Thanks for all the suggestions...I am going to read through them all again. For now, I will try to answer some of the questions:

OW's husband has a police record as recent as 2years ago. No domestic disturbance is on his record but other violent acts. OW never told my WH that she was abused. She is a strong, highly intelligent woman so it is hard to believe and I assume she would have said something if that were the case--- but you never know. I worry more about what he would do to my WH.

Yes, I have told our close friends and families. His mom is very upset because she and I are very close. She cried and said she didn't raise him to be this way. She wants to help. Everyone wants to help. His friends (all but the one single guy) are very concerned with how he has changed. They see it too. He has pulled away from all of them but that started to change as we were in plan A (before this most recent discovery of contact).

I understand that most EA are actually PA, but haven't found any proof of it and he is insisting it didn't go that far. So for now, I am trying to get to the truth and see what trickles out.

As of now, I am still in plan A. He is saying he is sorry and wants to do the counseling so we can save our family. The problem I am having is that I thought plan A was going well-- we were having lots of talks and laughs and he was reconnected and just making progress...BUT he was really still in contact and that really hurts. So he closed the gmail account but how do I really know he didn't just create a different one or develop another way to communicate?

He uses his iphone all the time and wouldn't just trade with me. He has all his contacts in there and friends and work related people email and text him through his phone. Something for me to think about though.

It seems through gmail when you delete something it is truly gone forever-- unless there is some computer folks who can tell me differently. It would really show me if he truly came clean abut everything if I could see those private emails.

Thanks again. I'm listening to any suggestions you guys have.

A few more questions:
Can't he see a keylogger installed on his computer. He is very computer savy and I am not. Wouldn't the virus protection and spyware stuff block it?

Where do I get a GPS for his cell and car? I would have to pay cash.

Also...He knows about MB and the site but hasn't read anything. I printed the stuff out that we needed to read about the basic concepts and take the questions, etc. He said he'd talk to Dr Harley but again he hasn't actually been to this site. I haven't talked to him about "plan A" in those words. I just did it.

Probably NOT. We haven't had anyone detect eblaster. HOWEVER, when you install it, run his spyware program and if it detects it, that is an easy fix to just click on it and tell it to ignore the program. elblaster will email you reports daily, hourly completely undetectable so you just have to get on his computer ONCE to install it. It is real easy to install and takes under 5 minutes. You can get it here: spectorpro.com


Flexispy is a GPS that and it tracks calls and text messages on a cell phone. It is at flexispy.com

Call the Harleys, make the appointment, tell your WH when it is.

If he won't give you his cell phon so that you can get the flexispy on there, you can also buy one at Target. It is about 100$. you would have to hide it in the car but you could follow him in realtime online. Downside is you would have to charge it every 4-5 days, I think.

Re the gmail account, did you check the trash?

Is there a store that would have the elblaster? If I pay by credit card he will see the charge. I could check Staples??

As for the flexispy, I will look into it. I have access to his phone for short periods. I should be able to figure it out.

As for his gmail account- the secret one-- yes, he deleted everything from in box, out box, trash, and all mail. He closed the account since its only purpose was to have secret contact. However, can't I get it off his hard drive? I've seen the police do stuff like that in criminal cases, at least on TV. I could pay someone to do it. It wouldn't even need to be a secret. I told him I want to see those emails.

I am sorry MBJG, my last post was sloppy. Probably shouldn't post when I am also working!

What I was referring to instead of the flexispy was only for GPS. Flexispy would be the best thing for you since you could then see what is being sent along w/GPS...

Re the credit card, can you use your credit card to buy one of those Visa gift cards to purchase the eblaster with? I am not sure if they sell eblaster in a brick and mortar store...

OK
Where do you get a visa gift card?

I'm not sure if I should post this question under a new thread or keep it here so you all have the background info.
So let me know what works best.


Things seem to be going well. We are in plan A and he seems to be taking a sincere interest in getting us back on track. I suppose time will tell if he is sincere and truly in recovery this time.

My question is that my husband has a work related conference he wants to attend (feels he should be there) in early June. It is in CA and we live on the east coast and it is during our anniversary. He asked me to go with him and leave the kids at home. I was excited about this. We haven't ever left the kids overnight.We don't have family nearby but I have friends and I think I can find someone to take our kids for us.
However, doing this also means he is going to be busy at the seminar from 8-5 or 6? in the evening. So it isn't exactly a romantic vacation for us. We could go out in the evenings. I could be a part of his work and meet many colleagues and such.

The other issue at hand, is my husband has a big race scheduled later in June. He mentioned that maybe he should go alone (or with his Dad) and so he can just focus on the race without the arrangements of 3 young kids. He suggested we take a different family vacation that doesn't involve flying anywhere.He would still go to this race on his own if we don't all go, and we would plan another family trip.

I think we should all go on this trip. I told him we want to be included in it and support him so I want time to think about what he suggested while he thinks of what I said.

I guess my question is how to navigate the POJA and the idea I read on this forum somewhere about not being apart overnight/separate vacations. My husband did not cheat while away (he had an EA with someone locally that he got to know quite well)
What concerns me is the "growing apart" and independent behaviors.

I want him to participate in these events in a way that nourishes him so he feels supported and encouraged to meet his personal goals--AND our marriage and family is strengthened and bonded by them. So that is the balance I seek.

What are your thoughts/feedback for me? I just want to get clear on what I'm asking and doing as we begin to discuss these plans.

I love eblaster. It is great.

I had to open a secret bank account. Then I created a Paypal account linked to that account. I then was able to buy eblaster online undetected.

There are probably easier ways but that's how I did it without it showing on the credit card.