Ever had a day like this, you just sit and think. These queestions puzzels me everyday. How did we get here? How did I end up in this situation? How did I allow my H to put us in this situation?

Married 26 years, 4 beautiful kids and grandkids. We've traveled all over the world, Las Vegas, California, Hawaii, Utah, Iowa, Chicago, Mexico, Canada, just to name a FEW. We've cruised all over the place. We've been at the bottom, and we rose to the top "together". We went from nothing to whatever we want or need. Then all of a sudden "BOOM" here comes DDay.

What happen? How? Why didn't I see this coming? All of these years invested? What in the world was he thinking? I know he'll never leave me. How does a good God fearing man, a good family man, a good caring man turn in to this stranger?

If I'm dreaming, will someone please, please wake me up.

Nearly every day! Put him through grad school, waited 11 years to have kids, have done 95% of the parenting so he can have as much time as he needs to pursue his career...and then BAM! As soon as we reach the goal, the summit, he pushes me off in favor of a newer model. A nasty, selfish little b*tch who delights in my misery and will move on to the next one once he's taken her as far as he can.

Why didn't I see it? Because I TRUSTED him...

Yes I do wonder and ask the question of myself
here is the answer get:

There is no magic and mystery to love and happy M. Its like gardening, the flowers look great when you first plant them and then if you stop watering or only focus on the thorns or are too busy tending to other things and dont care about the plants they will wither.
You start paying attention to the plant, watering it fertilizing it and giving it sunlight once again its miracously healthy and flowering again.( assuming ofcouse you have not neglected it until the roots have died)

Humans by naure are selfish and come with a built in self preservation instinct. Since I was no longer watering my H's plant his self preservation kicked in and since he did not want to wither away he found a new gardner, some one who was more than happy to feed his thirst. He did not care if he was sucking the nutrition meant for some one else or trampling over my roots and cutting off my nutrition.

Now I know to make sure I am watering his plant he knows to make sure to water mine and we both know that if our plant is starting to feel neglected we need to yell loudly and continue to yell

until the other one hears it and fetches us the nutrition we need.

Yep, we trusted them. Isn't that what marriage is suppose to be all about? You trust someone, help them, support them, be there for them and then once they "arrive", it's like you get dropped for a new model.

The OW was younger, but he always told me I was much prettier then her, she even admitted to that. But my thing is, where was she when he didn't have anyone else? Where was she these past 26 years when we went through the pains and struggles of life? Now she shows up and want to reap the benefits of all of my hard work? I don't think so, she will never, ever have my life.

She really wanted to be me, but she doesn't know what it cost to be me either.

wannamoveforward, I thought I was tending to his every need. But, I guess I wasn't. Sad thing is, the affair happen during the months of July and August. I didn't find out till September 1. I didn't find out who she was till November 9. By the time I found out it was someone I knew, I can't even remember what happen in July and August. As far as I could tell, things were fine. Evidently, they were not. Now I will pay close attention, after 26 years, you do tend to take each other for granted. So maybe that's what happen. But I always prided myself on having a successful marriage. He told me it had nothing to do with me, but in my opinion, it had everything to do with me.

Ditto all the above. Couldn't have said it better myself.

Was tending to needs, nuturing, TRUSTING, would have bet my life H would NEVER have cheated.

Then BAM.........a stupid, drunken encounter and someone else gave my H his firstborn and now for the REST of MY LIFE I have to live with the fact that someone else gave my H what he wanted most and that I am (presently) unable to conceive. NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Never, ever saw this detour in my happily ever after...

I have to say I feel the same way, I thought I was paying attention, I thought we had a good marriage, I thought he was my best friend, I trusted him 110%.
Now I am 9 weeks post D-day and will probably be divorced in 2-3 months.
Its very hard not to blame yourself.

((((migsamac))))

My heart goes out to you. I am sorry that your WH's drunken encounter has resulted in and OC.

Sometimes life just isn't fair. It's like you live and find the love of your life. You dedicate you blood, sweat and tears to having a successful marriage, then your dreams are shattered. Just not fair!

I got where I am because a) I did not do my part to keep my WW in love with me (50% of the marriage) and b) because WW didn't do her part to remain faithful to her vows (100% of the affair).

...all that and also she couldn't handle the snooping and the exposure...I believe the words "controlling" and "unstable" were used recently...

It is still shocking to me after 1.5 years. Less than 2 months into the A, got the I am not happy speech.

I thought he was having a nervous breakdown. Never thought he would ever cheat. He was ethical and had integrity.

I know my M was not perfect. We took each other for granted, We let life, kids, job, whatever get in the way of my M.

He rewrote 22 years of M by saying there was no love involved, he traveled for work to get away from, he stayed for the kids; anything to justify the A.

I said we were M and it was adultery. Now he is planning on Marrying the OW pig.

Some days I just scratch my head and can't believe it..still

LOL

I know how I got here.

I had his children and became mama bear totally into caring for them and he didn't let me know he was missing my attention. Never ever communicated that to me.

Then, after each child, I got less cute and young and then

after the last child, there were a few deaths in his family bam, bam, bam and

well

that is when he started cheating with a person at work.

Dating and _ _ _ _ ing someone is something he chose to do vs communicating his interior world with me.

So, there you go!

Still trying to process everything. Some good days, some bad. Like 26 years, I'm still trying to figure out how we got here. If he was unhappy, why didn't he open his mouth and tell me??

I wondered this very thing yesterday, as my WH and I sat across from each other in court listening to the judge decide our children's visitation and temporary orders in our DIVORCE HEARING. How did we get here??? Is this some kind of bad dream?

I wonder this very thing as I wake up in the middle of the night (2-3 am) reeling from the pain and sometimes unable to catch my breath because it hurts so bad.

I wonder this very thing as I look back and wonder just how much of my marriage has been a complete lie. (I still don't know who OW is (yet) or how long the affair has been going on).

I wonder this very thing as I desperately try to figure out how it is that my WH was the one that got to make all of these monumental, life-altering decisions for all of us, without my consent. And he has made them while being under the influence of his rancid affair.

I know the consequences will come for him (they will, right?), but right now it sure feels like my kids and I are the only ones paying the price for it all.

Yeah, how DID we get here?

My answer is somewhat like gnirlos' I was paying attention to the wrong things and blindly trusted WH. I wasn't meeting his top ENs and WH didn't do his part to remain faithful and protect our M by having good boundaries.

Honestly I wasn't fulfilled in our M pre-A just as much as WH wasn't. I too was/am vulnerable to have an A. The only difference is that I protect our M by placing strong boundaries around what I will and will not do or talk about with a person of the opposite sex.

Kind of on the same note as your OP. Now that I am armed with knoweledge of MB. When I see persons' of the opposite sex here at work going to lunch alone together often and etc. I say in my head I wonder if they know they are on a slippery slop to adultery or I wonder if they are having an A. There's a few "couples" here at work that go to lunch together or work out during their break daily. Pre-A and MB I would think nothing of it because they act like "friends" but now, I wonder if they or their spouse will one day wonder "How did we get here?"

Mine did , I just did not want to hear it or did not want to believe it. I was sure I was right and I was giving my M all I had EXCEPT you dont realise how all the baggage you carry in life affects how you feel and hence act.
Post A my world was shook up so much that it forced me to deal with all the issues that we bury away and dont even realise that we have burried them.
I am learning to live a more authetic life with myself and be more open and vocal about who I am what I need and what is bothering me.
Along with that I also am learning to LISTEN and not immediately be defensive about my role in creating a Happy M environment and the bulk of that IMO is achieved thru O&H communication minus the LB's.
I agree completely the earlier poster that I got here beacuse 50% I did not participate fully in ensuring that my M was happy and healthy and 100% beacuse my H choose the easy escape of an A rather than find better healthier alternatives to obtain the happiness we are all seeking.

I must add that pre A I did believe that I was participating in my M and we were happy and healthy. Its only in hindsight that I realise where we both dropped the ball.

I am thankful that the A and MB and the recovery process healing that given us a second chance at happiness and I plan on taking advantge of that every single day.

You're right - it takes two to tango. I was wrapped up in kids, my business, running the house, etc., and did not attend to his emotional needs. Now he won't let me. Am trying to create a more open, less hostile atmosphere...

I also felt blindsided on D-Day but I now realize that it wasn't an overnight downfall. It was more like a slight down slope that was hardly noticeable until we found ourselves rock bottom. We were not adequately meeting each other's ENs. This created an environment that made us vulnerable to an A. Unfortunately, her boundaries were not strong enough to withstand the temptation to have OM meet her needs.

Steve Harley made an analogy that sort of explains how a person we thought had strong boundaries can commit adultery. It's the anecdote of the frog slowly being boiled alive. If a frog is thrown into boiling water, it will jump right out to save its live. However, if it is placed in cold water that is gradually heated, it will not perceive the danger and will be cooked to death.

--ElCamino72

I am here for the same reasons and was thinking this very question internally until I saw the thread title. Today is or would be my 14th Anniversary. WW is still in online EA and has filed on Friday. I retained my lawyer yesterday.

And now I am also asking myself how did we get here? For me, it all comes down to what gnirlos posted.

I have been looking at this thread and I am sorry to say that I feel no responsibility for my H choice to have a second A (as far as I know he had 2, but he might have had more...)
He constantly blamed me for his unhappiness and we had the unfortunate thing of having had a MC who blamed me and said I did not leave my H enough space...and that I kept dwelling on the past and what he did to me etc...
That made H more entitled.
I know everyone is hardwired for an A however I read that the tendency to have A is genetic. I was unhappy in my M for a long time but never had an A...
I think serial cheaters have it in them...not all WS are serial cheaters, bt for ex. my H is. I think that even if I was mother Teresa he woul have found an excuse to cheat on me and to welcome the advances of OWs.
He is simply addicted to the feeling of romantic love and the passion that comes with it. Even if short lived. He will not change. Not for now.
blessing