Hi Wherenext,

Plan A is about making positive changes in yourself. It is about digging deep and finding inner strength for you and for your family. It helps you to become the person that God has in mind for you to be. It also shows your BH the woman that he fell in love with and what he is missing by being away from you. It does not always heal your M or bring your BH home but it starts you on a path to healing by being the best W/person that you can be.

It is obvious that he is torn right now. He is missing his home and his life. Ask him to come over and fix/do something for you. Give him an approximate time to come or ask him to tell you when he is coming. When he gets there, look great, smell good, have the house picture perfect, light some candles have his favorite meal or dessert cooking and when he is done ask him to sit down and share it with you. Provide pleasant, light conversation. Do some remember when we....

The hardest part is that you do this with no expectations. He may stay, he may not. Take advantage if he does. If not, sit down and enjoy the meal and the atmosphere that you have created then have a bubble bath.

Seek out some new interests, make some new friends, pursue hobbies, exercise. Work on you. Answer your own question of Wherenext.

God's Blessings,

Say

again thank you all

after the very emotional call that i posted about, i had a text message from him asking if i had put the heating on, i relied that i had etc etc, he then asked if i had a birthday card for my sister in law, i said i did and that i would pop it round tomorrow when everyone (him) was out, he explained that she would be out as well , so i said i would take it last night, he said that he was not going out and he would be there and was i ok with that ? (the OW was out with friends for the evening)
on arrival he greeted me with a kiss on the cheek and we all had a cheerful chat etc, he then said if i didnt have enough money for heating etc, i must tell him and i can have anything i want, he asked me to retune his radio and a couple of other things, he then left the room to take a call from OW - he sat next to me at all times talking, then his brother said that hsband knew i had a boyfriend ??????? and if he hurts me in anyway he will kill him with his bare hands - i only stayed an hour and said i had plans - he kissed me on the cheek and said bye.
he has posted several times today on face book about work, but one particular entry was just " i am thinking ????" was this a reference to me after he said he thinks of me everyday or am i reading to much into it - he has gone with OW tonight

Make sure he knows you do NOT have a boyfriend. If he thinks you do, he will consider that to be "permission" from you to continue on in his own affair. Furthermore, even if he DID decide he doesn't care for skankhola and wants to come back home, he would believe there is no longer a place in your life for him.

So make SURE he knows you are not dating nor are you interested in dating whilst married.

Say gave you some great ideas about asking him to come over to help with something (men love to help and fix) and looking your best, having the house glowing, with nice candles, fresh flowers, good music, his favorite meal etc.

Also, Recreational Companionship is almost always one of a man's top ENs. Find some activities in the area that you know he would enjoy (and that you would, too, of course) and tell him "I'm going to X Wednesday night and I think you'd enjoy that. Want to come along?" or similar. He will probably say no, which is fine. Go anyway, enjoy yourself, then email him or call him about how much fun it was and how much he would have enjoyed it. If it's an event where you can take photos, email him a small pic or two. The point is to make sure he knows what a fun companion you are.

Admiration is also almost always high on a man's EN list. How are you doing at admiring him?

i have tried the looking good and thanks for fixing that, your always so good at these things

but he really looks so ill, the whites of his eyes are yellow, and he is so thin, his brother have begged him to see his doctor but he just says he wants to be a new man and trendy again, he has said to brother that OW does not cook, she is a takeaway person so weeknights when he goes to her home he takes something with him and when he stays with her at weekends they get takeaway or go out for meals.
he has told me that he has no money etc and isliving on credit cards, it costs him �12 a day to go to see her and this will eat into his salary

He is having problems with his liver. Yellow eyes are a symptom of liver failure.

i to had this thought fred, but he keeps saying that he is incredibly tired - he starts his job at 4.30am and finishes around 1.30pm, he sleeps for maybe an hour then gets himself ready to meet OW at train station at 4.45pm, they have a 45minute journey to her house, he leaves there at 9.30pm for his return journey, he gets in to sleep around 11.30pm, he does this monday to thursday and then friday night to sunday night he stays at her house - so it must be love

Yeah, right.

Is he drinking?

It's his liver.

i just cant believe its drink, he only ever drank at social events, few and far between, unless he has started in the month he has been gone, would a moth still have that effect

It doesn't have to be alcohol. A lot of things are harmful to the liver, including many prescription drugs. Hepatitis is also a disease of the liver.

I'm no expert (but I am a recovered alcoholic, and I had very high liver enzymes when I got sober), but even during the months after D-day when I got very little sleep at night, my eyes never got yellow. Red, yes. Yellow, no.

He should get checked out.

wow fred, well done on your recovery, you must be a fantastic insiration to many many people.

he just continues to say to his brother that he is so very tired, he only had 3 hours sleep last night before he went off to work, he will have hour sleep this afternoon and then slope off to OW house, so the cycle repeats - i have had no contact since tuesday when i stupidly thought i had made a breakthrough and got him thinking about me, but it stays the same

Ehi, are you sure this is not my H's schedule? Boy, he has the same routine as your H! It is not love, my dear. It is pure and simple sex. They are in the heat of it now and the fact that he has his freedom again coupled with the infatuation of the A makes for all the time they spend together "quality time" meaning...sex. For my H it has been 6 months of this routine you described and he is still going strong with her, looking thin and aged.

I used to say the same about my H, poor poor H he looks so ill!
Again, it is the time they spend having sex. I do not know about your WH, mine is 50, and she must want it all the time and so does he. My H also drinks, I would not say he is an alcholic but he drinks more than average and every day. He looks thin and aged. But it is not the lack of food it is that, I do not know if you recall from the good old days, but when you are into sex eating becomes secondary. YOur H is still in the first year of his A and the fact that they do not live together makes it so that, when they see eachother, all they do is....have sex.
Do not feel sorry. He is not interested in you to the least right now. He wants a new life with a new woman and the thrill he gets from the PA for now is enough to make him forget who he is and all the rest.
Of course this will not last because the body and the mind cannot sustain it indefinately. At some point reality will kick in. Then you will see if he want the M or not. He might find a deeper connection with OW that goes beyond just the sex or he might realize she is not the fantasy he thought she was...and move into a different fantasy or...try the M again with you (if you want him...).
It is too early to tell.
Stay dark in your plan B, otherwise you will get hurt...your H is just fine and there is NOTHING you can do for him.
Blessing

thank you atena

but if he is not interested in me at all, why does he keep in contact, do jobs etc, ask if i am ok, do i need money etc

i am confused

He IS interested. He's just busy justifying his affair to himself and telling himself (and everyone in earshot) that he's not interested.

Quit focusing on him and what he's doing and thinking. That will make you crazy in no time.

Instead, focus on your Plan A.

Admire him
Do fun things, invite him, and then tell him how much fun you had afterward
Look and smell great
Make sure the house is in tip-top shape when he comes by

The fact that OW doesn't cook is GREAT!! Get WH to come over for some reason and have his favorite meal on the stove so the house smells divine. If he has a favorite treat like cookies or something, make a batch and send them with him for him to enjoy later.

I am sorry but I am very confused here. You H is seeing OW regularly, moved out to stay at his brother and spends all his free time bonking OW... and you have to do plan A without going crazy?
Also, to answer your question as why he contacts you and want to do jobs for you....in my opinion it is because, of course, he wants to be friends so he does not have to feel so guilty for having an A.
When my H first moved out (and was seeing OW of course as he is now) I was not in plan B yet. Well, he would fix my computer would do anything I asked him to. Did that mean he was interested in me. Of course not! He was interested in keeping a facade so he looked better and felt less guilty.
Again, I am very confused as if why the advise to you here is plan A!
blessing

He feels guilty. As he should.

You are obviously fullfiling some of his ENs. That is where Plan B comes in. You Plan A as best you can to leave him with warm feelings about you and then you shut him down cold. That leaves him to see that OW may be fullfilling some of his fantasy needs but his love and security really remains with you...or not. If not you are on your way to recovering from this horrendous betrayal and strting a new life.

God's Blessings,

Say

Basic MB concepts:

But for the betrayed spouse, waiting for the affair to end seems like an eternity. The wayward spouse can't seem to make up his or her mind -- one moment committing to the marriage and the next moment committing to the lover. To help a betrayed spouse survive that painful period of vacillation -- the time it takes for an affair to die a natural death -- I recommend two plans. If the first plan (plan A) is unsuccessful in separating the wayward spouse from the lover, the second plan (plan B) is followed until the affair is ended. This sequence -- plan A followed by plan B -- represents the most sensible approach to handling a wayward spouse's inability to decide between the lover and the betrayed spouse.

So, then, what is plan A and plan B?

Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover.

Link

hi everyone

well the day after i saw him, he called me and said it was great to see me and he is so pleased we are friends. i did convince him that there was no ther man in my life and he said he was selfish but so pleased, he couldnt bear the thought ???? i did say think what you are doing to me but he didnt reply, he mentioned a couple of things i had put in my reply texts a few days ago, he said i was making suggestions or was he over analysing things ? he talked about his day at work etc,

last night i put a message on facebook about dreaming of getting an unexpected text message from someone i care for very much (said goodnight to friends) at 5.15am this morning i got a text from him asking if i received the text i was hoping for, i replied that yes i was answering him now - we sent a few more texts back and forth just banter, then he phoned and said i should go to sleep because its to early etc - i went shopping and while there he called my phone and asked what i was doing, he said he had just finished work and it was cold, windy etc, then he said was the dream text messsage really directed at him or was he reading to much in to it, i told him it was, he said he will call me tomorrow, he has not called me at weekends since he started staying at OW - on my return home he called again, to see if i got home ok, i asked if he was going to his brothers or getting on his train journey, he said he was meeting a few pals for a beer - again he taled about facebook and i said dont delete me because of it and he said he would never delete me out of his life and he could not function if i was not around or at the end of the phone, and that i was his life, his mate, his mucker - its ok to post coded messages as long as i dont put any names - this last bit made my heart sink, he is hiding me from her now and i am really just a friend

have i played this all wrong and being taken for a ride ????

He was clear with you: he want to be friends with you.
You are going to get hurt here as he is taking you for a roller coaster ride. In my opinion.
You need a plan B.
Let's see if it is true that
blessing

Huh. It sounds like you're assuaging his guilt, and he'll continue to be in contact with you until his guilt level is manageable for him. I think you need to consider Plan B. Let him know that you love him - and your M - so much that it is unbearable for you to continue as friends. Then go dark. Just my thoughts.