Number of posts is a poor way to decide who is "more engaged in recovery." Some of us have more talkative spouses, and some of us do more reading and listening than posting. If you compare my 3 posts to my husbands 243 posts, it looks pretty bad. It doesn't mean he's more engaged than I am.

It DOES mean he's gotten more feedback than you have.

Granted based on what you posted.

Now please go and read the rest of what I had to say which was to justify my conclusion.

I have never, ever said it before. And I only said it this time because of all of the points I made and what I read from her posts and responses to posts.

Engaged can mean both active and passive participation although usually, active gets more credit, for correct and incorrect reasons.

Hope that helps.

Larry

Hi! turlehead,

I have not told my parents about the affair. Two of my sisters know about it. Elcamino72 has always want it to relocate, so for them (my parents) it was not new news. Selling the company was not a big surprise either, because he want it to sell it before too. I didn't let him sell it, because he was depressed at that time. At that time there was no affair going on, he was depress for other reasons.

Not always, but I won't continue to thread-jack.

I think I GET what Larry was saying. My hope is that Rizos gets it too. There is a lot of help on these boards and I hope Rizos receives it well.

Rizos:

I am going to keep reading the posts here, but I will not burden you with my point of view anymore unless you elect to respond to some of the issues I have raised with you.

I will leave you with one thought:

The Marriage Builder Program is all about personal knowledge and personal changes. Each partner in a relationship focuses on internal adjustments and personal learning. Your joy will come from the changes you make to yourself.

The Marriage Builder Program is not about a way of keeping score on the other partner's efforts. This especially when you really don't know enough to make that judgmental call.

All the best. Please understand that I am really on your side and the side of your marriage. You have two kids to think about. And should. My comments are designed to help you, not hurt you in any way.

Larry

and then there was silence...

That is what you expect because you 'get it.' It may be, hopefully, that it is early in the day and the demands of the kids are there to be met.

Leave us hope so and not avoidance, because almost all of us who have been here for a while are focused on helping someone with their personal road to maturity, how grownups think, and the knowledge needed to actually get there.

Larry

Larry,

Sorry, I haven't had time to read all the posts. I was out all day. I do want your help, and I appreciate the effort that all of you do to help my marriage. As soon as I send my girls to bed, and my BH shots down, I will read them, and answer...

Mark,

I decided to change the hair to straight for a few days, because my BH said that he was not going to follow POJA or any MB guidelines for a while. BH said that based on his perception that he was the only one following the rules. I asked him if he care about me changing my hair, and BH said he wouldn't care. So, after having the hair curly for over a month to avoid lB's, and BH saying he didn't care, and ignoring me(my perception), I decided to change it. I thought it was not going to be such a big deal.

About following MB guidelines of UA, SF,RC, IC, etc. We were doing that, and I thought that we were doing well. Then, he got isolated, and didn't say a word to me. When I asked him, if he was feeling OK, he said I was not meeting his #1 EN-open and Honesty. I've asked him before how to meet this need, and he recognize that I'm more open and honest now, but it isn't enough. I told him I need his help in that area, but he still doesn't get it. He says that it's my full responsibility to meet his needs. I'm very stress trying to meets his needs without been sure what he wants, he's the one not been honest with me, by not telling me exactly what he wants.

Thanks for your input

Enlightened_Ex,

Keep in mind that BH is the one who wants me to TALK. I want to spend UA time w/ him. But he keeps asking for Open&Honesty, and IC. I've done the IC (baby steps), I'm a very private person, but he needs to understand that it's hard for me to do it. I've asked him to cooperate and start IC by himself, but he is expecting me to start IC all the time.

No I hate the IC, or been Open & Honest because I'm not use to it. But I'm trying!

To practice POJA is a sweet deal for him, because he's never done anything. I've always taken care of both. He's the one working now, but I did it too. Other than that, nothing. I'm the one who takes cares of everything else, without havving to ask him. He encourage it, because it was a sweet deal for him. He didn't have to worry about anything else. I used to even take his car to the dealer for an oil change, even though I was working too.

So, for me to follow POJA is a real challenge, but I'm trying to make a big effort to follow it. It does makes lB's to follow it, because I not use to it, but I'll get use to it w/ time. For him is easy, because I'm mostly a giver and usually let him do whatever he likes.

It's a long rocky road...

Larry,

I don't resend the MB process, but I do get frustrated. Specially when BH is letting me to believe with his actions that he's happy and doing better, and out of nowhere he was not. I felt frustrated because I felt that he was acting up, and it upset me.

To answer your question, El Camino72 and myself are from Puerto Rico. We moved to US when we got married and lived there for about 5yrs, then moved back to Puerto Rico.

Sorry, I meant 'resent'.

Rizos I hope you understand what the POJA is. You do NOTHING without the enthusiastic agreement of BOTH of you for everything. DrH says that it will seem strange at first but that as you do it more often, it will become easier. It DOES NOT mean that you DO EVERYTHING and he does NOTHING.

I think EL C was upset about your hair because it triggered him. I am in Plan B and I get triggered by the smell of a certain perfume that I smelt on WH and I KNOW OW wears. My heart starts racing and I start to feel light headed. But there is nothing to be upset about at that moment it is just a memory that comes rushing back and I have NO CONTROL of it.

I don't know if this has been brought up to you yet, but I have seen people tell newly recovering folks that around 6 months into R the BS will start to feel a LOT of anger towards the WS and A. I don't know if this is going on in this case but it is something to look at.

Is one of El's top EN's Physical Attractiveness? If it is, then that would also explain why he likes your hair that way.

black_raven,

I don't see his triggers and pain as BS. I see his AO, as taking BS. Hammering down the blow dryer is not his first one. Nevertheless, I do understand that this is a hard process for both of us, and that I'm the one responsible for having the affair.

So that is why you had a temper tantrum?

What about the other points I raised with you?

Larry

MarriedForever,

I have not ask BH for a divorce. That's why I decided to ask the forum for help.

Gack1,

That is the truth, I didn't have sex w/ the OM. There is nothing else I can tell him about that.

black_raven,

I apologized for wearing my hair straight, and he apologized too for breaking the hair dryer.