Good Morning Rizos:

It is me again.

We talked about fear a few posts back. We talked about being afraid. And we both know there are many reasons. One is very obvious. It is a secret from long ago. Right? And maybe your parents know part of that secret, maybe all of it. Or maybe not, whatever.

But you know.

See how living a life of O&H means never having to worry. Think about it.

Larry

Top Ten Reasons to Tell the Truth:

10) It keeps you from having to remember which lie you told whom.
9) It prevents people from hating you if they find out the truth from somebody else.
8) It allows a person to choose to love you knowing who you are rather than loving someone that isn't the real you.
7) It teaches your children the value of being honest.
6) Lying is a Love Buster
5) Failing to tell the truth squanders an opportunity to do something that will make your spouse love you more by meeting an emotional need.
4) Telling the truth opens the lines of communication and allows the other person to provide honest feedback for our lives instead of advice that does not supply us with what we really need.
3) Telling the truth kills the affair once and for all, since it was based entirely on fantasy and lies.
2) Telling the truth is good practice at open communication that improves the likelihood of getting what you want in the future.

In this case, the NUMBER ONE reason to tell the truth:

1) Telling the truth will prevent the grandparents from resenting the father of their grandchildren for taking the grandchildren away from them fearing that he is being manipulative and controlling or that they themselves have done something that has caused them to no longer have access to their grandchildren.

Rizos,

Can you give me the top ten reasons why you should continue to lie? (Withholding the truth is lying you know)

Mark

No kidding. After unfaithfulness against him, he sure doesn't deserve to be depicted as the bad guy to his in-laws on top of that. This business of saying "Oh, my parents have known for a long time he has wanted us to move" is a cruel thing to do to him. Own up to the fact that the reason a move is now necessary is because of what you did.

Rizos:

Obviously telling your parents is something that you are afraid of and the only question is why. Do you fear the consequences to you? Or to them? Or to both? Perhaps they would not approve of your affair. Or is there more?

Larry

MelodyLane,

I told my mom all about the affair, and as expected, she said that I should have known by now that no matter what I do they'll be there for ME. She said that if I want to stay married, that's my decision but that if I want to divorce, they will be by my side. That's good to know. I felt relieved to tell her.

What if you want to be a serial killer?

Markos,

A move is NOT necessary do to the affair!!! We could stay, right where we are.

ok, Rizos, I think that is a great start and was just kidding about the serial killer. [but seriously, would she support you in having an affair or being an axe murderer? some parents are like that!]

Ok, what about your dad and what about ElCamino's parents? ESPECIALLY EC's parents since that loser lives right next to them. They have to know.

Here is a big hug for you, friend! {{{{{{{{{{{{{RIZOS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

MelodyLane,

They'll probably bring flowers to jail!!!!

MelodyLane,

ElCamino told his parents back in Dec2009. They fully support the relationship. Got to go, have to take care of the kids...I'll be back.

I just love ya, Rizos! You are awesome!

I agree your h reacts because he is triggered. I can speak from my own experience. When something happens to remind me of the A, it feels like it was yesterday. The pain is real. For instance, I recently found out the OW is pregnant. That was a trigger for me, because when I discovered my h A, she was pregnant with his child. Also our aniversary is a trigger. The A was discovered on our anniversary.

So you must allow your h to the time to recover. Even after recovery he will still have triggers. But they will not be as often. Also, time, your understanding and reassurance that you love him will help him to not dwell on the pain.

You must remember, you caused this pain and you should be the one that helps him through his pain. (just compensation)

Rizos, I'd missed the latest part of your thread. CONGRATULATIONS for summoning the courage to talk to your Mom about this.

It is my experience that getting up the nerve to do something uncomfortable (painful, frightening, sad, or whatever) is almost always SO much worse than the actual doing of the thing. So huge kudos to you for finding that bravery within yourself.

No word from you in a couple of weeks now... how are things going?

Hi! turtlehead,

I've been busy taking care of the kids and hubby, and a few errands. We've all been sick. Thank God we're doing better now.

Well, we've been having ups and downs, which is understandable. I've been trying to be affectionate, but ElCamino isn't affectionate at all. He only wants to have deep conversations, and it upsets me. I just feel too tense all the time, because I'm not sure when to have these conversations, or about what!!!

The other day, out of nowhere, he asked me to tell his mom about the affair, and to tell her that I was sorry. It upset me, 1 because I wasn't expecting that conversation, and 2 because I think that he should have said to me: how would you feel about talking to my mom, and let her know that we're working on our relationship, and maybe telling her that you're sorry for what you did... I don't know, something like that would have been better.

But anyway, I shouldn't have reacted the way I did, and I have to work a lot harder on that. I think that I'm on defensive mode, because I've been trying to be nice to him, been affectionate, telling him what I'm doing, where I am, asking him to go out by ourselves, etc, and I only receive a smiley face. I have my hair curly ALL the time, and dark brown, which I hate, but I'm doing it for him, and all I've got back is a smiley face. So I'm kind of very unhappy, but hanging in there. I did tell that I would like to know, what else he needs related to the affair so that we can start the recovery, and he did said that he wanted the maid of honor to know about it, and I'm Ok with that.

I told him that we need to POJA a new hair color, and that the atmosphere felt so tense, that I didn't even want it to talk to him. He said that we could arrange a time to talk about deep issues (family, friends or whatever), and I said that I was OK with that too. He thinks that my friends and family are giving me bad marriage advise, but that's not true. I do understand that he's going to feel uncomfortable for some time, and I'm OK with that, but it's still annoying. My family doesn't give me advise unless I ask for it, and they know that I make my own decisions (mostly good ones). But overall, it's been good advise, or nothing at all.

Since then, he seems more relax, and just a bit more affectionate, so I'm still keeping my hopes up.

Hey Rizos! sorry to hear you were sick, my friend. Glad you are doing better. And bravo to you for sticking with the curly hair. Maybe the hair color thing could be put on the back burner until he feels better? I suspect stuff like that is going to send him spiralling into withdrawal right now, so I would just give it some time.

How do you feel about talking to his mother? I know I would love you if you came to me and apologized for hurting my son. What a brave, brave, endearing act that would be, Rizos. That would tell me you really cared about my son and would go along way in making me relax. You know how mothers are about their children.

You are doing so good, Rizos. Just hang in there and keep trying and I am sure this will slowly get better. Dont' give up!

El camino had a WW. Lots of people like him.

El C had a WW had a WW that had a PA with his college friend,a double betrayal. Not common though not rare either.

Then the the PA gets ramped up when the OM is the BH's business partner as well, forced to sell his business to get NC with the OM at less then full market value, and sell it with a no compete clause, and had to stay on for a smooth transition, and get his loyal and good employees to agree to stay on and continue to work for the OM so the sale goes through. He can't tell everyone at work that the OM is a POS and they should leave the firm and find new jobs.

The OM got to do his wife and now gets his company. EL C has to recover not just his marriage, he has to recover his career path. There are many men out there that have had their ability to earn a great living disappear and never be able recover it again. So he has to sweat out if his his marriage and his career will make it.

And the OM is left in the cat birds seat.

How do you feel about the way the OM impacted your BH's career and wealth?

TheRoad,
I don't think that answering this question will help my marriage... ElCamino is an intelligent man, who was letting his partner(OM) do whatever he wanted w/ the company, way before the affair started. It makes me feel sad, but we have to move on, if we want to save our marriage. I don't know what ElCamino is writing, and I sure don't care, as long as it helps him recover our marriage...

MelodyLane,

I don't have any problem talking to his mom, I should have done it a long time ago. It's actually kind of awkward talking to her, and not bringing the subject up. I'm going to do it next weekend, I was going to do it last Saturday, but she wasn't home.

This last weekend we went to a fair with the kids, and on Sunday I proposed to go snorkeling, which I know he loves. He seemed happy, who knows. Will see...

Thanks for asking...

You only seem to look at what you have to go through and give up post affair. You don't acknowledge what your BH had to give up and may never get back.