Also, is your husband exposing your son to his filthy affair? Has he met this OW?

I have exposed (Im working on hiring a PI to find out who she is) it to him but not to those around us. His father and brother know that we are having problems but they do not know the full extent of it.

As far as I know, he has not taken our son to meet her.

KK, your husband already knows about his own affair. The affair has not been exposed.

Again, time is wasting and this is going to get worse if you won't help yourself. We can't help you if you won't cooperate.

By keeping this secret, you AIDE AND ABET the affair and nothing we tell you can overcome the damaging effects of your secrecy.

ML,

If KK is getting a PI and can get hard evidence of the A.....

And can develop a nuclear exposure plan in the next few days .....

Then implement it.....isn't that her best path or you wanting to press-on with exposing without the OW's name or any hard evidence ????

I just received an email from him asking me to take a little vacation with him this week so that we can work on things. I have not responded.

I am more than willing to do this if he can 100% assure me that she is out of the picture. He has lied to me so much I dont know what to believe at this point.

I am working on getting a PI, I joined this site for help .. and I am cooperating.

She has not agreed to expose the affair, SC. Did I miss where she agreed to this?

I guess I missed something. I missed where you agreed to do a nuclear exposure of the affair. So, you are saying you agree to expose the affair as outlined by turtlehead?

I will go back and read the thread again, but I must have missed this part.

KK, in case you haven't notice, Mel is about the most subtle board member we have... NOT!

One thing about Mel, though, is you always know exactly what she's thinking. She doesn't hint - she comes right out and tells it like she sees it.

And she's one of the best on these boards.

KK

I think your doing a fine job cooperating.....

I would think you stay in Plan-A which is to go with him this on the Vacation... And you knock his socks off with how great a wife and friend your are and have been to him......Remember he loved you so much he wanted to marry you........

Plan-A is your chance for him to see the potential of your marriage and recovery.......

In the mean time you prep for Plan-B

Use the PI to get the Evidence you need

And get that exposure done as soon as you can......that needs to be done as soon as you can organize it

Exposure is the single best thing you can do to save your marriage ......that's why everybody here wants you to have done it yesterday !!!!!

It needs to be Nuclear .....Complete......All at he same time....

That takes a little planning need to make a list of everyone who can put pressure on WH and OW ......friends, family, co-workers, pastor......

There is no benefit from hiding it in any way.....If you loose your marriage trying to protect a reputation...... For who......the WH......

Exposure is effective..... Plan it ....... Use it.....

Enjoy the Vacation........

SC, can you show me where she has cooperated? She has so far rejected exposure and refused to cooperate. I cannot find where she has cooperated AT ALL..

Perhaps I smoked too much crack today, but if you would show me, it would sure help alleviate my confusion!


Thanks!

Ml,

KK put her 1st post her less than 24hrs ago...........

I would give her the benefit of a doubt that she is trying to process what and how to handle all that is being thrown at her......

She still is trying to figure out what a proper Plan-A is ......

In less than 24hrs she has got a PI on line..... I see it as a first step to effective exposure.....

SC, I am still confused. She has not cooperated and has not agreed to expose. Why are we pretending like she has? I am not understanding your strategy here. Can you explain?

I have never known pretense to be an effective strategy. Have you? Problems get resolved by facing them head on, not by avoiding them.

Hiring a PI is not exposing. She has not agreed to expose, in fact, she has dismissed that suggestion.

We need to help her with a PLAN and that cannot happen if we pretend she is cooperating when she is not.

My goal is to help her save her marriage with very specific steps. And that DOES NOT include pretending there is cooperation, wouldn't you agree?

KK --

You need to understand that exposure is on eof the most effective tools in getting a cake-eating spouse off of the fence.

I assume he is not proud of his behaviour. Hopefully when you tell his father and brother about his affair, they will disapprove and tell him to act right.

Also you need to expose the OW to the people in her world. You mentioned that she knows about you and the baby. If you are relying on what your husband says, you need to understand that he is very likely LYING to you. She probably has been told that you have a loveless marriage, you are seperated, or you are almost divorced - just waiting for the papers. She'd probably be real surprised to hear that your husband doesn't want a divorce and you are having another baby!

You need to let her friends and family know that she is a homewrecker!

If you put that kind of pressure on the affair, it might crumble right then and there! It will be him against her -- instead of them against you!

You describe a very happy marriage, but there must be some needs that the OW is meeting that were lacking in your relationship.
Any ideas?

oooooookay, SC. There is nothing "compassionate" about pretending that someone who is NOT cooperating IS cooperating. Pretense is not compassionate when your marriage is on the rocks, it is an impediment to the solution.

If you don�t mind, I will demonstrate my "compassion," not by telling her she is cooperative when she is not, but by helping her develop a plan to save her marriage. Would that be ok with you?

Forgive me for copying and pasting from elsewhere, but I've already typed it out.

Full compliance means things will go better.

Compassion is good but it turns into enabling when you do it for too long.

If we waited for each person to understand why something was so important, NO ONE who EVER came to this site would EVER recover a marriage, because they'd be too busy figuring out why this or that was necessary.

Everyone needs to think things through before they act.

KK everyone here believes in marriage recovery, for those M's at least, that have chance of a better future life. What ML is telling you is a hard truth of marriage recovery.

You may not be able to wrap your head around this yet, but it is the advice of the site builder, (Dr.H) and more marriages here have been helped by following this advice than not.

You are a real NEWBIE here. I don't blame you for wanting to think things over, but the advice here will always pretty much be the same. People do not change overnight. This is true of your WH -- and you.

I agree that you should plan A until you have a good understanding of plan B and what it entails.

You know you are going to have to set boundries for any sort of marriage recovery, right? You also know that you can not live this 1/2 life,...no?

So what is it you want us to do for you?

KKlost, sorry for the little sidetrack there, but be assured the best weapon you have against this affair is exposure. I would find out who the OW is, and come back here and let us help you strategize to use that intel in the most effective way.

Secondly, Plan B is not something to be entered into blindly. There are many compenents to this plan that have to be in place in order to be effective.

I would get the book, Surviving an Affair, as soon as you can and read up on Plan B. FRom there, we can help you get all your ducks in a row. Your close friend CAN be your intermediary even though she doesn't live close by.

Mel, I admittedly read through this kind of quickly but I don't see where KK has said she *won't* expose either. I do see where she doesn't know anything about OW so in light of that it does make sense to hire the PI, get a bit of info, and *then* expose.

Now if she were making excuses and using the PI tactic to delay because she was scared or "not ready" I'd be pushing her toward exposure too. But it seems to me that she really may not yet have enough info to do a proper exposure.

I think it's pretty clear from Harley's writings as well as the stories we've seen on these forums that one big exposure is much more effective than trickle exposure. In light of that, KK really does need to know something about OW. What is her name? Where does she work? Is she married? Kids? etc.

I think hiring a PI (which KK is doing) and getting enough info to do a strong exposure is a wise tactic.