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There is a difference in valuing an apology and wanting or expecting one. OK. I'm game. What is the difference?
Can the difference (what you are about to say) be applied equally to other values? Like, fidelity for instance?
Would you say the following:
"There is a difference in valuing fidelity and wanting or expecting fidelity."
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I did VALUE the fact that he made the apology even though I did not EXPECT the apology.
I agree with you in the fact that I would make my children apologize for stealing something or for hurting someone in anyway shape or form. And I do EXPECT them to apologize for it. I am not so sure I VALUE it as much though because it was something that I MADE them do or EXPECTED them to do.
I VALUED it more that my h made the apology without the EXPECTATION of it.
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I did VALUE the fact that he made the apology even though I did not EXPECT the apology.
I agree with you in the fact that I would make my children apologize for stealing something or for hurting someone in anyway shape or form. And I do EXPECT them to apologize for it. I am not so sure I VALUE it as much though because it was something that I MADE them do or EXPECTED them to do.
I VALUED it more that my h made the apology without the EXPECTATION of it. There is conflict in your response.
Why don't you think about this for a few days, and post again? Think about yourself. Your own experiences. Not your H. Think about your self-expectations. Think about what you require from yourself. And why you require things of yourself.
I think that is probably the best way for you to approach this.
Thanks.
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I am not sure what you are asking and i am not sure that i have a conflict in my response.
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I am not sure what you are asking and i am not sure that i have a conflict in my response. OK. Never mind.
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How would you feel if you could not apologize? I would feel like I got my just reward. Like my punishment would be to forever carry the burden of hurting someone and not being able to make amends. Not that an apology in itself will make it right, but it would give me a chance to let someone know that they are not irrelevant. An apology in the sense you are using seems like it is for the person who is doing the apology. To build character. And maybe it does, but an apology to me is to lessen the pain of someone who has been violated, the apologee, so to speak. To not apologize means you still care so little for others that you don't care how your actions hurt others. Or that you are so self-centered that you can't see past your own nose to how your actions affect other peoples lives and families. And some people really don't care. But maybe it is a process, first the actions then the feelings. I like how Mel said that when she first started apologizing she really didn't care that much, but then grew to care and want to make amends. Some people do value the appearance of looking like a good person more than actually being a good person. Just like some people value the appearance of looking rich more than actually being rich, as in people who use credit to put in granite counter tops and marble tile floors, when they don't have the money. I used to be like that, until I realized it was way better to be rich than to look like you are rich. What changed it for me, was someone pointing it out to me. I started look at my finances and saw I owed more than I had. And when I started changing this, and saw that I was beginning to have more than I owed, it felt pretty dang good. Now it is a part of who I am. Is that a good analogy? OT: Hi Mrs. W. Mel, why yes, yes I do! I'm the facebook deactivation queen! My daughter says I don't get FB, and she is right! LOL Faith, I did the letter apology once and couldn't mail it because I don't know where she went. It helped me at the time, of course it did nothing for her, obviously. Your sitch is different, but I think (now) for me I was really apologizing to God. I needed *me* to feel better, yes, but I also needed to really examine my actions at the time I injured someone else. I needed to really think about it and what might have meant to her and her life.
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My husband apologized to me about something he did that really hurt me. I didn't believe him and said that words don't mean anything. I wanted actions.
Well, since then he has done no actions.
I probably should have just accepted his apology with grace, and maybe the actions would have followed.
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apology to me is to lessen the pain of someone who has been violated, the apologee, so to speak. That would be a definite bonus !
However, it's also something we have no control over. The other person's emotional response/reaction to our apology is not within our ability to control/manage/predict. Therefore, in my opinion, we begin with a different purpose. Doing something because it is the right thing to do.
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God, I'm such a hypocrite. I sit here and say how important being able to apologize to someone is to me, but then when someone apologizes to me I don't trust it, or accept it.
I just realized this. I don't grant my husband the basic goodness of allowing him to apologize.
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God, I'm such a hypocrite. I sit here and say how important being able to apologize to someone is to me, but then when someone apologizes to me I don't trust it, or accept it.
I just realized this. I don't grant my husband the basic goodness of allowing him to apologize. I love you so much Weaver !
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Right back atcha, Pep.
Thanks for this thread.
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Right back atcha, Pep.
Thanks for this thread. What I value about YOU, is your willingness to "go there". Dig deeper. Search out new areas. You are an inspiration ! Truly, you are.
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To not apologize means you still care so little for others that you don't care how your actions hurt others. Maybe. Sometimes.
Another possibility for avoiding an apology ~~~> an aversion to conflict. Something I notice with frequency on this site. An honest apology actually means honest engagement with another person. It means being OPEN to whatever reaction they might have to your apology.
Conflict avoiders resist any honest engagement if they think it will upset the apple cart.
To such people, a peaceful falsehood is preferable to truthful/honest conflict.
This usually just means ~~~> more hell-to-pay down the road.
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Where did all these damn cookies come from? the trunk of my car........------> Not off to finish delivery..... BTW, I misunderstood the intent of this thread when I posted.....sorry about that
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SEE HOW EASY AN APOLOGY CAN BE? Accepted. With cookie bonus, of course.
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Ya know, growing up ( and actually still today), whenever my sister and I would get into a fight, my dad would come and talk to us. He would tell whoever started it to apologize for whatever the offense was. Then he would talk to the offendee and see if they had done anything wrong, even if they weren't the instigater. He would then tell us that we needed to apologize for our part. Of course, *I* never liked this part. But he would tell me, "Not, you may not have started this and may have only been 10% in the wrong if this problem, but you still need to apologize for your 10%......." He still tells us this stuff today. AND he follows his beliefs with actions......He always apologizes whenever he hurts someone..... My Daddy is a wise man.....
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He always apologizes whenever he hurts someone..... My Daddy is a wise man..... And all the BIGGER MAN, in your eyes. (I love this story. Thanks)
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But he would tell me, "Not, you may not have started this and may have only been 10% in the wrong in this problem, but you still need to apologize for your 10%......." Indeed !
And I bet your Daddy would never allow you to avoid an apology you owed because someone ELSE was not asked to apologize for the same/similar offense.
"So-and-so got away without an apology. Why should I apologize?"
I mean, really?
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And I bet your Daddy would never allow you to avoid an apology you owed because someone ELSE was not asked to apologize for the same/similar offense Truthfully, I really can't remember but probably not. Now, as adult, he will STILL call us whenever there is discontent in the family to give us the "90/10" lecture, as we Luke to call it...... He likes to remind us the keep our side of the street clean.... Glad you like the story. I thought you might enjoy it..... Not2fun
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Truthfully, I really can't remember but probably not. pssssssssst
I was hoping other eyes might read this
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