146,
1,2,3 (...breath...), 4,5,6...(...breath...) seven, eight, niiiineee, tennnnnnnn.
okay.
You mean OM WORKED THERE!!!!???????

OMG, I'm not saying anything else.

She's not wearing her ring because she doesn't want to feel married.

What was her style of kissing like before her A? Did she enjoy kissing you?

And yes, I think the A has not ended, but may have gone underground. The breakup notes don't mean a lot without a NC letter from her to him. Actually, breakup notes can be very romantic in an A - it's that immature, push me/pull you sexual tension thing. Remember, back when you were in high school and you and the 'girl of your dreams' broke up after a silly (now) spat? And you mooned over her, and she you...would you get a note from her, to get back together...maybe you should call her...maybe she would call you...

My FWH and his AP spent a month with those flaky notes before they were exposed.

This is how they met. When the father was moved to another home, W sent a thank you card to the staff. He returned a note and sent phone number, they started texting about family issues. He was very sly. She was desperate. She was 300 miles away when it started. She goes there usually with all of us or without me and with our kids, rarely alone, but sometimes. Those are the times she was able to meet directly. Three times in 9 months.

This guy needs to be exposed. Engaging in an illicit relationship with a patients MARRIED relative is beyond scumbag. His supervisors should know what he's up to. There are probably others who he has engaged in 'friendships'.
I'd bury the SOB.

We had not been happily married and neglected each other leading up to the A for about 2 yrs. I can understand her reluctance to re-commit. She was very unhappy. I'm sure this has as much to do as the A. Not completely sure, mind you. I am wary, but I am willing to trust her. This may be our downfall I am aware. We were hanging by threads for a long while. I think she needs time to rebuild her trust in me. No, I did not cheat, but I held the complete set of lovebusters.

I have certainly considered this. I don't want to act out of vengence. Not sure what good it will do me. If i believe it is over, which I do, then this is unnecessary for me. Others are not my main concern at the moment.

This is by Dr. Harley:
"My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent."

How Affairs should end
146, the whole article linked above will be helpful for you to read.

A NC letter is not just to make the OP aware that contact will stop, (eg. contact happens and one affair partner says 'well I just thought ......'), but it is also a gesture to the BS that the WS is committed to the end of this A.
This letter is an important aspect of R.
Your WW should write one, and you should post it here before it is sent. A NC letter written by a WS can be very telling of their mindset, it can read as a good bye letter with a hidden agenda or it can read as it should, no contact anymore .... end of story.

Have you checked out the books that were suggested??? Surviving An Affair, has an example of a NC letter that can be used.

btw, it's not wise to tell your WW that you are posting here at the moment. In time when she is committed to R, she would be welcomed here to post herself and learn how to protect her M.

146, it would be an act of decency because it would help others. Even if you feel "vengence" you should still do it just because it is the right thing to do. It is never the right thing to cover up wrongdoing. That helps no one, not the victims and not the perp.

The bolded part, is the key to R. You should be concerned that the A has ended and continue to monitor and verify.
Withdrawl cannot happen unless the A has ended. (NC)
Recovery cannot happen unless the WS has gone through withdrawl and is then committed to restoring the M.

Maintaining NC is key.

If there is any, no matter how insignificant you think the contact is, all of your efforts to draw your WW back into the M, will be useless.
She will be getting her fix, (how the OM makes her feel) no matter how small the contact is.

I hope that you understand how important NC is.

146, is the OM married? Have you checked him out independently? What does he do for the nursing home? My sister is the CFO for a large nursing home chain and I could call and ask her thoughts on this if you would like.

Apparently, the spouse of whoever this POS predator hit on before your wife (odds are that she wasn't the first) felt the same way. Too bad - it may have saved you some heartache.

okay, thought I was losing my mind, went back to quote another of 146's posts and couldn't find the thread in R, lol.



It sounds like he is a staff member at your WW's father nsg home. (or the one that he was at)

This is just wrong on so many levels. He's the slug of all slugs.
This slug should not be in a position to care for pts. or their families.

Reporting him would not be out of vengeance, it would simply be the moral and right thing to do.

This OM's wife should know too!

Not married. I would love to hear your sister's perspective. I think I have given enough details of how this started. He is a nurse caring for patients.

I instinctively knew to check SaA forum for this thread,

will 146 know to look here???

When people put their parents into nursing homes, their marriages are often vulnerable because they have been put on the back burner to deal with parents. This makes the children of the nursing home patient especially vulnerable to affairs. I betcha this OM has figured this out and is exploiting this vulnerability.

Fair point...

How do you know he is not married? Because he said so?

Per my sister, she strongly recommends that you notify the OM's supervisor. This is a conflict of interest and a breach of ethics that would result in the suspension and termination [upon investigation] of a staff member who did this.

She said if this is the head of the nursing home to notify their region office or to report it via their "quality line." She was very alarmed about this situation and was quite empathic that it be reported.

My sister said to call her back if we have any more questions.

He has a governing body that would not take this lightly.
This is unethical.

Report him to the nsg. home and write a letter to the governing body. (where I live it's called the College of Nurses)

Someone like this who takes advantage of his role of a caregiver, (like Melody described) is also capable of taking advantage of patients.
No morals = danger to patients integrity and well being.

This really bugs me.