We live in a no fault D state so it doesn't really matter he can't use it against me. Do you think there is any truth to me daitng helping him figure things out or is he just blow smoke up my you know what?

He is gaslighting you. He wants to justify his affair. And he wants to be able to point to you and say you are doing it too.

1) He's already having an affair, and it's already physical.

2) He's having an affair with his boss' daughter, and it's been going on for some time.

3) She got divorced to be with your husband, and she's probably putting pressure on him to live up to his part of the bargain and leave you.

4) Get proof of the affair, and start exposing. Exposure at your WH's work will be a HUGE deterrent for this affair. That is why you need proof. Otherwise you'll be portrayed as the crazy, jealous wife.

5) Call up OWxH. He might know about their affair. It might be why he got a divorce, he just didn't tell you. Take a day off work and follow your WH or hire a PI. Sure, it won't help you in a divorce hearing in a no fault state, but it will help keep you from getting divorced if you can get info and expose the affair.

6) Exposure will KILL this affair. He knows it, that's why he's trying to move out and start the process before you find out the truth to make his affair seem "legitimate." Your #1 priority should be getting proof and getting this affair exposed at your WH's work. Do not be denied. There is always a way to find the truth. Your husband isn't that good at covering his tracks. Do whatever it takes to find out the truth - PI, GPS, spying software, searching his car for his affair phone, etc. Your name is Bulldog31, be a bulldog, and don't rest until you have the truth.

BD, here is what is going on. He is having an affair with his coworker. He is or is planning on telling everybody that you and him have decided to go your separate ways because you are very unhappy. You have both agreed to see other people.

This sets the stage for him to introduce his OW to the scene. "BD and I agreed to split up and see other people and I have met the nicest woman at work!! I am so happy!"

And since, hopefully, you will be seeing other people as he has requested, [and are even keeping him informed so he can use that intel!] no one can blame him because he can say "bulldog is seeing some new guy too!!"

This way, no one can hold him accountable for the REAL STORY, which is: MR BULLDOG ABANDONED HIS WIFE FOR AN ADULTEROUS AFFAIR.

His plan helps him avoid accountability and helps him destroy your marriage. But you can interfere with the destruction of your marriage if you get the INTEL and expose the affair. That will ruin the affair and is the most likely to save your marriage. But, you must get the intel.

This bears repeating and highlighting.

I am still trying to get the info on the OW and am not going to date please pray for me as my WH is very confused. Should I still have him move out because he said that if I want him to stay in the house during the process of the divorce he will because he dreads not seeing his kids day in and day out. Sometimes I think it would be better for him to leave to give himself a reality check.

BD, has he filed for divorce yet?

I wouldn't want him to move out until you have found proof of the affair and then exposed.

Does he expect you to endure his open adultery while he does this?

If he does move out, then you need to file for at least legal separation and get him relegated to an every other weekend dad as well as child and spousal support deducted directly from his paycheck. That might be enough to jolt him from his plans.

no he is going to move out for two weeks and then file for divorce if he still feels its the right thing to do.

WH is moving out tomorrow. Boy this sucks how do people get through this. I am trying to get him to commit to visitation schedule and he is skirting the issu. Today I scheduled an appointment w a marriage C for monday told him that I was hoping and praying he would come back to me and that I would hope for that until the day the judge signs the papers he got really quiet and eneded our conversation rather quick after that. He did tell the kids on monday that he was moving out for a month or two while we try to work on the marriage and that regardless of what we decide he will be back at least until the D is final! STRESSFUL!!!!

Your marriage is going down the tubes while you sit and watch. Please, please get busy spying - quit listening to his lies, and DO SOMETHING. Let the OW's husband know about your suspicions, expose hubby at work, and STOP pretending that there is no affair.

I am a WW myself and knowing the mentality of someone having an affair---he is not thinking straight at this moment in time. You need to intervene as the others on this board have said if you want to save your marriage.

For one, do not let him move out and have him stay in the home even if he continues to file for D. Make it hard for him to continue this A. Also, it will probably upset the OW and make their relationship a little sour. Secondly, you should step up the spying and obtain some legit proof of this affair---don't feel guilty about snooping. If there was nothing to hide, then he would have no problem with you going through the information. I know because I am a WW and I threw the exact SAME argument to my BH prior to exposure.

Lastly, while your husband is at home---try to make the home life as pleasant as possible---try not to argue, dress yourself up a bit, do all the things that make him happy. Your H needs a full dose of everything that he is leaving behind to continue this affair. It will make him re-think his actions and make the A life less appealing.

Good luck to you.

BD, you are letting him steer the boat here. You need to stop that. Listen to everyone here. Not ONE THING you have said has not been heard here countless times.

Do you really want to save your marriage?

Then pull your head out of the sand. Reign in your fear. Your husband has left the premises and there is an alien in his body. This alien is NOT the husband you know and you should NOT deal with him like your husband.

You are now at war.

You are not at war with your husband or even the alien in his body. That alien is just a placeholder.

You are at war against the affair.

Marriage Builders has some tried-and-true battle tactics that you can use to win this war. But you have to stock the arsenal. You have to bring the right weapons to the battle.

1. DO NOT let him move out of the home. All you are doing is enabling the affair.

2. REFUSE to engage in Divorce talk. You do not want to date, you want to save the marriage. You do not want to talk separation logistics, you want to save the marriage.

3. Find out who the OW is. It might not be the co-worker..she could be a ruse (probably not, but you have to consider all the alternatives).

4. Find out how they are communicating. If it's the OW at work, they are likely communicating outside the office too. Affair partners are in that drug of infatuation and only seeing each other/talking to each other at the office is not enough. He's probably using a throw-away phone. Try to find it.

5. Snoop, snoop, snoop. Keylogger on his computer. Check bank statements and credit card receipts. VAR in the car.

Once you have proof of the affair (it's there, believe me), then come back and learn how to expose.

Chihuahua31...Errrrr....I mean, Bulldog31

Are you willing to do anything anyone has advised you?


Go Tech!

I am snooping and following. Just bought a VAR I am trying to figure out how to get it in his truck w/out him knowing since he is not living in the house. The good news he is actually staying where he said he was. I havebeen by the OW house several times at different times and he has not been there. I have driven around the block to make sure that he hasn't hidden his car. Maybe the VAR will help catch him. Yes I am willing to everything and anything to save this marriage!!

Well I haven't written in a while. I haven't found anything snooping he is not staying at her house, I haven't gotten anything from the VAR and nothing on his cell phone. He is going to individual counseling to try and help him figure out what he wants. He says he loves me but does not think that he can be the man I need and that I deserve better than him. He is right I do deserve better than what he is giving me but I want it from him. I am having a really hard time since he moved out. All we can seem to talk about is whats going on with us so I am sure I am not depositing anything into his LB. Hos do I put aside my feelings to try to recapture what we had by making deposits into his LB?

I have followed him on lunch and watched him he leave he usually goes by himself or with a couple of the guys from work when he does go. I am not sure how else to get evidence on the affair especially since he has moved out. Sgould i keep with plan a or just go to plan b since he has moved out and is so unsure about what he wants>

Find his credit card statements. There is a wealth of knowledge there. If it's a joint account and you also have a card in your possession, call the 1-800 number on the back. Then follow the voice commands. You'll need to enter the card number and the billing address zip code. Then click into recent transactions. It's updated daily. Some companies provide the merchant and the expense amount.

Check his checking account, too. Run a credit report on the both of you. Find passwords for his on-line accounts.

If he files, you will need ammo. Get busy!