Did you expose to OM's parents?

My kids are older than that and if I got a call from a distraught person saying my kid was having an affair with their spouse I'd tear them up one side and down the other.

Yes, OM's parents are fully aware and were appalled. Very Catholic family. Dad is a teacher at the Catholic school their son went to (which is how I found his parents coincidentally). Was real happy that I e-mailed him at his work e-mail, because they monitor their e-mail and the subject was just ummmmm....not christian.

The told him that if he contacted WW again, they would pull him out of school. I thought about calling them again after I found out he called WW to tell her that I talked to his parents. I probably should have, but WW was pissed about it and I didn't see any need to seeing she had, at the time, supposedly broken it off with him.

I still have some ammunition for his parents if I'm feeling really mean or if it starts up again and I can prove it.

Well if she is saying NC, and if he stands to lose his education, I say Plan A, full steam ahead. She's just in withdrawal. You have everything going for you and nothing to lose.

Good job, by the way, on sleuthing out his parents and contacting them. That's pretty happy news that they're devout Catholics and have threatened their son w/pulling him out of school.

Keep your head down, keep snooping, and if you see one smidge of contact expose all over again. You have WW's family supporting you, OM's family supporting you... you are pretty much in an ideal situation as far as being a BS goes. Still sucks, though, don't it?

Blows chunks......

Yeah, took me almost 3 weeks to find his parents. Got mom's name from his cell number from intellius. Intellius didn't pan out, had old information. Went to his face book page and found out what high school he went to and found the schools web site. Looked for alumni information and found a picuture his graduating class with alumni Dad's. Got Dad's first name. Did a search looking for Dad's name and alumni information, and just happened to point me to his school web page, where it had his e-mail address. It was almost pure luck that I found it. Sent him an e-mail, and he and his wife called me a couple days later.

And the crowd goes wild.
That was super detective work on your part.

Thanks, told my Mom how I found them and she asked me to look for an old friend of hers from high school.... no luck yet.

Impressive !

Tresmal, have you considered the possibility that there might be another OM involved?

Yuppers I have. I'm pretty good with the snooping and haven't found any evidence of another OM. That doesn't mean there isn't one. However, I've been in pretty constant communitcation with my brother in law, who's also in communication with WW on a regular basis, and he's sounds pretty confident that our marriage isn't over yet. Keep in mind he is a priest in our church, so he's bound by confidentiality so he can't go into details of what she's told him and vice versa he can't tell her what I've told him. I trust him both as a brother and priest, add onto that he's a recovering WH who's seen the light of his mistakes. I know he's read HNHN and the 5 Languages of Love and a few other books and has been putting those principles to use in his marriage with a lot of success.

I'm just having trust issues, and I know that it will be a while before I can build that trust up again. She also has trust issues with me, she's afraid to tell me things because she thinks I'll get angry and blow up. Simple things, like when she gets sick. We talked last night and basically made the point, that I wasn't going to get angry with her and blow up just because she's sick. Though I probably will get angry if she lies about it. So hopefully, she'll start being a little more open now. She seemed to be last night. It was actually almost nice talking to her on the phone.

OK, so I'm not going to plan B, going to work really hard on Plan A. Gotta stop flip flopping on this.

Anyway going to start working on myself more, I've done all I can emotionally so to speak, so I'm starting on the physcial part of me now. Started smoking again when this all started back in November after quiting for 3 years. Got 4 cigarettes left in this pack and that's it, no more, cold turkey....

Made an appointment at a fitness center this evening after work. Going to start working out and get rid of the spare tire, all ready lost 20lbs due the stress from all this. I want to lose another 10 lbs. and start toning up. Get some cardio in as well.

SooOOoOoooo.... Hopefully, when she comes back the 1st of May like she says she's going to (I'm still having trouble believing she's coming back to work on the marriage, but we'll see), I'll have lost some more weight, toned up some and she'll have something nice to look at. Even if she isn't going to stay, at least I'll be healthy and ready to move on with my life without her. Not that I want to move on without her, but I'll be more prepared.

Good idea, Tres. Plus exercise helps reduce stress.

Question for y'all....

When she left for OK, I told her she would be responsible for her car payment and insurance... I just received about $1000.00 in medical bills for her, from when she was in the hotel.

So should I mail these bills to her, one of 'em kinda annoyed me, because it came in mine name, not hers? Granted she's all ready pissed about the car 'cause she can't make the payment....

If you are getting bills in your name for a person you don't feel responsible for, I think you should contact the agency that is trying to bill you, right away!

OK, let me preface this with we're not at this point yet, but me being me, I like to get my ducks in a row and plan ahead for as many outcomes as possible.

I've been thinking a lot about what needs to happen before WW is allowed to come home (if she decides to come home). This is what I've come up with so far, am I being unreasonable?

• Cancel World of Warcraft account.
  • Never play any online or MMORPG games again.
• Cancel all social networking accounts (i.e. Facebook, Myspace).
• Cancel all instant messaging accounts (i.e. AIM, yahoo IM, MSN IM)
• Cancel all e-mail accounts (except the one provided by our ISP).
• No Contact Letter to OM and appology to OM's parents.
• Complete committment to the marriage.
  • Agree to work through MB principles/program.
  • Seek marriage counseling.
  • Complete honesty.
  • Complete transparency.

So is this unreasonable? Am I forgetting anything (I feel like I am)?

Thanks,

Make sure passwords to email are transparent to you.
You may just want to block the social networking sites so she does not make a new one.
Set up a specific time to work on marriage, about 20+ hours per week for the first couple weeks. then go to 15+ hours.

Since the computer is a major problem my WW and I have agreed to limit her computer time. She has only 1 hour to check email and do her business. Otherwise any other computer time must be monitored by me.

Funny part is my WW is going through WoW withdrawl rather than affair withdrawl. She tries every other day to get me on WoW so she has an excuse to play. I miss it, but my marriage is not worth it.

I quit playing WoW right after D-Day. She won't stop. Before she left, I had to reinstall Windows on her computer, so I deleted WoW. She asked if I had installed and told her no, if she wants to work on the marriage WoW has to go. Hid the install discs from her. She downloaded and installed it the day she got down there and is on almost all day until 2 or 3am.

Yeah, passwords was part of transparency. I was also thinking of having giving her give up her computer, and use mine as a family computer so to speak. That way I could better monitor her online activities.

I turned my wifes computer into a media center and put it on the TV, and stereo. I sold an older one of mine to family, and locked mine down so she has limited access. WoW is addictive, and addicts will do anything to get their fix. If the OM was a WoW player the thing has to go.

Yup, OM was a WoW player, hence the reason I've said it has to go. The OM from a couple years ago was a WoW players as well. We quit playing WoW, and for 2 and half years our marriage was the best it had ever been. Then we started playing WoW again, put down rules of playing (i.e. only so many hours a week), it worked for a few months then the rules went out the window and marriage started going downhill. Tried to get us off the game several times to no avail. Video games have been one of the underlying problems in our marriage, either one of us or both of us get so into a game that we start to ignore the marriage (i.e. each other). The 2 and half years when there were no video games in the house, everything was great, not perfect, but great.

How do y'all Plan A someone when you're not sure what the hell is going through their head? I mean she tells her brother things (like she still loves me, our marriage is not over), but then acts the complete opposite towards me when we talk on the phone.

Can't tell if she's lying to me or to everyone else. It's frustrating as all hell.

I know they say surround yourself with people that are pro-marriage, so what do you do when you have family (parents) that are suggesting ending it? Do you just stop talking to them for the time being? I'm finding it difficult to stay positive when family members are telling me that I should just cut my losses.

If the WW decides to come back to the marriage, how do you tell if they are coming back because they want to or because they have to (financially)?

Tresmal- You are not Plan Aing your WW. What you are doing is changing and growing through all that you are learning on here. You are going to show her what YOU can be like. Make yourself into the person you KNOW you are and who you WANT to be. That is what Plan A is about. It isn't contingent on how your WW reacts or what SHE is doing. It is YOUR PLAN.

She is lying to EVERYONE.

As far as all of the people around you telling you to cut your losses, just tell them that you understand that they are looking out for what is best for you but that you KNOW what is best for you is to TRY to save your M and you would like them to support your efforts in THAT direction.

I hope this helps