Hey! I'm new here, but I have read through all the the topics from the main site. I have been in our marriage for almost 13 years, 17 years in the relationship. I am 39 years old and my husband (FZ) is 35. We have two beautiful children ages 12 (daughter) and 8 (son).

Our relationship started out rocky. We met while I was still married to my first husband. My first husband wanted an "open" relationship. I didn't, but was so hurt at the time that he even suggested it that I made a big mistake and went along with it. FZ was a friend of a friend that I was attracted to. I lured him into having sex with me just trying to hurt my husband at the time (PC). FZ was scared out of hs mind because he thought PC was gonna kill him, but PC actually talked to FZ and told him he didn't have a problem with it because he didn't want me anymore. FZ and I have been together since. FZ does have a violent history.

The first episode happened before we were married. He was drunk (I don't drink). He was angry with me because I had said something that he didn't care for and he tried to strangle me. The next episode came later. We were in an argument, he became enraged and he threw me into the door frame and cracked my head. I still have a dent in my skull to prove it. The next time, I was pregnant with our son. He was drunk. I was mad because he kept drinking, so I through his drink out the door. He came after me and tackled me. I landed on my stomach with all of FZ's weight on my back. I didn't lose my baby, but I was so afraid I was going to. The next episode was when he poured a glass of Pepsi for me and he put a drug (Crank, I think) in my drink. We had sex that night and afterward I thought I was dying because my heart was beating out of my chest. He didn't tell me that he had drugged my drink. I told him before he left for work early the next morning that I think something was wrong with me and that I needed to go to the doctor. He went out the door to go to work and a few minutes later he came back in and told me what he had done. He said he done it to heighten our sex.

I struggled with what to do about our marriage. Should I stay and forgive or should I get me and my kids out of this situation. I couldn't get my head or heart around the fact that he could've killed me that night. I made an appointment with a lawyer. It was a mutual move. He went with me to the lawyer's office. She said she thought that we could work it out if we sought marriage counseling. He agreed in her office to take that step. By the time we reached the parking lot he told me he wasn't going to counseling with me because he didn't need it. I have stayed with him through all of this and I have forgiven him for his actions.

I am not without fault. Not too long ago, we came back in contact with the friend (JH) that introduced us so many years ago. I have always been fond of him, but we have never had any kind of relationship outside of our friendship. JH and I went to a local festival together. I though JH was bringing his girlfriend. FZ was at deer camp at the time. FZ knew of our plans to attend the festival. When JH showed up at my house his girlfriend wasn't with him. I felt a little strange that she wasn't there, but I really didn't think that I was really doing anything wrong by going with him without someone else. We went out for lunch, then to the festival. When the festival was over he brought me back home. He came into the house and we watched the last hour of SAW, then he left. NOTHING HAPPENED! I told FZ about it the next day. He wasn't happy. JH started texting me a few days later. There were a few flirty texted, but I didn't tell FZ. I know it was wrong. I wasn't being honest. There was nothing sexual in the texting, just a little flirty comments. FZ found out when he was using my phone and it received a text from JH. FZ went into a rage! I told him EVERYTHING after that because I hurt him so bad! It was the first time I ever hurt him. I no longer talk to JH. I changed my cell number, I gave up my personal e-mail address (even though JH didn't have it). I did everything FZ asked me to do in order to make him feel better.

FZ lost his job in May 2009. He has been steadily drinking since. He drinks every day. At his worst he can drink a 1.75 liter of Vodka by himself in 2 days. It seems at times like we are stuck in a vicious cycle. I don't mind that he drinks, but I do mind when he gets drunk. I have told him that. The last BIG episode we had happened a couple of months ago. He got really drunk. He became enraged because he was thinking about the situation that happened with JH. He stared getting in my face, spitting in my face while he was speaking to me. I called my sister because I was afraid. He grabbed the phone from my hand and wouldn't let me talk to my sister. She heard how enraged he was. He hit the door that I standing against (rigt above my head) and put a crack in it. I finally got the phone back, but I didn't stay on it long. My mom came to our door. The police were not far behind. My sister had called. He called my mom a whore to her face. The cops didn't arrest him because I told them he didn't hit me, just the door. They allowed him to call his parents to pick him up. We worked that out, he came back.

Now he's still drinking every day. He doesn't get drunk every day, but I never know what to expect when I come home from work. I don't know what I will be coming home to or if he will get drunk that night or not. My kids make comments like "why does daddy drink?" or "why won't daddy stop drinking?" The kids won't say anything to their dad about it because they are afraid they will make him mad.

Now, my fault is while all of this has been going on, I've been doing things that at the time I didn't realize was wrong. I realized it tonight when I found this site and read the column about demanding, etc. It stated me to a T.

I have become so fed up with the whole drinking situation that I have demanded that he cut back on the drinking, to realize when he's had enough before he gets to the point of drunkeness. He will do good for a while, then he goes right back to the same behavior. This is part of the vicious cycle. We will argue, he will do good for a while, then without any trigger at all he will go back to getting drunk. This is over, and over, and over..... Now I'm to the point of I need to get out of this marriage. I asked him to get help with the drinking so that we can work on our marriage. His mom and dad have told him he needs to stop. He says he doesn't want to stop drinking and he will not stop until he wants to. His dad is in his 50's and he is just now getting help with his alcohol problems because he has had to from all of the DUI's he's had.

We have NO sex life at all because he says I need to initiate the sex. I have tried by asking if he would like to take a bubble bath with me, or I will hug on him and try to be loving. To him, that's not initiating sex. Initiating sex to him is going straight for the gusto. He has never had a romantic bone in his body. Those things have always been left up to me even though I have tried to let him know that I would love it if he would try. We never kiss or sit together on the couch or hold hands or just hold one another. I want that so bad, but he just says that stuff makes him feel weird. So, I accept it and live without it. I don't fuss at him about it.

I work a full time job. He stays at home. He does help me with the household chores (when he chooses to and I do praise him and say thank you when he does) and he is a great dad when he isn't drinking. I feel like I'm going out of my mind. I feel like I've spent too much time in this vicious cycle.

My question to all of you is....is it time to let go and get out? I've made an appointment with a lawyer for next week. I don't want to divorce, but what are my other options if he's not willing to try? He told me he won't be losing his famly, just me so it's not that big of a deal.

I feel myself slipping into depression and that's not good for any of us. I need an unbiased opinion, please....

I'm sorry, Shanshan, can you edit this post and break it into paragraphs? Many people will not read it the way it is right now. I certainly can't, because my eyes are already tired and without my glasses I can't keep track.

Click the "Edit" button at the lower right of the window.

Thanks.

Sorry, I was on a roll getting it all out. I wanted to give as much as a background as I could. I hope it's easier to read now. Thank you for letting me know.

Shanshan, you are an abused wife. One day your alcoholic husband is going to kill you in one of his rages.

I know the old saying, "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't," but you are taking way too much of this on your shoulders. You shouldn't. You husband is causing you to think this way, and you shouldn't.

Your attorney is a fool, and to advise you to stay with a physically abusive husband while you "get counseling" is advice that should get her disbarred!

My advice: get another attorney. Today (well, it's Sunday, so Monday or Tuesday at the latest). Have the attorney find a way to get you --and your children-- away from your husband legally (so he can't file for abandonment). There are lawyers on this board who can give you better advice about this than I.

Shanshan, it's the weekend (and a long one at that), so it will be slower here than normal. This is the Marriage Builders web site, so most of the literature and articles here are about building strong, healthy marriages. But your husband is an alcoholic, and no marriage recovery is possible while he is actively addicted to alcohol.

The combination of alcohol + wife-beating is a deal-killer, if you ask me. For your own good, you need to go into self-preservation mode. I'd suggest staying out of your husband's way (don't let him know you've come to this site -- we can give you better advice if he isn't blocking your access) and posting your questions and situation here so that others can give you good advice.

Please listen to me: your husband is a dangerous man. You have become a doormat and are letting him walk all over you. If you want to live --a real life-- you'll start to build a life for yourself RIGHT NOW.

Thank you for the reply. I know everything you're telling me is true. My family have told me the same, I've just always said to myself, "Give him one more chance. Maybe he will see the light this time", but I know it will never end until I get away from him or even worse he hurts me bad/kills me.

I have an appointment set up with a lawyer for tomorrow. I took the step last week and I'm scared to death, but I know I have to follow through this time.

That "one more chance" just ran out.

What I would advise you to do, if you want to keep any semblance of hope for your marriage, is to have an attorney draft up documentation (including any evidence/proof of his abuse) to provide you legal protection (up to and including a restraining order, if need be) and then you and the kids move out.

Then I would send your husband a letter laying out the conditions under which you would consider returning to the marriage. Such as

• Complete and utter abstinence from alcohol for a minimum of six months.
• Attendance at A.A. meetings, a minimum of three times per week.
• Obtaining an A.A. sponsor, with a minimum of twice weekly contact.
• Anger management counseling, a minimum of six months.
• A "clean record" of behavior for six months (no arrests, violent displays, etc.).

These are just examples. You might want to put things in there such as weekly visits with the kids, with no sign of alcohol use before or during. The list items are up to you.

Then stick by your boundaries! Any violation of an item on the list "resets the clock" back to Day One.

Your husband must be put in the position of having to decide what is more important: his wife and family, or his drinking and immature, violent behavior.

If he chooses the latter, file for divorce and save yourself.

If he chooses the former, and you have verifiable proof, then seek counseling together.

Those are all great ideas, but he will NEVER go for that at all. His mom, dad, and I have all tried (without a lawyer) to have him get help.

The thing is he will never admit to having a problem. He says by asking him to sober up or even cut back permanently that's trying to change the person he is and he is happy with who he is. I asked him if he would move out, try to get help and become sober, then I would stay married to him and we would work on our marriage once he was sober. No deal.

It's either his way (continue drinking and getting drunk when he wants) or no way at all. FZ has pretty much always had his way in our marriage and that's what he expects.

Shanshan, I didn't ask what he would do. What I said was you need to set your conditions and boundaries for recovering the marriage. You do this after you've seen your attorney, made sure you have yourself covered and protected legally and physically (and financially), and have found a place to move you and your kids.

Those are your conditions and boundaries. As I said, he can choose to honor your conditions, or waste away his life in the senseless pursuit of booze, other women and injurious health.

You don't need to be destroyed along with him. Your life begins TODAY!

Thank you so much for the unbiased opinion. I am on my way to the attorney's office this morning. I'm a nervous wreck, but I'm sticking to my plan this time.

MY LIFE BEGINS TODAY!!!!

Shan,
I hope you'll keep posting so we can continue to be of assistance. There are a lot of good people here including Fred who has given you great advice.
I didn't read all of your post, quite frankly it was making me ill. I read enough to know that you MUST get out of this relationship for your sake and your child's. As Frank is saying, you must do it right so this man doesn't try to do serious damage to you.
Good luck and when you get some time, find and read some articles here about abusive relationships. I'm no expert with the material but I know there are several articles, Dr. Harvey definitely has something to say about situations like yours.
~optimism

I went to the lawyer's office Monday. I finally filled out all of the paperwork and I will be returning to her tomorrow.

My husband (FZ) took $8,000.00 out of our joint bank account and left me with $569.00. That money was in the joint account and we have joint bills that were suppose to come out of that account. I set up my own account with the money he left, so he couldn't touch anymore money. I was going to set up my own account on Monday (15th), but the banks were closed because of President's Day.

Friday 1/2 of the mortgage payment, 1/2 of the equity payment, the electric bill, and the automobile insurance payment (both his vehicle and mine) had to be paid. Not to mention that we needed groceries. I paid all of the above bills. He hasn't given me a dime to help with any of the payments.

He still refuses to leave the house until the papers are served. He's still drinking every day, but not getting drunck every day, but like I said that's his normal routine. It's just a matter of time before he gets drunk again.

Shan,

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. It makes me sad to see there are such bullies.

1. Do you know him when he is sober and reasonable? Is he loving? Kind to your kids? Responsible? What did you say you'd get from this relationship if he was sober? What do you get out of staying in this relationship?

It's an addiction Shan. If he doesn't think he has a problem, he won't get help.

He has strangled you and spiked your drink, he trashed your head against a door and cracked your skull: Shan, there's a chance he might accidentally kill you when drunk and your children will be without a parent. LEAVE.

2. Get ready to change the locks when he moves out.

I thought that I knew him when he was sober and reasonable, I thought he was my best friend, but I don't believe that now because I would share things with him (like details of my day at work, how I felt about different things) and he would seem to be showing interest.

Then when we start arguing he will say things like "no wonder you are having problems with (whoever or whatever) it's probably all your fault. When he's sober he tells me that he doesn't understand what I do at work, so he dodn't want to hear about it.

He's a good dad when he's sober.

He never kisses me, it's usually just a little peck, never anything passionate. Our sex life was great at one time, but I couldn't tell you the last time I had sex (he doesn't even kiss me during sex, he just goes for the gusto). He has never made me feel special in any way.

He's never done anything "special" for me for my birthday or our anniversary.

One year I told him I would show him what I would like for him to do for me. I set up a babysitter, ordered Outback Steakhouse, had candles lit when he got home, had everything laid out on a blanket on the floor, gave him a silver heart charm (and told him this was a symbol of my heart and I was giving it to him). I guess he didn't get it because he's never made the effort to do anything like that for me. It's always been up to me to make the effort.

He throws it in my face that he has a better relationship with his parents than I do with my mom (my dad passed away a few years ago). His relationshp with them isn't better, I was just raised different then he was.

I can't actually leave because I work from home in the evenings and I can't afford to lose my job. No one else I knows has a computer that I could use and my boss has already made so many adjustments for me.

One thing I have noticed is that he is cutting back the drinking for now to make himself "look good". He's telling everyone that I'm crazy and it's all "just an illusion".

I'm not buying it though. I'm going through with the divorce. I know I deserve better than what he's given me through the years.

You do!

You are so right! Don't think I don't know all that you are telling me to be the truth. In more ways than one I am responsible for the situation I'm in and the situation and envirnoment I've brought my kids up in.

Low self esteem, stupid choices, and lowering myself to a level that I never thought I would go are all things that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. But now I am making the change for the better for my kids and myself.

That's it Shan.

Derest shanshan,

It is so easy to beat ourselves up, knowing that we shouldn�t have got ourselves into this situation. But then the tough times come, the lonely nights, the depression, the low self esteem, and we don�t feel like we are worthy of a better life. Don�t feel like we deserve happiness. We cling to the hope he will change but hate our selves later when we realize he won�t.

Please don�t make yourself feel worse about this. Find out what you need to do to protect yourself and your children and no matter how you FEEL do it. No matter how you FEEL about yourself. No matter how you FEEL he might change. Do what it takes to get you and your kids safe. As you start to respect yourself and enforce those boundaries, your life will improve.

It will not always be this way. But you have to fight the temptation to let bad feelings push you into bad (unsafe) decisions.

YES!
Remind yourself this when you get scared about getting away from him!

Hope this helps,

Daisy