There is nothing you can do but accept life as it is. Happiness can't be found but in each and one of us. It only depends on us.
External circumstances always change and we have to accept them but not dwell on them.
What is happening now in your life is to your advantage. You do not have to take care of a sick H who does not love you. You can make that choice.
He made his 2 months ago and decided he was going to seek happiness (what a contradiction in terms..as if happiness could be found outside of us!!!)with OW. Well now he has found his happiness and he can test OW's love. What a great opportunity to find himself and his own mortality. That should humble im up and teach him a lesson. Maybe this will be an epiphany for him and change hm into a better person.
blessing

Your decision to let your H lie in the bed he's made was the right one. You could have cried and chased him but it would not have been healthy for either of you,

He is sick, emotionally ,mentally, and now maybe physically. Nothing you did gave him the right to make the choice to lie and betray you. We can all feel sorry for him for screwing up his life but he made his choices and has to suffer the consequences. He is no longer capable of being your H not because he was an innocent victim, but because he willfully gave up the right when he violated the simple rules of honesty and integrity with someone that was supposed to be a part of yourself. He could have chosen to talk with you instead of his A.

Now you have to again deal with some tough stuff and you need a freind. A counsellor would be a great place to share these emotional burdens because your partner in life has bailed.

You will get thru it.LLL

My pastor used to say, "happiness depends on what happens"

3L:

Who else was he going to call?

His whole world is crumbling. Yes, he caused that crumbling, but he doesn't see that yet, and he may not EVER see it.

Doesn't mean that he still can't reach out to the only person that he knows is still solid.

His arteries did not start hardening six months ago. It started years and years ago. It may have been a routine physical that started this whole process for him. And the Dr. noted that more needed to be done. And they uncovered what the tests are designed to uncover. Nothing more, Nothing less. Had he gone to the Dr a month before your mother took her turn for the worst, you may have been fighting for BOTH peoples lives this past 7-8 months.

OW may have been angling for the insurnace policy, or the cash, or whatever. You don't know, and don't speculate.

However, one fact is clear. Had they rolled him into the Hospital, and things didn't go well, YOU were going to get the phone call as the one to make the decisions because, your still his wife. And you have the MPOA. You could even tell the Hospital staff that OW is toxic and shouldn't be allowed in the hospital.

And you would have done everything in your power to save this miserable persons life. And that is why he called you.

You may, or may not ever hear from him again. He may, or may not change the MPOA. All of that is beyond your control.

You may, or may not, want to slow down the divorce to insure that if he does die, you do not have OW recieving half of your assets in the next six to eight months. Think about that.

He doesn't have a shot at getting any new life insurance now. Any insurance thru his employer or that you two have funded, needs to be locked up in your name, and the beneficiary can not be changed. A 5-10 year lock-up period is appropriate if the D goes to final.

Why is all this in your head? Becasue he is your husband. And you care. Three months ago you didn't know what he was capable of. Now you do. Your still processing that. It may take you six weeks, six months, or six years. It will go at YOUR pace. This is your roller-coaster. You don't know where the hills or the valleys are until they start to happen.

Your doing well. This is a valley.

LG

I disagree. Whatever happens it is up to you to make the best out of it. You do not chose what happens to you. YOu do not chose your H having an A. You do not chose your H's illness..nor your illness.
It is the way you approach life that taps into the happiness that is inherent of every human being.
Suffering is a choice. It is linked to the incessant stream of thoughts that we so much like to dwell on.
We have a choice...welcome any thought that enters your mind, as you do not have the power to stop it, but do not dwell on it.That power you have. You can choose not to dwell, not to make mental movies of a situation.
You can chose not to be a victim. Not to identify with your victim status.
Things happen and we do not know our best interest. We do not know if an event that we now see as negative, it is not actually for a better good. We do not have a crystal ball that will predict the future for us so we really can't say that the future will actually be much better without our WS.
For some reason I tend to believe it will be much better without mine.
blessing

I agree with you atena, I think what the pastor was referring to was just waht you said. Its our concepts of happiness that screw us up sometimes. When we search for happiness as a condition of circumstances we expect we can become disapointed. We ussually are happy when things are going our way and its circumstantial to what we expect. So we can never base our happiness on circumstances because they change and are out of our control.

I think he was being somewhat retorhical if I understand what that word means and was teaching that life sometimes hands us situations that make us unhappy, but we can change our POV with introspection and good choices as we deal with circumstances

When my XWH had the heart attack, I was really confused. Do I slow down the D so that I am the beneficiary if he doesn't make it, or do I try to speed it up so that I don't get stuck with a whole bunch of medical bills and all of the debt that he was running up on OW?

In the end, he dragged the D out and tried to get support from me because of his "bad health" but the judge said no.

I ended up with the short stick because he got a big chunk of my 401K, and now is M to OW who gets the whole nest egg if he croaks.

Oh well, at least she's the one who has to take care of him.

LLL --

Your WH reached out to you in selfishness.
It was so he could fill one of his EN's off of your care and concern.

There are a couple of likely issues at play.
1. OW is not empathetic to his health issue.
2. He wanted to test the waters to see if you still cared.

Let's face it -- this issue is probably a jolt to the affair. OW is just starting her career, and is probably questioning being tied to an "old man" with heart problems. She cannot comprehend his fear. She is probably very unsympathetic and wondering what this means to HER.

I think his pouty comment about why would you care was a TEST.
And you did well with it.

OW is not in for the sex nor to have a good companioship with WH. She is in for the money and the help to have a good carreer, till she gets that she will play nice. WH health problems are an assett to OW: he will die soon or will be needy and M her. SHe will get the money.
WH is starting to see thru the fog, even if it is just a small hole in the fog...
He was probably testing to get viagra and voil� he found out that he is not much of a man any longer....
LLL, did he have those kids of problems in the M or they are just new?
blessing

ITA Aetna....

Just as in my case, the health problems are an asset for the OW. He dies, OW cashes in if they are M.

Hope your doing well.

Funny comment.. He is not much of a Man any longer.. What would be the measure of such a man anyways. If he used a ruler?

Any updates?

I'm back. Been out of town for 3 days this week and returning what seems like hundreds of business emails and phone calls today.....

I'm fine. No further word from H although I had call from my attorney who said H's lawyer contacted him to say a "proposal" for out of court division of assets agreement will be coming next week for my consideration. Hope to come to some agreement out of court so this doesn't drag out. We'll see.

Went out to dinner with several colleagues while out of town and since I hadn't seen them since our last conference, horrified them all with my tale of the last year of my life. Two others present talked of spouses who changed suddenly only to be found to be having affairs. It must be an epidemic.

My housekeeper moved into my home on Monday, which is great and I feel so good about having another human living in the house. The dogs love her and she was there with them this week and will be their "babysitter" when I travel. So things are working well on the homefront.

I'm guessing my H has somehow come to terms with his health issues and I guess he may have changed his POA, but no word on any of that and no messages, letters or emails from him. So his momentary panic over his health may be subsiding.

Your H's panic is probably subsided or he just realized you are totally done with him and there is no simpaty from your side. And rightfully so.
I do not think WS like ours have much feelings, they are simply so entitled and so cut of from themselves that whatever we imagine they ought to feel is simply what we would feel if we were them. But we are not them. They don't feel a 10th of what we imagine.
In fact if they did they would be out of the fog.
I see it this way, when the WS decides to emotionally abandon the M they are actually abandoning themselves. They become lost.
They are in a limbo. Neither happy nor sad.
blessing

Quiet weekend. Still nothing from H or attorney but should be coming this week. We'll see how flexible H is.....probably wants things HIS way...ain't going to happen without going to court. Something I'm sure he wants to avoid.

I did get info from a friend that H told a couple of people his new address....an apartment in a very nice part of town....sort of the singles loft and condo part of town. So, he's probably not liking living in OW's student digs.....much used apartments near campus.

I'm very settled in at home living with dogs and housekeeper. She's sweet and funny and its nice just to hear someone else around the house doing things. My guess is I'm under much less stress than H with all the things he's juggling.....younger OW, work, health issues, living on his own in new place.....

.....getting used to a restricted fat/sodium diet possibly, overcoming fatigue and ED from newly introduced cardiac drugs, having to say no to the little blue pill due to nitrate use. Yep
he is in for some changes, so is OW. Cardiac problems do seem to come to light in this chapter of a man's life. GF

I really am impressed with your attitude.

Hello, Vets? How normal has it been reported here that one spouse walks away and does not look bact AT ALL? Is this normal?

Wowwie.

LLL, you are great.

Barbie, I was asking the same question. I think Queenie's FWH did, but of course came back after the A ended. Seems like most try to cake-eat at least for a while.