No not kidding myself. Only realized the attraction the other night, hence the reason "I ran for the hills".


Ohio, have to be separated for 1 year before you can file for divorce, there are some extenuating circumstances to that law, drunkeness, drug use, physical abuse, adultery. Not sure if an emotional affair would be considered adultery in a court of law though. Talking to an attorney next week to get my ducks in a row if we do end up going down the D path. Can file for disolution of the marriage, but then we both have to agree on the terms of the divorce....don't know if that will happen or not.

Don't really know what my motives are, other than being open and honest with her. Really didn't think of trying to guilt her. I all ready know that making her feel guilty just makes her angry. Not that I've intentionally made her feel guilty, except when talking about DD.

I can understand why I shouldn't be talking to another woman about my marital problems. That's basically what got my WW where she is now. Also the reason why, "ran for the hills" the other day. I recognized what was happening, probably from everything I've read on this site and the books, and didn't want it to go any further. Hence I have no contact with her.

Tresmal, please listen.

I'm just a little more than a month away from being able to file a final decree of divorce.

There have been a few women I have found attractive during the time WW and I have been separated (with NO CONTACT between us), and I have resisted any urge to "get to know them better."

Not only am I still a legally married man, but I'm also a very "wounded" man at that, and it would be unkind (to say the least) to inflict my current state of mind on someone else. To do so would be very much like what I imagine WW and OM did to one another. I shudder to think I could be lumped into the same category.

The way I look at it is that if any of these women are supposed to be in my future, they will still be there when my time to get back into the "dating pool" arrives. In the mean time, I am focusing on work, taking some classes, doing some travel, and learning how to be a whole, healthy person without someone else being part of who defines me.

Thanks Fred. Believe me, I'm of the same thinking. I know that I am still married and I would never do anything to break those vows. I was just explaining that there was an attraction to this other woman, but that I made the decision to not explore it any further. I realized it when I saw her last week, we talked briefly (there was someone else there, actually alot of someone elses), and I realized all of a sudden that there was some minute attraction (nothing strong mind you). It was then I excused myself from the conversation and went and sat down with some other co-workers (male). I know I am in no state of mind to persue any kind of relationship right now. I'm still fighting for my marriage (though I feel like I'm losing). Guess I was just asking the question if anyone else had been there.

On another note.... She just texted me a little while ago asking if what my mother thought of her. As nicely as I could I told her that I can't speak for my mom, as I never asked her how she felt. If she wanted to know, then call and ask. I know, I know. Should have avoided the question all together. I can't seem to stop myself from answering her questions as truthful as I can, or inquiring why she's asking. I'm starting to think more and more it's time for plan B, 'cause almost every time I talk to her I ended hurting myself somehow (emotionally, not physically). I'm starting to tell myself things like "I can't do this anymore." and "I'm tired of it all.". Sometimes I just don't feel like it's worth fighting for my marriage anymore, though at the same time I know if I continue fighting for my marriage and do it right this time, then things will be better than ever..... I'm just soo tired though.

Had to bite my tongue last night, almost made it bleed.....

WW says "My decisions are being made solely on me and how I feel."

Sooooo wanted to tell her how selfish that sounded, but I didn't. Just moved on...

Funny she was pissed at me yesterday, because I told her when she left that I would not be able to support her financially and that she would be responsible for her car payment and some other bills that are hers alone. She got her last paycheck, and it was nearly what she thought it was going to be, so she came up with this story, saying the only reason I wasn't making her car payment, was because I wanted her to that she needed me financially.

In a sense, she kinda of right as I know that is one of the EN's. But in reality, I can't afford it, plus why would I support her for walking out on our marriage? Not being a door mat anymore. She wanted 2 months to figure out what she wanted, screw that, it shouldn't take 2 months. Either you love me or you don't. If you do, you come back to the marriage and we fix our problems, if you don't then go our separate ways.

This says it all. You do not have to finance her A. Financing your M is another story. She has to realize that she can't have everything flow her way. It's called reality.

HERE!!! HERE!!!

That's what I've been trying to tell her. She just won't listen.

Tresmal,
Let me see if I can recap your sitch... After a year of not meeting her EN's due to your state of depression your ww had or is having an EA with a 19 yr old kid in another state with whom (its probable) she has never met face to face. She moved out.

Then over the last few months she has been having severe medical problems and has a chronic medical condition and due to all the stress she has chosen to seek some refuge with her parents.

Is that about it? If so please explain again why are you contemplating divorce? She isn't in another man's apartment right? She isn't in the 19 yr olds state even right?

I just don't see the reason for not doing a great plan A for the woman whom you married and promised to be with through thick and thin. But maybe I forgot some of your story?

All right, time to go to Plan B I guess.

Reasoning....

1. I don't believe she has broken off contact (still has him on facebook and AIM)
2. Believe she was talking to him on the house phone after I went to sleep at night, when she was still in the house.
3. OM is in college and it's spring break.
4. She told me last night that she moved into her parent's house, though her parents are in the transition of moving into a condo and not living at the house. Her reasoning, her friends daughter got sick and her doctor told her to stay out of the house for 48 hours (WW has cystic fibrosis). Yet she says she not moving back to her friend's until Saturday. Just too much of a coincidence here.

Trying to get a hold of her Dad now to let him know what's going on, he's a very devout catholic and has been on my side this entire time. Going to ask him to stay at the house with her. He told me before they left that if OM came he would put him on a plane right back to CT.

Correct.


Partially correct. She is not staying with her parents, she's been staying at a friends house down there who has supported relationship with OM.


Not really sure I'm contemplating divorce, just covering my a$$ in case it goes that route. She's not in OM's apartment, but I believe he is on his way down there for a few days (see previous post). OM lives in CT she is in OK.


I have been trying to Plan A her, but she thinks I'm smothering her when in reality I holding back. I talk to her almost every day, either via IM or on the phone, but the conversations are short because I'm staying away from relationship talk. I don't know what to talk about with her other than asking her how her day is going, talking about DD and my day.

Talk about a book you're reading, an old song you heard on the radio, a funny thing you saw while playing in the park with your kid, about what you cooked for dinner and how successful (or not) the effort was. Ask her what she thinks about you planting tulips in a certain spot, or painting the kitchen and what color/theme she'd like. Ask if they have ladybug infestations this time of year in OK, if the trees are blooming, what her favorite flower is and why, what is her favorite season, her favorite seafood.

You can do an internet search for "conversation starters" and come up with a million ideas.

She thinks you're smothering her because she's still in contact with OM. Ignore what she says. Focus on your Plan A until you feel your love starting to die, then go immediately into Plan B.


Good job on calling her Dad. I bet she won't appreciate a chaperone! hahahaha

Double post. Go me.

Texted her brother, he's going to talk to her. He's in AR so he can't go chaperone, but at least he might be able to put her on the right path.

Heh, I've tried some of that and she just brushes it off... Like, I asked her about painting the halls in the house a different color. She gave me a strange look and said "ummm...OK, I don't know what color to paint them. It doesn't matter to me.". Talking to her is like pulling teeth, I ask questions and she gives me short one sentence answers. Never goes into details about anything. Won't open up to me in any way (understandable), but even the simplest of subjects she won't really talk to me about.

Let me guess most of what she says is Whatever, I dont care, yeah, no, your smothering me, or your just acting jealous. Does it often sound like you are the dad talking to a teenage girl?

She is trying not to like you, by blocking you. This is totally expected. I have no idea how long this block happens, but you just have to ignore it and stick with your plan. How long do you think you can put up with this block?

Lol....That's it exactly, I was talking to my mom the other day and I told her I feel like I'm talking to DD. I know she's trying not to "like" me. I've seen her fighting it for the last couple months when we've gone out on dates or she comes over to the house. It's different now, because I don't see her anymore with her in OK now. I do know she told her brother that she still loves me, but she won't say it to me. She keeps putting up the walls.

Honestly I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with the blocking. It's starting to take a toll on the preverbial love bank, which by the way she thinks is a stupid idea (no surprise there). I think it's a little corny too, but it is a good representation of the concept. I'm seriously starting to consider Plan B, before anything else is lost

Tres,
I guess this is kinda my point. Its one thing if 19 yr old from CT shows up to visit her in OK. Of course snoop and confirm this.

But let me ask you what is the worst you have had to endure from your ww?? She moved out and talked to OM on phone and FB?

Over 6 months, my fww was jumping OM every chance she could while I was working 8-5. . But thats my grief, back to you

What is she doing that is sooo terrible that she deserves desertion, plan B and divorce?

And as I said before if you have reached the end of your emotional rope by all means stick to your plan your timetables and next step BUT as it was said before you are still married, you still want to uphold your vows so why not continue to do a great plan A? Many times I have advised BSs to treat a WS as sick and in need of care, love and patience. In your case ww is really sick (besides other things) so maybe you can find some patience for your lost wife.

Something else to remember is that an unhappy ww cannot see any other options besides what society in general gives us which is seperation and divorce. You need to give her another choice: "Spouse, I have been learning about a new program on how to have a great marriage. Would you look at it with me?" A great plan A is necessary for this to work so she can see you, your home and a new better marriage as a soft place to land.

Nowhere else could I have ever found the strength to make it thru my hell time except for the inspiration from God's word (patience, grace, forgiveness, and love) and Dr. Harley (how to love). Those things provided me the with the alternative actions I needed. Society, friends, family were all saying get out, don't suffer anymore, don't let her do this to you, etc.

When your ww looks around at her options of continuing an (historically) unsatisfying marriage or making a change, she wants the change. But she can only see one route to making that change which is seperation, divorce, new relationship w/OM, maybe new marriage. See she wants the end result: a new better great marriage. But she can't see the program that you know about (MBers) that will take the place of sep, D, NR w/OM, and ultimately lead to new great marriage with you. Give her the alternative. Demonstrate it to her for her with a great plan A. Be inspired to be great. Hard road yes but big rewards for you and her and family.

Talked to her, he's not coming down. Just having trust issues, and her vagueness and secrecy about things just makes my mind wander into the bad places. Her brother also asked her, and believes her due to other things she said (don't know what she said, but I trust him).


That and she's told me she doesn't love me anymore (though this changes from day to day), that she's in love with OM. She's not sure if we can fix our marriage. She can't get over some of the things I've done. But the real thing here is that she has changed, 6 months ago before OM, she would have been more than willing to take the time to work on our marriage, now she's walking away from it.


Well she deserted me, I'm not deserting her. Plan B, well I'm getting to my emotional breaking point. I feel like I'm losing the love that I have for her. The last few days, I've been kinda numb so to speak and I'm not sure that's healthy for me. Divorce, I don't really believe in divorce. However, she has brought it up on a few occassions, so while I don't believe in, if she files, I can't stop it. So, I'm covering my [censored] as much as possible if this heads down the divorce path. i.e. Making sure I'm not doing anything that would be deemed as abandonment, protecting my personal property (i.e. trust fund).


Agree, I'm still married and I intend to uphold the vows I took. Like I said before I don't believe in divorce. Continuing the Plan A is difficult at times, as I'm sure you all know. I'm doing my best, but I've always tended to be a fairly closed off person, I'm working on it, but really getting close to her is difficult when she's pushing me away and I'm being careful about what I say/do.


Tried the whole program thing, even took her down to a marriage workshop by Family Dynamics, who use Dr. Harley's concepts. Bought DR. Harley's books too, but she wants nothing to do with them, "I don't believe in any of that crap." she says.


I'm in the same boat. This site has been a great help. I've also taken new look at faith life and found new life there as well. I've been praying, reading the bible, going to church more often and talking with my priest.


I've made so many change over the last several months. Changes that she admits she's seen and likes. Said this while talking to our priest a couple weeks ago. But the priest and her used the following analogy, we're two cars going down the road, I'm doing 90MPH but she's only doing 5MPH as far as fixing our marriage. She's not ready to put her foot down on the gas, and I'm having a hard time putting on the breaks. Think its patience thing, I'm so ready to start a new life with WW and I want it to start now, but she doesn't and it kinda hard for me.



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Its hard for her to work on a marriage while she is still having an Affair. If you don't beleive in divorce then I guess you'll have to muster up and wait the affair out. It does get tough, wears you thin, and you begin to question if it is really worth it. Someday she may want to work on the marriage as much as you, but you still have to work on your own time tables here, not hers.

In the meantime at least you know that you are changing to be a better person. This dung will fertilize you! A refiners fire I guess.