Hello MB Friends

I am new to this forum.

Here is my story: My husband and I have been married less than a year, but living together for almost seven years. At the end of 2009, I had two affairs. One affair was with a good friend of mine from college and the second was with an acquaintance I met at the gym. The first affair emotionally lasted several months, but was only physical in the last month and the second affair lasted one month.

In mid January, I confessed the first affair (with good friend) to my husband. I did not confess the second affair---that was a mistake. I don't know what I was thinking at the time, but it was very selfish for me to continue to hide that affair. In mid February, my husband discovered the second affair by reading old chat logs between myself and my girlfriend. I have been NC with both men since January. As you can imagine, my husband was devastated by the discovery of the second affair.

I deeply regret both affairs. I realize that I have acted selfishly and hurt someone who has been my best friend for years. My decisions have caused me to ruin a relationship with someone that I love dearly. I wish that I could undo these actions, but I cannot and have to live with what I have done. I am ashamed of my behavior. My husband and I have told both of our families about the affairs. As you might imagine, this ordeal has hurt our entire family. I accept fault for my own behavior and realize that I am the only one to blame for what I have done. I feel horrible.

My husband moved out of our home three weeks ago. He started the process to file for divorce. Since the day he moved out it has been a rollercoaster---some days my husband loves me and is willing to forgive, some days my husband is terribly angry with me and wants a divorce. I ask him what I can do to make him happy and tell him that I am willing to do whatever it takes. I think about his needs---and I try to fulfill them.

Recently, I have planned some fun outings for us and those outings have been fun. Even so, my husband becomes very sad and angry every other day. I try to talk to him to see what I can do better and he tells me that there is nothing I can do. My husband says that I am being great with him, but he still cannot be happy. My husband says that he wants to see other people and that I cannot make him happy. He recently contacted an old girlfriend of his---but it was a brief contact only and he has not seen her or communicated with her after that. He says that if I love him, then I will "let him go" and that I need to think about what is best for him. He believes that a divorce is the best way for him to move onwards.

My question is---should I "let him go"? I want very much to stay married and I love him dearly. I know that I have been an awful person, but part of me still hopes that I can show him how much I care and save my marriage. Am I being selfish to think that way? Should I sign the divorce papers and "free him"? Is that the best way to show him I love him---seems ironic.

Any advice or feedback is appreciated.

The advice I would give your BH if he were here is this:

Short marriage and no children=cut your losses

We have one son---but it is my son from a previous relationship. My husband's step son, but he has helped me raise him---but yes no biological children.

I'm am a former WH, and a hopeless romantic. Yet, I think you need to walk (assuming you have no kids, right?). You had two A's in your first year of M... that would be difficult for anyone to overcome. And now you continue to lie to him about the second one.

I'm all for second chances, but I think you might have blown this one wide open. Good luck...

How old is the son??

No lies anymore about the second affair. It was revealed in mid february and I told him everything.

Why on God's green earth did you marry this man? You've been married less than a year. This is only March 2010. You say you had two affairs at the end of 2009, which means you had only been married a couple/few months at the time you did this, not once but twice, with two different people.

Why did you confess the first affair? Were you about to get caught? I have some other suspicions but I'll keep them to myself for now.

My vote is you sign the divorce papers.

Son is 13---overall, he would live through it. My parents are divorced and I did.

I felt guilty about the first affair---I probably wouldn't have been caught.

Thanks everyone for the feedback...its helpful.

Just to keep the record accurate.

Could this statement be any more wayward?

If you've been M'd less than a year, and the As occurred in 2009, that suggests that you were engaged in those As almost immediately after you were M'd, perhaps even BEFORE you were M'd. Did you get M'd while engaged in either of those As?

You have had a series of relationships. And now must face the consequences. There is no reset button in life. How old was your child when you divorced? Or were you married at the time?

The road to maturity is rocky. And along the way, we do things we regret. They become part of who we are and the real test is the lessons we learn as we lurch and bumble into crisis because we lack boundaries and integrity.

You have crapped all over your husband and not long after you took the vows. In his mind, you have no honor. And he is right.

Sorry I cannot tell you what you want to hear. If it were me, I would move on to divorce and then someone well, someone safer. There is a wealth of material here from which you can learn, if you have the desire.

Larry

I was never married previously. I had my son with my HS sweetheard, we decided to keep the baby and remain friends. We did not want to abort even though we knew we were young and not planning to marry.

If you never married, how did you previously divorce?

Oh, You were saying you lived through your parent's divorce.
And that makes your son's trauma OK.

I get it.

Pep - she is saying that her son will survive the divorce just as she did when her parents divorced.

Hamster - what made you feel entitled to treat your BH (betrayed husband) so horribly?

Oh I meant that my parents as in my mother and father are divorced. That is why I said "my parents". I guess I was just thinking that I do not believe that marriages should be saved---just for the kids. I survived my parents marriage.

I don't. I am not going to get into the reasons I had at the time for doing what I did--because really that is just me trying to justify my behavior. There is no justification. I was wrong---that's the bottom line.

I hear what you all are saying and I am willing to walk away from this marriage so that my husband can be happy. He is still my friend and I do love him. I want him to find happiness even if it is not with me.