What a horrible tragedy, tekoa.

Just to clarify, I wasn't necessarily wanting reassurance that my WH would someday suffer, however I was wanting to be reassured that there would be consequences of his affair for him, because right now it seems that my children and I are the only ones paying any kind of price for behavior he chose, yet inflicted on our entire family.

I was looking to be reminded that in most cases this affair won't 'work out' for him, because right now it seems it is going just peachy for him....he's off in the fantasy of his new life while I'm back in the trenches dealing with the REALITY of what he has done.

Hi SidneyT-

Here's the thing-even if our WS's don't have some big, horrible thing happen to them, it doesn't mean that they are not suffering consequences.

It's not always the catastrophic things that actually "get" to a WS.

My FXH said that the thing that got to him was this: one day he was grocery shopping in his town (he bought a house about 60 miles from me and the kids) and he kept passing an older man in the aisles. He couldn't help but notice how lonely the older man seemed. Then, my FXH noticed that the contents of their carts were similar. It was then that my FXH realized that HE was going to be exactly like that older man because of HIS choices.

That was it. That was the "consequence." It may seem small, but for my FXH, it was life changing! It started the process that eventually has made him my FXH

I hope this helps

I was not suggesting that horrible things happen to WS as a consequence to an affair. But I shared that story because it's a reminder to me.

I recently remarried my WS after divorcing 10 years ago. So thank God nothing that tragic happened to him. The consequence we live with is that he had a child from the affair. The child is a blessing, but a constant reminder.

Hi SidneyT,

Infidelity creates great internal conflict. (Maybe not if you're a sociopath, but I'm going to assume most WS's are not.) Whether you see this conflict or not, it will manifest itself in your WS - they will be affected either physically (illness, appetite, sleep, depression, etc.) or emotionally (anger, stress, depression, etc.). I think this conflict and its manifestations are one of the reasons why WS's seem 180 degrees different from their "real" non-wayward self.

So even if your spouse stays wayward, even if he or she tries to delude themselves into believing they are happy ( ), if they believe they are doing what's right or that their actions aren't really that harmful, they will on some level identify that it's wrong. Part of them will know.

If they become a FWS, I think it gets even worse. Self-delusion will carry you at least somewhat as a wayward, but if you "get it," and if you realize what you've done and earn your "F" designation, you will pay for the rest of your life. You will know that your decisions alone led to the destruction of life as you knew it. You will never again have the beautiful innocence that was in your marriage before. You will never again have that pure outlook on life. You will be raw and pained and in agony over what you have done...and over what you have done to your spouse. You will have to look in your children in the eye when you warn them firsthand about betrayal. You will know you betrayed your family, your dreams, and the life you all planned together.

There is no enviable "side" when infidelity is involved, but believe me - a spouse who is or has been wayward will know consequences.

Hope this helps.

Please try to find a good PI and one who can concentrate on your H for a few days. My PI, recommended by my attorney, spent about 3 days full time on my H and got everything I needed to document where my H was staying, with whom, and their actions for 3 days. After that, I no longer needed PI.

If they can follow him from his work daily for 3 days, you will undoubtedly catch who he's seeing, unless the person lives out of town and they don't see each other much. However, it sounds like you H really fears exposure and that he must be very involved, so probably has routine contact with other person. Go for it....but get recommendations on PI's. If they're good, they will get the goods on your H fast. My PI said catching cheaters is the easiest part of his job because they can't stay away from other person they're involved with.....

Sidney, B_S2008 is not just citing opinion, but observed and recorded FACT. These have been published in places like Psychology Today and elsewhere.

Infidelity may be thought of by those involved as "love affairs," but in truth they are extremely damaging emotionally, physically and psychologically. Even people who have remained in these relationships for decades do not escape the feelings of guilt, remorse and shame for their behaviors and their consequences.

I would rather be as celibate as a Franciscan monk for the rest of my life than to indulge in a momentary lapse of judgment for the sake of a few hours' of physical/emotional satisfaction.

A good PI will need some info from you to help him out....

He should be asking you questions like

where does he work

what time does he go in and get off

what time is his lunch.....

where does he like to eat....lunch dinner....bars to hang out in....

what cars does he have

needs pictures of him

whats his phone number

A great PI will be asking all that and more ...he will target his times to watch your WH when he is most likely to expose himself.......

The one I hired had it figured out in 2 days ......still cost me close to a $1000 but was worth every penny....

If you have the right PI you will feel like he is your best ally ....he will be sensitive to when the WH needs to watched and limits his surveillance to those times........

It will make a big difference in the speed and cost of the case......

If both of your names are on the phone account then you can get those records directly ..........and your answer I know will be there......

I agree with Fred get a new PI...... if this PI had his act together this would have already been over.....

Thank you all so much for the input, both about the PI and about the wayward's inevitable consequences.

I'm reluctant to update too much right now on where I'm at with all this (WH knows about MB), but believe me when I tell you I am reading your replies and taking it all in! Hopefully an update will come soon where I can divulge more.

And Ladylonglegs, someone rec. I read your post shortly after my D-Day in late January...I appreciated your strength and candor through your whole ordeal and I hope you're doing OK now.