Obviously he could have parked it elsewhere. I've been there, done that.

Just wanted to repeat this - I was actually going to refer you to Ladylonglegs's thread when I saw she posted. Universities are notorious for doing nothing about this. They are the oldest "old boys club" around and it wouldn't surprise me if they don't pat each other on the back for this at faculty meetings. I have worked in and around academia for 25 years and I have only ever ONCE seen the university take action and that was because the prof sleeping with the student was a woman. They never, EVER go after the male professors. If they do decide to take action, it will be against the female student and even then the worst they usually do is move them to another lab (though that student's reputation is often damaged in the process).

I'm not telling you this to make you feel even more helpless than you already do. But you do need to know what you are up against. You would be better off going public (local news) and if you really want an impact, send a letter to the president of whatever professional society WH belongs to and cc it to your state and local newspapers as well as any campus rag. Make sure you indicate the lack of action the university took and play up the fact that OW gets special treatment so it's not just horrible to you, but to every other student on campus.

No, university will do nothing. WH gone last night, crashed with one of his male grad students, returned this morning right before I took kids to school. We talked when I got back. Told me he was called to HR yesterday and they told him that he was to "get this handled, it was 'a distraction.'" Gee - crisis for me = distraction for them! Sorry to be a nuisance! If you'd followed your own rules, it would have been resolved!

Told WH had been on MB forum, that others harrassing & exposing is classic OTHER OW behavior. He told me that was b.s., he didn't know anyone who "had it in for him." He's still blaming me, accusing me. Told him I'd been through hell and was done with the relationship as it is. He can move out, or we can go to counseling. He doesn't want to go to counseling, but I also don't think he really wants to move out. We talked for 20 minutes and really didn't resolve anything; he had to leave to teach class.

Still insisted there's no PA, as he has since the start, but I don't believe him. Told him they had an EA, that he was turning to her for things he should have been talking to me about. Told him I was tired of him justifying that relationship, because it was destroying our marriage. I don't like it, they both knew it, but they continued anyway. Seemed surprised by the notion of an EA - I know we talked about it before, but this is the first time I think it sunk in.

Got the impression that OW is beyond ticked and not speaking to him. Don't know where we stand right now...

Drove around the entire parking lot, didn't see it. Learned this morning he crashed with a male grad student because OW isn't talking to him since the exposure.

I really hope you read and understood well MB basic concept and applied it. If you just want to rant and do whatever is coming, we will be here listening.

God Bless.

-rh-

Worse, is there any kind of PLAN here? What is your plan?

Thanks, redhat, I really appreciate all the support.

I've felt so alone for so long, because my best friend - my husband - betrayed me, and I haven't had any to talk to since. My family and friends know nothing of this drama - my parents are deceased, my siblings are scattered, and I was so ashamed for so long because I felt like I had failed. Lots of tears, lots of drinking, lots of medical problems this last year - just learned yesterday that my normally 100/60 blood pressure had jumped to 160/80 after he told me he was going to leave. None of it good and cannot continue.

I did read the basic concepts and started the conversation by apologizing for being so nasty in my text. I told him I still loved him and wanted to make our marriage work, but there were 3 people in this marriage and that one had to go. If she didn't, I would.

He's still blaming me for everything - finances, harrassing emails, yesterday's exposure - and acts like his 3+ year relationship with this student isn't any big deal. I watch the kids, run the house, do EVERYTHING here, and let him work as much as he wants. But he says he's felt like he's been on a short chain these last 18 months because I text him when he works late and occasionally show up at his office unannounced. Duh!

Anyway, do appreciate the sounding board. It's helping me navigate these exceedingly choppy waters.

[quote=MelodyLane
Worse, is there any kind of PLAN here? What is your plan? [/quote]

We don't have a plan. I don't know if he's coming home tonight or not.

WFW- I think she means what is YOUR plan for yourself?

Get my finances in order and prepare for the worst.

I am glad you are standing up and not being doormat any more.
However...
You have to do that in a manner that avoids LB's and AO's.
Anger and threats get us no where, especially empty threats where both parties know that it is not going to be follwe thru.

You need to show him the loving wife you are and the love you can have for your M while being firm with your boundaries of what is acceptable in the M and what is not.


Good start .
Now how you plan on enforcing the If she didn't, I would part of your speach.
Did you read up on the carrot and stick of plan A?
You cant do one without the other.

WRONG ANSWER !!!

How is that Marriage Building?
Do you want to save your M or not ?
If you want to save your M then stop putting your energy towards disolving and it and work on a plan for saving it.

So try again.

This is a totally normal internal dialogue for any person involved (betrayed spouse, wayward spouse, other person).

As mentioned in the book Surviving An Affair (not sure which page), there are advantages and disadvantages to both scenarios.

What you need to do is stick to the Marriage Builders Plan so that your options stay open longer. Saying phewy on the relationship is more difficult to recover from than proceeding with hope to restore.

He keeps telling me the finances ARE the problem. If we can work towards remedying that, it will address his biggest issue and give me the resources I need should things fall apart. Two birds/one stone.

We don't have a plan. I don't know if he's coming home tonight or not. [/quote]

Worse, I am talking about your plan. Your plan right now seems to be more of the same, which is a REACTIONARY plan to a fogged out wayward. That plan has availed you nothing except an 18 month affair where you get more and more worn down.

This will all continue until you stop doing that and formulate a plan to save your marriage.

Did you read any of our posts about Plan B?

This a good start. But, you will probably have to file for divorce or separation FIRST to get legal protection before you go into Plan B. He will be expected to pay the bills and support his family in the same way.

Wow thats one I have not heard before.

He had the A because you guys have financial problems and as soon as you guys win the lottery you and him will fall in love and live happily ever after .

Or wait
may be he means you are such a burden on him and if only you can figure out a way to be financially independent then he can get rid of the you the parasite and then you and him are both free to find other people to love and live happily ever after .

That is Wayward fog babble , dont let him scr*w up your mind will all that cr*p.

I did read it. I'll need to give it more thought.

Just got text - he stubbornly refuses to believe that anyone but me could have sent the exposure email. In the news we've seen students open fire on campus, grad students stuffing lab mate's bodies in the wall, and a prof gun down her tenure committee, yet he can't believe anyone could be so vindictive as to send nasty emails but me.

<sigh> Is he using this to try to justify his affair? Anyone hear of any other crazy stories like this?

Stop focusing on what he thinks. What does it matter who exposed him? He's HAVING AN AFFAIR with his student. It's wrong. He's suffering the consequences. He'll blame you because you're the source of his problems in his mind. You can't listen to him. You must proceed and protect yourself. It is not a given that you can get your H back and get him to give up OW. Start planning for all the things you need to have in place if he leaves you for OW. He's halfway out the door now.