I didn't see the nurse commment at first so I called her back.

"the administrator needs to know ASAP. If the state found out the facility could get tagged. If the facility is informed, they will have the ability to handle the situation before it comes to that. Nursing homes are highly regulated by the state and this could cause much trouble. A nurse who does this is jeopardizing patient care because having affairs with patients relatives is fraught with peril."

Then don't put too much value on her not kissing you out of some allegiance to the OM. She is probably out of the habit of kissing you. Have you gotten the book "Fall in Love Stay in Love"?

I did my research and discovered his recent divorce. W says it was second M.

I'm confident this is over, but I am considering this. I'm afraid of impacting my recovery. Selfish, I agree.

This is of course what I want to believe... and I do feel this makes most sense. The PA was not able to be strongly developed due to lack of opportunity. I know this. I was just looking at that title on the books page. I will share it with W and see if she wants to read it together.

You'll want to do this fairly soon. You don't want things to deteriorate to where she doesn't want to touch you. It can start with not wanting to kiss, then not hold hands, then not touch...KWIM?

What will impact your recovery is not exposing to his supervisor and to any boards over the nurses in your state.

If selfishness is holding you back, exposure is a better choice for saving and recovering your marriage.

Once the sh*t hits the fan, his sleaziness becomes clearer. It's the light turned on in a room full of cockroaches. They all scurry for the corners; it's really disgusting.

Your wife will be faced with what happens to a nurse when they cross ethical boundaries. She will be angry that you "hurt" her lover without cause. She will tell you it's over. That you destroyed any chance to recover your M. THat she can no longer trust you.

Speaking from experience. I never exposed. The EA went underground. The OW and my H continued their "friendship" with knowledge and approval of the OW's family. It continues to this day.

Reasons why I didn't expose aren't relevant here. We're divorced now. I think EAs are more damaging to marriage than PAs, but maybe that's because it's what we experienced.

Selfishness is the best reason to expose this affair. Drop a dime on the OM.

We've been through that already. During the A we both started getting IC. Recall i did not know of the A during this time. As I "awakened" to the serious state of our relationship, i began to dramatically change the way I cared for her in a positive way. She became very distrustful of my intentions and this progressed from no hugging to no touching to separate bedrooms. After the A ended we became intimate again, but she's more "willing" than "pursuing". We are making progress in this area. I expect the kissing and ring will come with her acceptance of my changes being permanent. My theory, for FWIW.

DO NOT SHARE ANYTHING FROM THIS SITE WITH YOUR WIFE.

it is your secret weapon. you both need the tactics and tools to save your marriage, but she should not know that you are posting here, or about any of the knowledge and information. It will undermine your recovery and your work.

Save it until she is really on board with the marriage saving.

WSs have used MB to spy on their BSs and turned what they learn against the spouse trying to save the marriage.

How would this impact your recovery? I believe it might have a minor impact, but it would be positive, not negative. For example, if the OM knew you weren't going to take this lying down, he would be less likely to pursue your wife in the future. There is no downside to exposing to his workplace, L46, only upside.

Thank you Vittoria and MelodyLane for jumping in on this thread. The more I think about this situation, the sicker I am. The POSOM is at the bottom of the pondscum list. HE NEEDS TO BE EXPOSED!!!

L46 (sorry, up till now I thought it was 146) - you need to wake up, my friend. This EA goes a lot deeper than you think.

Sorry to be so blunt, but that's how I see it.

They would need my wife to corroborate the story. I have not exposed because it was over before I discovered it. I do not intend to expose as long as it is over. I'm not willing to take any chances of damaging the progress we have made.

Sorry, that is wrong.

This is Linus, signing off. Good luck.

L46, this would HELP her recovery, not harm it. Exposure is not just to end the affair, but to clear the fog of fantasy of the affair. It is therapeutic. In your situation it would have the added benefit of protecting other families from this predator.

And they don't necessarily need her corroboration, don't you have evidence?

Why don't you help me out with that...

L46,

I am sorry that you find yourself in this position. Unfortunately, we have all been there and many of us have come through it with healthy, thriving Ms. I did not believe it when I first came here but all A's are the same. All WS say the same things, follow the same pattern.

You have come to the right place at the right time to save your M. Your reluctaance to follow the advice of those that have been through this same situation with hundreds of others just like Groundhog Day.

I hate the thought of hearing the details of when this lowlife who has taken advantage of your WW makes a casual "thinking of you" contact and your WW caves because you have not seen the need to expose. Or you find the secret cellphone that they are now using to communicate.

Usually it is the WS that is anxious to put an A behind them, hoping that it will just go away. I pray that you will change your mind on this. Read some other threads. Your story is just the beginning when you do not expose. Theirs will tell you the end.

God's Blessings,

Say

I have very limited evidence I can provide. Two weeks worth of text message records, no content. He was very good at helping her keep under cover.

That should be enough to get an investigation going. And you also have the evidence of the secret cell phone, etc. You can tell them what your wife told you about the affair.

L46 - Maybe I missed it, but have you asked your FWW why she won't kiss you?

FWIW, I think her behavior is in potentially consistent with a FWW who has ended contact, but still plans on getting a divorce. Many WW's silently consider divorce for a long time. Then they embark on the A becuase they make a decision to divorce and thus justify the A, or use the A to make the decision about divorce.

I think this can be really difficult to handle because the FWW is "hedging." They keep a distance so that they can maintain their resolve about the divorce, but the go through the motions of recovery to appease the BS and on the off chance that their "feelings" will return. The snag is that while "hedging", there is no way for the feelings to return. Addiitionally, while they are in this state, they are extremely vulnerable to resuming contact. Either a "bump" in the recovery road sends them seeking OM for comfort, or the OM keeps reaching out until the catch them in a vulnerable state. So, I hope you expose the OM and continue to monitor.

As for help with recovery, I don't know if it can be done in a "self-help" way. Many times you need a third party "arguing your case", so to speak. As usually, the FWW believes your motives are disingenious. With or without MC, your going to have to set yourself a time limit on things or they can go on forever.

Sigh.....

I believe this is the hammer hitting the nail squarely on the head. My WW had not has SF with me for 18 months, and I knew something was definitely up when she would break away quickly when trying to kiss her. Now, she won't kiss, hold hands, say I love you, or wear her rings, much less SF. The description above sounds right on target.

I believe she had the affair to force a divorce. There is no doubt that she is just going through the motions with me and our MC right now. She is doing it just so that she can say she tried, and so that I will share the responsibility for calling off the marriage. Little does she know that day will NEVER come.

rprynne,

Thanks fo your insight. I do believe she is hedging. But she is willing to do more and more intimate acts as time has gone by over the past month. I have not explicitly asked her why. I continue to give her the choice and treat her with kindness.

Clearly she was and is mentally prepared for divorce. I don't know if she will return, but I do know she appreciates how I have been over the past few months. She is not sure it will last, and I think she is not sure her feelings for me can return. I get the feeling she is feeling similar to what a woman in an abusive relationship may be feeling in trying to reconnect. There has been no abuse, but neglect of her feelings. Nothing extreme, but many small things built up for a very long time. I know she is trying...