I think I'm still having difficulty fully understanding your situation. Let me share some of my perceptions so you can correct me if I'm wrong. Keep in mind, I am writing from the POV of a mother who's son was raised by a stepdad.

From what I'm reading, your WH has 2 sons - an OC that he is the bio dad and an OC that he is the step dad. You continually refer to the older boy as "the child who is not his". But from what you describe of your WH, he treats this boy as his son as well. As he should - as he really was a step dad to this boy for a time and it would be really crappy to run out on him just because it didn't work out with his mother. I was recently in court with WXH where they enforced our agreement that he pay 1/2 of my DS's (his step son's) college tuition. There was no mention of the biodad's role in this. WXH, as a stepdad, was responsible. Your WH may not have any legal responsibilities for the child, but in his heart his is responsible nonetheless and he is meeting those responsibilities. Remember, the 2 boys are brothers.

Second, all of the deceptiveness you've decribed seems to me to be your WH sneaking aroudn behind OW's back to see his sons (well, specifically his step son). I'm not sure why OW would prevent him from seeing his stepson and I think that's pretty low and dirty, but for whatever reason she is. And I'm not sure of the role of the step son's biodad - I think I read that your WH actually picked SS up from biodad's place to take on a trip - was that correct? So SS's biodad knows about your WH and his relationship with SS, and if he objects in any way it's not enough to keep SS from a trip.

Which begs the question, what is up between WH and OW? Are they in some kind of "mortal enemy" mode right now or do you suspect their affair is ongoing? If the affair is ongoing, why is she trying to keep SS away from him? If she is in mortal enemy mode, why aren't you standing by your WH's side supporting him?

I'm reading here about a man who desperately wants to have a relationship with his kids, but he has to sneak around both on his wife and his ex. Why is that?

And by the way, I have no love for waywards so I'm pretty shocked at myself for feeling any empathy towards your WH at all. This has to be a first for me.

One last thing to Sortedsomeout: your post about loving your spouse being critical to love your children - this sentiment has been stated many times here on MB and I believe even in the books. However, how does a blended family such as this one play into this? It seems to me of Tekoa's WH's love her first/most, it would require him to abandon at least one of his sons. Even in an ordinary blended family, should the bioparent hold the spouse/stepparent ahead of their biochild? How does that benefit the children?

Good post tabby

Larry

Thanks Larry! I really hope she replies. I keep thinking I'm missing something in this whole story.

First, I can only say what my h has told me. He has been in the OC1 life since birth. I am not sure if that was for the entire time or for certain periods. When we began seeing each other again OC1 was in his life. From what I see as long as he continues doing for him the way she wants it, the OW has no problem. When we tried putting in some boundarie, she objected. The first time she got upset and decided he couldn't see him. I explained to him that I saw that as control, and it was difficult for me because it felt like the control he gave her in our first marriage.(This is from a woman's emotional point of fee. And the feelings are real) So we decide to let her know he was welcomed in our home and he could spend the night 2 days a week. I requested my husband send an email to her and her husband from the both of us. She responded with, it will be one day or none. So we went to one day. Some where that 1 day switched to 2, but I did now about it until he picked him up from school and showed up at the door. My h promised me we would keep me abreast of any changes. And we would talk about it first. He says he doesn't communicate with the OW, but how was he able to get her son when she said he could have him 1 day. The situation changes based on her feelings.

Early on when the after school care was an issue, I suggested I talk with her about it. I wanted to email her, but my h said that her h has access to her email. Immediately that said to me he didn't want her husband to know. Also, what reason would she have to tell him her h had access to her email. Toooo much deceit going on. I want everything above board.

I don't feel they are having an affair with each other. But I what I do feel is that the relationship surrounding the OC1 has the dynamics of an affair. She gets to control him through the OC1. As long as he complies everything is fine, he gets to see the OC1. Her husband is in the dark and I am in the dark about details. As I mentioned he gets the grandmother to get the boys to come to her home and he then gets them. He doesn't have to with his bio child, because of the court order. The therapist met with my h alone. But disclosed to both of us that my h was in a dangerous position, as far as the new husband is concerned. During 1 of the 2 sessions we had my h made mention of the police being at the OW home. He also stated the OW and her h relationsip was volatile. He says he gets all this info from the grandmother. Keep in mind he doesn't ever volunterr this stuff. He gives me bits and pieces when I press him.

I suggested the 4 of us sit down to discuss visitation of the OC1 and my h has not replied yet. I really don't think he wants that to happen.

To answer you question about blended family. I have not asked him to abandon his child or his stepchild. What I have asked him to do is be honest and transparent, include me in on this arrangement seeing that it effects me as well. Because he hasn't done that I feel like I'm not a priority in his life. I believe that the wife should be first in her h life. If your spouse really loves you she/he will have your interest at heart. I didn't have a problem with the OC1 being in my h life until the OC1 was used as a tool for the OW to control my h. He can never get custody of him, my mother would never allow it. Then she would loose that control.

Thanks. I'm seeing it a little clearer, though I'm still confused about a lot of it. You do have one of the most convoluted situations I have read about on these boards. In fact, that is a large part of the problem here.

Let's try to break it down a bit. IF OW was not an "OW" but a legitimate ex-wife, you as the current wife would have to deal with her and her relationship with your H as far as the kids were concerned. Some ex-wives are worse than others and many use the children as leverage for control. It's a difficult dynamic. Ask any second wife of a man with kids from the first marriage - this position sucks. But as the current wife, your duty is to support your husband. Second wives marry these men with the full understanding that they have these children and a relationship of sorts with their ex. In these situations, when you marry the man, you also marry his children AND his ex and they become integral parts of your life as well.

Now in your sitch, you aren't just a run-of-the-mill second wife and she isn't your average, everyday ex-wife. She's not even an ex-"WIFE" in the true sense. Your WH had an affair with this woman during your first marriage to him. The marriage didn't survive and, as what usually happens, neither did the affair. However, knowing that your ex-H had both a biochild and a step child with this woman, you remarried him anyway. Upon your second marriage to him, you also married the OW, the child, and the step child.

As for OWH - I don't know where he fits into it but presumably he knew about the parentage of her children. In that regard, he married your WH as well. However, his jealousy (?) is somewhat alarming in that it makes one wonder if he doesn't know something you don't. Because regardless of the relationships between all of you, your WH and OW should not be continuing their adultery. You can see whay the Harley's recommend no contact for life, can't you?

Anyway, if I were you I'd contact the OWH and find out if there is any reason for him to be suspicious. Perhaps you can flat out mediate all of this and figure a way to come to an agreement everyone can live with. I don't envy your position at all but I wish you the best.

So thats my take on it and of course its just my opinion. As to appliing to a blended family the truth is we are all connected and the same rules spiritually apply to all. We are not physically created equal but when we have the capacity to know right from wrong we are called to act on it or suffer the pain of our own deception. If Hubby is going to act like he will not stop treating his this way because he loves his kids more, than that is his choice, and blindness. It will be another long line of emotional crap tek has to go thru so he can get his particular emotional fix as superdad.
I would rather see the boys have good lives and a father than H and tek stay together if it comes right down to protecting the innocent. Funny tho, Tek is making the sacrifice also and he might paint her out to be the troublemaker because, "She just doesn't understand...boohoo".

I still think she should be his primary concern and his sneaky games are just that. games

Thanks, SSO. I fully understand this concept with respect to the original, nuclear family. What I don't understand is how (or if) it can apply to a blended famly. For one thing, the ex-spouses/parents already DO NOT LOVE one another (or don't show their love or whatever - they are divorced and living apart). So the rule has already been broken. But it's done now and one or both parents have remarried. Now the children from the original family have step-parents. This is the case for Tek, though her situation has an additional layer of complexity on top of that. But take it one layer at a time.

When Tek remarried her exH, he had 2 children from a previous relationship. (I will treat these boys equally as sons as I can't help seeing it any other way) Ergo, he must maintain a relationship of some sort with his ex. Tek knew this upon marrying him. When she married him, she married his relationship with his kids and ex as well. Now she's come back and explained how it is the manner in which her WH keeps her out of the loop with respect to dealings with the ex that upset her but initially it wasn't clear. It seemed like she was having difficulty with the amount of effort he put into seeing OC1. It was from this viewpoint that I asked how blended families could function under the "love your spouse first" rule. I'm still curious about this, however, as this doesn't specifically seem to be the problem here, perhaps it should be it's own thread.

How unfortunate that the ex in Tek's sitch is the OW from her first marriage to this man.

And I agree with you, his sneaky games are just games. There is likely more to this than even Tek knows. It is certainly reason enough to snoop and I would start with OWH who is being blamed as the bad guy by WH. This raises a flag to me - either it's true and the info has come via the grandmother or it's not and it's simply a barrier to maintain their secrecy.

Tabby,
In response to your post. I will try and shed some light so maybe you will get a better picture. You stated your perception is from the POV of a mom who's son was raised by SD. Were you married to the man who raised your child? If so, you didn't have the other dynamics that makes our relations so difficult. He and the mother were never married and they didn't live together. So I don't know what legal rights my h has as stepdad. The mother treats my h like he is the SD when it seems to be convenient for her. So I don't think he has a leg to stand on even if he considered going to court.

As far as my h sneaking around me to have a relationship with his stepson, that is something he choose to do. That started when the OW was upset because my h requested the visitation for his bio son be solidified through the courts. So in retaliation she stopped OC1 from coming to our home. He immediately refused to get his son on his days, so that forced her to allow him to get his stepson. The next week she was upset about something dealing with court and she stopped him again. I didn't know when he would be spending the night from one week to the next. So in order to have some sense of normalcy at our house concerning the time he would be here we decided to let her know he was welcomed and told her we would like to have him come on Wed and Thurs. She was upset about that and said he could only spend the one day. We accepted her demands and he promised that we would talk about any changes that would be made. Meaning if she changed her mind on a whim, we would talk about it before we give into her controlling ways. That never happened, the visitation time got changed and I was the last to know about it.
What do you do in this situation? He has no legal right to the stepson, so he has to keep the OW happy in order to spend time with him. That's a hard pill for me to swallow given the past relationship. What do you do to stop this behavior? In a bio dad situation you go through the courts. It's not like they were ever married to each other.

As far as the bio dad is concerned, I'm not sure about that relationship. What I do know is that he lives in another state and not a big part of his life. He has other children to his present wife and one of the children is the same age as my h OC1. So it looks like this child was born to a married man as well. Or maybe both women had children by him the same time and he married the other woman. (this whole thing is a mess)

The current husband has been in the OW life for at least 6 years I know, because they have a 5 yr old together. I know the OC1 calls him his stepdad. He tells the other children that he has a real dad and 2 stepdads. (how confusing this must be for him) Last week he even asked me how was I related to his mother. Because all of the children call each other cousins. I told him he would have to ask his mother.

To address you statement about putting your wife first, this is strictly biblical. Consider this, a couple have children and the wife is constantly putting the needs of the children before her husband. The husband will eventually start complaining. The husband doesn't ask the wife to abandon the child. But what he does want her to do is strengthen the bond between the spouses by taking care of his needs. When the wife does not hear the husband's cry for attention he will resort to other tactics to get her attention. Without a strong bond between the husband and wife the children suffer. So if my h goes to great lengths to keep me as an outsider as far as it concerns the OC1, how do you think I am going to react. We don't have any issues around his bio son, because she can't use him to control my h. The only issue I take is when my h refuses to get his bio son on the days he is supposed to get him, because he can't get his stepson.

Teo:

Well, I think you have outlined a situation where one of Harley's methods would be handy. In fact, I would seriously encourage you to go to the top of this page and click on basic concepts, followed by reading ALL of them.

You will be amazed, or you should be

One of those basic concepts is the policy of Joint Agreement, often outlined on this forum as POJA. Here is the start of what Harley has to say. There is more, which you can find at the link.
_________________

The Policy of Joint Agreement


When in the state of Intimacy, both spouses want the other to be happy, and neither spouse wants to see the other hurt. In the state of Conflict, both spouses want to be happy and neither wants to see themselves hurt. Actually, both objectives are important, and that's why I created a negotiating rule to achieve those important objectives regardless of the state of mind spouses happen to be in. I call it the Policy of Joint Agreement -- it takes the best from the advice of both our Giver and our Taker.

The Policy of Joint Agreement also avoids the worst advice of our Giver and Taker. In the state of Intimacy, we are encouraged by our Giver to sacrifice our own happiness so that the other person can be happy. In the state of Conflict, we are encouraged by our Taker to let our spouses sacrifice so that we can be happy. Neither of these are worthy objectives because in both cases someone gets hurt.

In marriage, your interests and your spouses interests should be considered simultaneously. One of you should not suffer for the benefit of the other, even willingly, because when either of you suffer, one is gaining at the other's expense. If you both care about each other, you will not let the other suffer so that you can have what you want. When you are willing to let the other sacrifice for you, you are momentarily lapsing into a state of selfishness that must somehow be corrected before damage is done. The Policy of Joint Agreement provides that correction.

Before I tell you what the Policy of Joint Agreement is, I want to warn you that when you read it for the first time you may think I'm crazy to be suggesting such a rule. But the more you think about it, and the more you follow it in your marriage, the more you will recognize it as the breakthrough you need in the logjam that the Giver and Taker create in marriage.

The Policy of Joint Agreement

Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. [Larry note: This means negotiation and COMPROMISE]

When you follow this policy, your Giver likes the part of it that requires your spouse to be in enthusiastic agreement about every decision you make, and your Taker likes the part that requires you to be in enthusiastic agreement. But the Giver will think that you're being selfish when you don't do whatever it takes to make your spouse happy, and your Taker will think you are just plain dumb to let your spouse's lack of "enthusiasm" prevent you from doing whatever makes you happy. Yet, if you follow this rule, it will prevent you from giving so much that it hurts you, or taking so much that you hurt your spouse. It forces you into the balance you need in marriage to create and sustain a compatible lifestyle and the feeling of love.

This rule teaches couples to become thoughtful and sensitive to each other's feelings when they don't feel like it. If both spouses follow this policy, they avoid all the Love Busters because they won't mutually agree to anything that hurts one of them. Demands, disrespect and anger are eliminated because even negotiating strategy must be mutually agreed to, and no one likes to be the recipient of abuse. Annoying behavior is eliminated because if one spouse finds any behavior or activity of the other annoying, according to the policy, it cannot be done. It even eliminates dishonesty, because a lie is certainly not something that you would agree to enthusiastically. It helps plug up the holes in the sieve of the Love Bank that cause most couples to drift into loveless incompatibility.

It also forces couples to negotiate fairly. The Policy itself prevents either spouse from making unilateral decisions about anything, so they must discuss every decision they make before action can be taken. Demands are out of the question, because they are not made to create enthusiastic agreement -- they are made to force one spouse to lose so that the other can gain. The same can be said for Disrespectful Judgments and Angry Outbursts. What role do any of those Love Busters have in a discussion where the goal is enthusiastic agreement? In their place, each spouse learns to make requests and express opinions, showing respect for the other spouse's opinions. The sheer folly and stupidity of demands, disrespect and anger are vividly demonstrated when a mutually enthusiastic agreement is your goal.

Successful negotiation in marriage creates a solution to every problem that benefits both spouses and doesn't hurt either of them. The Policy of Joint Agreement forces a couple to find those solutions. None of the states of mind in marriage encourage them to do that, so they need this rule to override their instincts that prevent successful negotiation.
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Read more at the link. . . Please!

Larry

After you digest POJA, let me know and I will pull a suggestion out of somewhere to get your hubby on board.

Larry

Thanks again for your further explanation. I realize your situation is far more complex than a simply dealing with a first wife and stepchild - which is complicated enough on his own. Yes, I was married to my son's stepdad and it does make a difference legally. However, from the POV of the children involved, it's not so cut and dried. Your H's OC1 obviously thinks of your H as a stepdad and, though the courts may not agree, you have to take this into consideration when deciding what the "right" thing to do is. His mother, the OW, is clearly lacking basic morals and it's not his fault he was born to her. I feel very bad for both children.

I think you should follow Larry's advice and learn about POJA. It also wouldn't hurt to snoop a little and make sure the motivation behind your H's sneaking around is due to OW's manipulation rather than a renewal of the affair.

Again, I wish you the best. You are not on an easy road no matter what happens.

Thanks for all of you guys thoughts on my dilemma. I have printed out some of the material from the site and shared it with my husband. I mentioned to him earlier about the site, but he hasn't accessed it yet. I printed a copy of the EN questionaire and asked him to complete it. I hope he doesn't do with it the same thing he does with other stuff I suggest he read. ONe of the things I expressed to him was that all 4 of us meet. He has not responded, but I have not put a time frame to that request. I was able to get the new h phone number out of my husband's stepson cell phone. A little sidebar (his bio dad got him a cellphone for his 12th birthday, but his stepdad(mom's husband, recently got him one to replace the one his bio dad bought him. He had my h's number in the old phone as dad, but in this phone he has it by his name. Last week when he was over he didn't have his phone. He said that his stepdad had it programming it. I'm sure his stepdad saw my h's number in there numerous times, because he would call him everyday while at school to make sure he was coming to the school. To me I see there must be somewhat of a problem for the OW h. So if the 4 of us don't meet, I will consider calling him. I don't want to be the one causing problems for OC1 with his mother's h.

Mr prayer is that my h will follow the advise on MB so we can fully restore our marriage the right way. I have realized that I have not recovered from the affair. Now he must accept that and do all that he can to help me in the process. And at the same time he needs recovery as well. I am reading SAA and I will suggest that he read it as well.

In closing, I want to share with all of you following my postings, I am a registered mediator in the state where I live. I have mediated several cases at my church. The most fullfilling ones with married couples. This is my passion and I want to do it on a regular basis. I took some time away to deal with my own stuff. All the things I learned went out the window when I had to deal with my stuff.(that's the way it usually is) This has been an opportunity for me to learn about MB so I can share it with others.

Again, thanks to all of you. This doesn't mean I am leaving the site. But I want to get well and whole so I can begin helping others. I will keep you all posted. You have made me feel like we are family.

Hey.. I said that too..

Lol but yeah Poja and being completely honest , if sought will bring out many personal misconceptions that effect the marriage. Also what many ppl overlook too is, we can allow truth and balance to seep in as we shatter the chains we put ourselves in.

Tek

Hey, good thing I didn't try to make you mad so you would open up more. . .


Harley's methods are getting traction in the marriage counseling business because they work. A MB retreat is indicated if you want help of that quality and so you can learn to help others. Get his latest book on marriage counseling.

Don't leave this forum, fugetabout the "But" you want to. . .

Larry

Hey Larry, I am committed to this site. It has helped me tremendously. I actually was gettiing concerned that you'll took a while to reply to my last post.

I agree that his relationship with the boys seems to be his feeling of his only self worth. There was an incident when we were disagreeing (which so far the only disgreements we have had has been surrounding this) and he was out of control and yelled and said that all he had was the boys, and he felt like he was loosing them, his whole world has been them and that has been the only thing that has gotten him through his hard times. Now keep in mind I wasn't asking him to abandon them, only put them in afterschool care. They are not possessions. And if he felt that way about his bio, why refuse to get him when the mother refuses to allow him to get OC1.

I do agree my husband needs counseling for his issues separate from our marriage issues. He was not the greatest father to his first child nor was he a great stepfather to my children the first time around. I think in his mind he is trying to make up for that.


When I requested for him to do certain things for accountability purposes he gets very upset. There has been times when I stated that he can only do as much as OM allows him, because he has no legal rights. He literally gets enraged. He has responded that she has nothing to do with whether he can get his son. He also has said that she has nothing to do with this. How can you leave his mother out when you have no legal rights.

I am ordering the MB course for now and will consider the seminar. I have printed out the material on POJA and we are supposed to go over some stuff this evening. I'll let you know how it goes. We can't get to deep, because he has gotten out of control when I have tried(not physical, but verbally). So I will save that for our counseling session.

If he feels as if you are there to HELP him deal with the boys and not as a point of obstruction, he will be putty.

I didn't do such a hot job of father the first time around and yes, I am determined to do better THIS time. Guilt.

I looked at my old car this morning. It has a lot of miles on it and I could trade it in. I decided to keep on fixing it up.

Larry

Larry

I don't have a problem helping him with the boys. I have done that from the time we decided to reunite. For the past 2 school cycle, when I went shopping for my nephew I bought schools supplies and uniforms for all the boys. There has been times when I bought just for his stepson, because he is growing faster than the other boys. I sought out camp and other activities last summer. I do all the cooking, so when he is over I cook for him as well. We both do their laundry. I help them with homework, whenever he picks them up from afterschool early. So I do all the things a mother should do. Well as much as I am permitted to do given the situation.

But I think what you are missing is that it is very difficult for me emotionally when there is so much deception surrounding his stepson. I've asked that the 4 of us sit down so we can at least try and be on the same page; he hasn't responded yet. I ask that I speak with the OM, he says I'm not ready for that yet. I ask that she only call him on the house phone unless it is an emergency; he says I can't make her.(he did send an email asking her to do that) I suggested that I send her an email; he stated her husband has access to her email. (He should see it, I didn't mean for the email to be private!) I see it that he feels that any contact with OM h would mess up the arrangement he has going.(which includes no accountability)

Tell me your take on this. Several weeks ago he picked up his bio son from school on his regular day. He did not get his stepson. She changed that the last time she was upset about whatever. She called me on my cell (she was given my cell number when we took the boys on a cruise last year. My Husband's phone does not work out of the country. And she wanted a way to contact us if needed. I was informed about this after it was done. But I didn't have a problem with it. It would have been nice to at least inform me before he did it(POJA). I could tell in her voice she was upset. She wanted to know where my h was because she tried reaching him on his cell, but he didn't answer. The first thing I did was remind her of our request to call him on the house phone. She then preceded to tell me that she went to the school to pick up the boys and was informed by the administration that her son's cousin(she is 13 and attended that school for 4 years) picked up my h bio son. She didn't know who this cousin was. Well, let me explain something. First of all, she picked up her other son. He was at the school when his brother was picked up so he knew who picked up his brother. All (5) of the children in our house call each other cousins (their own choice) The administration knows all of us very well. They know the dynamics of our present family structure as well. So if she asked who picked him up, I'm sure they told her that his cousin came in the building to get her son, but either I or his dad was waiting out in the car. We do this often when we don't feel like getting out of the car. They have a camera so when so one drives up to pick up their child they can see the car. None the less, her son would have told her who picked him up. She began saying that she needed to speak with my h, because he was not going to mess up her schedule. She stated that her household has a schedule at home and she was not going to allow him to alter that whenever he chooses to. Which I do agree. I can only imagine what she told her husband when she got home. I told her I would have him call her from the house phone when he got in the house.

My take on this is, that she did not know he was getting his son that day, because for the past several weeks he didn't get him on the days he couldn't get the other son. She was not informed of that. I guess she would find out when she got to the school to pick them up. I think he is using his bio son to control her and she is using the other son to control him. Bottom line, I don't like the control at all because it is a painful reminder. Along with the attempts at controlling comes deception, dishonesty and lies. Which lacks accountability.

My take is simple. Everyone needs to act in the best interest of the kid(s) and communicate effectively. That begins with a list of what is in the best interest of the kid(s). He/they is a kid. The list should be based on the best interest of the kid(s), not the adults.

By all means, start the list and have husband add to it. This simple act places you both on the same page and acting in a cooperative way. And that is a very good thing. As time goes on, acting together will become a habit and lead to good results. Well, IMHO.

I think your heart is in the right place and that is a good start. I wasn't always convinced of that before. I also think that your husband's heart is in the right place. He obviously does not have the people skills in this case for that to be obvious with the way he is managing his communication and that is a lack of skill, not a bad guy thing.

You have read POJA. Nice stuff that. Keep reading. Look at love busters as well. All of us could use LB education, right?

Keep doing. I see a big difference between when you first arrived and now in the way you frame things and that is a very good thing, IMHO.

If I didn't respond to every point, forgive me and ask again. Helps to vent and have someone respond, eh?

Larry

Larry, I think one of the things that you are seriously missing is that she holds the key. Because of the legal limitations, we can only do for her son as much as she allow us. So doens't have to agree to anything as far as the OC1 is concerned.

So my question to you, do we continue playing her game the way she wants us to play it for the sake of continuing a relationshiop that she may not want continued. There has been times when my husband let it out that the way he got access to his stepson was through the grandmother. (the mother was supposedly unaware) Normally when things like this happen you take the controlling party to court. Can't do that in this case. So do we continue down the road of deceit and dishonesty? And that keeps a rift in our marriage.

I like what you said about the two of us getting on the same page. I did give him a list of what I to help me feel secure in this emotionally. (accountability stuff) And I asked him to write down what he wanted to happen and what he needed. That was a week ago he hasn't responded.

As far as communicating, he doesn't have a problem with that. What I think he has a probelm with is his feelling that any communication may hurt his chances of getting his stepson on the days he wants him. According to him, his arrangement was never a problem. She called him whenever she needed him to get the boys and he was there. One day, before we got remarried, I went to visit him at his place and he had both the boys and there little brother. He said she asked him to keep their brother so she could have some time to her self. I expressed my concern that she was using him and I thought it was a bad idea. His replay was that he wasn't going to alienate the boys from their brother. They lived 15 min. away not across country and they see him every week. So how was not watching him going to alienate them from their brother?

You mentioned about my husband's emotional needs getting covered. I would like to know when are my emotional needs going to be considered and covered? I would like to think that because I was greatly injured emotionally by the decision they both made to have this affair, I would be the one that at least my husband would make efforts to insure I am ok in this emotionally. I truly don't or can't expect her to do that. It wasn't like she was a friend of mine before the affair. And I don't think she is mature enough to even consider it. So I will not wait on it. If it happens thats a plus and another deposit in in my healing bank.

We talked last night and I had the opportunity to share some of the stuff from the site that I printed off. I also shared with him that I never healed from the affair. The affair came to the surface on the day of our 5th anniversary; and she was pregnant. He moved out to his own place within weeks. Even though it's been over 10 years, I never healed because I didn't deal with it, I just tucked it away in the back of my mind. And thought I would never have to deal with this.

My husband agreed to at least doing the course. Although I'm not sure if we should do the online instead of the home study course. The weekend is probably the best of the three, but I would like to get started ASAP. He also agreed to read SAA, so he can get a better understanding of what I'm dealing with.

Thank you'll again for allowing me to vent; and sharing your perspectives on my dilemma with me.

TEK

It looks like he is trying to get with the program. I do have a concern:


The way you put it, that is a love buster, IMHO. Go read about love busters. IMHO, he didn't mind being used.

I gotta go to the store. I replied because I know you wait to see what someone might say after your post.

Later.

Larry