Did you offer to take the lie detector test? This is a VERY tender subject with a betrayed. Most of the time, they simply do NOT believe that actual sex did NOT occur.

And for good reason.

Rizos, if you had read all of the stories I have read here, you would understand just how many times (almost 100%) of those who chose to commit with an affair, lie about the details. Almost 100%.

When the recovery starts, the lie stops, usually, if the start is real and not more dodging.

Larry

Rizos,

From what I understand about your situation, your BH is going to have these mood swings from time to time and will not be able to move forward and recover as long he works with the OM. Seeing the OM on a daily basis will trigger intense emotional reactions that he will have trouble controlling. Recovery is usually at least a two year process. I've been in recovery for 3 years and me and my FWW still aren't fully recovered. However, you will start making significant progress one day if you continue to stick with the plan, and that day will be once he no longer has to deal with OM at all. In the meantime, please show your BH some compassion for the situation he finds himself in and what he's been through. Now if your BH starts crossing the line, you have every right to tell him so and stand up for yourself, but do so in a calm and respectful manner. Do not escalate the argument. When EC is in one of his moods, he's looking to get a rise out of you. If you don't give him the satisfaction of getting a rise out of you, he'll no longer have any reason to do so.

As for the not having sex w/ OM, if you didn't that's fine. However, many BS's don't believe that. I know most WS's don't want to talk about the A, but volunteer the things that you did do. Try and remember the details. If you open up and share these things with him, he's more likely to believe what you did and didn't do w/ OM.

Why is it that men always marry women that want long straight hair get the women that want curly, or short, or both curly and short hair?

In short the man and women are never on the same HAIR page!



Please feel free to switch long short curly straight men women to your unique situation.

jmwc95,

Thanks for the advice, it does help. It is true that for as long as he is in contact w/ OM, our relationship will not progress. I'll do what you said, keep it cool, and be more compassionate.

About the affair details, I have already told him what happened, when and where. I can offer to use a lie detector, like Larry said. It might bring him peace, I don't know.

Thanks, again

Ok Rizos, that is progress. And will you take the lie detector test if he says yes?

Please understand that he has a need, like all betrayed for total honesty. He wants to regain trust. So long as he doubts, he is unhappy. Please offer it as soon as you can and please let us know what his response is. I offer this because I have been where your husband is. I am a betrayed spouse.

Rizos, let me bring up another matter, something to think about.

You wax eloquent, which means talk, talk, explain, talk, about HIS offense to you. Another way of putting it is that you write at length with many words and much emotion when he has done something you find offensive.

But when someone points to the slight possibility that you might be doing something wrong, you either IGNORE the post or give some short answer. OR, you blame shift. Do you understand what I mean by blame shifting? I don't know if that English expression is something you have learned or not. I do understand that English is a second language for you. And you are very good at it.

Are you still afraid?

Do you fear the attitude change you must make in yourself to have a real marriage? Are you just going through the motions for the sake of the children? I see a resistance in you that is both obvious and troubling in terms of a marriage. What I see is very, very clear in your writing.

One thing you do need to understand. Most of us who have been on here a long time see many things. This is because of experience reading the same words and the vision of the same attitude, over and over and over. And we understand what is down the road, down the path people take who say certain things in a certain way.

There is absolutely NOTHING unique in your situation. What you say and how you say it has been seen many, many times.

Yet that is a good thing, because we can share the truth with you. Here we are on the side of marriage and the kids, always. We will tell you what you need to hear and explore, not what you want to hear.

What do you say rizos? If you care to let me know what you really think. To get the full benefit of this forum, you need to post, read responses and ask questions. And learn, if you will. Ignoring something you don't like, gets you nowhere and nowhere means what it means.

Think about it.

Larry

Alright, Rizos, your husband says there was a picture of the OM in your drawer?? What in the world was that doing there? Are there any more pictures or memorabilia in your home?

And how do you plan on undoing the damage to your husband from hanging onto a picture of that scumbag? Do you have any idea how badly you have hurt him? You have put your H right back to Day 1 of recovery with that crap.

What is the plan to undo this damage?

Hi! MelodyLane

I don't know if you are going to believe it or not, but I had no idea the picture was still there. That was taken long before the affair. It was in a drawer that I don't use (his side of the bed nightstand). Usually the things that are there are his. I probably put it there, long ago, and didn't even remember about it. I actually thought he was talking about other newspaper picture of the company that we had, but I think i got rid of that one.

I was seeing pictures a few weeks ago (random pictures of all family members), and I found some of the OM w/ BH, and OM family members or company people and I got rid of all of the ones that I saw. I still have to keep checking, and get rid of the ones that are left.

ok, good. Is there any other memorabilia? Anything left in the house that reminds you of OM? The sooner it is gone, the sooner you will withdraw.

Also, did you tell your H what Dr Harley told you about telling both sides of your families?

Larry,

I'm not sure I follow you. You're saying if I'm afraid of what?

I want my OM to ask me whatever he wants. I've already told him the details of the affair, but I'll offer the lie detector.

I'm afraid he spends more time writing to YOU guys than telling me what he NEEDS!!! and then, he complains that I'm not doing anything. I'm not saying I'm an angel here, I'm a tough cookie myself, and I'm trying to stay calm when I don't agree w/ him. I definitely still on defensive mode, specially when he's not meeting my EN... Those weeks when we were doing find, I was practically on his feet, but not anymore (although trying to keep a positive attitude).

I have made a lot of mistakes, and have recognize quite a few after reading MB stuff. I know there's still a long way for me, but I'll keep working at it...

Thanks for your advice!

MelodyLane

When you say the sooner I withdraw, what do you mean? I can truthfully say I've already withdraw. I wish he had gotten rid of the picture himself, I hadn't seen that picture in a long time. It reminded me about the OM for a few minutes, but a few minutes later I had gotten rid of it, and didn't even think about the OM anymore. I don't feel anything went I have to write about the OM.

Anyway, I have not read Dr. Harley's answer, but If he said that I have to tell my parents, I won't do it. That's the only thing I won't do. I don't even know why I asked, if I knew I was not going to do it anyways. Sorry about that one, I won't change my mind. Call me baby, tell me to grow up, I don't care... Sorry about that one.

Whoops.

SugarCane,

I meant my BH to ask me whatever he wants....

I'll be back in a few minutes, have to take care of the kids...

A Freudian slip, perhaps?

Why not?

Does ElCamino wish for you to tell them?

You realize that Dr. Harley recommends that all family members know, correct?

Mrs. W

Why not? Were you planning on lying to them to explain the reason you are selling the business and moving? That sure doesn't sound very repentant to me.. Is elcamino expected to keep the lie too?

MrsWondering & MelodyLane,

It will only hurt them. ElCamino wanted to sell the company a long time ago, even giving it for free! Plus he always wanted to move back to US. So for them, it's not new news. Anyways...

MrsWondering,

I don't know if ElCamino wants them to know, he doesn't tell me anything. He does seem to be writing a hell lot more on the forum, than what he's tells me...

Rizos, lying about it is what will hurt them. That is very disrespectful of you to presume that your parents are too enfeebled to handle the truth. They have a lifetime of experience and can well handle such a thing. They can also help you in your marriage and your recovery. This would give them an opportunity to support you and Elcamino.

When my son�s girlfriend called me a couple of years ago and told me he was �cheating� on her, it didn�t hurt me, it gave me a chance to support him in redeeming himself.

It doesn�t help anyone involved to deceive others about why you are selling the business and moving, most especially you. Lying about this just keeps you foggy whereas, bringing it out in the open clears the air.

MelodyLane,

Thanks. I might give it a thought..., but don't count on it. Good Night!