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#23328 10/24/99 10:57 AM
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Podperson,<BR>oh, how right you are. I only wish I could stop beating my self up incessantly. People say "you should have left first." What in the heck is the difference? If the person has an affair, then leaves, or leaves, then finds another relationship...guess what...the outcome is the same! Whomever initiates a divorce is still breaking their vows, correct? If one person cheats first then the betrayed gets to opt out of all responsibility. In a twisted way, the betrayer makes separation and divorce easier for the betrayed because then they can blame it all on that cheatin' spouse. Not only that, the betrayer gets extra sympathy from whom ever comes next. I'd say it is win-win for the betrayed if a divorce really is inevitable.

#23329 10/25/99 12:05 AM
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TheStudent,<BR>NO cheating does not make it easier for the betrayed spouse. It makes it 1000 times harder. Opt out of all responsibility, eh? Even though my H never once said a word about being unhappy with our marriage in 19 years, he still tried to blame me for his leaving. He told our daughter that I knew there were problems in the marriage. He told me it was because of my basic personality. He told me he didn't like the way I relate to people - though others have told me I excell at dealing with difficult people and his boss once made him go to class to learn how to deal with people because his co-workers were scared to come to him for help because he would get angry at them if they didn't understand him or disagreed with him. That was during his last episode of depression - this time he was ok at work, and took it out on his family by withdrawing from his kids and treating me like sh$t. He told our daughter he was "looking for someone to talk to" when he placed the internet personal ad. Yeah, right. The only mistake he admits making is marrying me - he told our daughter that he shouldn't have married me because he wasn't sure - but he NEVER TOLD ME if that was in fact the case. I realize that he is rewriting history, but he is the one who is opting out of responsibility. And he is getting plenty of sympathy from the counselors as I mentioned in a previous post, as well as of course from the OP. Even his father welcomes her to his home, while still hoping to stay in contact with me and the kids. Meanwhile, although I see about as much of my friends as I used to, I am certainly not getting "extra" sympathy. I agonize over what I might have done to prevent this - if only I had never gotten angry or been disrespectful to him no matter how much he put me down, no matter how crazy it drove all of us when he would scream obsenities at the computer when the games he was playing "for fun" didn't go right, if I had only fully supported every thing he wanted to do, and if I had never asked him (and I asked, not demanded) to have a vasectomy after child number six (and oh yes he blamed me for the two kids who weren't planned because he said I refused to use birth control - not the way I remember it), if only I had realized he wanted me to go back to work full-time, if I had never complained about his long absences when he was actually with the OW - maybe he would still be here. And yes, I do worry that people are thinking that I must be a horrible wife for him to have been willing to give up his children whom he obviously loved to "escape". I was undoubtedly not a perfect wife, but I know I treated him far better than he treated me, and he admitted that I always acted like I loved him. <P><p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited October 24, 1999).]

#23330 10/24/99 03:03 PM
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Student,<P>I hear you. After the way my husband treated me for most of our marriage, if he had been the one to cheat on me, that'd have been the exact "exscuse" I needed to dump him. I'd have been just like some of the unforgiving spouses filled with anger and hatred on this forum. That would have added too much salt to my already festering wounds. But, thank God, that is not the way things went down. In our situation, it is best that it was me who cheated. My husband knows that he mistreated me during our marriage. He knows it and he accepts it. If things had been the other way around, I don't think I could have gotten over it. <P>Nellie<BR>And if he had his affair, but didn't leave the marriage, and wanted to try again, you sound like the kind of person who would try to forgive him and go forward, am I right? Well, this is what I'm talking about. There are many of us in that situation ------ we had an affair, it was a wake up call for BOTH of us, and we want to go forward. That's my situation. Therefore, what good would it do to beat myself up? What good would it do to go on and on about what a "terrible" person I was to have an affair? People make choices based on their own situations and their own truths. Sometimes those choices are good, and sometimes those choices are bad. Having an affair was a bad choice, but the way my husband chose to behave in this marriage was also a bad choice. We both reacted to our situation and now we are trying to do things better. I'm glad to have his cooperation finally, and yes, I do credit the affair for being the eye opener that was needed. <P>I wish your husband would cut it out and realize how fortunate he is to have a spouse who is willing to forgive and go forward. It is his loss if he never realizes this.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by PodPerson (edited October 24, 1999).]

#23331 10/24/99 07:25 PM
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Nellie1,<BR>I'm sorry if I offended you or came across as being unsympathetic to you. The question was asked whether it was better to be the betrayed or betrayer, and of course, I can only speak from my own experience. I confessed voluntarily and was extremely remorseful. My H took his ring off the next day. He was incredibly abusive, told me he didn't care if I killed myself (just don't do it in his apt.), told his family, friends, and coworkers details about my life that I had told maybe one or two people EVER. Oh, and he took a woman "friend" on a vacation, slept in the same room and said he didn't have sex. Uh-huh. When my mom was diagnosed with cancer during all of this, he actually got mad, and invited his friend over to play video games all day instead of spending time with me. I put up with this cr*p for a year hoping to save my marriage, and he left anyway, saying that his "morals" didn't allow him to stay with me. Whatever. He has since apologized, but weakling that he is, won't do anything about it. His brother just dumped his wife and kid too. My ex took him to Hawaii with him for his company's annual meeting. A sort of "dump your wife" bonding experience, I guess. I know he'll have some big sob story to tell his next girlfriend about how awful I was, because that is what he told me about his past girlfriend, the one he physically "pushed around". yea, yea. He's oh-so perfect.

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