MIM - I think you are right. I did not tell my other friends about the affairs as I knew they would be furious with me. Those friends are my real friends.

*****edit*****

@ Bubbles - No Kidding!

Hey BN, Tom chimed in with a little more blunt version of what I was trying to tell you.



Thus my point again. Even though the marriage is doomed, take this opportunity, like so many of us other horn brothers, to take a personal inventory of your own shortcomings and fix 'em.

Larry

Well hamster, your time in the barrel would appear to be nearing the end. BN has left us. Those who wanted to beat you up or offer advice have more or less stopped. All the best.

Larry

Larry, he should never have joined this thread. I hope he starts his own.

Could you pop over to your thread in Divorce, please?

Hi hampster,
Well, it is obviously your call and his.
I am biased after 40 yrs. of marriage. Unless there are really serious issues like abuse, criminal behavior, etc., imho if I were in your shoes, and I am not, I would call for a time out. I say that because despite the recent and early-on affairs, you two have been married only a short time, and all of this has happened almost too swiftly. I realize that you two have been together 7 or so years, but married like 1 yr.

I am thinking of a time out via a trial separation. It could turn out to be...and am thinking of your H....like the place kicker who is brought in with 2 seconds left to kick a game-winning field goal. He seems so ready, but the other team calls a time out. The kicker is trying to keep his focus during that, but the crowd is now roaring, and when he comes back onto the field, his focus has been interrupted by the time out and the crowd. He shanks the kick far to the left, and guess what, game still on!

I know, a very simplified version of the dynamics of a relationship, but as Howard Cossel always use to say, sports is a microcosim of life!

Rhanks

*******edit***********

Larry - I do take responsibility for 50% of our initial issues. I understand my faults and that was one of the reason why I had made a 360 and was still willing to forgive the first affair.

I was also unhappy in the marriage for reasons that I might put on a separate post, some of these reason lead me to act in a way that contributed to wife's complaints, but never once did I let my unhappiness lead me into an affair or to severally lie to my wife.

I always felt we would somehow work through it. I guess it was immature thinking on my part, but trust me I know my short comings and have learned many lessons.

Betrayed Neto,

Welcome to MB, sorry you have to be here.

It really would be much better if you had your own thread, separate from Hamster's. Do you know how to make one or would you like a mod or someone to start one for you?

@ Tom2010 - Thanks, I want to work it out. It's up to my H now and as I said before---I know what I did was a terminal mistake. It's up to him now so all I can do is wait and see.

*edit*

*edit*

LOL - I did not notice how similar our writing styles were until now---but no we are two different people so apology accepted. I am a creative person, but even I could not dream up a bizarre argument with myself.

Hamster,

You have said a few things that I thought interesting. You stated your parents divorced and you survived fine. Given your lack of boundaries and the consequential affairs I would say you didn't do as well as you think emotionally. You might have done well intellectually, financially, but emotionally??? NO!

You have said repeatedly this is up to your H. I say you are wrong. This is as much up to you as it is him. I have been on this site a long time and when I read I know you haven't even taken step one. It is not up to your H to tell you how to behave. It is not up to your H to tell you how to treat him. It is not up to your H to tell you how to meet his needs. IT is up to you to find out the information you are missing and decide how you want to conduct your life.

If trying out a new guy in bed is important to you, then by all means end the marriage. If not acting in a loving way toward your H is how you want to be, then by all means divorce.

You mentioned when someone asked about what casued you to do this that you wouldn't make excuses. There re reasons and their are excuses. We need reasons to start to help you.

Let me ask you this questions: What was the problem in your life and marriage that overwhelmed your boundaries and coping skill to the extent that you had two affairs in less than a year of marriage?

You need to address this and your H needs to hear it. In the effort of recovery several things need to happen. You need to discover your weaknesses and your lack of boundaries and you need a plan to protect those. You need to discover how to communicate wiht your H, and you then need a plan to address your marriage and your role in it. Your H needs to know that you have a plan of action, otherwise he is just drifting in the sea of "trust me" He cannot trust you know, but he can trust when your actions match your stated plan. Now he has data not just words. To develop a plan you need to know where you are, and where you want to be...in detail.

Think about it.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL for your advice.

I wrote down my reasons earlier in the post, but I know this thread is long so you may have missed it. Or maybe you read those reasons and believe there is more to it?

I have taken some steps and here is what I have done:
- Read the content of this website.
- Complete NC with both men, wrote NC letter and sent it
- Exposed affairs to both Families
- Agreed to monitoring of all computer accounts- gave all passwords
- Agreed to GPS monitoring on my cell phone
- Agreed to not go out with my friends without my husband and have not gone out with friends since January.
- Agreed to not work past a certain hour
- Agreed to logging of all my website activity
- Taken MB quiz and reading the books
- Thought about my H's emotional needs and tried to fulfill them. I made a good effort to be a recreational companion lately and planned some fun activities. I am trying to build honesty/openness via the forms of monitoring above. I am changing my sexual behavior to his liking and trying to do things he finds "sexy". I have been more affectionate with my husband. Those are just some examples.

I am not saying that I've done everything and I know I have a long way to go---but I think I have at least taken a first step. He has told me what how he wants me to treat him and I am trying. I can only continue to try.

And I also started to draft a marriage plan and we have all the MB books---which I have started to read (not finished).

No--I can't blame my emotional problems on my parents. I disagree with people who try to blame their actions on such things.

I guess what I am trying to get at when I say "it is up to him" is that I am taking steps (see above), but a marriage is recovered by two people, not one. I can continue to try, but the other person in the marriage needs to be a willing participant. If not, then any efforts to try will fail. I've read the MB content and it is pretty clear that the efforts cannot be completely one sided (i.e. only me).

Time to stay off each other's threads.

Ham, I hope you don�t mind, but I�m going to hijack just a little.

Would someone try to explain to me what is wrong with me that I would consider taking Hamster back if I was BetrayedNeto? (Not that I would blame him if he didn�t, and of course it would be with strict consistent adherence to specific conditions)

I realize:
Two A�s within a year of marriage. Lied about second. Bragged to friend. Walked all over marriage vows, etc, etc. I got all that and the rest of it. Huge mistakes made.

However:
Totally repentant WS (man, I wish I could get some of that where I live)
Took initiative with finding MB, sending NC letters, Exposing self to families and friends, is reading MB books and absorbing material; willing to counsel with Harleys (I think that was said). Willing to learn from mistakes. Extraordinary Precautions in place.
7 year history with the man, including raising a child who he evidently adores.

Maybe I�m crazy, but what I�m more concerned about is that I�m missing some MB principles in spite of considerable reading (and enduring hell) for the last 6 months.

Thanks Hamster and Neto for letting me in.

Optimism