Friend and pizza she's bringing are delayed....I'm drinking too much wine....

Just want to tell all you how much it means to have a place to go with your thoughts for immediate support and feedback. It's a godsend. I feel badly for people who went through stuff like this in the silence of their homes, alone, for all of eternity before this wonderful invention, the computer. Thank all of you....

As for H....I am thinking he called me only for the fact that if I get an emergency call from a hospital on his behalf, I would know why.

Yep, computers are a wonderful thing and MB forum has been a great comfort to me on many times, especially during the false recovery last Nov.

Who knows what H wanted. WSes are nuts. I certainly want to be able to fully trust whoever I might name in advanced medical directives. And if I were thinking, I would not want someone I had ticked off.

I remember a story told by a friend of my parents and our pastor. When first married, the H came home late at night and W had locked the door. The H climbed up a tree to get in a second story window. Someone saw him and called the police. When they arrived, he told how he lived there and his wife said, "I have never seen this man before." Off to spend a night in jail before she identified him. Not sure why I thought of this story right now. Might be the Blue Hawaiian I drank earlier. Off to cook breakfast for dinner.

LLL, eat some cheese and crackers until friend arrives with pizza. Then have a great evening.


AM

the trimple sooth (hey, wait a minute. *I* haven't had any wine!)...

The simple truth is that he wanted 2 get validation that he's pitiable and it's your fault. Or, he just wanted you 2 feel sorry for him (and subliminally justify his behavior, perhaps). Or maybe he just needed 2 gloat, or hear your voice... who knows?

He didn't need 2 call you. He could have had his attorney call yours. And if a real emergency came along, I doubt anyone would just put him in the ground because he couldn't asked 2 be kept alive.

the correct MB response, though, might have been "what part of "NO CONTACT" don't you understand?"

Poor bass2rd, though...

-ol' 2long

I like the way LLL handled it. Kept her distance yet stuck to the high road.

I agree with others who say he didn't have to call......

TB

Ok - since we're speculating, let's have some fun.

His conscience won't let him get it up now that the fantasy has been blown public, so not so fun in the light of day anymore. She's not an attractive woman and he goes to the doc asking for an Rx for viagra - standard procedure is to rule out heart conditions as a part of ED problems....

ha ha!

So this is where the cheese gets binding. I can only speculate what is going through this mans mind. But he is now having to face his mortality. This will be a major factor in penetrating his arrogance. I suspect the thoughts are going through his mind like "What have I done?" I have just blown a relationship with a stable professional woman, that I have much history with. I let my hormones cloud my vision, I traded it all in for a flight into fantasy. I might have made a major error here.

I suspect your H is now having doubts about sleazy lady's staying power in the light of these new developments. I think he called you to float a trial balloon to see what your reaction would be. I suspect he is now feeling how alone he is in the world, but his pride will not let him indicate how foolish he is feeling right now. I suspect he has some major concerns about sleazy pants sticking around. She is a user, and he is just one of her stepping stones. His usefulness is rapidly becoming a question in her mind, and I would suspect that the affair fog is starting to develop some gaping holes.

You have been nothing but professional. And you responded with grace and possibly he realized you were concerned. He knows you are a class act. I suspect he brought up the issue of change in paperwork to see what the reaction was. He is likely getting a full on view of his foolishness and his abhorrent behavior.

So now he gets to wonder, as the Beatles used to sing
Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm sixty four?
And I can imagine he is thinking that sleazy pants is saying back: Who are you? What are you? Do I know you?
Sad state of affairs for him, the Karma bus has left the station.

I bet it was a 1/2 and 1/2. He was at least curious about LLL, and this medical news gave him an opportunity to call.

Really, this had little to do with you or concern about you. He got bad news, the whim to call, and did it. Typical WS, 100% about them 100% of the time.

He could have had the paperwork changed, very quickly without notification. There was no reason to inform LLL about the medical condition or the paperwork change.

It does sound like it had a effect upon you, LLL. No matter how strong you are, or resolute in your plan to forget, that is normal. Just when you thought it was safe to answer the phone.

Hang in there, you are doing great.

Yup!

Everyone is right. This was all about him. Maybe he wanted sympathy. Didn't get any from me. Still, he's been so dark, calling me seems like something he wouldn't do. Maybe he's scared. Who knows?

Was thinking skank/student/ow is probably trying to figure out how to get him to change his will quickly........

I'm just curious about what must be going on in his life. I know I am approaching achieving a balance and calmness that I love in my life. Doing that all on my own....no wait a minute, it's probably partly thanks to him leaving me alone. Need to make sure this stuff doesn't start happening regularly (contact). I don't want to be dragged into his messed up life. My guess is its very stressful. He's changed everything about himself. I've only lost him. Still have everything else pretty much as I like it.

Well, this certainly brings back memories. My XWH had a heart attack 6 mos after he left. Never was sick before that. These A's put tremendous stress on the WS. He was reliving his teens - whooping it up in the bar where he met OW, chugging, being the "big man about town" and no doubt "performing" for OW. Poof. Heart attack and reality set in. Surprise, he's 55 not 15.

I felt like I should do something, but at the urging of all MBers I stayed dark. He has since had a second one. OWs problem now since I think they got M over the holidays.

LLL, he was testing the waters to see if you are still available as a fall-back option.

Keep doing what you are doing and you will be OK. Don't let him pull you into the drama.

Is it possible that he revisited some old times when he went teenager crazy with OW? Did he ever use drugs as a young guy? Is POSOW the type to use recreational drugs or alcohol?
He could have had more chemical brain changes other than the ones that come from wrong thinking,age, or what seems to be on the surface, OWS seductive beauty

That would explain why the deep checking out of the heart=the need for viagra. Coke use can make a mess of a guy in the erection dept. Just a guess based on what this OW has for a history. I wouldn't put it past her

He is scared....and you have been his anchor for 29 years. He was hoping for sympaty from you ...but did not get it. He is realizing fast that la la land is short lived. Boy, how fast!
I do not know what to tell you, if it were my husband callling me and telling me he is seriously ill I would try to be in good terms with him. Illness is serious stuff and I would not want WH dead and me still mad at him,,,to what avail?
Blessing

Or new life insurance with skanko as bene.

Yo tambien.

I can attest to that ateana. When my wife was home after her time on the streets and her affair with coke-head she was still refusing to go to AA or seriuosly seeking a counselor for her issues. She never appoligized in the past for her behavior and expected everyone to suck it up as she trashed us and this time was no different.
After 7 years of taking this stuff from her I had very little hope she would ever get her crap together again but there was still hope. The kids waited to see thier mom recover from drugs and be who she was before her relapse and I waited for whatever. I was pretty hopeless by then inside but still supported her to get some help.

When the doctors told us she had cancer all of my frustration and issues I had with her crumbled and I didn't sleep more than 2 hours a clip for the next 8 months, sometimes up for two days at a time. It was all about saving her life now. We allready knew she had to hit rock bottom before she got better but this was her life. The desparation and guilt monsters were driving me full time then and I hated myself for ever being hurt by her actions and not taking better care of her. Even though she wouldn't make a decision to take care of herself and fought us at every turn.

After she passed I had to deal with guilt and anger of how she destroyed herself right in front of us. I didn't know where the line should have been drawn between my fault and hers. What went so wrong? What could I have done differently? How could I ever be OK now when all I worked for was to never be? How do I help my kids?

This is why I came here to begin with. Here I see other ppl who have done what I did for a short time with support and called it Plan A. I also hear that because I had no support and did plan A for 7 years I shouldn't be surprized I am a wreck internally/emotionnally. Hear I see that plan B I implemented 22 years ago was the best thing I could have done for all of us. Here I learned that trying to handle it all without support was foolish and it was going to take a long time to feel good again. Here I learned that I am human and what happens when I try to bear more than I was designed to, reguardless of intentions.


But when I was waiting for my wife to change and so insulated because I was doing all I could and she was just stubborn and had a sick mind, and I found out she was going to die.
Well I didn't know that all those things I knew she was asking for by her behavior would not be very much comfort anymore and how I would feel.

You have been together with WH for a long time. This illness is seriuos and it could be very painful for you LLL

Up at ungodly hours again....can't sleep. H's contact and health problem shook me.....I need to work again to achieve my balance. Of course, have heard nothing more and I'm sure he'll change his health POA as soon as he can.....really not a big deal to do that.

My guess is that he was startled by his test results and was grappling with the fact he's mortal. He's always been healthy, active. This will be a huge adjustment for him. Heck, it's a huge adjustment for me to think of him as not young and healthy. I don't think you really see or feel yourself getting older when you don't have children growing up in front of you. You can pretend time isn't passing until something like this shocks you in to reality.

Well, as much as I hate what he did to us, I feel sorry for him. He's turned his life into a soap opera at a time that I bet he wishes he had the stability and security of a long relationship as well as our wonderful, comfortable home environment. Now, he's living (I think) in an apartment on his own (I'm sure OW is there a lot).

This will put a strain on that relationship.....it'll be a test....how serious is it and is she willing to stand by him in a health crisis. Her bio from my PI would certainly not give a lot confidence that she will.

However, I will not be second choice. I will not be his backup plan/nurse in a pinch. Not that I've even been asked. But if he had a change of mind now about us, I couldn't trust it was for the reasons it should be.

Wow, I do not want to be putting so much thought into him.

Would it be possible that your H uses his health as an excuse to make the D more to his advantage? Or to stall the D procedure?
In terms of OW, if she is after the money your H's poor health only brings her closer to what she is after. These OW that hook up with older men are not in for the sex. They want money or if they have small kids from a previously failed M they want a father for their kids who also provides and income. So the fact that your H might not be able to be a sex god is fine with them. Maybe even better as they might not even enjoy the sex with WH.
She is "it" now and it would be interesting to see how it pans out, but yes, in a way I see your point. You do not want to be a nurse and second best. After all, it was his choice not yours to make his life more complicated when it could have been simple and pleasant.
You last sentence is inspiring: I do not want to put much tought into him. Yes. This is the key to living well in spite of what WH did to us and treated us.
blessing

There is no point in putting thought into this. I assure you, he put no thought into LLL before he called. He did not care that he screwed her over, walked out on her and has ignored and humiliated her for the past months.

It was ALL ABOUT HIM. As his whims go, LLL is very low on his list. I for one would be ashamed to call my BS out of the blue and dump "sorry for myself" info on them.

There is not an end to his entitlement in sight, he really has overestimated his value, here.

I am glad you were polite to him, LLL. It would have been all I could do to NOT to have sent him (and lovely OW) a coupon for Depends and/or a bedpan for his surgery recovery. HEy, but I digress.

I kind of feel like I've had a dark cloud over my head for months....mom's illness and death....H becoming distant and then the affair discovery....him moving out and acting like I don't exist...now serious illness for him (and as much as I am trying not to care it's still hard to take in). I'm trying to go on and live my life and be upbeat. Generally, I do a pretty good job until the middle of the night, when it hits me how surreal all of this has been in such a short time.

I'm thinking maybe its time to get a good therapist to talk through all of these major life adjustments with......I think my sleeplessness is probably a symptom that I'm stuffing a lot and probably need to process all of this with some help.

I want to be happy. I will be happy. I have been given so many advantages in life....all of this will not pull me down. I won't let it.

exactly my concern i was going to express LLL