Bubbles4u - I've been trying to make her understand this point. She did mention in one of her messages to her friends that she liked OM 1 from the beginning. What makes it even worse is that she had the guy in our wedding.

So i wouldn't doubt if she had an affair with OM 1 while in grad school.

I've never been a jealous man and although their friendship sometimes weirded me out, I always thought my wife had boundaries.....boy was I wrong.

Life lesson #1: Be a man and never trust your wife 100%.

BN - I was attracted to OM1 from the start of our friendship, but we never had an EA. It was always only attraction and a friendship. Over time, we became very close friends and I know realize after reading the content on this MB site that I created a dangerous situation.

The EA started a few months after our wedding---that is when the nature of our relationship began to "change". It was never that sort of relationship prior to being married.

Attraction as in "this person is handsome"--not an attraction of emotions or some sort of "love".

How can it never be that sort of relationship if you were attracted to him from the beginning. Come on, please let me know how you can have a friendship with someone you are attracted too. I had female friends, but I was never attracted to the ones that were truly friends.

Attraction as in "this person is handsome"--not an attraction of emotions or some sort of "love".


Are you 10 yrs old?

No relationship starts with "love", it starts with "that person is good looking."

It just so happens that you do not find your friends to be pretty---but I think it is possible for a man to meet a woman who he finds to be "pretty" and only be friends with that woman. Vice versa.

Well yes---but not people see people they consider to be "good looking" daily at work, friends, etc. I know you do as well---but that does not mean you want anything more than friendship.

Well now we know that that statement doesn't hold true.

*edit*

BN - I am sure that you found those 3 women who "wanted to hook up" with you at work to be pretty. You never took it to another level because you love me.

Same thing with OM1---I thought he was handsome. I never took it to another level prior to marriage - I totally f**cked up and did after marriage.

Hamster - Omg...I do see people that are good looking at work. But i don't become friends with them because how can you be friends with someone that you are physically attracted too.

Please learn from this and grow up - please

So, you were happy for the years prior to the M, and very happy at the time of the wedding. So, what changed so drastically in the M that you considered it an unhappy one only 9 months into it? Actually, just to clarify things, did the A with OM1 START 9 months into the M, or was that the time it turned from EA to PA?

Hamster, BN, I strongly suggest that you stay off of each other's threads. That's S.O.P. when both spouses are posting here, precisely to avoid what is happening to this thread now.

Apparently not.

I've stayed out of this so far. But I also had an A with a man I met in grad school who was just a "friend." I swore up and down that I didn't think about him in "that way" and that we were just really good friends and that I considered him more of a brother. My H bought it. Now, my H and I are raising the OC that I conceived with this "friend" during an A, which I swore would never happen.

Male/Female friendships are a big no-no when you're married. I learned that the hard way. Apparently, you did too.

BN - I am sure that you found those 3 women who "wanted to hook up" with you at work to be pretty. You never took it to another level because you love me.[/color]

Hamster - I was never friends with those girls...and I kept my distance when I found out they wanted to hook up.

You have mentioned on several occasion that OM 1 had made passes on you early in the friendship...but you continued being friends. Please dont make excuses, you had no boundaries. Please grow up.

ManInMotion - I apologize to everyone. I will not respond unless others ask a question of me. Sorry

I believe that it started to become an EA around Oct 09 and turned into a PA in Dec 09.

I believe that our relationship changed almost immediately after marriage for many reasons, but I am reluctant to go into it here because I do not want to sound like I am justifying anything that I did. There is no justification for what I did at all and I am 1,000% to blame for my actions.

BN, I agree. OM1 did make passes at me early in the friendship and set a clear boundary. I allowed that boundary to break down and that is when the A happened.

I should have never allowed that relationship to turn into a friendship. That was a mistake and I have learned a lesson. I read the material about how those relationships are dangerous territory and I agree.

Well, ok, let me chime in here with a slightly different point of view. Yea, get a divorce. Yea, Dr. Harley talks about paying for the adultery decision. I think he uses the words "Just compensation." He has always said that each party to a marriage has 50% of the credit or blame for the state of the marriage and the adulterer owns 100% of the blame for what he/she did.

You were with each other for a long time before marriage, which has its good and bad points. Dr. Harley doesn't like moving in with each other unless marriage and he has very sound points in favor of his position. I do note that things did not turn out well after you got married and see nothing in the record to explain what.

My slightly offbeat observation is something that people have seen me post here more than once:

See, in real life, we learn by example (parents), friends, books, school, observation, advice, and yet, at some point in our lives, most of us are hard headed and then we learn a few things by peeing on an electric fence just to see what it feels like. And, in especially hard headed cases, sometimes twice, like now. How dare that electric fence stop us from enjoying something or the other.

And the consequences of us introducing ourselves to that electric fence hurt, right?

I had a buddy of mine whose junk yard dog liked to climb a fence to go cruising around the neighborhood. After a few of those times, my buddy put in an electric fence to discourage the dawg. My buddy got tired of rescuing the dog from the pound and what happens at a pound if the dog isn't claimed.

Didn't work. The dog wanted out so bad, he would climb the fence anyway, literally yelping and dog screaming all the way, until he got out. The third time it did it, my buddy decided to put the dog somewhere else: friend of his way out in the country, or maybe really put him down at the pound, I don't remember which. I guess that is where the old song about third time is a charm comes from, maybe.

"Just compensation" seems to me to be divorce. I doubt Hamster would disagree: loosing something that was major league important to her at the time is appropriate.

On the other hand, maybe that boy needs a dad. Maybe that dad needs a woman who now understands all about electric fences and why they are there. That is, of course, a decision that you have to make and not me. Of course, third time rules apply, something that anyone who is not carrying around a "Stupid" sign could easily figure out.

Just some random thoughts. And all the best, whatever you elect to do.

Larry

@ Writer - Thank you for sharing your story. I have learned the hard way and I am never going to make the same mistake again. It was very naive of me.

I am glad that you and your H were able to overcome your A and make your marriage work.

I think we really don't know enough of the story to be very helpful here.

You said less than a year ago, you had the "wedding of your dreams" and that you were happy. Then, about 9 months later, you were unhappy and entered into two separate A's. What happened during those nine months that suddenly caused you to be so unhappy in this relationship?