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I've been trying to play it nice. I don't visit my family too frequently, I just found out this week that my wife is hurt every time I go see my family. Up until recently, she had been encouraging me to see them and take our children to see them regularly. The status quo changed. It was a real shock to me. We can't agree on this subject right now. I told her that since we can't agree, I will DO NOTHING until we agree. I will not see my family. That is the policy of joint agreement. This is temporary. When our marriage is more recovered, we will be able to come to a new agreement that I don't feel any resentment over. Do nothing without an enthusiastic agreement from your spouse. If your husband isn't enthusiastic about you seeing your family, then you aren't following Marriage Builders principles when you see them, and seeing them at ALL is "too frequently." You don't decide how frequently is too frequently ... you let him say that.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Oh yeah, I physically attacked FWH on d-day as well and dropped more than a number of f-bombs...and I don't cuss either, DH hates it. But he "took it" as well. I think he knew he deserved it.
Affair recovery is crazy-making in and of itself...add in there a un-remorseful FWS who doesn't "get" how triggers affect the BS and you have a mess on your hands.
Still no excuse for this behavior....however, I DO want Rizos to see how HER actions are provoking her BH to craziness. She CAN help him avoid being triggered/going crazy by NOT doing things he has explicitly told her he does not like.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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I know it won't help him recover, and I haven't tell him yet. That's when I decided to ask for some advice. Both LB's are in negative right now, and nothing seem to help. He doesn't seem to care for affection, or SF. He only wants IC and Open and Honesty. I try to start intimate conversations, but I don"t really know what he wants to talk about. He's not even sure, and right now he's just standing still. He doesn't care about what to talk about. He wants you to stop straightening your hair and seeing your family so much. He's kindly let you know this... Why don't you make an appointment with Steve yourself and see if he can help you come up with a plan to restore your husband's enthusiasm?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I just found out this week that my wife is hurt every time I go see my family. Up until recently, she had been encouraging me to see them and take our children to see them regularly. The status quo changed. It was a real shock to me. We can't agree on this subject right now. Dr. H writes about this exact situation in a case study in his new book "Effective Marriage Counseling" and this is the correct way of handling it...to do NOTHING until an enthusiastic agreement could be agreed upon.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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Specially because, even thought the OM is out of my mind and life for good, Did you tell him you spoke to the POSOM for comfort last September? I still don't love my BH. Have you respectfully told your husband that you feel like your love bank is empty? I do ask him how he feels ALL the time, but he is the one that is not been honest with me. Have you told him you called the other man for comfort last September? I'm tired of asking him what's wrong, and how he feels and getting a shallow response. I think busting the hair dryer was a deeper response than you think. MB is two ways, not just one sided. I'm sure he feels the same way.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Here is something that bothers me about this thread. rizos Registered: 11/03/09 Posts: 13 ElCamino Registered: 10/26/09 Posts: 96 Which one is more engaged in recovery? Rizos posts and gets a tsunami of responses. In her post, she is all over the place - flight talk, I don't love him talk, divorce talk, blowing the issue waaaaay up into the sky and all over the place. She is afraid, and it isn't ElCamino taking a hammer to the blow dryer. It is something else. A dozen posts happen. She reads and responds to a few who agree with her or who she respects. Then it's over. A dozen or more posts happen and no response. Honesty: Yea, there is a problem there and it took me about 10 minutes of reading to figure it out. I am not saying what it is because that isn't for me to say at this point. But I get it. That said, I believe exactly as ElCamino believes, there is an element of dishonesty going on and in my opinion, in spite of the best efforts of Steve, until rizos comes clean, the marriage is likely to continue to have major difficulties. Perhaps others here who know more than me can get me straight on this point. I normally don't post on threads (except in cheerleader mode) where the Harley center is involved for obvious reasons. I am making an exception in this case because I read this: What really upsets me is that when we are following the MB plan, we both seem happy and then out of nowhere, his actually not. He is not been sincere, and this keeps repeating all over again. We call Steve, get energize again and end up in the same way. To make matters worst he doesn't tell me how he wants me to be open and honest. I'm kind of confuse there. Then we see: I kept trying to take care of him, but nothing seem to work and I've got fed up. Shake and bake recovery. Blame ElCamino. Wants it now or flight. I am not impressed, especially in the same paragraph she talks about screwing up but doesn't really own the screw up. There IS a lack of honesty. I see it. I get it. ElCamino hasn't adequately explained it to her, she says. Well maybe. To make matters worst he doesn't tell me how he wants me to be open and honest. I'm kind of confuse there. I am not confused at all. If she really wants to know, I can tell her if she asks. On the other hand, if they are going to Steve, it is out of line for me to comment anymore. Finally, I could tell her that some of the best responses happen sometimes right away and sometimes a day or so later, if she is still reading. Larry
Last edited by _Larry_; 03/11/10 12:29 PM. Reason: clarify
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I've been trying to play it nice. I don't visit my family too frequently, I only straighten my hair once a month(I'll stop this one). I tell him what I'm doing, or where I am. I show him affection, send him msg's asking him how he's doing, etc. I ask him how he is doing when he comes home, I give him a big kiss every morning before he leaves for work. Nothing seems to work. I guess I have to try harder, If you make frequent love bank deposits, it doesn't help if you keep making love bank withdrawals. If there's a big hole in a bucket, you can never fill it. You're engaging in Independent Behavior ("I'll straighten my hair even though he would rather I not") and Disrespectful Judgments ("Straightening my hair was no big deal so why did he get so mad? It's not like I chemically straightened it." "He's wrong for trying to use an excuse to get what he wants about my hair." "He's wrong for thinking I see my family too much.") And you may be engaging in Dishonesty if you haven't told your husband that you called the other man for comfort last September. With all those holes, you can't fill his love bank. Marriage Builders isn't working because you're not following these principles exactly.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Rizo, your husband has been through a traumatic shock that is as traumatic as the death of a child or RAPE. Except that you did this on purpose to him. It will take much longer than SEVEN SHORT MONTHS for him to recover. 5 or 6, given that the last contact was in September.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Here is something that bothers me about this thread.
rizos
Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 13
ElCamino
Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 96
Which one is more engaged in recovery?
Rizos posts and gets a tsunami of responses. In her post, she is all over the place - flight talk, I don't love him talk, divorce talk, blowing the issue waaaaay up into the sky and all over the place. She is afraid, and it isn't ElCamino taking a hammer to the blow dryer. It is something else.
A dozen posts happen. She reads and responds to a few who agree with her or who she respects.
Then it's over. A dozen or more posts happen and no response. Ya lost me Larry. 
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Here is something that bothers me about this thread.
rizos
Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 13
ElCamino
Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 96
Which one is more engaged in recovery?
Rizos posts and gets a tsunami of responses. In her post, she is all over the place - flight talk, I don't love him talk, divorce talk, blowing the issue waaaaay up into the sky and all over the place. She is afraid, and it isn't ElCamino taking a hammer to the blow dryer. It is something else.
A dozen posts happen. She reads and responds to a few who agree with her or who she respects.
Then it's over. A dozen or more posts happen and no response. Ya lost me Larry. Sorry. I said as much as I could. I am threading as lightly as I can through a minefield with her and because Steve is involved. Read the operative sentence: "Which one is more engaged in recovery?" Look at the post record. Then read the rest. Larry
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I'd say EC is more engaged in R. Anyway...I mainly meant that I don't see the post count being a big indicator. The words and attitude say enough to me.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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right now I really think that getting a divorce is the only answer.
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right now I really think that getting a divorce is the only answer. I've got really angry with my BH and decided to call OM for comfort.
What I see, right off the bat .... you run away from conflict.
Problem ? .... Call OM.
Problem? .... Divorce!
Where are the rest of your coping skills?
Where are the rest of your creative solutions which do NOT damage your marriage?
Put on your "big girl panties" and learn how to deal with the conflicts in your marriage without threatening divorce, or running to an escape/fantasy man.
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You certainly suffer from a lack of ideas! 
Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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In case you missed this Pep - Rizos' 1st post: I'm a WS who needs help trying to meet my husband(Elcamino72) Open, honesty and intimate conversation #1 EN's. I had an affair for a year and a half with my husband business partner who happened to be one of my previous boyfriends(no one new about this previous relationship).
I've always been a very private and independent person. I don't know how to be open and honest, or how to start and intimate conversation w/ my husband. I'm not sure what is he expecting! I ask him what does he really need, but he is not clear, and I'm desperate. I really want to learn how to meet his needs.
I don't like to hurt people feelings, so I guess that's in part why I'm not honest. I've always played nice, and try at all costs to avoid confrontation. My family avoided confrontation too, and I don't tell people, not even family and friends about my feelings. It's really very hard for me to express them. I understand my husband need' and I really would like to meet it, but I just don't know what to do!!!
I would really appreciate if anyone can give me advice, Have fun.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Even your thread title ...He thinks I'm wrong, and I think he's wrong!!!
Are you looking for ways to be happily married?
Are you looking for tools to create a win-win solution?
Or, are you looking to find out who is right, who is wrong, who wins, who loses?
BE MORE CREATIVE THAN THIS
Until both of you find win-win ways to solve your issues in marriage ... you both lose the beauty of your marriage.
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I would really appreciate if anyone can give me advice,
POLICY OF JOINT AGREEMENT
This is the same advice I gave your husband.
POJA is not "easy".
POJA is not "quick".
POJA will frustrate for awhile.
But, POJA will save your marital butts!
So, do not become lazy, or whine "it's not working" ... it takes dedication and it takes practice.
So, study up, woman!
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Girls have to grow up and become women when they start having children.
Larry
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I agree about triggering and the hair thing, but does anyone else think it's troubling that
1. He used a HAMMER to DESTROY a hairdryer. Kinda scary
2. He wants to use the MB principles- but not really. He wants her to use them (and she absolutely should) but he's not O&H about how he's feeling. Either he's on board or he's not
Now, everyone has setbacks and no one does MB perfectly all the time, and he has been traumatized. I just worry about the (possible) double standard and the somewhat violent reaction..... I tend to think that breaking a hairdryer is a lot less scary, violent, and devastating than having your world broken apart and destroyed by your spouse's affair.
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I tend to think that breaking a hairdryer is a lot less scary, violent, and devastating than having your world broken apart and destroyed by your spouse's affair. WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BUILDERS PRISCA
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