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**edit**
Last edited by Fireproof; 03/14/10 06:36 PM. Reason: TOS - argumentative
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Me to Believer. I got lots I could say to her. BTW, HI! I'm back  Larry
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**EDIT**
STOP!!
Last edited by Fireproof; 03/14/10 06:50 PM. Reason: TOS reposting edited post
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Stop disrupting this thread! If you have a concern that a poster has been driven off the board, then send your evidence to the moderators and let us handle it. That is our job.
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Hopefully the first time poster will continue getting advice here. Prayers for her marriage.
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Ok so I am the one that had the affair in our relationship. THankfully, it is over and has been for over 4 years now. I chose to cutt it off completely, no contact of any sort with this other person. Our marriage is better but there are still some issues. I love singing and come in contact w/men in that field (church related) and have been asked to sing by them during diff events. My hus always has issues with me doing it. He says it brings back memories. I have not attraction to these men, I love my husband wholeheartedly. I feel he uses the affair as a crutch to keep me home doing nothing. He does what he wants all the time, even if i dissagree. Is that fair? Please give your honest opinion here. Thanks I'm a newbie, but I was wondering if you have read the basic concepts here on this site. Have you read the book "Surviving an Affair"? Do you actually "never " get to do anything? Would your hubby be willing to accompany you to practices? It seems like he doesn't trust you. Think of how much hurt you put him through you strayed and had you ENs met by another man. Are you two in MC?
So much peeling...where am I under all this peeling? Yoo-hoo, are you in there...nothing yet.
Me FWW 30
BH 37
DD 2006
Daughter 7
Son 2
Trying to make amends for the huge mess I made.(If you knew Hubby you'd know what I mean by try)
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livingtolove, Welcome to MB! For the sake of your M I hope that you stick around and come back to post. You can learn here first hand how to protect your M from further adultery, help your BH heal and how to make him feel safe in M, rather than the fear he sounds like he is feeling now. I would tell him to go straight to hell. I wouldn't let some MAN tell me what to do. You are a grown woman, you don't need his permission! This very first post to you, is not helpful to your BH, you or your M. If you have repeated this to him, please apologize and tell him that this is the furthest thing from care and protection of him. One of the goals of R after infidelity is to restore the M to one that is affair-proofed, changing the environment that allowed the A to happen in the first place. This means that you would not be singing in a choir with men. This is one of the consequences of your selfish and thoughtless act within your M, and is considered just compensation towards healing the assault towards your BH. My hus always has issues with me doing it. He says it brings back memories. I have not attraction to these men, I love my husband wholeheartedly. I feel he uses the affair as a crutch to keep me home doing nothing. He does what he wants all the time, even if i dissagree. You mention that he says it brings back memories. Another goal of R is to protect your BH from reliving the devastation that he feels from your A. This takes time for a BS, and this can never happen if the WS does not take precautions to eliminate situations that recreate these fears. The turmoil from the A may be over for you, it is clearly not for your BH. You feel that he is using your A as a crutch, since you are not in his position, this is an unfair judgement regarding how he feels. It will be useful to you to read some BS's threads, to get a better understanding of the damage that happens to someone who is betrayed. Dr. Harley on Infidelity You may feel that you are doing all the necessary precautions after an A, the fact that your BH still feels unsafe, says that there is more that you need to do to help him. Marriage can be restored after an A, and it can be restored to a better M. Continue to read on this site, the articles, the threads and consider a MB weekend seminar. The goal is for both you and your BH to be romantically in love with each other, this really is possible through care and protection, and for now, this begins with you working your side of this in your M. Note to Melody ..... Mel, you know MB very well, since the post I quoted was not followed up with something, anything that contraindicated what you said, I gotta wonder if everything is okay with you at the moment.
M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA
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Our marriage is better but there are still some issues. I love singing and come in contact w/men in that field (church related) and have been asked to sing by them during diff events. My hus always has issues with me doing it. He says it brings back memories. I have not attraction to these men, I love my husband wholeheartedly. I feel he uses the affair as a crutch to keep me home doing nothing. He does what he wants all the time, even if i dissagree. Is that fair? Please give your honest opinion here. Thanks Well, I was waiting to hear LTL�s response to my post, but since she hasn�t come back yet, I had better correct my advice. Yes, that was terrible advice and you would be crazy to follow it. I was hoping to shock you into the realization that you are a grown woman and acting as if you need permission from your husband to do something is a tactic to avoid accountability for your choices. The problem is that you are creating triggers in your marriage with your behavior in church. The solution is NOT to continue it, but to stop doing anything that makes your husband unhappy. It doesn�t matter if you think his feelings are relevant or not, what matters is his happiness. If your behavior makes him unhappy, it needs to stop, and vice versa. And more importantly, I would implore you to recover your marriage using these concepts. The solution to a marriage wrecked by an affair is to a) affair proof it and b) implement the Basic concepts of Marriage Builders to create a ROMANTIC MARRIAGE. That is the solution. The most helpful books for your situation would be: Surviving an Affair, His Needs, Her Needs and Lovebusters along with the workbook. You might also send your husband here so we can help him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I suspect your marriage never recovered from your affair. Here is a basic outline of what it will take from Requirements for Recovery: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well, perhaps I am truly recovering personally from this whole trauma. The e-mail coorespondance that Mel posted with Dr H was from me and I read it today without going back to the devastaion and despair that I was in when I wrote it.
The first time that it was posted here, I felt so violated that I threw up. It had never occured to me that it would be published and the pain that the publication caused me overwhelmed me and did not allow me to see how much it could help others in my position. I remember posting a response to it once but I have no idea what I said.
This is the first time that I have ever read it without that pain. PTL for personal growth. I hope that LTL comes back for help and support.
God's Blessings,
Say
Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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{{{{{{{{{[[[[[[saynomore}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I am so sorry you went through that. But very happy you feel better today. When I post from that newsletter, I only post Dr Harley's words, not yours. Even so, I am sorry I caused you pain.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My FWH caused me pain, Mel. The e-mail just triggered it. No apology neccesary. I feel like an MB grown up today. God's Blessings, Say
Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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My FWH caused me pain, Mel. The e-mail just triggered it. No apology neccesary. I feel like an MB grown up today. God's Blessings, Say
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My hus always has issues with me doing it. He says it brings back memories.
If you do something you KNOW will harm your husband, you are completely lacking in empathy.
I have not attraction to these men, I love my husband wholeheartedly.  I feel he uses the affair as a crutch to keep me home doing nothing.  *THUD* He does what he wants all the time, even if i dissagree. Is that fair? Please give your honest opinion here.
You need to read the Harley concepts, buy the books.
Start learning how to care for each other WITHOUT KEEPING SCORE No problem.
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