TheRoad, I do know very well what it means to lost the company, and future wealth that 'might' have come up w/ it. My BH wanted to practically give away the company a long time ago, in the mean time I(way before the affair) was trying to get him to stay, and sell the company later on when his mind was OK (not depression mode). Yes, indeed, he had to give up a lot. Anyway, since this is not adding anything good to my marriage I won't keep talking about it.

ElCamino is not doing anything to make our marriage work right now. Posting here, doesn't mean that he's working towards our marriage recovery. He's still in 'BS foggy mode', and hasn't realized it yet. He wants a perfect marriage, which is impossible!!! I can't even move a finger because that's wrong, anything I do, seems to be very terrible. I'm trying, and I can do a lot better (w/ his help), but I'm not perfect. I know that I have to change quite a few things about myself, and hopefully he'll recognize that he needs to change quite a few too from his side. This isn't about who's better or not, this is about moving on, and making our marriage work.

ElCamino doesn't want to be affectionate, isn't spending time with me, isn't having sex w/ me or having recreational companionship. He's just seating back and waiting for me to make ALL happen(like he's used to!!!!), and it just doesn't work that way anymore. I want this marriage to work, but he needs to cooperate too.

If we could only start meeting our needs, we both would be so happy. Since he wants me to be Open and Honest, I will have and open and honest conversation with him(I'll try to avoid LB's). I'll see If I can get him to start working on our marriage. We'll see...

Rizos, glad to see you're back. Sorry you were ill.

It does sound like you and ElC are both learning new MB skills and although they are simple they are not easy.

Easy to understand. Not easy to do.

I understand how you feel like his deep conversations are surprise attacks. I also understand how he wants to see you do some heavy lifting and prove you are committed to the M. You are both a little jumpy and that is normal considering what you have each been through.

Maybe it would help if you set aside an hour or two, maybe two evenings a week, where you did "relationship stuff" (conversations). That way ElC would know he'll get to have his talk and you won't be so jumpy and tense wondering what he is going to surprise you with next.

Have you two read Surviving an Affair? Did you answer all the questions and fill out the questionnaires?

Try asking ElC for a hug, and then telling him thanks, that you crave his affection and appreciate when he is generous with it.

Good idea making snorkeling plans! That will help in the RC (recreational companionship) department.

Go slowly, keep doing your part, remind him of your ENs with thoughtful requests (and then drop it).

You guys WILL get there. I know it seems slow slow slow to you but from outside your progress is good. ESPECIALLY your talking to his parents and your parents. That is phenomenal and I am SO proud of you for that. It will get a big weight off your chest (and everyone else's) to not have that big heavy secret hanging over you.

Hi, turlehead,

Regarding your question...

Have you two read Surviving an Affair? Did you answer all the questions and fill out the questionnaires?

We both read the book, I don't remember if we filled out the questionnaires, but we did followed Steve advised and guidelines to recover from the affair.

[b][/b]

Turtlehead,

Right now I'm in lala land. I don't know why, I've been feeling withdrawn the last few days. I don't even feel like talking, hanging around or doing anything w/ BH. I have been avoiding or trying to avoid LB's, and BH seems more relax and happier, but I've been feeling very unhappy.

BH doesn't want me to have contact w/ my sis, because he thinks she's a bad influence. I don't know if it's cultural or not, but I'm very close, and expected to be to my family, so this is an issue that it is really bothering me. I understand that I have to do it until we agree, and follow POJA, but it's kind of hard.

Following POJA it's hard because of my independent behavior, one that BH encouraged for years. Now, we both know that it isn't good for any marriage, and we both agreed that it needs to change. In the meantime, while I get use to it I'm very unhappy. I don't even want BH to even touch me! I just hope that it all goes well, and that at the end we both end up being happy.

BTW, I spoke to my mother in law, and told her that I was sorry, and that we were working on our marriage, etc. I thanked her for her support to our marriage, too. It went well, 1 thing less on BH list. One off my shoulders, I wanted to do it a long time ago...

Rizos, hang in there. It really is worth it. One day you will wake up and realize you feel exhilirated at the thought of being with El Camino. It is a wonderful feeling that cannot be trumped. It changes your entire outlook on life. And you are headed in that direction. It will come before you know it.


Good job. That was kind of you to do that, Rizos.

Thanks, ML


It does help to hear that someday, it all be good! (ElCamino & Rizos) hopefully in a nearby future!

Anybody, help! Trying to make sense!!!!

ElCamino isn't responding, he doesn't want to speak with me, because he says that I do whatever I want, so it will be useless. I think he's giving up! But we are not following MB guidelines (the important 15 hours together), he is either working or practicing MMA.

He wants everything to be perfectly smooth, peaches and cream all the time and quick. He complains that I'm not doing my part, but he is the one that waits to get full of [censored], and then explodes!!! He keeps complaining about my INDEPENDENT BEHAVIOR. I might have to enclosed myself in a bubble and avoid doing anything, and see if he likes that. I do spent time in LALALA land sometimes and get distant, but I think that that behavior is expected, because this is a process, and it does takes time, specially when I feel sooo disconnected! I have to try to make him understand that this is a process, and that it takes time.

We are living under the same roof, but he is really very angry this time(when he speaks he gets really upset). He has not gone to work during this week, and only sleeps and practice MMA. He does not look at me, either. I try to offer food, and he says no, etc. He is making he own food.

How do I get him out of withdrawal?

He wants me to be open and honest, but he is not! When he gets upset, he doesn't say anything, he just waits until he is fed up, and then explodes... and every time he keeps getting angrier and angrier. I think that it will be better to go separate ways, but of course I'm avoiding to mention that. But the situation is becoming too stressful for me and for HIM. I don't know, he doesn't believe anything that I say, so I don't know. I'm with him, and I know that it's very hard for him, but his expectations are way too high. it has not been a year since he discovered that affair, plus we still live close to OM!!! But I don't know, maybe he is really fed up this time. I'm afraid to keep trying to talk to him, because he seems a little agressive too.

Well if you have and idea, let me know.

Is your distance triggering his unhappiness? If that is the case, then stop being distant.

What is triggering him so badly?

Rizos, just so it's clear, Independent Behavior doesn't mean behavior done by yourself; it means behavior done without your spouse's enthusiasm; behavior you engage in as if your spouse doesn't exist, without regards to their feelings.

In other words, when El Camino says you are engaging in Independent Behavior, that means you are doing things he wishes you would not do. You should stop those things. You should ask about his feelings before you do anything.

Are you following the Policy of Joint Agreement? Do you hold off on choices that your husband hasn't expressed enthusiasm for?

Yes, I think you should literally sit down and not do anything that he doesn't express enthusiasm for. At least that way, it will be impossible to do anything that makes a Love Bank withdrawal.

What things are you doing that he complains are Independent Behavior?

Hi! ML,

When I tried to speak with him last night, he only said that he doesn't believes that talking will make a difference. Because I do whatever I want anyway. Based on that, I guess it is the same thing, that I'm not intimate enough or open and honest, I guess!

We thought over a jean!!, and I ignore him (I guess ignoring him triggered him). But then, I came back, and before I left home I said to him, have a nice day, and he said [censored] you. Then, a day or 2 later, I put his food at the refrigerator to avoid it from getting damaged, and I guess he thought that I had done it to avoid him from eating dinner. Then, the next day, by mistake I closed the door too hard, and of course he thought that it was on purpose. I did came back and said that it was an accident, but he was so angry, that I got scare and decided to leave the room.

ML,

we "fought" over a jean!

oh good grief............ somebody is throwing a tantrum!! Stop complaining about him getting mad if you are you going to keep doing things to make him mad!!

If your independent behavior makes him mad, then KNOCK IT OFF!!

Rizos, if I can stop my independent behavior and be HAPPY, then you can too. I scored 20 on Dr Harley's test which is the very high end of IB. The quality of my life is 100% better since I gave up my IB because it removed the tension in my marriage, dramatically increased the CLOSENESS and ROMANCE in my marriage, and eliminated my husband's angry outbursts.

Solution to problem = KNOCK IT OFF!

My husband and I used to fight over my independent behavior too. Here is our thread over on the weekend forum here

Thanks ML,

But how can I get him to give me another chance? He doesn't want to talk to me.

I'm so done with ElCamino!!!!!

Mel, you've posted a link that we non-weekenders cannot access!

What happened??

Sugarcane, sorry about that. Rizos can get to that link so that is why I posted it. It is my crazy fight with my H in the supermarket when we learned how to do the POJA. I posted it before.

I think it's on Markos' thread.

I know I'm the one who treated him badly by having an affair, and I'm not suppose to complain now, but...

He's been treating me like '[censored]' lately, ignoring me, answering my questions in an angry way, etc. Not talking to me, I mean, is he expecting me to react positively to that kind of attitude. He told me to contact S.Harley, but I think I'll contact a lawyer (which I've been avoiding!!!. I don't think that I want to move to the US w/ him anymore, not w/ that kind of attitude. I'm afraid of even asking him if he wants to eat at home. I just tell the girls to ask him.

I'm so disconnected emotionally, that I don't think I can fall 'romantically back in love' w/ him. I'm too far right now. We are living under the same roof, but it's worst than living w/ a total stranger. We have not been spending 15 hours together, either.

Anyway, I'll start looking for a job in Puerto Rico, and a school for the girls, just to be ready in case I ultimately decide to end our marriage.