Thanks Scott.

Moving on with improving myself. While, I still want to save my marriage, I've come face reality that it may never happen. I still have hope, but I'm not dwelling on it. I moving forward with my life and if she decides to come back to the marriage great, if not then oh well. I know this may be selfish, but I feel like I can't put any more effort into my marriage than I all ready have, I'm broken and tired, I don't have much more to give. What little I have left for my marriage, I'm saving for if and when WW comes back. So right now, its all about me, fixing me, making a better me.

Become the best H you can be. This is your opportunity to change things for yourself and for the M.

Look at what you know or think are her top EN's and concentrate on those first. Concentrate on getting rid of completely the LB's.

One thing I keep noticing is your action towards trying to curb her behavior. You have NO control over her. If she wants to get on WOW, she will find a way. You can make it difficult for her...i.e. no longer finance it, get rid of the credit card that pays for her account, get rid of the computer, etc.

begin to think of WOW as a drug or alcohol. How are you helping her get her drug, and how are you keeping her from her drug. You can't get rid of the supply, but you don't have to help her, and you can't control her choice to seek out her drug.

Yeah, I know it's like a drug. I was addicted to the game as well, twice. Both times I realized what it was doing to our marriage and I quit playing. You're right I have no control over what she does, especially now that she is no longer living in the house. I have made it as difficult for her as I can for her to play WoW, first I didn't install it on her computer when I wiped it and reinstalled Windows before she left. After I found out she reinstalled it, I told her that she needs to either cancel the account or change the credit card that it is charged to, as the account that it is currently drawing it from is empty and I will not be putting any more money into said account. Other than that there isn't a whole lot I can do.

As far as her EN's, I haven't been able to get her to go through the EN worksheet from MB. However, we did go through the 5 Languages of Love worksheet a few months ago (basically the same idea as Dr. Harley's EN's, but there are only 5). The problem with this is that her top 2 love languages (EN's) are affection and words of affirmation. Now the words of affirmation I can do, I can tell her on the phone/e-mail/IM how beautiful she is and things like that. The affection (which was the higher of the two) can't really be done long distance, it requires an amount of physical contact (touch on the hand, welcome home kiss, etc). So needless to say this a difficult one.

The LB's I've pretty much elimated, though it's difficult at times and there have been some slips, not lately but a couple days before she left. We got into an "screaming" argument, and I had to call out "4 Horseman" (Dr. Gottman (sp?)) and remove myself from the argument. Only problem was that she followed me outside and continued yelling at me, and giving me a hard time about smoking a cigarette to calm down.

OK, had a relapse in Plan A last night.....

Was talking to wife on the phone and we got into some "relationship" talk. When she left she said she would be coming back around the first of May. I knew at the time this was pretty much BS, that it was just her attempt at making her feel better by trying to make me feel better. Anyway last night she made the comment that right now she doesn't want to come home. Got into talking about it and I know she's been dealing with some anger issues towards me. I know one of the big ones and a couple of the smaller (though still big) issues. But she indicated that those weren't the only things she was angry about and she can't get over the anger. I asked her what else and she said she doesn't feel comfortable talking to me about them. Don't I have a right to know why she's angry at me? Aren't I the one that's supposed to be angry? Maybe I'm just too forgiving, probably because of my renewed faith life, but I still think I have a right to know....

Anyway, while I had a slight relapse in Plan A, we were able to conduct the conversation in civilized manner. No LB's, calm voices, no yelling or accusing.

Tresmal- IMHO I think that part of why your WW can't explain why she is angry with you is because she honestly doesn't know. You see when a BS is in Plan A the WS gets confused. They thought the BS was the WORST person on the planet. Then the BS shows them that even though the WS has hurt them in the most HORRIBLE way, they are nice, calm and even NOT the worst person on the planet. The WS starts to doubt their decisions. They get MAD at THEMSELVES. They can't be mad at themselves so they turn it on to the BS. The BS must be doing this to them. Somehow it's the BS's FAULT that they feel this way. She needs to engage you in an argument so she can justify her decisions and say to herself, "See, he is BAD for me. I knew I WAS RIGHT."

Fog babble.

You should read the threads about reverse fog babble and learn how to use it. You also have to understand that what she says is FOG BABBLE and you shouldn't really pay too much attention. She is the teacher from peanuts, "Wah wah wah wah wah."

Ditto what Scotty said. WW is angry at you because your Plan A is having an effect on her. She's angry because you're making it difficult for her to paint you as the ogre in all this. That pretty much leaves her looking like a fool and a scumbag. Who wouldn't be hostile?

GREAT job on controlling the LBs, especially AOs. That would have given her all kinds of "proof" about how horrible you are. If you can avoid relationship talk altogether, it would be even better, but sometimes the WS brings it up and the best you can do is control LBs and change the subject as quickly as possible. Maybe instead of pursuing her "I'm angry at you", just deflect with "I am confident we can build a strong and fantastic marriage. Oh, did I tell you about the squirrel I saw in the park yesterday? That thing was insane..."

Anyway, your Plan A is working. Good job with that, I know you were discouraged a while back. Keep focusing on your long term goal and not your short term feelings (or hers).

Keep up your Plan A, you are doing very well.

Good point Scott. I like the reference to Peanuts... I'll have have to take a look at the reverse fog babble, I remember reading it while back, but I think I need a refersher. One of the other things to keep in mind (and this is probably partly fog babble) is that she has Cystic Fibrosis, which is a terminal disease. One of things she mentioned last night was "I'm 29 years old and the life expectancy of someone with CF is 35 (not sure if that was the right age) and I don't want to spend the last few years of my life miserable." So she has a little bit of "death" complex going on right now too. When she said this, I told her "Your not dying anytime soon, I won't let that happen. I don't won't you to be miserable, I don't want to be miserable. Do you think I would be working as hard as I am to save our marriage if I thought we would both be miserable?" Probably not the wisest comment, but that's what was going through my head at the time and sometimes I have a problem with the filter between brain and mouth.

Thanks Turtle.

I was having some issues yesterday (still somewhat discouraged), but I talked to my priest before I talked to her last night and he was able to calm me down and prevent me from doing something stupid. I was kinda at the end of my rope yesterday and was about to give her an ultimatum that she needed to make a decision to stay or go by Sunday. He was able to basically convince me to continue with Plan A (though he's not completely familiar with MB principles, he has the basic concepts).

Eh...Getting discouraged again. Plan A seems to be failing again. Yeah, I know she's gonna go in and out. Talked to her last night, and we always pray before we get off the phone. Up until last night we've both prayed for God to watch over our marriage to give it strength and patience. Last night when WW prayed she purposefully didn't pray for our marriage (i.e. her prayers are usually pretty standard, prays for the same things every night, last night where whe would usually pray for our marriage there was a long pause and then she ended her prayer).

Maybe I'm reading too much into it. WW has her first appointment with the psychologist today to work on her anger issues she has for me. Don't know if that's going to help any.

My only problem now is that I'm not sure if I want her to come back. I do love WW, and if she did decide to come back I probably would let her (provided she abides by my conditions to come home), but every day that goes by I'm leaning closer and closer to Plan B/Plan D. I'm starting to enjoy my life now, working out at the gym has been a lot of fun (painful, but fun), and I'm starting to get the rest of my life back in order.

I don't feel like I "need" her around as much as I thought I did a few weeks ago. Though I'm still having issues with laundry .... I do it but then I forget to take it out of the dryer, or I take it out, put it in the laundry basket and forget to put it away. Was one of my WW's biggest pet peaves when we were dating. Funny thing is the house stays much cleaner with her gone.

Oh, well guess it's just a wait and see now.

You absolutely can NOT judge the success/failure of your efforts by what she says when she is not committed to the marriage.

You are reacting to her. You need to focus on your plan, and consistency over time, regardless of what she does.

So... forget about the prayer thing.

How are you doing at meeting her ENs?
What challenges have you faced with that since she moved away, and how have you handled them? Are there any you need help with?

What LBs are you finding it most difficult to conquer?

Are you snooping? Any gut feeling that she's in contact or wayward?

Focus on THAT stuff. Be the lighthouse and let her be the floundering boat. The lighthouse doesn't run over and stand on a different rock just because the boat got tossed around a bit.

I know... Just kinda venting frustration. Trying to forget about the prayer thing.


Having a really difficult time meeting her ENs. With her away, we only talk once a day and it's usually only for 10 to 15 minutes. It's difficult to meet her ENs as affection is a big one and I can't be affectionate over the phone. Plus when I do say things like "I think your the most beautiful person in the world." etc. She ends up telling me to stop because it makes her feel unconfortable.


LBs aren't a real problem. I've been able to really control what I say to her on the phone. I always keep a calm and steady voice. Don't get into blaming her or demeaning her (though the thoughts have crossed my mind).


As much as I can. Think I got caught this weekend as I accidently forgot to set one of her facebook messages to unread. Shortly after she changed the password to her facebook account, it only took me one try to figure out the new password though. I have my suspicions that she is still in contact either with the original OM or possible other OM's. She has not removed the original OM from her facebook account nor her AIM account. Her AIM account has 4 or 5 other people on it that I don't know and can't seem to get any information on. The message that I read on her FB account, was to another guy that she went to church with a while back, before we met. Guy is from Canada, the messages were just catching up, but then she started telling him that she was back in OK, because she is temporarily separated from her husband because we have a lot of issues in our marriage. So, it's the possible making of another EA, as this guy is single.

Should have installed EBlaster on her computer before she left, but didn't have the time.

Plan A is not about getting her to do something or another, Plan A is simply exposure of the A and a negotiation to end the A. You begin in this stage to learn about ENs and to fill up her LB$ and cut out the LBs. You become a better H.

OK, so affection and affirmation are her 2 biggies. You CAN provide affection long range by providing a picture or feeling in her mind. Describe touch, caressing, and affection you miss or like, or wish you could do.

Please don't refer to Plan A "working" or not. That is not what it is about, it is not a manipulation to make her act a certain way. It is a new way to act and view your M so as she continues with her A, and faces more reality, she sees what she is losing.

It's too easy to quit moving forward and being the best H you can be if you think it's not "working". That just means these changes you are making are not permanent and you are only going through the motions until she comes back.

Think of the changes you are making as long-term permanent changes for yourself and your M.

Well found out this morning she is now talking to one of her ex-boyfriends. Found the messages on her facebook account and it was mentioned that he called her last night and that her mom noticed the difference in her after talking to him.

OM is not married. Though he is the youth leader in his congregation and lives in Ontario.

Do I expose all over again or do I go to Plan B or Plan D? Seems like she's never going to get out of this habit of taking solice in other men online. I'm at my wits end, I can't Plan A anymore. So it's either B or D? Personally I'm leaning towards D for the fact that this has been a repeated problem throughout our 7 year marriage and I don't think she's going to change. I talked to an attorney last week, just to get an idea of where I would stand and what I'm responsible for during the separation. Basically, OH has a one year separation rule, with a few excepetions, one being adultery (though she was sure an EA would be considered). However, she did say that one of the other exceptions is abandonment, which is what WW did. Provided, WW doesn't fight she can have the dissolution of our marriage completed in 35 days. Also said WW really wouldn't get anything, the judges in our county are not favorable to spousal support, plus our marriage is considered short term so probably wouldn't be considered anyway. If she did get any spousal support it wouldn't be much and it wouldn't be for very long (maybe a couple months).

I wish I could have saved this marriage, I really do, but I just don't think at this point it's possible. I've lost so much of the feeling I have for her and her continued actions are taking too much of an emotional toll on me. I'm ready to move on if she doesn't want to come back to the marriage.

Oh I know it's not me.

I wish I could have been another MB success story, but it's not looking that way right now.

Okay, excuse me if this seems a little like a 2x4, it isn't intended that way.

You are in Plan A. You are deciding between Plan B or D. Well, you are following DrH's concepts so why not Plan B?

Have you read SAA?

Dr H has a 2 part PLAN. The first part in Plan A. This is a temporary sitch and it only works by itself 15% of the time. Did you think going in you would be lucky enough to be in that 15%? So after the Plan A, you are supposed to move to Plan B. There is a time limit for Plan B as well. Dr H had suggested 2 years. After 2 years of Plan B it is HIGHLY UNLIKELY that a M would/could be R. NOT IMPOSSIBLE. The end of Plan B is when one of 2 things happen, D or R. Personally I would stay in Plan B for my allotted amount of time,even if my WH filed for and got a D. I would need to personally R and it would be too painful to deal with WH.

So my answer to your question of Plan B or D, I say B.

Since you are still currently in Plan A, I would expose. I would expose on HIS side too. That's just ME.

Are you smarter than Dr H? Even he says he can't tell who will recover and who won't. That's why I try to help everyone. Who knows what will happen? I know I don't know everything.

Everything that happens is dependent on a lot of factors.

See here's the problem with Plan B.....

WW has cystic fibrosis and runs up thousands of dollars in medical bills every year. In Plan B, I would still be responsible for those bills...Sucks I know. But she's on my insurance and doesn't have any of her own (yet), and by law as long as we're still married I have to provide medical insurance for her as well as be financially responsible for any of her medical bills. Plus, if I wait two years our marriage would be considered mid term and she would be more apt to receive spousal support at that point.

While I do still love her in some way, I'm not sure I love her enough to let her destroy me financially.

Sounds like you have already made your decision. There are many people who can help you will that.

If you have no children and this has been an on going problem, I think Plan D is appropriate in this case. Recovery is tough. And I thought I had read here in the past, in the case of a short term marriage with no children, Dr. H sometimes recommends D.