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I did the very same thing that you did: counseling and trusting my wife.
Your only hope is MB
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Joined: Apr 2001
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How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS, by Dr Bill Harley p. 177 ...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them. I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists... In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Please take the time to listen to these radio clips with Dr Harley discussing this very issue. ...........this radio clip is the typical outcome when a couple does not move away from the OP. [when they live close by] This WH, Bob, and his OW lived a mile apart and the affair has been on and off for 3 1/2 years. The BW is now divorcing him and their little boy is severely depressed. This is what happens when one ignores Dr Harley's recommendations for NO CONTACT FOR LIFE. We have seen this happen over and over again on the SAA board over the years: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: May 2008
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and yes our situation is very unique because our relationship is unique. Which is like everyone else's that's why I don't believe there is one prescription for every affair. They are all different with different circumstances. He had a midlife crisis with two lay offs back to back and i know that after a while you feel lousy. does that justify what he did.... hell no!!!! If only I had a dollar for every time I have read that on here, I would cruise around the world once or twice. The one thing that is a constant is how similar affairs are. There is very little unique or unusual about any of them. All you really have to do is change the names and places. The human behavior is pretty much the same. AM
Last edited by armymama; 11/17/12 04:45 PM.
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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What I am sure of is that my H won't have an affair with the OW. Did you also think he would never cheat on you in the first place? Welcome to the club, because none of us here thought our spouses would never cheat either. Sorry to tell you, but your WH's affair sounds like all of the stories here. What sets MB apart from the rest is that it has plans to not only recover, but to learn how to have a wonderful marriage and to Survive. Please follow the plans.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: May 2008
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SB,
Please share what unique thing you bring to the table. I would like to learn from you.
What exactly makes your situation so different from the hundreds I read about on here? I would like to understand.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
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When I discovered my wife's affair I did an Internet search for help and the first thing I did was order Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley.
You can get it from amazon with rush delivery.
I found the book immensely helpful.
In fact, I don't think I could have emotionally survived without the book. It taught me how affairs start, how they survive and more importantly how I could survive her affair.
I strongly encourage you to order it TODAY
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Joined: Oct 2008
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This thread has descended into personal attacks and bickering. Let's get back to the purpose of this forum, which is to discuss and learn Marriage Builders! This thread is locked.
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