I'm lost again.....

Monday night WW called to let me know that she got to the hotel. Tuesday night she called to let me know she got to OKC ok. Both nights I ended the conversation with "I love you." and she reciprocated with "I love you too.". Then last night I called her and again ended the converstation with "I love you.", all I got back was a deep sigh and "Good night, I'll talk to you tomorrow."

I do still lover her but I feel like every time I talked to her now, I feel the withdrawls from the bank. I don't want to lose the love that I have for her, in the event that her counseling helps and she does come back home.

Part of me is telling me to go to plan B, so I can maintain the love I have for her. But there's a part of me that doesn't think I can go through with it.

I think I'm going to try keeping the long distance plan A going for a few more days...but it hurts like hell sometimes. I do pray every day for WW to come around, that God will somehow show her the way back to our marriage and give me the strength to endure.

Found a message WW sent to one of her friends the other day.

"I made it to OKC today. Now its time to take back control of my life and decide whether he's worth it or not."

Whether, I'm worth it?!?!? WTF???

I guess the question I need to decide is whether or not she is worth it? I still love her, but sometimes I wonder if that's worth fighting for.

T,
Prayers are good keep praying.

The comments about whether you are worth it are just fog talk. Ignore it. All wayards feel justified, some are some aren't.

Like I keep telling everyone here because I felt the same way myself- (powerless) Get a plan, execute your plan per your timetables and don't compromise your plan's conditions for recovery. And you know what? If your plan is doormat and be anything anytime for her anywhere thats OK. Its your plan. We can only tell you the probably outcomes and point out the MBer methods.

IMHO, the best you can do is NO relationship talk, NO ILUVUs, NO talk about A, just a great plan A if thats your plan and a date to reevaluate progress.

WW could be saying is OM worth it.

Thought about that too, but I doubt it.

Decided not to call her last night. She instead started IM'ing me when I got home from a company event and got on the computer. Just basic chit chat, "How was your day." Type stuff. Didn't talk too much and as suggested, I left out the "I love you" when I went to bed.

I'm taking the approach of preparing for the worst (Big D) and hoping for the best now. I don't think this separation (with 1000 miles) between us, is going to help the situation any. Guess time will tell.

I'm not sure I follow. Are you saying she's in contact with OM?
If so, I'd EXPOSE to everyone and go to plan B with a very clear Plan B letter (get input here). I'd copy her parents on the Plan B letter too because it sounds like they are your allies and know she's messing up and want things to work out between you two.

Do you think her move to OKC was to get away from OM or is that where he lives? Sorry, I can't remember for sure.

Don't know for sure if she is still in contact with OM at this point. Just suspicion based on her activities.
I have exposed to everyone and yes her parent's are my allies in a sense. She didn't move to OKC to get away from OM or to be with OM, he lives in CT. I wrote an updated plan B letter and I'm reviewing and making changes to it still before I send it. Also waiting for my brother in law to contact me, he's supposed to be talking to her today or tomorrow, he's an ally in this as well.

Well, snoop your hiney off 'cause it sure does look suspicious.

I do suggest sending her parents a copy of the Plan B so they know it's a love letter and that she has a way back home. They sound like the kind of people that will call her out if she paints things differently than they really are.

And if you find she's been in contact, that would explain her inability to "love you in *that* way". If you find out she's been in contact I'd re-expose. Shine a great big ol' bright light on it.

Hard to snoop with her 1000 miles away, but I'm working with what I can. If I do find out she is still in contact with OM, I've got a doosey of a way to expose to OM's parents again......Had WW lieave her cell phone for DD before leaving, made sure the phone was clean before giving it to her, but WW, forgot that picture mail is stored on the Sprint's servers as well and you can access it online. I couldn't do it before, because they send you a text message with a confirmation number and i couldn't get a hold of her phone. Found some, lets say unappropriate pictures of OM, that I'm sure his parents would be pissed about.

But yeah, I intended on sending a copy to her parents too.

And before you ask, she did not send him any "inappropriate" pictures. At least none that I could find stored on the Sprint server.

Wow.
Hope she has the sense not to renew contact.

I know it's hard (impossible?) from a distance. Can you access her email accounts or phone records remotely? Or watch her bank charges?

I can watch some of her e-mail accounts, there's at least one that I can't access. Her checking account I can't monitor, but I can monitor all but one of her credit cards. Can't monitor her cell phone records, 'cause I made her leave the cell phone and she's been using her mom's (guess they could monitor it, but I think she's smart enough not to use it). No way to monitor the house phone down there.

Well DD is off to Washington, DC for her 8th grade trip today. Get's back on Friday and then goes to her mom's for spring break on Saturday. Which means 2 weeks of being in the house alone. Not sure I'm ready for this....

I rewrote my plan B letter and sent it to my brother in law (yes I trust him, he's a priest in our church and I asked him to look at it in confidence). His only comment was that he wasn't sure that breaking off contact with WW was the right thing to do. He mentioned that he had told WW earlier that day, that we need to talk more. While I agree we need to talk, I find myself losing the love that I have for her each time. There's been a few days lately that I don't even want to talk to her, not that I'm angry I just don't feel like it.

I made a decision last week that I was going to move on with my life, with or without her. I think subconciously I'm moving on without her, even though she says she's coming back on the 1st of May, at least that's what she said when she left.

Other problem is that I'm finding myself attracted to another woman. Probably because she's showed me some compassion about the situation, but I really don't talk to her that often. Only been a couple times. I know that I won't act on the attraction, I have kinda high morals and can't see myself (keep telling myself I can't) taking the same path as WW. At the same time I try to rationalize with myself, that it would be OK, because WW has essentially left the marriage and we're now separated (though not legally). Just curious has this happened to anyone else? What do you do? I'm implementing EPs for myself in order to not let the attraction go any further than it has. I also know that I'm not ready for any kind of relationship (physical or emotional).

Been there and trust me it is hell on earth.

You are smart to realize how close the slippery slope is but I don't think you realize you are already sliding down it. Why does this woman know about problems in your marriage? Unless she is a person of influence over your wife that you exposed to, she should not know. People should never air their marital problems to anyone of the opposite gender. Ever.

Quit talking to her.

Was having a bad day back in January, had gone out to "get some fresh air" and walked by her on the way back in. She could see in my face that something was wrong and asked if I was OK. Said no, and went back to my desk. She IM'd me later (yeah we have an IM service at work) asking me again if I was OK, and I told her what was going on. Couple weeks later she sent out a mass e-mail for a going away party for one of our co-workers, it happened to be the weekend we went to Nashivile for the marriage workshop, so I e-mailed her back letting her know that I wouldn't be able to make it and why. Saw her again at an aftwer work, work function, talked briefly and then "ran for the hills" so to speak.

Really don't have to worry about the whole "working together" thing as she works in a building on the other side of the city from me. She rarely comes over to our building, once every couple months and we really have no contact and intend to keep it that way.

While I somewhat agree that opposite gender should not know about marital problems. I have always tended to have more female friends than male. Don't know why, I just do. I like to think that I have high morals and integrity, and I would never go down that road. Which is why, I'm kinda posting here. Have to be honest with myself. As far as the honesty goes though, do I tell WW? I mean nothing has happened and nothing will, but part of me wants to be honest with her and tell her that I'm starting the process of moving on.

Weird, brother in law sent me a text saying "She told me she still loves you."

That's all nice and good, but why can she tell him, but not me?

Quit worrying about what she says.
She's unreliable.
Focus on your Plan A.

Good point.....

IM, email, and person-to-person chatting is no contact?
She knows you are having marital problems and that is no contact?
You are lying to yourself.


You start the process of moving on by filing for D.

You can be honest with your wife by going into plan B and sending her a letter explaining that your love for her is almost gone, that you're trying to protect the little bit that's left, and what she must do before you will consider reconciliation with her.

Hi Tresmal,

I don't know that I've ever posted to you before but this just caught my attention. Perhaps you should examine your motives for wanting to share this with WW. If it's to "get her attention" then IMO, you're playing with fire. IMO, that's the equivalent of someone trying to guilt their WS into coming back. It rarely works.

Oh, and BTW, you're playing with fire anyway by having any personal discussions about your marriage with another woman. That's a huge no no and can't possibly lead to anything good. If you want to "move on" with your life, then do it right. Divorce your WW and THEN preferably after a year or so when you've had time to heal, begin to think about another relationship.

There is no good reason/excuse to be privately discussing your marriage with another woman.