Had a bit of a break down last night. For no reason really, just got really angry about everything and paced around the house yelling at a non-existant WW (she wasn't here, was at the hotel). Ended up having a few coctails and went to bed. I feel like complete crap now, drank too much too fast. Plus I'm not much of a drinker anyway (funny 'cause I use to be a bartender).

Think the thing I was most angry about, is the fact that she still has not shown any remorse for what she did. The comments she makes are selfish and as much as I want to tell her how selfish and hypocritical she is, I'm still working on Plan A. I think I just let things build up and I finally popped last night. Just glad she wasn't around to witness it.

Well actually had a good counseling session (if that's what you want to call it) today with the WW. MC really didn't say too much this time, my wife and I just talked about how things were, where they were going and my concerns of her plan to move back into the house. MC interjected a few times, but for the first time in a long time WW and I actually talked, no yelling or fighting, just really talking about how we each felt.

Needless to say she will be moving back into the house next week, but she will be staying in the guest room for the time being. This was actually my idea, though she brought it up as well. She is coming back to really work on the marriage, and for the first time since this all started I actually believed her.

So I guess we'll see how things go from here.

AWESOME! This is a major step, Tresmal. Just keep in mind that although she will be back under the same roof, she is going to have times of fog, anger, and overall waywardness.

But I'm delighted to read the news!

ITA with Fred.
A huge step.
Not the end of the bad times, mind you... but a HUGE step.
Congrats.

I agree it's a big step. First it help instill a little trust, not a lot mind you, but with her in the hotel I just felt like she was always hiding something from me and that she was just using me to get the rest of her surgery done. With her moving into the house, as well as some of the other things we talked about it makes me believe that she really does want to work on the marriage. Right now one of the biggest things we have to work on is the trust issues. But yeah, she still is in the fog and I realize that, so I'm just going to keep on with Plan A for now and hopefully this workshop next weekend will do a lot of good. Basically the workshop boils down to about 22 hours (almost 6 months) of marriage counseling in one weekend. I like the fact that they use a lot of Harley's concepts in the program as well. He just makes a lot of sense to me, WW on the other hand isn't much of a reader so getting her to read the books is kinda difficult as she gets bored with them to easily.

Anyway, I'll keep y'all updated on things are going. Thanks for all the support, you guys and gals have been great. The brutal honesty y'all have sometimes really helps. I'll be around often with updates and questions.

This won't work for everyone, Tresmal, but I'll toss it out there as a suggestion: The two of you sit down together for an hour or so (plan the time ahead, mutually) and then YOU READ THE BOOK ALOUD.

My WW used to like to have me read to her. She said I had a very nice, soothing voice (in my earlier years people told me I should be in radio. Hey, I have the face for it! ).

Not only will this get you both involved in the reading, but it also is shared time together -- UA, in MB terminology!

Yeah I was thinking the same thing. I think that was the intent of the workshop, they sent us 1 copy each of Fall in Love Stay in Love and 7 Principles of Happy Marriage (can't remember the exact title). I figured their idea was that we read them together seeing they only gave us one copy. Kinda hard to do with her in the hotel, but once she moves back to the house, this is something I had planned on doing with HNHN and LB.

Well got back from the New Beginnings workshop @ 3am this morning. Overall the workshop was really good. Part lecture seminar, part "break out sessions", and part homework.

The lectures were nice, because while the speaker was giving the lecture it was a small enough group to keep the lectures interactive, it wasn't just him speaking he involved all the couples in the lecture. A lot of good information was presented, including a lot of Dr. Harley's and Gottman's ideas/principles.

I think the "break out sessions" were the biggest help. Basically we broke out into two groups of couples. They would have 4 - 5 questions posted in the back of the room and each person would get up and answer the questions. Questions ranged from "So far what do think was the most important lesson learned during the workshop?" to "What can you do now to make deposits in your spouse's love bank?" to "How committed are you now to saving your marriage?".

During the entire weekend they stressed that anything you say is to be about you, not your spouse. It was nice because it kind of forced you to into yourself and what you could do to improve your marriage.

The best part was that you were able to see that your not alone, that there are others going through exactly the same thing you were. Now not all the couples were dealing with infidelity, but it was surprising that many were and that age had nothing to do with a marriage in trouble.

Over the weekend not, only did I see a change in my wife and myself, but other couples made dramatic changes. I can't go into details, because everything is confidential, but there was one couple where one spouse on day one made it very clear that they wanted nothing to do with the marriage any more, by the end of the weekend, that spouse had done almost a complete 180 (I'd say probably 150), but the change in attitude was amazing.

I think the workshop was worth every penny and would reccommend it to anyone who's marriage is in crisis, it will show you that the problems aren't all one sided, and how you can rebuild. The tools provided are great and to be used continuously after the workshop. I'll keep you posted as we begin to use these tools in our marriage. If any one wants has any questions, please feel free to PM, e-mail or drop a post in this thread, I'd be happy to answer any questions.

Having a really bad day today. I don't know why, I just feel like she'll never let go of OM. WW won't open up to me and I feel like she's not even trying to save our marriage. I feel like the only reason she moved back into the house, was because she was pressured to do so.

I'm so confused, because I don't want to let my marriage go, but at the same time I don't want to live like this either.

I liked it better when I was depressed and was just numb. I don't want all these emotions anymore. I can't handle it.

OK, looking for some confirmation here I guess....

WW and I were talking the other night, and she came out and said "I love you as a person, I love you as a friend, but I just don't love you as a husband."

Fog talk right?

Anyway, she also mentioned that she wanted her "Mommy", that it wasn't the same talking to her on the phone. So without a thinking about it I called her mom, with WW standing there, and asked if she could come up here for a week or two, that I would pay for her plane ticket. I'm not so sure this was a good idea, her mom and I really never have gotten along and she was against us getting married in the first place. We made peace over the Christmas holiday, at least I tried and she appeared to be sincere about letting the past be the past. The problem is, is she rarely gives good advice, especially when it comes to me. I was texting my brother in law yesterday, and he seemed to agree with that.

Right now, my brother in law is one of my biggest supporters as he is a recently recovering WH. He's made the big decision to to own up to his mistakes and return to his marriage, and I'm very proud of him for making that choice. He's a priest in our church (not my congregation as he lives in another state and currently on sebaticle for obvious reasons) and he talks to both me and WW via text messaging all the time.

The problem I've come to realize over the last day or two, is that WW won't let go of the anger that she has for some of the things I've done over the last year. I don't think we can get anywhere until she lets go of the anger.

Just a couple things she's angry about:
- Back in May there was a church service about 8 hours away that she wanted to go to. I had every intention of going, but as always I would say that we weren't going, but get the tickets and surprise her a day or two before. Well she kept nagging me about going, which got me angrier and angrier. Then her parents came up and were going to go, so she was going to with them. The morning they left, she started nagging me again about going with them, at the time I was going to go, but the nagging got to me and I decided I didn't want to go and turned into a really heated argument and I told her "If you go don't come back." I called her about 20 minutes later and appologized and said I didn't mean it.

- A couple weeks later, she was sick and didn't go to work, but pretended to go so that she wouldn't have to tell me. So I packed her bags and put them by the door.

- Then of course there was this most recent EA, where I blew up, threw her phone at the wall (shattering into several pieces) and threw some fake divorce papers at her.

I can understand her being angry with all this, but I have gone through a lot of changes in the last few months that she admits she sees. But for some reason she just can't let go of the anger she has about these incidents. I'm still plan A'ing her, but it's so hard to keep a smile on my face when I'm around her now.

She got upset at our counseling session this week because she said she liked living in the hotel because she was independant. I made the comment, that what she experienced was an illusion of independance because she was still relying on me financially and for medical insurance. The MC agreed with me and she just got really upset because reality hit her, so now she's mad at because I "twisted" her words around.

She's still in the house, living in the guest room. But she came into my room at like 4am yesterday, because she was having some cramps/charlie horses in her feet and legs that was causing her excruciating pain. I spent the next hour massaging the kinks outs out of her legs and feet. I'm not really sure how to take the fact that she came to me when she was in pain. I'm not sure what to think of this.

Anyway, I know long post. Sorry, I'm just in a bit of a bad place today. Y'all are great and I really appreciate your advice and support.

I was wondering, about 5 months ago I was having problems with out marriage and was angry with WW, kind of like she is angry with me now. I was finally able to get over my anger by doing the following:

1. Taking an inventory of positive attributes of our marriage.
2. Taking an inventory of positive attributes about WW.
3. After looking at my inventory I decided to start thinking positive about my marriage and our future together.

Once I took those steps, the anger began to subside (slowly, but it did subside). Would doing this again with WW help her to get over her anger or would be a waste of time, if she is still in withdrawl and foggy?

Well got together with one of our priests for coffee on Saturday. Had a nice long talk about how things were going with WW. He's very supportive, but he asked me what her committment was to our marriage, and honestly I couldn't tell him.

Anyway Sunday after church he started talking to WW, just some general talk, "How are you doing?" stuff, a few minutes later I noticed they were gone and she was talking to him in the Sacristy (door was open). They spent about 45 minutes talking. Then we went home. On the way home I stopped at the store to pick up a couple things we had forgotten the day before, when I get back in the car she starts to give me a hard time about getting DD's softball equipment. Basically yelling at me for no reason. Don't know if her attitude had anything to do with her conversation with our priest or not. Got home and shortly after things seemed to calm down and she was actually really nice for the rest of the day.

Hell, I don't know what's going on anymore. One minute things seem like they're going OK, the next [censored] hits the fan.

Anyway her Mom is flying in tomorrow night, soooOoOoooo... I'm bracing myself for more crap to hit the fan. It's so hard sometimes to keep a smile on my face at home now.

I used to like roller coasters....Now I'm not so sure .

Praying that things will turn around soon.

OK so her Mom got here Tuesday night. We were supposed to have an appointment with the MC at 11am and she didn't show. I tried calling and got no answer. Then her mom calls me a few minutes later to telling me that she's still asleep and she can't wake her up. Come to find out her blood sugars crashed (she has diabetes related to her Cystic Fibrosis) and she was unresponsive. So I rushed home, by the time I got there she was fine, mom had pumped her with sugar and got her blood sugars back up. Her blood sugars crashed because she miscalculated how much insulin to take the night before.

Later on in the day they tell me that now her Dad is coming up, because he is worried about WW. For some reason I just don't buy it. I think he's coming up so that they can drive back to OKC together. He's never wanted either one of them to drive long distances by themselves. Plus DD has spring break coming up, and will be visiting her biological Mom. WW doesn't want to hurt DD, so I think she's planning on leaving while DD is gone for the week.

I dunno what else I can do. She told me last Tuesday that she loves me as a person, loves me as a friend, but doesn't love me as a husband. Pretty sure at this point she has no intention of staying in our marriage, there just doesn't seem to be any committment anymore.

OK, so yesterday WW quit her job. Her plan was to go back to Oklahoma with her parents and to live with one of her friends back there. Her reasoning is that because of all the stress she's under living back in the house, her health is detiorating and she wants space until she regains her health. I'm not really sure what stress she is under as I have busted my [censored] trying to make our home a happy place, yet there is still alot of tension between us. It's hard to talk to her sometimes, because when we start to talk about our problems she blows up. I do my best to stay away from the LB's and the 4 horseman, which she knows about from the weekend workshop, but she makes no use of them.

The A is over, though I know she still hasn't really gotten over OM either.

I talked with both her parents last night and neither hold any ill will towards me. Both are against her moving back, her father more so than her mother (she's a little torn). Her father agrees that if she moves back to OK, I shouldn't have to support her financially with the exception of keep her on my medical insurance (something I think I would have to do anyway until a divorce is finalized).

So we told her and explained to her that her car payment, insurance, cell phone, car gas, etc. would be her responsibility. She has no job lined up in OK, and doesn't plan on getting one until her health improves. WW says she's not asking for a divorce but space, so that she can work through some of her personal issues.

Told her that if she stayed and worked on the marriage I would continue to support her.

So my question is, if she moves back to OK do I continue with Plan A or do I go to Plan B? I'm kind of torn here as I do love her and I do want to reconcile our marriage but at the same time, I need to move on with my life with or without her. I feel like her moving to OK is her running away from our problems rather than facing them. She doesn't feel this way, she sees it as her getting space.

Well, she's out the door today. Heading back to OK with her parents. Told her she's responsible for her car payment, insurance, medical bills (leaving her on the insurance), and got her cell phone back to give to DD.

Made the last couple days as pleasant as I could in the house (Plan A). When I left for work this morning and said good bye, I told her "I love you." Her response was "I'm doing this because I do love you, but I just have to find it again." Doesn't really make much sense to me, but what ever.

Her Dad is going to have her see a psychologist through his church (she can 6 sessions for free). Said she's going to come back after she's gone through the "program". Don't really believe her and just preparing myself that she's not going to come back. She didn't take all of her stuff, so I'm probably going to just pack up what's left next weekend and put it in the basement. Basically she has till May 1st to return, if she doesn't then I'm going to have it shipped to her at her expense.

Need to find an attorney today to make sure I'm not going to be shooting myself in the foot as far as what I need to do legally to provide for her. I don't think making her pay her own bills is asking too much, or against the law (so to speak), but I need to CMA as I have a sizeable trust fund that I don't want her to get a hold of. According to the attorney that managed the fund, she shouldn't be able to touch it, but he doesn't practice in my state and said I should confirm with an attorney in my state.

Still not sure if I should go to plan B at this point as she seems somewhat willing to work on our marriage. But at the same time, I feel like she doesn't want to, so I've been flip flopping on the plan B issue all weekend.

Plan A is about continuously meeting her needs. Do not expect anything back at this stage. Reject any future attempt at contact with any OM. Use exposure and express disgust should this happen.

Limit interaction but always be positive during these events. Do not get dragged into fruitless discussion. Pray for herself as well as for you.

Damn, I just feel so stupid now. I let my guard down after the marriage builders weekend and she moved back into the house.

Hindsight is 20/20 like they say. She left yesterday to go back to OKC. I had been letting her use my laptop (work laptop that I never use) at night so she could listen to music to help her go to sleep. Checked it last night and she deleted all the internet history...Covering up tracks I guess.

Then it dawned on me, we have a house phone specifically for the alarm system we never give out the number because we don't answer the phone. I use to have the ringers turned off, but a while back I turned them back on (I forget why). But Saturday, she got a text message from a friend at church (yes I saw the text), and she was sitting in the bedroom watching the house phone. When I asked her why, she said "XXXXX is calling me on the house phone and the isn't the ringer off?". I said no, but then I never heard the phone ring, and she came down and said she was going to XXXXX's house to help out with something for the youth at our church.

DUH, I'm such a dumb [censored], she turned the ringers off on the phone's so I wouldn't hear the phone ring at night when she went into her room. How f'in stupid could I be.

She called last night to let me know they got the hotel (half way to OKC). I was so angry, but I bit my tongue and didn't say anything to her. Partly because I don't want her to be upset while driving another 8 hours today.

Can't decide if I'm going to confront her tonight or just go to Plan B. Funny for the first time in a couple weeks, when I got off the phone with her I said "I love you" and she recipocated. This is the first time in two weeks she's done that after telling me that she feels horrible for saying it because she doesn't feel it. Guess maybe some guilt is starting to set in, or she's just playing it up for the time being (she was nice as could be Saturday night, all day Sunday and yesterday morning). Guess she just wanted to leave on my good side.

Oh, yeah and the best part of all this is she left me a note, saying "Remember I do love you deep down. We'll talk all the time. Thankyou for letting me do this.". I didn't let her do anything, she made this choice on her own, and I tried to stop her, but realized I can't control her.

I packed up all the pictures of her and her family, and put away anything that reminds me of her, except her shot glass collection (it was getting late, and I ran out newspaper). Just hurts too much to be reminded of her. I took my ring off too, I feel naked without it.

Sorry for the long post, but I needed to vent.