Hi all,

I have a question about PlanB. I have spoken to a lawyer, and apparently as a SAHM she can file an injunction for emergency support pretty quickly. I expect that this would happen soon after I PlanB. Am I better served to provide her with some money as a token gesture of wanting to work things out without going to the courts?

Also, in terms of her access to the kids, should I address this in the Plan B letter?

Mfoss,

Are you guys still living in the same house?

In my opinion, no. Let her do the heavy lifting. Plan B is all about "letting her go" without any support from you. If she wants it, let her go to the lengths to get it.
What does your lawyer say? Is there a risk that if she picks up the kids one day she will skirt them away? Can you enforce supervised visitation? (You can be away while she visits as long as there is someone supervising).

When you write the Plan B letter, it is possibly the last love letter you will write your WW. It should be about your relationship and a way back for her. You can make an addendum page about visitation and finances etc.

As far as what to do about finances, what did you lawyer say wuld happen to you if you didn't give her any money? Would it hurt your chances at custody?

In SAA, the example was that there was no money given to Sue. Then she had to go to court to get support. Dr H approved of that, so I will leave that up to your consideration. You have to understand that in Plan B you are not to meet any of your WW's ENs. If, as many W, one of her ENs is FS, then you don't meet it(unless it is court ordered).

I was told many times, Plan B is a prelude to D.

Yes. She is in the spare room.

You are probably right. I feel it may force her to engage a lawyer and "go for gold" as opposed to being more reasonable and working things out.


There is always a risk of her taking the kids. I think it is small, but it is a risk to be sure. My lawyer said I would have to fight hard for custody, and that she would likely get custody if she fought for it. I probably need to get a second legal opinion on all this stuff now that it may be most imminent.

Right, good to keep in mind. Plan B is very live ammunition.

Well, I have given my best, and will continue to do so. That is really all I can do. I do want to bring my full game to plan b, and that means planning in advance (for me at least).

Mfoss,

I'm so sorry to hear about your current turn of events. I am with you. While your ww is having multiple ONS, my ww is still engaged in an ongoing EA and wont stop. I am also trying to decide about filing for D or legal Separation or waiting for her to file. I need to get to Plan B soon, but am unsure how to get her out of the house without the kids.

By the way, my ww is staying in our spare room also.

Hey SOL -

I appreciate your empathy, and I feel for your situation as well. I try and avoid feeling too sorry for myself, and focus on taking proactive action, but it is hard. For me, it helps a lot to know I am not the only going through this stuff right now, and the more I read about other threads, the more I realize how most of my situation is (sadly) standard.

I am not a vet, so take this with a grain of salt, but you filing for D does not seem like Plan A or Plan B behaviour. So I would focus on Plan A and prepare for Plan B as best you can. You filing for D seems like a waste of time at this point. I could be wrong though!

Getting WW out of the house without the kids is a challenge I can empathize with. You need to talk to a lawyer about that one, as I am.

I often feel I give WW too much credit, or worry too much about her response. I know when I hit plan B, I am going to have things setup so I am ready for whatever happens.

As I gather my thoughts, and do a situation assessment, I am confused about where I am at, and what I am dealing with.

My time here starts with WW asking for separation when there was an EA (which I exposed and killed), and has evolved into a ONS that I exposed and killed, and another ONS that I discovered happened before my second exposure. I am still gathering info about this second ONS, and whether it might be more than a ONS. Currently, I now have reason to believe there still may be contact. Gathering evidence.

Also, I now realize there have probably been several ONS in the past (before I got to MB).

We have been going to MC, and one of the questions the counsellour has asked WW is, "is it totally over", and "if not, will you agree to not see OM in the interim". WW has avoided answering for a long time, but most recently said "it is not totally over, but I can not agree to not get involved with others". Great wayward logic!

At the time, I avoided responding, as I was too stunned to, and I knew that my response would likely lovebust majorly! After some contemplation, I decided that I may as well proceed with Plan A until I had proof of other ONS or EA/PA.

My question is, is her inability to agree to not have relations with OM enough to flip to Plan B in itself? Or should I wait until I have evidence of active action?

I'm not a veteran here, so maybe my opinion isn't what would be recommended. But I have to ask, what makes you willing to stay married to a woman who has had possibly multiple one night stands and EA/PA's? This isn't one affair, this is multiple partners and almost a behavior pattern of long-standing from your descriptions. Is there something in you that makes this tolerable to you and makes you continue to seek trying to save the relationship?

I guess I can see trying to salvage a marriage with one mistake but this is multiple assaults to your relationship by her.

Wow, talk about entitlement! This woman does not want to be married, that's my take on it.

A horrible example of a parenting role model, too.

I'm sorry, mfoss.

It is not tolerable to me to be sure. It is possibly salvageable, and I committed to exploring that as best I can, as long as I think there is a sliver of hope. That is why I am here!

I suppose I take some solace in reading other success tories where there has been equal or greater betrayal. However, I am also open to cutting bait, and all feedback is welcome and appreciated, including the 2x4.

Thanks for your empathy Fred. Is your take that I should hit Plan B based on current circumstances? Or are you thinking Plan D?

mfoss, the MB way is Plan B -- which is a precursor to Plan D, should the marriage not survive.

The choice is yours, and I'll support you whichever way you choose to go.

Had a bit of a plan A fail tonight. it can be so hard. at least I am getting slightly better at catching myself and stopping total damage, but I can't believe my lack of discipline in this department at times. In other areas of my life I can control myself quite well, but this stuff is such a challenge. Ugh!

Ok, time to regroup. I can't let a small failure stop me from the general plan. I have some work to do tonight.

So, I am not sure where I am at, or even what I am doing!

I feel like I may need to take a couple/few of days off work in order to commit myself to making real progress on my personal life. It just seems that I struggle to find the time and energy to do both well. Clearly in the past I have been happy to immerse myself in work, and avoid dealing with issues. Now, there is some of that (it feels good to have some positive distraction), but I feel I am at a critical point in my personal life and that I should not be "fitting it in". I may need to clear the decks and suffer the consequences (which I am sure I can recover from).

mfoss, I totally agree with Lady Longlegs. You have gone above and beyond with dealing with your foggy WW! I hear you agonize about whether your plan A is good enough, and your WW is telling- TELLING- you that she may or may not sleep with other men...but hold on 'cause she may (or may not) come back to you....talk about a fence sitting cake eater!! And I think Fred hit it on the head...STDville...

This is about YOU now, and what YOU need. I get that you need to plan your plan B, and doing a great plan A to leave a good impression when you go to plan B is a good strategy. BUT- you have to have a time limit I think. Decide how long you need to plan A and plan your plan B and then stick to it. There HAS to be a cut off point determined by YOU!

You're going to do serious harm to your mental health if you keep up with this. Plan B will get her off the fence, and protect YOU.

FWIW from a FWW.....

Thanks HTH, always good to get feedback, especially from a FWW! I love the "former" part of that.

To be clear, should recovery start, there will be multiple health checks on WW before I go near her sexually. Clearly a Plan B condition as well. I do not have a death wish!

My current thinking is to:

- get my plan B ready ASAP (making progress)
- continue to Plan A in the meantime

Once my plan B is ready, I can hit it when needed. Before then, it is academic. Right now, I am using the six month limit as my hard line, but circumstances can change that.

Oddly, I actually find Plan A to be useful in terms of challenging me to make real personal changes, and confront things I am afraid of. It is kind of like a boot camp, and while it sucks at times, I am actually making many improvements in terms of myself. If/when I plan b (which I admit is likely), it will be like taking weights off my ankles in terms of making further personal progress.

I often write down questions I have, and then try and answer them as a way to deal with things that are bothering me. Often, I am able to come up with good answers based on MB principles after some contemplation. Below are some questions and answers I am not 100% sure I have correct, appreciate your feedback:

- should I talk to family members that are close to her?
I should probably be directing my efforts to plan A efforts/ meeting ENs, improving myself as opposed to pro-actively trying to win the PR war, I should not avoid them at all, but they should not be my priority generally

- how do I express my requirement for no other men best, not as a selfish demand
probably best to avoid expressing it much, but if I have to, explain the reasons are that it is hurtful to me and the kids for her to be involved with others right now