Ditto everything Jim said.
Read his post, again.

Jim

Thanks for the feedback. I spoke to JHarley about moving back in the house. I told her the W just upped her Lexipro. She felt based upon my state of mind and low love bank, the W would be love busting me every minute and basically completely deplete a love bank that is so low and will make it extraordinarily difficult. She felt that I should wait until the lexipro kicks in for my W and build a plan before going back in so I am better prepared. She was not apposed to me moving back in but didn't have a ton of enthusiasm for me just moving in tomorrow while W was at work.

This is why I need to get a Plan A going.

To answer a couple of your other questions
No I am not entertaining moving in with her parents. I guess I was just getting her off my back at the time. I will get into the house and park myself there until Divorce or reconciliation. Whoa the sparks are going to fly but I guess a little conflict aint a bad thing.

I do appreciate your help and certainly listen to it all. I would never even have considered moving back in the house if it wasn't for your pressure. Now I have a plan and determination to do it. I just need a Plan A for when I'm in and a reminder from you all at times that I have to stop being such a friggin wussy. How the heck did I get to this place of wussiness? I was not like this with her. Fear I think. Fear of losing everything..

Jim,

I am sorry for all that you are going through. That said, DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE THINGS OR AGREE WITH HER TO "GET HER OFF YOUR BACK!" I have seen that pattern repeatedly throughout your thread. This kind of conflict avoidance just causes her to mistrust everything you say and undermines your attempt at R. If you do not intend to do what she suggests, say nothing.

God's Blessings,

Say

Or you could go in there with a firm will and calm state of mind and shrug off all the lovebusting your WW does and start making love bank deposits more quickly.

And I agree, don't tell her something to get her off your back. That's a lovebuster. Saying no to her demands and walking away is not. Sure, you will probably have to endure more abuse (for now), but it's a small price to pay to start fixing your marriage.

I went out to dinner with the family last night. We had a blast. Laughed for two hours straight. The W brought up something about an adventures club for singles. Why does she do this? I don't say anything but just listen. The funny thing though is the kids overheard her talking to me about it and my 13 D said "mom you are married and shouldn't be dating. You are not single. Stop talking about that stuff." My 10 S joined in as well. The kids are starting to speak there mind more. My W started trying to do the whole seprated thing and defend herself and they kept at it. She became quite for about 10 minutes.

What is she doing. It's like she wants the family life but wants her freedom and independence. I'm thinking that I should tell her if she wants to do the single scene then let me know so we can stop playing family. This is confusing to me.

How about you move back in so you can't do the "whole separated thing" again? How about you let your kids know that your WW has already been "dating" a married teacher at your daughter's school? Why do they have to bring it up? Why can't you? If you are separated, she's just going to seek out another OM. You need to be at home to keep her from seeking out other OM as much as you need to be home to make love bank deposits.

FP,

You are confused? Why? You are out of the house for a reason and that is so she can play single games. Your children even understand this why don't you?

She only plays family to ease her guilt. You might want to sit and really talk to your children, they seem to understand things much better than you do right now. My bet is that they know more than you think and perhaps more than you know. It is time for some "honesty" with your kids if for no other reason so that they can be honest with you.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

JHarley suggested I write my W a letter with a path to a loving relationship. She feels my W can not envision what the foundation for a happy loving relationship would be so she felt I should send her somoething. I would love to hear your thoughts on it. She helped me with it a bit. Any suggestions would be welcome. Forgive me for the formatting issues. Thanks

My Dearest
Sometimes it's difficult for me to put my feelings into words, so please accept this letter as words from my heart. We will be a part of each others life�s forever in some way shape or form. I have a question(s) that I hope you take the time to reflect on and consider the possibilities. If you could have feelings of romantic love and happiness with the man you married, the father of your children, and a man who cares for you deeply and with all of his heart, would that not be an ideal situation? Wouldn�t restoring your family and building a true loving relationship with feelings of love be an ideal situation? Wouldn�t that be worth fighting for? Many couples have been where we are now and made it through the hard times and are happier today than ever before. I would like to offer a vision of love that I hope would foster feelings of romantic love as something to consider. I am committed to follow it with you hand in hand.
Love to me is a true sense of caring. A promise to care for and meet each others emotional needs and not lose sight of those needs; becoming a source of happiness for each other.
Love to me is protection. A promise to protect each other from lifes hardships and protect each other from being a source of unhappiness through our words, actions and decisions..
Love to me is enthusiastic agreement to support our own needs as individuals and each others needs as life partners and make decisions together with the goal of mutual agreement in all we do.
Love is a promise of time...spending enough time with each other and provide for undivided attention so we can truly care for each other.
Love is a promise to exclusivity...a commitment to only meet each other's emotional needs and not allowing anyone of the opposite gender to meet our needs, like intimate conversation, recreational companionship, affection, and sexual fulfillment. Love to me is a promise to have no contact with past lovers including those we dated.
Love to me is respecting each others feelings. A promise to respect each others feelings and listening with out disrespectful judgement.
Love to me is honesty. A promise of radical honesty with each other and to be open and transparent with our lives.
This is glimpse and I have hope that if we follow this path, our feelings of true romantic love and passion can be created and sustained forever. I truly desire to have a life with you, to raise our children together, and to create a new marriage for the second half of this journey where we don't lose sight of the importance of sustaining our feelings of romantic love. I would love to know what you feel about this path.
The path we are on now makes me feel very sad because I see where it will lead us, our children, and our family. I truly hope you consider this option as a way to restore happiness to our lives and the lives of our children. I have hope and have faith that it will make us, our children and our family happier in the long run.

WOW....what a beautiful letter

FP, I really like the letter. I'm assuming you are still in some form of Plan A. I like it so much I may plagerize it for my own sitch.

Made me tear up. sheesh, and I'm a guy.

Larry

Thanks guys for the feedback on the letter. Now I'm thinking about the timing. I have been plan Aing her but it is difficult to do being separated. When I move back in teh house it will truly be the test. I'm going to give it to her over the Easter break. She will have some time away fromt the exOM and hopefully have some breathing room from her sitch at work.

Hey FP,

I have followed your sitch a bit, but I'm not fully back up to speed. (My wife and I are also separated.) I did read your letter.

I tend to be quite comfortable in the letter-writing arena, but I must say that you put together some good stuff here.

I sent my wife something recently but I balanced some heartfelt feelings/comments with an inner peace regarding the possibility of continuing life's journey by myself. 'Skatt' knows how I feel, but the reality of losing me, in my opinion, is what really got to her.

Just my sitch, and perhaps not overly pertinent to your W or your sitch.

Nice letter, though.

TB

Beautiful letter...I may have to use it for one of my letters to my WH. I hope she takes what you wrote to heart.

BT Thanks for the kudos and suggestion on the living life by myself. She does know that I will not be friends with her should we eventually lead to divorce and I think that does affect her. Do you have any suggestions?

Smiley - Thank you. I hope she does too but she is in a bit of an MLC so she may take it to heart one day and forget it another. It's the seed I am trying to plant. I have no expectations that it will "turn" her.

Hey FP,

Well, you used the magic words. You asked for suggestions, therefore my altruistic bones feel compelled to comply. I will post my letter to Skatt, her response to it, and my follow-up on my thread. I tend to be very open regarding the inner-workings of my world -- and sometimes I am not always comfortable with that degree of vulnerability -- but I will post it and you can do with it whatever you see fit.

Just no piling on. (That goes for the rest of the peanut gallery.....) It ain't always easy writing stuff like this, and it sure as heck isn't easy to put it out there for public consumption/analysis.

TB

BT thanks for posting the e-mails. Very interesting stuff. I know I will end up in your state of mind but I want to get back in the house which is 35 days and counting. No I'm not going in right now. I want to be in the right frame of mind.

I'm having second thoughts about sending the letter I posted. Our relationship right now is quite friendly (we joke etc.) and I'm thinking I may Plan A her for a while before I push such a heavy letter at her. She is not dating anyone but still has a desire for being single right now. Would love to hear everyones thoughts.

Also she is still working at the same school as POS OM so she is not fully through withdrawal and will likely not be through until end of school year (2 months and counting).

I really am trying to keep it light right now because R talk still makes her withdraw a bit. Plus it helps me through the limbo stage. Light happy and don't focus on the problems only on the here and now. This is what helps me and possibly her.

Damn this is hard stuff. D-day 10/08 Dday 2 4/09 seperation 5/09 and NC with OM for my W since 11/09.

I spoke to a counselor who felt she will not leave the house when I move back in despite the fact she said she may go to her parents house.

I am in utter disrepair. I have gone from plan A to divorce. I am OK with it. I am done. I found a used condom in my W's trash and confronted her. She is some where else and I accept that. I have done every thing I can for me and the family. I wrote her the following e-mail and attached the letter I posted earlier. Please. I need support to know I will move on. I am done with Limbo.

Hello

I don't know when you will read this but truly hope you do read it all.

It is sad that twenty years of history and a family has been lost. I accept your decision if this what you feel you need in the long run. The other day when we were at the Ale House, we laughed for two hours with the children. The waitress came around laughing and It felt to me like a happy place. I remember you looking up and saying "I'm happy". I thought then it was because of me and the family and I will remember it as such. It made me happy to see you in such a way. I will remember that moment for many years to come.

(wifes name here), I wrote you something several weeks ago that I wanted to send you but never found the right time. Now is probably not it, but it was my vision of reuniting in a true loving marriage and family..

I began to file for the divorce online today. If you chose to use attorney's we can, but I hope this will not turn into hatred. It is time for me to move on. I am sorry if we can not be friends. I love you too much to be near you. I wish you all the things you want.

Hey FP,

I am really sorry about the latest developments. What did she say when confronted?

TB

BEFORE you file for D, you need to move back in, so you aren't stuck being an every other weekend dad while you pay for her to have sex with other men in your house which you no longer have access to. You are in a HORRIBLE legal position, and you need to move back in. This is why we told you to move back in months ago, to get in a better legal position and protect your marriage against other men.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position, but you need to get with a lawyer today before you do anything half-cocked. You have your children to think about. You need to protect them from this selfish woman.