|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
turtle, I sure hope you are right. I read through the thread 4 times and NOWHERE has she agreed to expose this affair, though. There are ALOT of assumptions being made here about that. Here are her comments about exposure and nothing has changed since then: *What would be the benefits of knowing??? I dont want to call her or expose her, [OW] apparently she knows hes married and that we are pregnant.
*We own our own business, so keeping this quiet is essential for our company and with the amount of clients we have
*I have exposed (Im working on hiring a PI to find out who she is) it to him [her WS] but not to those around us. His father and brother know that we are having problems but they do not know the full extent of it. I think its a mistake to make such assumptions because we can't help her if we are not clear on where she is. "Working on hiring a PI" is a very long way from agreeing to expose an affair. Especially since her previous posts were saying she won't expose. What say you, KK? Have you decided to expose?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080 |
I read this 3X's. Initially KK did site reasons for not exposing in her first few posts. Also it is clear she does not know who the OW is and needs PI work for intel. Mel, I admittedly read through this kind of quickly but I don't see where KK has said she *won't* expose either. I do see where she doesn't know anything about OW so in light of that it does make sense to hire the PI, get a bit of info, and *then* expose.
Now if she were making excuses and using the PI tactic to delay because she was scared or "not ready" I'd be pushing her toward exposure too. But it seems to me that she really may not yet have enough info to do a proper exposure.
I think it's pretty clear from Harley's writings as well as the stories we've seen on these forums that one big exposure is much more effective than trickle exposure. In light of that, KK really does need to know something about OW. What is her name? Where does she work? Is she married? Kids? etc.
I think hiring a PI (which KK is doing) and getting enough info to do a strong exposure is a wise tactic. JMO-I think there also is some confusion with MB principles because she is PLAing / PLBing in just a few short posts and time frame. Intel by PI might give her the fuel to do a full blown nuclear exposure although I also did not see where she agreed to it. I agree with TH that more info on her part is needed to properly expose. I also see the importance of exposing the info found. I did see a post where she said "She was cooperating". JMO Nesre
M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011
Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I think its a good idea to wait to hear from KK to find out what she intends on doing before making more assumptions based on reading things that are not there.
I agree it is a great idea to hire a PI to get more intel, but she has never said the purpose was to use the intel to expose, much less expose the affair. That is yet another assumption.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,928
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,928 |
KK, you need to know who this woman is because you do not want to meet up and have a nice chat with some woman who acts like she wants to be your friend while she is thinking how much fun it is to bamboozle you into friendship so she can get info on what your husband likes, etc.
Yes, OW do this kind of thing!
You need to expose because this OW is probably telling people that he is already divorced or single so they won't know that she is a home-wrecking ho.
You also need to expose because your WH is thinking that he will keep his sweet lil' wife and have a plaything on the side, with nobody thinking any less of him.
By exposing their sleazy little adulterous affair to the light of day, they will be subjected to the eyes of everyone who knows them watching everything they do.
They will also have people who matter to them letting them know that what they are doing is WRONG and that they should STOP it!
As for your business, if the OW manages to get her claws into your husband for good and your marriage ends in divorce, you can bet your boots that she will be pushing for your H to get at least half, if not ALL, the business so that she can have what she probably sees as a cushy life. For some reason, a lot of OW tend to think that a man who has a business is loaded with cash.
You need to get into fighting mode and FIGHT for your marriage. MB is the best tool you can use.
Do what MelodyLane tells you to do!
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 3,916
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 3,916 |
When someone starts telling Mel what to post, uh, well never mind, and I am certain based on up close and personal knowledge. I just hated that she was right.
Anyway, been reading all the posts. KKlost will either be back to see what she can see or she won't. Lots of guys who own a business along with their wives, become targets. The hos who target them seldom understand that half or more of the business belongs to the wife and a nasty divorce is not something good for said business.
And some business owners get all puffed up with their accomplishments and fail to understand a lot of things they ought to understand.
This is a deal where nobody wins. I have seen a business taken down by adultery. And everyone ended up broke except the wife. The OW bailed of course.
Exposure happened even though the wife didn't do it. She got lucky with a real shark for a Lawyer who nailed hubby.
Larry
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
I didn't see any of the other usual snooping tactics mentioned. KK, have you tried looking at his cell phone records? Most waywards are on the phone constantly with their OP, either texting or calling. If you can get that number, you might be able to find out who OW is thru Intelius.
You could also try to hack into his email, facebook accts...
If your WH is not staying at home anymore, you could also follow him after work to see where he is going or if you could gain access to the car undetected (maybe while he is working?) you could put a GPS device in there...
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
I have emailed him the link to this site
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
How is your pregnancy going?
All things good and healthy so far?
Any health concerns for you or your baby-on-board?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688 |
I am in desperate need of some reassuring words or advice from anyone experiencing or has experienced this is the past.
I have been married to my husband for 5 years, we have one son and I am currently 13 weeks pregnant with our second. We have had an amazing marriage and love each other very much, we tried for 6 months to have this second child. Things have changed in the past few months.
Since a little after Thanksgiving my husband had been acting very distant and different. I had a gut feeling something was going on. After I woke up at 1am one night to find him gone, I checked phone records and he had been talking/texting an x-girlfriend for about 3 weeks. He ended it that night, apologized, came home and made things better.
Then by the beginning of January he was distant again, this time wanting to go out every weekend with the "Guys". I have always let him have his freedom (maybe a mistake!). Soon dinner and drinks would end at midnight, then 4am. This time I knew it was another woman, he would never admit it. These nights out happened every weekend for almost three weeks. Finally I confronted him and he didnt deny it and insisted it wasnt sexual but that he did have feelings for this woman. I asked him to end it so that we could work on it again. He said no, so I kicked him out. This was one month ago.
We have gone to a marriage counselor that told him to make a decision, he has seen a therapist alone and he told him the same thing. We have still been on slightly good terms and he comes over all the time to see our son and spend time with us, but spends everynight over at her house. He insists he doesnt want a divorce and feels as though he is going through some sort of mental crisis because he wants me and our marriage but cannot bring himself to end things with this woman. He tells me he is still very in love with me and is working on figuring this out but his actions dont show it.
Some days he is loving and there, even going to church and trying to spend time with me. Other days I hardly hear from him. I have emailed him the link to this site telling him to take the first step by completely cutting her our of his life, but he still will not do it. I do not know what to think anymore. In the past few days I have cut him off from me completely. I only respond to texts when it has to do with our son. It seems he wants the best of both worlds and I do not want to give him that. He cannot have me when he has her. Please help. KK; I have not been preggers in years, but I remember what an emotional coaster it can be. There is help here, the kind of help you need- in dealing with a wandering spouse. That is what you have. More details would be nice: How long married first time? How long he stayed married in between? How long married this time? -5 years - good or bad ones? Is he in IC? Have you read the content of the site? That is really the first step. You have the ability to do this. You are really in the power position, unless you decide to hand it over to your WH and slutty OW. I am very sorry that you are here. But you did stumble on the best resource you could find about recovery and surviving an A.
Last edited by barbiecat; 03/01/10 02:09 PM.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,499
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,499 |
{{{{{KK}}}}}}, I am so sorry you are here. Dealing with infidelity is hard enough without having to add being pregnant as well.....I can't imagine. That being said, you are in the VERY BESTEST place to help YOU through this gut-wrenching ordeal. How did you find us?...Have you read "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley? If not, I suggest you do that as soon as possible. It is the "bible" for us around here when it comes to dealing with affairs. It will also help you to better understand what we are talking about when it comes to Plan A, Plan B, how to begin Recovery and such. I found this quote by you interesting. I wanted to make some comments about it..... I dont feel like finding out who she is would do any good. What would be the benefits of knowing?? There are many reasons YOU need to know who she is. First off, she is your ENEMY. You need to know who your enemy is in order to protect yourself. Even IF your WH (wayward husband) were to end this affair today, you will find yourself wondering every time he interacts with a female whether or not if this is "her". The cute waitress at the resturant, was that "her"?...The teller at the bank who smiled at him...was THAT "her"?....and these thoughts will branch out.....and it will drive YOU insane. What if she is a client of your business?....would you want her to still be your client if you KNEW that she was the OW???..... See, you need to know, because the very most important part of Recovery is NO CONTACT for LIFE. You cannot be sure if that is happening if you do not know who your ENEMY is. As far as what you do know, consider it all to lies, since it came from WH. TRUST ME ON THIS......my H was one of the very best Gaslighter's of all time on here. On Dday (discovery day), all I had was an email. It had her name on it and that was the only tangible evidence on there (it was a lurve letter.....  ). H told me she was a 24 yr. old divorced mother with 2 kids. She lived in Neb. and he had met her on a business trip to Arizona and that it was only a Emotional Affair, it hadn't been physical in any way. It was only done by internet, and that they never had talked on the phone or IM..... Now, like a fool, I BELIEVED him. Well, not truly, but I had nothing else to go on..... And then he shut down all avenues (or so I "thought"...) for me to do any intel snooping...... Fast forward 4 1/2 months later to the night I discovered them together going into H's condo, and the "truth" comes out..... OW.....was a 42 yr. old, MARRIED, with 3 kids, lived in Florida, who name DID NOT match that on the email (she used her BFF'S name in case they had ever gotten caught....). My H was a client of hers. It was full-on physical affair, which started in Texas. See how the TRUTH never matched up with the lies that H originally told me???? So your first priority is to snoop and find out everything you can about OW. BECAUSE SHE IS YOUR ENEMY and your SON'S ENEMY........ apparently she knows hes married and that we are pregnant. How do you know this?? Did WH tell you this???....There are many OP's (other person) who did not know that the person they were involved with was married. Some of those people do have a conscience and want NOTHING to do with a married man. She "may" be one of these people.... The fact is, you need to start at the beginning, and the beginning is finding out WHO the OW is. She is the enemy.....and the art of any good war is KNOWING who your enemy is..... Please be kind to yourself.....this stuff really sucks and is hard. I know......I've been there..... not2fun
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 41
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 41 |
I do want to find out who the other woman is. I cannot expose without some knowledge of who she is so that is my primary goal.
I am still thinking hard about who to expose to. If any of our clients find out, we stand a big chance of losing them and running our business to the ground. I wont be able to pay our martgage or bills.
I really appreciate all the advice. Mostly I appreciate the compassion and kind words, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through and I grew up with an alcoholic abusive mother. I have ordered Dr. Harleys book.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,499
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,499 |
Then let's start there....
You truly need to be in Plan A at this point......Mel gave you a good summary of what Plan A is, re-read it.
Now for some help on snooping.....do you both work at this business? Is a home-based business or do you have an office?
And since your WH moved out, where is he staying? I'd ask him that info pronto. You NEED that in case of an emergency. If he won't tell you, is there any friend you might have that would be willing to tail him one night? If not, consider getting a GPS put om his car.
Also, another way to gather intel s to put a Voice Activated Recorder in the car. You can catch all kinds of infoation.
What about access to his email?
Do you have access to financial records (credit cards, banking info. both personal and business)?
I will wait till you answer some of these questions before I give any more suggestions.
If you can afford a PI that would be great but if you can't we can still help ya out......
Hang in there....the ride can be a bit bumpy.....
Not2fun
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,499
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,499 |
I forgot one VERY important thing....
DO NOT TELL WH about ANY of these snooping techniques.....
That may seem like a silly thing to say but it's been done.
Also, when you start getting some results but not quite enough info. don't say anything to WH, yet......once you have ALL of OWs pertantent information THAT is when you confront him followed up by exposure (which we can discuss next......)....
BUT until then, learn all you can about Plan A, Emotional Needs, and Love Busters....
Oh, and finally, good job on getting the books.......
{{{{{Kk}}}}}}
not2fun
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 41
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 41 |
Well, Ive called about 50 numbers (I blocked my number) and I have about 10 potentials. Luckily in our business we deal mostly with men, so if a man answered I was pretty sure it wasnt the number. The others are mostly ones that went to Voicemail that repeated the number back to me without a name.
I think most people dont want to answer a blocked call. (I know I dont answer them) So my plan is to go buy a prepaid phone and call the remaining numbers from that to see if a female answers. From there I am trying to come up with something to say so that I can weed out actual clients (and no it wouldnt be a client, I would find out too easily and my husband wouldnt risk the business) and end up with the other woman.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 3,916
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 3,916 |
I do want to find out who the other woman is. I cannot expose without some knowledge of who she is so that is my primary goal.
I am still thinking hard about who to expose to. If any of our clients find out, we stand a big chance of losing them and running our business to the ground. I wont be able to pay our martgage or bills.
I really appreciate all the advice. Mostly I appreciate the compassion and kind words, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through and I grew up with an alcoholic abusive mother. I have ordered Dr. Harleys book. I am a businessman. How much do each of you contribute to the success of the business? Can you, or will you, tell us what type of business it is, such as Insurance, or whatever. If you are not comfortable putting that out in the open for anyone to read, I supply my email address as my signature for that reason. Part of our compassion is the ability to practice tough love on here. We know just how upset you are because almost all of us have been in your shoes. And all of us, just about, were as clueless as a newborn calf at first. Sometimes we have to use a two X four to get through. Often people come on here and they don't want to hear the truth, the whole truth and nothing but. They want a reset button and that doesn't exist. You have done well to hang in there and filter the posts for something that is meaningful to you. Larry
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 41
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 41 |
OMG! I found out who she is and I do know her through mutual friends.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 41
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 41 |
My husband knows I know, I found emails and printed them out. Now she knows I know also. What do I do next!?!?!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 41
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 41 |
She just emailed him after I told her that were happy and I was pregnant. She said "She mentioned you guys were happy and that she is pregnant What the [censored]?" ......
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 3,916
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 3,916 |
Ahhh, so the plot curdles. You are happy and pregnant and she didn't know that. Well, well, well. . .
Sounds as if your husband has not been exactly truthful with her and does that surprise you?
Larry
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 41
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 41 |
Not really, the emails I found are of them back and for with I love yous and wish we would have met sooner. I am sick to my stomach!! "I smell like you"
Im glad I listend to everyone and now their little fairy tale is crumbling!!
Im super pissed that hes taken my son over to her home though! FURIOUS!
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
672
guests, and
57
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
