I am in desperate need of some reassuring words or advice from anyone experiencing or has experienced this is the past.

I have been married to my husband for 5 years, we have one son and I am currently 13 weeks pregnant with our second. We have had an amazing marriage and love each other very much, we tried for 6 months to have this second child. Things have changed in the past few months.

Since a little after Thanksgiving my husband had been acting very distant and different. I had a gut feeling something was going on. After I woke up at 1am one night to find him gone, I checked phone records and he had been talking/texting an x-girlfriend for about 3 weeks. He ended it that night, apologized, came home and made things better.

Then by the beginning of January he was distant again, this time wanting to go out every weekend with the "Guys". I have always let him have his freedom (maybe a mistake!). Soon dinner and drinks would end at midnight, then 4am. This time I knew it was another woman, he would never admit it. These nights out happened every weekend for almost three weeks. Finally I confronted him and he didnt deny it and insisted it wasnt sexual but that he did have feelings for this woman. I asked him to end it so that we could work on it again. He said no, so I kicked him out. This was one month ago.

We have gone to a marriage counselor that told him to make a decision, he has seen a therapist alone and he told him the same thing. We have still been on slightly good terms and he comes over all the time to see our son and spend time with us, but spends everynight over at her house. He insists he doesnt want a divorce and feels as though he is going through some sort of mental crisis because he wants me and our marriage but cannot bring himself to end things with this woman. He tells me he is still very in love with me and is working on figuring this out but his actions dont show it.

Some days he is loving and there, even going to church and trying to spend time with me. Other days I hardly hear from him. I have emailed him the link to this site telling him to take the first step by completely cutting her our of his life, but he still will not do it. I do not know what to think anymore. In the past few days I have cut him off from me completely. I only respond to texts when it has to do with our son. It seems he wants the best of both worlds and I do not want to give him that. He cannot have me when he has her. Please help.

KKLost,

Sorry that you've had to find this web site....

Rest assured you've found the right one.....

If you'll keep posting you'll get alot of help....

1st There is hope for your marriage !!!!!!

2nd The founder of this website Dr. Harley has a plan for recovery...... If you follow it it will be your best chance ....

3rd Dr. Harley has a book Surviving an Affair you needed it yesterday !!!! If your lucky your local book store has it in stock ....I found it at my local Christian book store ..... you can order it from this site as well......

4th take a deep breath and roll up your sleeves and get ready to go to work.......

5th Take the time to read the articles on the site they'll help you

Do you know who the Other Woman "OW" is ?????

Is she Married ?????

1. Read SAA.

2. Read everything you can on this website.

3. Prepare to expose this affair nuclear-style

4. Read up on Plan A and prepare to execute it. Read up on Plan B as well.

5. Know that the weekend is slow. More people will be along Monday.

6. Sorry you are here. But this is the best shot you have at saving your marriage.

Thank you so much!

No, I do not know who she is. She is divorced and has a 10 and 12 year old. (This is what he has told me)

You need to do some snooping to find out who the OW is and expose!

I am kind of in the same boat that is why I am here
I am new here
My boyfriend moved out for 3 months came back
I am raising a 5 year old
that looks at him as daddy
I might add we have been together 10 years I will not marry
and 50...
as I am a widow and I would lose all that I get and my 5 year old
will not rick that ..
He had a affair with a lady from work lied to me about it the whole time..
when he came back here I said no contact
he still sends her jokes in email
even sends her ones I send to him but she doesn't know they came from me...
sitting here right now doing a slow burn...
because he did it today he doesn't know I know this...
AS I have snooped...
He has changed jobs and doesn't work where she does and he spends no time with her
this I know he is here all the time other then work and I email him at work to get email back to make sure he is there
and I have a friend that works where he does and knows I would find out if he left work...
what to do about the joke emails I don't know every thing else is good he goes out of his way to try and keep me happy...
I am hoping to find help here as how to deal with this.

there's lots of way to figure out who she is......

If you've got the cash you can hire a PI .....

You can have a friend follow him to her house.....

you can check phone records.....

You can follow yourself...(risky)

Look thru his e-mails

If he still uses the computer at the house put a keylogger on it

you can get a cell phone that has gps on it ...put it on silent.... hide it in his car then call it to find where it is any time you want to know where he is......

I dont feel like finding out who she is would do any good. What would be the benefits of knowing?? I dont want to call her or expose her, apparently she knows hes married and that we are pregnant. They met at a bar and she obviously doesnt have any ethics anyway - what does she care what I have to say?

(We own our own business, so keeping this quiet is essential for our company and with the amount of clients we have; phone records are hard to figure out because of constant contact with about 80 people, he has been smarter this time by keeping texts and phone calls to a minimum, it seems)

Sunshine, please start a thread with the above post so that we can reply to each in their own space. Don't feel bad about this, it is just a practical measure that will help.

If you don't know how to start your own thread (listing of posts for you), ask and someone will help you.

Larry

Kklost, were you wanting to save your marriage?

If you want to save your marriage like we have, here is what it will take. But if you want to keep it a secret, you aren't likely to help your marriage, but will help the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy. Here is what it will take:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Ok Thank You Larry

Dr. Willard Harley, founder of Marriage Builders and clinical psychologist who specializes in resolving adultery issues:

When Should An Affair Be Exposed?

KKlost:

This is just a housekeeping matter. Look at the mass of words above. Hard to read, right? Break your stuff into paragraphs so those who would like to respond don't go cross eyed trying to read what you have to say.

Thanks - and a lot of people make the same mistake when they first come here, so don't worry about it, just do paragraph breaks. And you can go back and edit your deal above so more people can read it. Just click the edit button just below your post and fix it, like I just did to this post. See the edit mark just below my sig?

Larry

I really wanted Plan A to work, I tried it for the entire month he has been gone and he still isnt getting rid of his "friend" and hasnt come home.

Ive moved on to Plan B a couple days ago, last night he asked to come over and instead I told him he could pick up our son and spend time with him. I didnt let him in the house for the first time and kept my distance. When he dropped him off he smiled and told me I looked so pretty. I said Thanks. He asked what we were doing tomorrow (today) and I said Church (like every Sunday!) and said goodbye.

He has already texted me this morning (which I dont usually hear from him until after 10am or later) saying that I looked very beautiful last night and the way I clipped my hair was cute. I havent and wont respond unless it has something to do with our son.

I think Plan A is what he wants, he wants to come over and have a happy home when its convenient during the day and then at night be with her. He doesnt want to discuss anything about her or what has happened or is happening. He says he knows hes hurt me and he is so sorry but doesnt take the step to end things with her.

KKLost, if you're truly in Plan B, you don't let him see you, you don't let him talk to you and you definitely don't respond to him!

Plan B means absolutely no contact. Do you have an intermediary (IM) to handle interactions with your son? If not, get one!

Our son is almost 4 years old, I do not want to confuse him. My children come first. If I see he has pulled up the driveway, Ill send him out so that he doesnt see me. I will try to come up with another plan today, but it will be hard. (Not because of wanting to see him but because of our situation)

As for getting someone else involved to help, its a little out of the question. One of the reasons I am on this site is because I have no family and close enough friends to explain what is happening and get there help. I have a best friend that lives 3 hours away and she has been a great support to me over the phone but there is no one close by that could act as an IM.

You're not in Plan B unless you have an intermediary and have sent WH a Plan B letter. If you don't have those things in place you are making things much worse for yourself.

Go back to Plan A while you get your Plan B organized. Stick to Plan A until you have a solid Plan B ready to go. Get input from the folks here on how to do that.

Have you exposed his affair?

About exposure (change genders as appropriate):

--Exposure targets
Anyone with influence over your WS or the marriage. WS' parents, siblings, best friend, children if they're over 4. OP's siblings, parents, spouse. Your priest or similar if you're religious. Their employer if they work together. Work exposure should be done *in writing* to the head of HR, the CEO, and WS' boss. All of them should know the others were copied; this makes it harder for them to toss the letter into the trash and forget about it.

--Exposure message
Use a formal letter for work exposure. Everything else is short and sweet: "OP and WS are having an affair. I love WS and I am committed to doing whatever it takes to repair our marriage and make it better than ever. I'd appreciate any advice you might have." The exposure message is not vengeful; it is a message of love.

--No warning
Do NOT threaten to expose, do not tell her you're going to expose. Just do it. If she has advance warning, she will tell her friends and family "We are having trouble in our marriage. H is controlling and angry. He won't talk to me, he won't listen to me. He is possessive and jealous, and he accuses me of insane things. Sometimes I'm scared for my physical well-being, he's changed that much. Thank goodness I have friends to talk to, otherwise I don't think I could bear the abuse. OM has been especially helpful in offering insights into how a man would see things. I just hope we can make it but I'm not sure we can." How do you think your exposure is going to sound after an oscar winning performance like that?

--Exposure after-effects
Your WS is going to be furious. You will hear predictable things like "I can never trust you again. I was going to dump OP and reconcile but you've blown any chance of that. I hate you. I'm filing for D." Don't EVEN pay attention to this stuff. Your WS is just angry because the super-fun super-secret affair is suddenly looking downright tawdry and the fun is turning into a nightmare. Just ignore most of it. If your WS tries to talk about divorce, say "I don't do divorce, I do marriage." Then change the subject. If your WS tries to pick a fight, tell them you'd very much like to discuss things when you can both be calm and rational, and leave the room if you have to. If she says things like "How could you do this?!" tell her you'll do whatever it takes to save your marriage.

KK, what you are doing is not Plan A, but plan Appeasement, which only serves to enable the affair. While it is not a magic bullet, exposure is part of Plan A and is the most effective tool you possess. Without that part, your Plan A just becomes a plan to enable the affair.

A good Plan A causes enormous and persistent CONFLICT in the affair.

Even so, Plan A only works to end the affair about 15% of the time. When the affair has been exposed and you have indicated to your WS that you will be willing to meet his needs in the FUTURE, then Plan B is warranted. Plan A should last about 3-4 weeks for women.

My advice to you would be to do a nuclear exposure on the affair, to his parents, yours, the OW�s family, close friends, family, pastor, everyone. Then plan to go into Plan B shortly thereafter.