That is my concern LLL. It doesn't matter how well you are handling it. What remains the same in every one of our situations is the pain we feel when someone who we have let get so close to us, trashes us.

I know that you can buck up and take it but what I also hope is that in your life you find a guy somday who will merit your personal investment.

It doesn't matter where you come from or your background. You can spill your guts and BECAUSE its totally aynonomous <sp>, and we keep it that way, we have no fear of judgement.

All these ppl who have just jumped in and told you how glad you are here.. Please stick around because we DO need ppl like you.

You will probably have to process some emotional issues whithin the next few months but you are allready thinking and acting like any BS should

I am a lurker also and COMPLETELY admire you LLL. Please stay with us and continue to post. Although my sitch is totally different, I see so much of myself in you (successful, educated, great career, financial independence, no COM (not by choice)) and am completely encouraged by your journey. Although my marriage is well on the road to recovery (or so I think), you give me hope and courage. Everyone's story is different and you have to do what's best for you!!! Ignore the naysayers and follow your heart.

This is so true. I consider myself personally recovered (well, about 90+% anyway) and I could not have done it without the guidance on this site. Plan B really helped me do that.

As they say in Al-Anon - "It works if you work it, and you're worth it."

Popping in to tell you all that H was served at 4:45 p.m. in his classroom at university. He teaches a class that runs from 4:30 to 7:00 p.m. My attorney called me a few minutes ago to tell me he had been notified it was done. I'm assuming OW was in that class as it would be the one you take your final semester while working toward completion of dissertation.

We're getting ready to have dinner, but I know there's some of you waiting for this news and wanted to tell you and thank you for the support I've received here.....

I'm really not expecting to hear anything from H......I assume though that I surprised him and I hope OW has some sleepless nights being named as correspondent.

LOVE IT!!!

thanks for update

for you.

for him.

from her, betcha anything!

tl

Yes thanks for the update. Rooting for you LLL. Hope your doing okay with the finality of your drama. Eating a good dinner....kudos to you! You're an amazing woman....nuff said!

Well Done LLL.

And stay around -- you will be a success story for personal strength and recovery.

Will it be liver with farva beans? With a nice chanti?

OK ..I'm sorry..

Grats LLL

Well, as predicted.....total silence from the H. It's ok...think I would prefer it this way. Life is calm. Sister is still here and we're enjoying our evenings of Olympics and snuggling with my guys (the dogs).

I think he has 30 days to respond....need to check that out with attorney. Attorney said he will contact me when he hears from H's attorney, whoever that may be....

I'm really sort of getting into a good place. Sort of scary that I feel pretty calm and focused. Maybe H did me a favor by being so gone. Maybe it's better than suffering a thousand tiny deaths of a relationship.

Hey LLL,

Glad to hear you're doing alright. Scary that you're "pretty calm and focused"? Not to us, LLL. Not at all....

TB

I agree BT.

Hey LLL is it at all possible that WH fell for the oldest ego stimulant ever played? OW wants to have his baby?

I mean this might explain a lot. She might have appealed to his sense of mortality after you lost your Mom and/or she was such a simple conquest. Maybe she has him thinking he is really in control, (hehehe, right,) which he seems to think he is anyways. He doesn't feel he needs to acknowledge the time you spent together outside of his acomplishment of maintaining a marraige in the most proper manner. He probably acted correctly and has a sliding scale of expected behavior and a couple authors/rolemodels he admires/imitates.
For all of his calm, cold control and his stellar performance of "making this easier for both of us" I really feel sorry for him for not being so passionatly in love as the rest of us "fools" have been in our lives. I am probably being unfair and of course only you know the depth of what you had at one time. I can't help but see the frailty of the human being and compare some aspects of the values I also believed in and what I am left with now in my life.
I felt that having a successful career was the only thing that was missing in the balance of my marriage and would not only bring me financial but personal security and stability. At 28 yrs old when the relationship started i was confidant with hard work and dedication to both the relationship I could have it all, but I find myself with neither.
I know that I will adjust and I do have acomplishments I can be proud of but what to do now with the rest of my time? The prestige of a place in society where I contributed to the betterment of mans condition would never replace the loss of my dream of my wife hitting rock bottom and getting some real help so we could laugh at the stupid stuff we went through and grow old together. Its a temporary condition emotionaly for me but its really hard to not see my life as a shooting star that was great. had potential, but is now burned out. Believe me I will recover, I absolutly refuse to lay down and die and ever since I found out I was going to be a Dad at 18 in my first marriage the responsibility of thinkind about my children has taken precedence over my fears. I will SHOW them that life goes on and we can appreciate the good things that it has. Its all about attitude.

So I can see myself in your Hubbys place, I can see how my choice and request to my fiance at 17 years old to not have children till we were at least 25 and had a house and carreers would have never had been safe enough for me. I would have continued to insulate myself from the pain I had felt as a child and put up a hedge of security. If my first wife had honored my request instaed of disreguarding my wish and stop taking the pill without my knowledge I doubt we would have made it thru Boot-camp as newlyweds together.(We had planned on and allready arranged induction into the air force before we were married). I changed so much between the time of 17 to 25 and I would have been in full time ego/security mode by 25. I never would have felt ready for children by then. I would have had np problem never having children but somewhere in the back of my mind I would have entertained the idea in a "perfect world" and maybe someday.
So is it possible that with hubbys age and maybe andropause or his realization of his mortality through your experiance that in his mind it is "someday"?


Just some thoughts, I know you have moved on but maybe if he realized how lonely he really was he would have submitted himself to some counseling when you needed him most instead of the Bullchit he is pulling. I didn't mean to trigger you. Its just with this cold wall he has put up I hope to help you understand not only his actions because of what you know about him but his basic malfunction. I just don't get it.

My H has the exact same behavior as LLL's and we have a son. I do not think he wants kids with OW, she has already 2 very chellenging ones from her first M and my H is keeping a safe distance from them by living on his own.
I simply think LLL's H fell head over hills for this OW and could have been anybody really...it was just that the events played out in a way that "she was in the right place at the right time"
Whatever OW is making him believe...we know is going to bring him misery. LLL had the PI investigate on OW and she has quite a past.
I would not want to be him. I wish I felt like LLL! She seems to have a better chance at happiness than he does!
blessing

I have to say the idea of H being with OW for having a child is far fetched to me. H is 57 (almost 58) and OW is 46. I can't see him wanting to be tied down to a traditional home life of wife and child, but I guess stranger things have happened. She's a bit "long in the tooth" to be having children.

This is another part of this whole thing. OW is no prize....she's got a past of buzzing through men, two H's I know of and some unsavory financial battles with ex's and also history of bad credit, non-payment of bills, etc. And yet, she's got some brain cells if she's finishing a doc program and holding jobs. However, she could be interested in H's money....

She's no beauty....sort of sloppy dress and unkempt hair. At 7 years older than her, people who've seen her think I look much younger. I work hard to stay fit, love clothes and SHOES, and spend time to be well groomed and up with current styles. It certainly is not her appearance he must be attracted to. I'm surprised...he always seemed proud that I looked good and always complimented me on my clothes, hair, etc. I guess love is blind.

Forgot....yesterday the YUK factor of being almost a divorcee hit me in the face. At work, one of the clients I see pretty often is a guy in I'd guess his mid 40's..... I guess word must be out I'm separated from H and I'm not wearing a wedding band....anyhow, he asked me if I'd like to have drinks and dinner some time. I thanked him and said I've only been apart from H less than 2 months and am not ready to see other men. I handled it tactfully since he's a client I will continue to see professionally....BUT REALLY???? Is this to be expected at this point? I haven't dated in over 30 years.....not sure I want to!

Somesortedout: I am SO glad I have my career right now. It's the stability in my life, it gives me a sense of being in control and being competent, because I certainly am a befuddled person when it comes to understanding what happened so fast to a 29 year relationship. I have to tell you, the man I describe now is not the H I knew most of our marriage. We were passionately in love when we married....couldn't stand to be apart. I had not planned on getting married at age 24....had wanted to finish all my education before marrying. He was in his last year of Ph.D. program but we wanted to be married. For all the years of our marriage we had a close, intimate relationship until a few months ago. I think the perfect storm must have hit my H: me being pulled away to oversee my mom's care; H having close working relationship with OW; H being "at that age" of mid-life crisis.

I agree with you, it is too early to date. I had a couple of offers but turned them down.
What happened to you must be even more difficult than average because you were happy till the end. It is puzzling how quickly things change.
Yes, your H is going thru a typical midlife crisis, like mine. The old self is gone and this teenager has replaced it. They are thinking below the belt, and hitting us below the belt.
There is help out there for what they are going thru, but it is up to them to find it and not cheat as a "cure".
blessing

Ya that must have been way uncomfortable for the client to ask you that.

I was asked by someone who runs a counseling center if i would talk to a guy about some life issues. He asked me if I would ever see myself in a romantic relationship again and I said that it just wasn't important to me right now and I would be happy just keeping my life simple. Besides that, I was in no way in shape to have anything seriuos and would be happier to just have friends and take care of myself.
I will probably seek some niche where a balance between being here for the kids and functioning in society will make me happy.

I told him to not look for a romantic relationship and just have friends and he would behappier in the long run.

LLL
I admire your strength. You'll be fine. Considering your WH OW's past - he won't be fine but that won't be your problem any longer.

Sugar,
Clarification to my post - some women in marriage lose authentic self and blame the marriage. I didn't say it was right or wrong - it's a fact that it happens. When I see a women here who fits I always recommend books like "Something More" which promotes becoming the person you're meant to be without divorcing.

Gg

Ugh, LLL. Unfortunately, the cockroaches will start scrambling out of the woodwork now that word is out that you are divorcing. You will see a lot of people you thought you knew reasonably well in a whole new light. I even had one guy trick me into a "date" (there was supposed to be a whole group of us and he was just driving me but it ended up being just the 2 of us). The worst part about it was that he kept calling me nonstop after that and I actually had to "break up" with him to get him to stop. It took me over an hour on the phone and I eventually resorted to the line, "It's not you, it's me*." GAG. In any case, it sure made it easier not to jump into the dating scene too early. I hope you can fend off the worst of your sure-to-be admirers.

*Footnote: In case anyone was wondering, if someone ever uses this line on you, it IS you!!!!!!