because I promise you, the man you know and love is NOT what is in front of you right now...

Please listen to one who has been right where your husband is now - if my husband and mother had not acted back then, I can assure you I would not be here today...They saved me and our family from ME...Please act to save your husband and family...He will never be able to thank you enough...

Mrs. W

This "counselor" has NO IDEA how to deal with infidelity......(((((jh)))))

She is incompetent!!!!....This is the STUPIDEST thing I have ever heard....

She is only ENABLING your WH's affair, and giving him ammo to further JUSTIFY his crazy sense of ENTITLEMENT.....PREPOSTEROUS, if you ask me....She basically asked him to COMPARE you, a good and faithful, decent woman to a skanky, ho-bag.....this would NOT set well with me.....OW is a bottom-feeder and no self-respecting, decent BW DESERVES to have this done to them....

Jh, if I were you, at your next appt. I would tell her this. I would tell her that you don't APPRECIATE having your self compared to a home-wrecking whore....and then fire her butt.....


You will probably change your opinion on this in time, and in fact, come to RESENT the fact that this was even done in the first place.


Oh honey, you have some blinders on. I don't say this to put you down or to be harsh, but to open your eyes to the TRUTH. I know what that is like. For 4 1/2 months, I was blinded by what was in front of me the whole time.

I would bet the farm that they have been intimate, but the fact of the matter is, even IF the having been PHYSICALLY intimate, they are still in an intimate relationship. Exchanging feelings and emotions and hopes and dreams IS initmacy.........


It CAN be a good thing, with the RIGHT counselor. The hack job you went to is not it though. I would put a call into the Harleys. Otherwise, you are just spinning your wheels......

{{{Jh}}}....there aren't any "quick fixes" when it comes to infidelity. The damage and trauma that adultery inflicts on the BS, the WS, the children, and everyone surrounding them is too great to fix with just a bandaide.......

BUT it can be fixed and recovered.....BUT only after the affair ends and NO CONTACT is established.....

my heart and prayers go out to you.....

not2fun

ps....FIRE THAT COUNSELOR, after a giving her a piece of REALITY, and call the Harley's

ditto,ditto,ditto: Yes, what she said...

I have not posted in awhile but I thought it was time for some more advice. My husband and I agreed that he should leave for awhile. He is staying with his parents. Over the past 6 weeks he has exposed his problem to his family and a few friends. He has been going to counseling every week. He is trying to work on himself and figure out why he got himself to this place. He has been here for the kids and their obligations and when I am at work. How do I react to him now? I know we need our space but I find it hard to not speak to him. Sometimes I want to just beg him to come home. I need the strength to follow through with this plan. Please help me, I am so lost and I do not know what to do!

jh, why did your husband and you agree that he should leave for a while?

You were advised to stop seeing the counsellor, because he was not experienced in ending affairs and saving marriages. What happened there? Is this the counsellor your H is still seeing? What about you?

You were advised that the affair would continue as long as your H worked in the same place as OW. Did he make any moves to change jobs?

You were advised that if contact continued, Plan B was your recourse. Plan B means that he should leave the home and you should have no contact direct with him. You should use an intermediary through whom important messages about childcare should be exchanged. You should not see him or speak to him when he picks up and drops off the children. Is that what you are doing during this separation?

In Plan B, there is a clear course of action laid out for the WS should his affair end and should he wish to return to the marriage. This plan of action is laid out in a letter from you, given at the point of separation. When the conditions are met (in your case, these should include a change of job for either H or OW, and a complete end to contact, which you must be able to verify), the WS contacts the intermediary expressing his wish to go home and showing proof of his sincerity. Do you have a clear plan laid out like this? If not, under what conditions will you end the separation?

JH1108

Ok, what to do, what to do...


We keep trying to help and apparently what help is offered gets watered down and ignored on the altar of a pity party. You have been advised what to do. Your grief prevents you from listening and learning and gaining strength so you can, in fact, do something helpful.

STOP!

Take a deep breath. Calm your mind. THEN, read again your thread, ignoring what you have said and focusing on the advice you have been given.

READ!

Surviving an Affair. If you do not have the book, order it and until comes, read "How to Survive infidelity" from the right hand menu. Read all of it, every single word. Even the words that do not apply to you and read every link.

TAKE CONTROL!

Do not look to your husband for a solution. Look inside yourself. Fire the so-called counselor. I have a friend who is a fully licensed LPC and HE says most marriage counselors are worthless. Consider using the Harley coaching center, right now, they know what they are doing. Read, study and learn the emotional tools that are here. That way, you control yourself and can deal with what needs to be dealt with.

Looking outside yourself is a hunt in a wilderness and solves nothing. Read my signature. Venting solves NOTHING. Plus, you are a grown woman, put on your big girl panties and take charge of your life. Read, learn and come up with a plan for recovery based on what you know, not what you guess.

Earn what you get, don't beg for it. The tools are here and there is help understanding them. Ask for help, not a magic wand solution. There is no such thing.

Get it?

Larry