Sunshine, I'm pulling for you, I really am. But you're with a guy you don't plan to marry, for crying out loud. You want the cow when you've been accepting the milk! That comes with risks. And you're seeing that right now.

I don't want to discourage you from posting here - someone may have something that can help you. But I want to caution you - you are trying to fix a problem in your 'yoked-ness' that you can't fix as an unmarried person. I find it telling that some of our best on this site haven't chimed in on this thread to help you.

I resemble that remark.

Other than ImStaying and myself, of course.

You are right we are not married have been together going on 11 years now

And yes I do look at it like we are married...

And I have made up my mind if I see anymore email
I will be asking him to leave...
Not that it will be easy
But I am not going to let this go on any longer..

And I think by doing that it could be a wake up call to him...
At least I can hope it will...

And I am snooping
I check on stuff every day...
I am not sitting here doing nothing...

Then maybe I shouldn't come back to this site

There is no reason not to use all the help on this site. I think I WOULD get the Buyers, Renter, and Freeloaders book. It might be very helpful to you. Seems like you have a freeloader on your hands, and you seem to be a renter. Please don't get offended, I always thought I was a buyer until I read the book.

Your situation is unique in that you lose financial security if you get married. I don't blame you a bit for not marrying.

Your mate is proving that he isn't marriage material anyway.

Yeah, I'm not "naturally" a buyer either but I'm trying real hard to change my habits, way of thinking, acting etc. I want to be a buyer.

I will have to check into that book..
I have no idea what you mean about being a buyer...

I think some think this might not be the site for me being we are not married..
even though we have been together to going on 11 years...
It sure feels like we are married here...
It has been no different here with us then it was when I was married...

And yes you are so right if I got married I would lose all financial security that I have...
And if it didn't work out.. I would never be able to get that back... A risk I am not willing to take here..

I know the counseling I got when he left said to me
Who ever taught me loyalty sure taught me well.

I do know in reading surviving the affair
it says that even if you know there is still contact while working on Plan A..
Don't say anything don't let on that you know just keep working on Plan A..
I guess that is where I am right now...
trying to do that but I have to tell you when I see he has sent her email...
It is very hard for me to hide that I am bent about something he can always tell...
Will ask me what is wrong...
Have you had to do this and was it hard for you hide what you know or found out ?????

bliss I am going to try and give you a little more background on me.
Maybe it will help you understand me a little better..

Yes I am be weak when it comes to doing what you feel I should be doing...

First I have had many bad years with my daughter my only daughter.
She got into drugs really bad then Crack..
I did everything I could to help her spent years and many rehabs for her...
Nothing worked...
She had a baby a preemie 1 lb 11 oz
was in the ICU at U of M for 3 months got to come home at 4 lbs..
I traveled with my job... My husband would call me saying my daughter didn't come home he was here with the baby... He was sick himself..
I would have to call friends to help till I got home.. once from TX back to MI..
My husband passed away..
I ended up having to quit my job...
Had to go to court to take baby from my daughter...
Or the state was going to take her.

I adopted my grand daughter...
I still kept trying to help my daughter I love her it hurt much that nothing I did helped..
was with BF she was really mean to him...
I ended up having to cut my daughter out of my life ... Not easy.. she has to hit bottom ... So I had to stop all help..
in the hopes that would help her... AS of yet that has not happened...
The rehab place said I had to do NO contact with her..
at the same time this was going on BF moved out...
I had a lot going on...

My life was falling apart fast...

My BF couldn't have picked a worse time to leave here...

And I was raising a child again at the age of 50...
Not where I thought my life would be at this stage of my life...

Then on top of it all my grand daughter was crying every night .. she was puking every night crying so hard..wanting BF here..
It was so bad I was told at school that we might have to hold her back a year...
My grand daughter has a problem in feeling all will leave her...
So I have been doing all I can to try to have this work here.
I have to say BF is GREAT with my grand daughter...
she calls him daddy...
we have been to counseling to where I was told ...
I needed to try and work this out here with BF
If we couldn't get it worked out my grand daughter would have many problems and would have to have counseling for a long time...
And that it would take her forever if ever to learn to trust anyone again...

I put my grand daughter first at all times what is best for her...
She didn't ask for any of this...
I want her to be happy and have as normal of a life that I can give her...
She feels safe with BF here and I know he loves her as his own...
He said to me the last year of dealing with my daughter he just couldn't take it any more...

And that is my fault...

I know that is what pushed him to the OW at work...

I wasn't meeting his EN and at the same time he wasn't meeting mine....

We got lost in all of the mess...
Right now I am trying to fix it.
I feel most of the time he is to...
So yes I am slow to put him out... Plan B
If it was just me .. I feel this would have been done...
I hope I am not all over the place here...
and maybe this helps you understand a little better where I am coming from...

Sunshine, I appreciate the time you put into explaining your personal sitch. And I want to say this to you gently:

If you read through other posts on this site your eyes will open wide with a certain realization - that, in untold numbers of cases, A's began after some life-altering event, whether it was the sickness or death of a family member, job loss, disease, accident, moving to another location...I don't think it's a coincidence that A's seem to often have their roots in these situations. It seems that these are times when the upheaval of the event causes one or both spouses to become distracted from caring for their relationship with their spouse. Your sitch is similar.

So. The A happened. But you need to keep writing your life's story. How will today's story go? That you continued to allow a toxic atmosphere in your home? That you are willing to be a doormat for your SO because you're afraid of the consequences for your granddaughter? What if he leaves again? And again? How will that be for her? And you can't control his actions. Only yours. And in the meantime your gd will be picking up on the negative emotions in your home, the stress, the uncertainty - kids are good at detecting things like that.

So you've decided to allow him to do whatever he wants, apparently, in the hopes that he will do what you consider to be the right thing. But again, you have no control over what he does. You can only control yourself.

It is telling that you put your gd first at all times. That comes at the expense of the other priorities you've shifted to second and third places: You should be No. 1. And your relationship with your SO should be No. 2. When those priorities are healthy, your 3rd priority (your gd) will be healthier, as well. Have you considered that the fact that your gd is your No. 1 priority may be contributing to your SO's actions - if you are committing to meeting her needs over your SO's it doesn't mean he doesn't have any. And that may be why he had them met somewhere else. Not that you are to blame for the A - he owns that. But have you put his needs at a distant third place?

Just some stuff for you to ponder as you continue on to write your life's story today.

I don't approve of moving a bf in when there is a child living in the home. It just causes all kinds of problems.

You don't trust him, he doesn't pay rent, you are afraid to confront him because you want to keep him around so badly. And I'm sure he senses that and knows that he can continue doing whatever he pleases. He won't write a NC letter to give you a feeling of safety.

If you allow this to continue, you will always be fearful and unhappy.

You are going to need to take some time to build on your strengths and recover from all the uproar in your life. Just take care of your little one and yourself, and see if he steps up to the plate.

You might read some of Chai's posts. She lost a long term marriage due to WH's affair, and is dealing with an addict daughter and has a grandson. The difference is that she DOESN'T have financial security, but is doing just fine now. You will get there too. Stick with us.

Sunshine,

I am having a problem with your numbers here. You have a five year old GD. Your sick H used to be home alone sick with her and you had to rush home. Your sick H died. You have been with current BF for eleven years. Please correct me if I have missed something but if all of the above is true, I have new understanding as to why you are having such problems.

God's Blessings,

Say

I do get what you are says here
I really do...

To my grand daughter all is good here.
we don't fight and we never talk about anything to do with this if she is here...
She goes to granny's on the weekends ( My mom's )
If there is anything to be talked about that is when it takes place...
My Grand daughter is very happy again.

Since we had that talk a couple of Sat's ago...
He has not sent any more jokes to her...
So I am hoping I got through to him...
That I will not take any more Contact..
No matter how small he might think it is ... I made that VERY clear...
I told him after all I have been through with my daughter and what she put me through I can NOT take any more of that kind of treatment from anyone..
I told him in my minds eye that would make him worse then my daughter to me because I trust him with my grand daughter.
And If I can't trust him to hold to NO contact with the OW..
To me that means I can't trust him with my GD either...
And I won't have that...

And I make sure that I give him my time...
I sit down a watch tv with him at night something I didn't do before..
We talk every night...
we laugh a lot together... something that hasn't happened for a long time...
So my plan here right now is to keep on with plan A
if I see there is any contact at all I will go to plan B..
I hope I am on the right path here..

There is no wishful thinking going on here...
or pretending I am working at covering myself here...
I tried to get his cell phone records and have not been able to...
So I have just paid 300.00 to get it done for me...
I am trying to find out all I can and will move from there
If there is contact with the OW
he will be told to leave here at once...

And I do have things in place if there was something to happen to me.. which is my brother and his wife...
A trust fund is set up...
I have made sure all is covered
I could get run over who knows what could happen...

Pep,

Did you see my above post about the length of the relationship compared to the age of DGD? I have yet to get a response on that discrepency. Curious.

God's Blessings,

Say

Yeah, good catch, say. I didn't catch it, I was so busy trying to untangle the muddy thinking.

The BF has been the only dad she has known...
She has had NO other man in her life other then Grandpa...
So she looks at BF as her dad being he has been here since her birth...
She has always been with him...
Just because he is not the birth father doesn't mean she isn't attached to him as her dad...
The birth dad has never been in her life...

And I have told BF that if he wants contact with OW
being I am doing all I can here... And know I can't do this alone ..
And If I cut it off and make him leave here..
He knows there will be no contact with me or the child I have told him that... made that very clear...And I mean that...
And the child will be told the truth in a way she can understand....
I feel that would be best... And better then seeing him come and go...