lostscared, your instincts to snoop will be in direct correlation to the trust she establishes with you. And that may not be very much with a serial cheater. Your instincts may - rightly - direct you to snoop like a bloodhound every day. And your instincts would be RIGHT if living with a serial cheater.

You might to accept the fact that snooping is the price you have to pay to stay in such a marriage. Because not snooping is going to cause you more trouble than snooping.

In my marriage, snooping did more to RECOVER my marriage than anything else because I had INDEPENDENT reassurance that my husband was being trustworthy. It allowed me to RELAX. Of course, my H had nothing to hide.

The key to rebuilding trust, as LA mentioned, is to establish extraordinary precautions IN ADDITION TO SNOOPING. And by snooping, I mean in ways that she does not know about.

She should NEVER know your methods, lest it neutralizes your protection.

Dear lost,

I have to use your words to answer you logically. I'm going to use a little analytical technique to get you to think about what YOU are saying to get to the heart of the problem in your marriage. It has nothing to do with what you think is the problem - snooping. I has everything to do with something else. I'm in red, your words are black.



My 2 cents mean very little in this discussion at this point but here we go. I dont want to snoop, anytime i snoop i feel guilty because at the point im driven to snoop i feel insecure.The word "guilty" actually means that the person feeling guilt has done something wrong, and feels guilt for that wrongdoing. Yet you attach guilt to "insecurity". You should probably reevaluate this, because my guess is that you feel GUILT because your WW has chastised you for snooping, and this makes you feel GUILT because being chastised makes you feel as though you have done something WRONG. Understand in the depths of your soul that this is a technique used by waywards to evoke the exact feeling you have - guilt - in order to deflect the blame for the problems in the relationship onto the INNOCENT PARTY (that's you - the betrayed spouse). In this case, she has done quite an effective job. In fact, you are now feeling BOTH guilt AND insecurity - she is quite an effective manipulator, don't you think?

Are those insecurities in me or from her. I think I answered this one. If they're from me, even if its because of her past actions i shouldn't hold that against her. Au contraire. By every means you should hold it against her, because she has not done anything to change her behavior. Moreover, she has continued and even made a successful career of making YOU the guilty party in the marriage. I'm not sure how you guys are prior to a snoop but its almost like i expect to find something, this will be the big one. Of all the times i've snooped in 10 years, and trust me its been alot i've found something unnerving like 3 times. Three times? I think in a SECURE marriage, you would NEVER FIND ANYTHING. You are nervous because of her history! I might add, she has probably gotten quite adept at COVERING HER TRACKS because she knows you snoop. Have you ever considered this? I cant count the number of needless fights over something trivial i've found that my mind has made out to be the smoking gun. Or that was NOT TRIVIAL, and that she LIED and GASLIGHTED you about. Give that some consideration, because it is likely FACT. I can guarantee with 100% certainty that is a huge LB in my marriage. Probably a huge LB, because she is then, once again, on notice that she has to cover her cheating ways and is not allowed to act like a single woman. Gee, you are raining on her parade and she doesn't like it. I would say, "ITTY-BOO" and then have a discussion about secrecy. So i guess my point being, which im not even sure i remember where i was going, at what point does snooping become an unhealthy habit? When you are a stalker, when the spouse has given no reason for you to suspect unfaithful behavior, when she isn't talking about trading her nude photos with other men...

No matter how good of a job you think your doing the OS, if they are that dedicated to leading a second life, can be 5 steps ahead of you with hidden accounts, secret cell phones. True enough. Then again, if you are in a marriage that is fulfilling, one based on honesty and the feeding and filling of each other's emotional needs, where the two of you spend quality time in mutually enjoyable experiences during the week, and you have built a trusting and trustworthy relationship together with goals and a solid foundation, why would they? And if you have in place Extraordinary Precautions, the likelihood is even less... Lol so i rambled and probably just confused a bunch of ppl, it theres anything im bad at its putting my thoughts into text. In your case, get a keylogger. Check it every other day or so. And call the Harleys. You and your wife need some help, because you are in a cycle where your wife is gaslighting you, and your instincts are right on the money - don't ignore them.