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We finally got divorced. She has since remarried to someone she met. We have a child, joint custody and time sharing.
The new guy is jealous. He wants to limit contact between EX and me to a bare minimum, if that. He blows up every time the Ex and I talk. Our child has issues, couple of handicaps. He is acting out at school. This is not a good thing. He is 7. He is both ADHD and a Hirschsprungs kid.
Given that most of my time on this forum was on the infidelity portions, I don't really know much about divorce guidelines. I do know that we have a child. I don't know what limitations on contact between the Ex and me I should consider normal and what is the new guy acting inappropriately in a controlling context.
I do know they are already in MC and IC.
I am so lost on what is and isn't appropriate. And how to handle it if I did know.
Larry
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Under some circumstances, you could consider using an intermediarry, similar to those who are in Plan B. I'm not sure if this would be suitable or even appropriate for you since your son has issues that clearly require you and your ex to be able to communicate. I guess this leads into what disturbs me the most in that the new H's jealousy is extremely inappropriate and, frankly, downright frighening. Even if he was the OM in her infidelity, that she has contact with you regarding the child has been a fact the entire time he was "dating" (I use that term loosely), engaged and married to her. She didn't just come home one day an announce she had a child and an ex she shares custody with!
As far as divorce guidelines or laws go, that is going to vary depending on where you live. Where I live, a step parent or OP has no bearing on custody whatsoever - unless they may be a danger to the child. What constitutes a danger according to the courts may not necessarily include upsetting the boy to the point where he's having trouble in school - but I can't say for sure about that. In any event, you should be documenting every single instance your son acts out, as well as every interaction you have with your ex, and any time you learn of an incident involving her H blowing up.
Do you think there is any chance this guy could become violent or abusive in any way? You see the situation, I don't, but from what you've briefly written this is what frightens me the most.
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This is why most relationships born from infidelity fail. He feels insecure about your EX talking to you, because he knows she is willing to get a divorce if something better comes along. You were her husband for years and have a history and a son together. He has reasons to worry. You and her will be co-parenting for years, and it tears at him. TOO BAD! He chose to get involved with someone who had a family.
Do whats best for your son. If he blows up at your son, get social services and the courts, and even the police if there are concerns, involved. Protect your son.
If he blows up at you, ignore him, he has no value in your world, however if it gets threatening, work with the police and the courts.
If he is blowing up at your Ex, sorry, but she is not your concern anymore, let her decide what she wants to do about his inappropriate behavior.
I am sorry your family got broken as mine is. God will turn even this into something good, just wait and pray, he really does know and loves you.
Bh-me-45
xWW- 45
Married 15years, together for 20
served D papers on 6/2/09
Divorce final 12/19/2010
Custody of our 3 kids
DD 12
DS 10
DD 7
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Terrific answers, both of you. Thank you.
Addressing concerns:
I have a friend who is a just retired registered play therapist - supervisor level. He has been my friend since high school, which was a long time ago. He and my Ex talk from time to time and he provides some level of help to her in understanding, but there is a limit how far he can go due to ethics.
He and I talk over the phone almost daily as much to keep our friendship going as anything. I am very fortunate to have him as a friend. He taught me how to deal with ADHD. I have become quite good at it, so he says. He is also very impressed with the MB program although he is not a marriage counselor and after some of the things he had to deal with from referrals from MHMR during his tenure as RPT-S, wants no part in marriage counseling.
I worried about the new guy's threat level. My Ex has said she isn't worried. He yells but doesn't hit, apparently. He was not the guy in her affair. And yes, he knew all about me before he asked to marry her. He just doesn't like it and is jealous.
And I don't understand that. I am no threat to him at all. I am an older guy who probably shouldn't have married her in the first place. But it did last almost ten years, so there is that.
He does know about her affair.
We have joint custody and a time sharing arrangement. We live in Texas but the divorce was in Kentucky. Long story on that.
My view is that she is a good person who has made bad decisions. I do know that she is a really, really good RN who gets very high marks from her employer.
Thanks for letting me vent and thank you so much for your help.
Larry
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Larry, I think this might have been the first time you revealed that your X had remarried. My response to your question is quite different from the other responses here.
I have read your statements about your "enormous affection" for each other on various threads. I think that you might be maintaining a friendship with your X that interferes in her marriage. I think you should end this friendship, regardless of how warmly you feel towards each other. You should be staying well away from her now that she is married.
Dr Harley says that there should be no friendships between Xs in a marriage. Her H has every right to be jealous of any and all conversations you have with his wife that are not strictly about managing your son. Indeed, I think he has a right to be present at all conversations, given that there should be no privacy in a marriage.
Why do you and your wife need to talk often, or at all, really? What you do you need discuss about your son's medical condition and treatment? Details of medication and hospital appointments can be dealt with very briefly. You could attend hospital appointments, and then maintain his regime at your home while she maintains it at hers.
Of course, I realise that I know don't what involved in the treatment of his conditions, but I hope that you can see the general point I'm making about parenting him separately as far as possible. You two are no longer a team; you chose not to be.
If he is "acting out" at school, you could talk to the teachers separately; they are used to dealing with divorced parents. Alternatively, you could have joint teachers' meetings where her H is also always present.
I know that you have to be consistent in your treatment of his behavioural problems; I have a son with mild behavioural problems, and consistency is key, but you can learn the strategy together at a meeting with a professional and then apply it in your separate homes.
What length and level of conversations are you having now? Are they always ONLY about your son, or do they stray into chat and catching up? Could you carry out any NECESSARY conversations about your son by email, so that your X can set up an account that her H has full access to?
Really, you should be respecting her new marriage and not maintaining closeness with her. It does not matter that you would not have an affair with her. It does not matter that her H knew she had a son, who has various conditions, before he married her. That prior knowledge does not mean that he signed up to having you in his marriage. He does not have to edge you out of your son's life but he has every right not to want you to be friends with his wife.
I have a suspicion, from the little I know of your wife, that she shouldn't have married so soon. If I remember correctly, before you she did not show good judgement in relationships, and then she showed very bad judgement by having the affair. Didn't you say recently that she still leans on you? Certainly she talks to you about her marriage, which is wrong. Perhaps she is not over you. What ever the truth of that, this marriage seems to have had a troubled start.
It might well fail; let's hope not, but it should not do so in any way because of you.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Let me give you some answers tomorrow. You took the time to write a very good and lengthy point of order and I need to do the same with my reply. Right now I am tired and need to go to bed.
Thanks SC
Larry
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Before I got to bed, help me out with something. My Harley books I left with Ex to help her in any future relationships. I have not replaced them because of my budget constraints. I have searched all the stuff on this site and haven't found Dr. Harley's discussion but have dim memories of what he said. If it is here, could you point me to them. If in one of his books, then I need to know which one.
My kid has several handicaps. He is ADHD and Hirschsprungs each with specific needs. Frankly, when we mutually pulled back to honor what I believed to be Dr. Harley's comments, our child really suffered. We have had to have much more frequent conversations to keep him on an even keel. The school simply will not honor her new husband's input as a matter of policy and that drives him crazy. Oh well, I need to go to bed.
Larry
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Thank you SC for taking the time to write your thoughts. I am going to organize my thoughts inside your post and conclude outside if there is anything left of me by then.  I have been waiting for MHMR to elevate me to the top of their list for help so I could begin my attempt to deal with all of the stuff that has happened over the past year. I just heard yesterday that I am now fifth on their list. That is encouraging. It all started with a move from old town in Texas back to where X was raised in Kentucky. This because her father was dying and she wanted to be with him. Larry, I think this might have been the first time you revealed that your X had remarried. My response to your question is quite different from the other responses here.
I have read your statements about your "enormous affection" for each other on various threads. I think that you might be maintaining a friendship with your X that interferes in her marriage.
I agree with exceptions, which I will detail. My X is an RN. She is a good one. When we first split, I still was around to help as needed to deal with the simple fact that she works nights and with a single income (at the time), had difficulties meeting her obligations. While it might seem as if that would be her problem, when it comes to the kid's needs, I just don't always exercise the best of interpersonal judgment dealing with the X.
So I helped as best I could while at the same time trying to move on with my emotions. One of the parts of our divorce was to maintain a level of communication that would take into account our son's special needs. More later on that. We were living in KY and she had relatives there, so my help centered around dealing with my son and the other two from her previous marriage either went to their Father's or with her sister. I did stay somewhat in the two older kid's lives.
Given her scheduling issues where she worked, we had to maintain frequent communication to sort when and what in dealing with our son's school. Once she found a guy, I backed way off after meeting him, and then just waited to see what would happen. It didn't work out after she moved in with him, hauling the kids behind her, and after two weeks, she moved back out.
I think you should end this friendship, regardless of how warmly you feel towards each other. You should be staying well away from her now that she is married.
Would that it were that easy. I totally agree, yet was presented with a difficult situation. My son comes first with me. The new guy, the one found after the first one bit the dust, quickly made it clear that I was not welcome in any shape or form. I accepted that because of all the things I learned on MB over the years. I did worry about son and the other two, but held my tongue. I dealt with the school as a single parent and seldom talked to my X unless compelled to because of son. The conversations were held to strictly business. New guy made her life hell every time such a communication was needed and relatives do not and did not have the capacity to act as an intermediary.
Then we moved back to Texas. Some of the move was, by necessity, part of a joint venture between all of us for money reasons. We simply didn't have the money for each to move independently. New guy made my life a living hell during the move because of the results of poor planning on his part and I just bit my tongue and went with the flow. This is not my nature. But I am reasonably proud of the fact I could do it. We arrived at the old town where the old house was waiting. I should mention that I had to loan my X the money to save the house from being repossessed by the lender. I used the last of my stash to do that and help with the move for us all. New guy did not like that one little bit, but since he seemed unable to sell off any of his stuff, it was what it was. He has two motorcycles and a six wheeler, any of which would have sold for enough to take care of them, yet he seemed unable to close a sale. I began to suspect she had found another loser.
Dr Harley says that there should be no friendships between Xs in a marriage. Her H has every right to be jealous of any and all conversations you have with his wife that are not strictly about managing your son. Indeed, I think he has a right to be present at all conversations, given that there should be no privacy in a marriage.
I agree for the most part. Dr. Harley is well aware that most people do not have the capacity to maintain friendship between the sexes except at the most arm's length condition. Unfortunately for my son, there started to be issues with the simple fact New Guy hasn't a clue how to handle an ADHD kid. Not only was he present at all conversations (nearly 100% over the phone), but he had an input that was counterproductive and, as I learned, had revealed a side of himself that would fit into a couple of the categories found in the Duluth Wheel of Abuse.
That was my wife's problem. Yet it had become my son's problem as well.
Why do you and your wife need to talk often, or at all, really? What you do you need discuss about your son's medical condition and treatment? Details of medication and hospital appointments can be dealt with very briefly. You could attend hospital appointments, and then maintain his regime at your home while she maintains it at hers.
Without question, your suggested actions are dead on correct, but turned out to be dead on arrival in the reality of who this new guy turned out to be. The two other kid's grades started to go down. My son, who had done well initially in school, started having problems. I voiced my concerns and was told that New Guy was a better Dad than me and all of the kids loved him to death. Well, except my son had problems with him from time to time (spoiled was the word used by New Guy), and oldest son was acting out as teenagers are inclined to do, but they liked him better than me, so I was told. That hurt.
Note that every time I go by their house, both older kids come out of the house like they were rocket propelled and want to talk. This enrages New Guy, but he maintains his cool outwardly and takes it out on X as I learned. As it turns out, he wants to be their buddy. You know how that goes. I still maintained parent attitude.
Of course, I realise that I know don't what involved in the treatment of his conditions, but I hope that you can see the general point I'm making about parenting him separately as far as possible. You two are no longer a team; you chose not to be.
Yep, and if New Guy were to do what I did, which is to learn how to manage ADHD kids (plural), I would have no problem. X, who as I said is an RN, and knows better, appeared to be so desperate to hang on to this one that she actually changed her mind about some things in an effort to get along with him. As I said, grades went down, behavior started to be a problem and his methods were the direct cause of it all, or so it appeared. I will get into how I learned in a bit. Computer buffer problems due to length. I will have to split into two posts at this point. Larry
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Okay, now moving on. . . I don't know if it was computer buffer or I had an IE page open that was overloading the buffer. But it seems better now. My typing on screen is keeping up. If he is "acting out" at school, you could talk to the teachers separately; they are used to dealing with divorced parents. Alternatively, you could have joint teachers' meetings where her H is also always present. Tried that. Problem is that New Guy wants to have maximum input. He is clueless but likes to be the boss. He wishes I would just go away. More on this in a bit. X apparently had not read her own divorce decree. It calls for total joint custody and a time share arrangement. She told the school she was primary to get New Guy off her back and said he spoke for her. In her mind, this was necessary because of her working hours. In my mind, more attempts by her to make this one work, come hell or high water.
Eventually there was a come to Jesus meeting with the school where all of us were there and I was able to regain a measure of control by pointing out my legal role beforehand to the teacher. The come to Jesus was at my request after X and New Guy sent an email shifting blame back to the school over what son had done to get sent home one day. This is when I first found out that New Guy had been issuing instruction that countermanded my own. Arghhh.
All parties were cordial but it did not turn out well for X and New guy. As it turns out, New Guy had been ignoring the contents of the folder that he had started signing recently which had the information that son had gone from Star of the Class to problem causing. I don't see the folder because of the day it is sent home and was never told by teacher, who I was trying to maintain a relationship with, or the school Nurse, because of the misunderstanding over custody. I know that you have to be consistent in your treatment of his behavioural problems; I have a son with mild behavioural problems, and consistency is key, but you can learn the strategy together at a meeting with a professional and then apply it in your separate homes. We are fortunate. My best friend from long ago and far away as in high school is a retired MS, LPC, RPT-S. He is available to both X and myself. Matter of fact, he is living in the country in East Texas right now taking care of his elderly dad and we talk almost every day so neither of us will go crazy. If you don't know about RPT-S, let me give you the short version: In Texas, problem kids and parents are sent by MHMR to a Registered Play Therapist for help. They are like top of the heap as child therapists. The "S" means they are at supervisory level and can train interns who want to get in the field. My friend is also the top dog on the most active ADHD forum, helping others to deal with the issues of that particular disorder by providing accurate information and discounting off the wall theories that are so much a part of misunderstanding what ADHD is all about. He is very good at what he does. The forum is his need to stay involved and pass on his knowledge, although he is retired.
I should also mention that he is careful not to cross the line when it comes to helping x or myself. He acts as a friend sharing knowledge, but doesn't attempt to play the role of a therapist. He does not share with me the contents of conversations he has with X and New Guy except twice, and then for professional reasons. More on this later.
What length and level of conversations are you having now? Are they always ONLY about your son, or do they stray into chat and catching up? Could you carry out any NECESSARY conversations about your son by email, so that your X can set up an account that her H has full access to? Oh boy. My wife woke me up at 12:17AM to yell at me. New Guy egged her on. It seems that their yard is a mess and she got a ticket for it. Apparently he convince her that it was my fault. We moved her in September and he started working in the middle of February. The yard has my old stuff removed from the large shed and his stuff from his old auto repair business that wouldn't fit in the large shed (1,200 sq ft).
When I retrieved my stuff that I wanted, he told me in front of witnesses that he would dispose of the stuff I left. X had forgotten about that and was unaware that he had hauled a large number of computer cases from some friend of his in town to use with all the other stuff to have a garage sale or get gold out of it or something. Later, oldest boy confirmed all that as well as did a friend of mine who was helping me move stuff. Apparently X did not remember it until I finally got her calmed down and reminded her.
I was also accused of telling people in town that I didn't like having my son left with oldest boy (15) and daughter (13). This was not true. The real source of that story was when New Guy and X called me as they were coming back out of town to ask me to go by school and pick up daughter who had missed bus. When I got to their house, a neighbor was watching my son, who had rode the bus home to find an empty home since oldest boy had selected that particular time to go off somewhere on his own without telling anyone.
Neighbor said he had called the cops as well he should have. I called 911 lady I know and said cancel, I was there. I stayed until X and New Guy showed up, told them about neighbor and him calling the cops and then left. This was the source of the cop comment about leaving son with older kids. In fact, I have absolute confidence in daughter to watch son when X and New Guy have to go somewhere and I have said so.
But all that was forgotten in the trauma of getting the ticket and New Guy trying to blame shift. Really, you should be respecting her new marriage and not maintaining closeness with her. It does not matter that you would not have an affair with her. It does not matter that her H knew she had a son, who has various conditions, before he married her. That prior knowledge does not mean that he signed up to having you in his marriage. He does not have to edge you out of your son's life but he has every right not to want you to be friends with his wife. Yep, you are absolutely right. I did draw the line at his attempt to shove me aside in the management of my son. That is a job I share with X, legally, and his role is Step Dad, meaning what it means. I did learn during the one serious and private chat with my X over all this, that New Guy had abandoned his kids when he got a divorce. Apparently in his mind, I should have done the same thing. I could do that, but I am not able, if you know what I mean. I have a suspicion, from the little I know of your wife, that she shouldn't have married so soon. If I remember correctly, before you she did not show good judgement in relationships, and then she showed very bad judgement by having the affair. You think? 
It is called Nurse Relationship Syndrome. The school nurse and I were having a private chat about joint custody and to clear that up with her, which she said X had already backed down and revealed. She told me New Guy was pushing his way in and acting very controlling. She had been between a rock and a hard place before we got everything straight. She did drop that bomb as if talking to herself. My buddy the shrink had already told me about it. I can fill you in if you want to know. Apparently many nurses have issues with relationships enough so there is a name for it. Didn't you say recently that she still leans on you? Certainly she talks to you about her marriage, which is wrong. Perhaps she is not over you. What ever the truth of that, this marriage seems to have had a troubled start. Oh yea, just started. Then after I had heard enough, I stopped it. They are in MC and she is in IC. She likes her therapist. She called me one day out of the blue and without New Guy on the phone with her to ask if need be, would I help her with kids. Caught off guard, I said sure, I love my kids. Later on, I decided that I needed more information. Actually, I had a melt down one night that was so bad that I called MHMR the next morning to get into their program. I can only keep it inside of me so long when it comes to the kids until I go nuts. To maintain my own equilibrium, I had to know more. I found out a whole bunch of stuff, and some of it was TMI. That is when I found out about MC, IC and the possibility that New Guy would hit the road, leaving behind his pregnant wife and the mess he helped create. It might well fail; let's hope not, but it should not do so in any way because of you. Well, I agree, again. Yet in an imperfect world, we are all held hostage to many of the pst decisions we have made in life, most of which bite us in the usual spot. I guess you could call it long term consequences. And the ties of kids almost always cause at least some problems with divorce/remarriage situations. It is easy to say how things should be, especially since I have been on MB more than long enough to understand the ideals and believe in them. It is another when the artillery shells start to land around you and you have to decide what to do in the kid's best interest. Let me now share with you some anecdotes you might find useful. At one point, New Guy said he was going to beat me up. I have no clue why other than I am alive and breath the same air. I learned about that when my friend called and said that X told him. He has a professional obligation to report that, which he satisfied by telling me. As a result of the wake up call after midnight, I sent emails to my X detailing the discussion (which included him) and pointing out that I was not to blame for the humiliation of what happened to her. She went to work. While she was going to work, I got an email from her account that said, and I quote accurately within brackets, [you suck [censored]] I thought it was oldest boy, who lately has started acting out in various ways, not at me, but I thought "hmmm, first time for me huh!" So I replied by suggesting that even as a teenager, he had a better vocabulary than that and I encouraged him to find better insults. I had ratted him out to X over something he did in the email and when I wrote back to the sender in the email, I said that I ratted him out, yes, that was my job as a parent. I didn't say his parent. It was a funny email. I meant it to be funny. And I knew that he would laugh about it. Anyway, I then got back: [hey your not so smart retard , this is big Jxxx] I swear I am not making this up. The irony made me laugh. I started to correct his English and send it back, but didn't. New Guy and oldest have similar names. My X told buddy that she didn't know whether to laugh or be embarrassed. This was the second time he shared with me anything about their conversations other than his impression that she had a lot on her plate she was trying to deal with. He has been telling her for years to go get IC. Finally she is. Sugarcane, in a more perfect situation for me, there is not one single thing you said that doesn't make sense. And I am so appreciative that you have motivated me to sit down and give an overview of the imperfect world I live in and why I have sleepless nights. I have been up since 3AM constructing this post to you. It has helped me to better understand my own self. I could say more, a lot more, like how I got tied up with her to begin with, why we really divorced (affair was minor part), or where I see this playing out or maybe some detail I left out. But I have taken up enough of your time as it is. It is 6Am and I have been at it for three hours. Simply put, thank you. Larry
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Sugarcane: Finally, I tend to be a perfectionist with my typing. So I am going to apologize for some of my typos. I didn't have the heart to go back and make corrections. When I say apparently, I am stating what I pick up through various means. The only heart to heart was the single conversation when she finally detailed what was going on in her life that caused her question me about helping with the kids. Well, one other time when she said she could not talk to me even about son because New Guy made life difficult for her when we talked even on that score. I feel sorry for her, but not pity. At least I am past that. I do owe you an explanation of "Enormous affection," which I will detail if you haven't picked up enough to figure that one out anyway. I am pathetically grateful that you gave me the push to detail some of my lot in life. If I provided too much information, I will not apologize for that. Larry
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Sugarcane, in a more perfect situation for me, there is not one single thing you said that doesn't make sense. And I am so appreciative that you have motivated me to sit down and give an overview of the imperfect world I live in and why I have sleepless nights. I have been up since 3AM constructing this post to you.
It has helped me to better understand my own self. I could say more, a lot more, like how I got tied up with her to begin with, why we really divorced (affair was minor part), or where I see this playing out or maybe some detail I left out. But I have taken up enough of your time as it is. It is 6Am and I have been at it for three hours.
Simply put, thank you.
Larry Larry, I'm not sure that you should be thanking me. I've inspired you to dredge up the details of a very upsetting situation, and I've deprived you of sleep and made you unhappy whilst doing it. I really didn't mean to; I'm sorry. What
a
mess. I'll look up the Harley "no Xs" reference soon. For now, I'd just like to simplify and reiterate what I said earlier; your X is married and you should not be her friend any more. You should never stop being your son's father, of course. I can see that this giant mess is having a bad effect on all 3 kids, and you are trying to help mitigate the effects on all of them. They do not deserve this. Who would have the heart to say that you should not protect them from the consequences of her choices? However, the way in which you are doing so is involving you in her marriage, which takes me back to my main argument; you should be out of that. How can she have leapt into such trouble AGAIN, so soon after a divorce, which has an inevitable impact on children? Are you telling us that she is now pregnant? "To maintain my own equilibrium, I had to know more. I found out a whole bunch of stuff, and some of it was TMI. That is when I found out about MC, IC and the possibility that New Guy would hit the road, leaving behind his pregnant wife and the mess he helped create." Finally for now; I find your terminology revealing. You call this man New Guy throughout these 3 posts. You never once refer to him as her husband. Why not, and what does "New Guy" really mean? "Latest Guy"? "Latest easy-come-soon-to-be-gone guy"? "Not her husband; that's still me Guy?" You also once refer to her as your wife. Okay, Freud has left the building. I'm so sorry about this.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Sugarcane: I can see that this giant mess is having a bad effect on all 3 kids, and you are trying to help mitigate the effects on all of them. They do not deserve this. Who would have the heart to say that you should not protect them from the consequences of her choices? However, the way in which you are doing so is involving you in her marriage, which takes me back to my main argument; you should be out of that. Circle, circle and around we go. When we stop, nobody knows. I know no other way than I know. I am not involved in her marriage, I am not responsible for what is in her heart or the fact she is trying to use me as her safety net. Reality sucks and I am in the middle of it. Nuts! LOL, I use New Guy to differentiate him from the Other Guy, who I call the flea guy (long story). There is also Old Husband and the one who wouldn't take a bath. I lasted nine years, an Olympic record. Old Husband took off with the kids and turned me in to CPS for child abuse. Investigation cleared me completely. CPS is used to that crap. He would call up to talk to kids. After some acting out on their part, we recorded the calls. It was a Rocky Horror Show the things he said and encouraged. $10K later in Lawyer fees and a child psychologist that cost $2K, he was no longer able to see the kids except under supervised visitation because custody had moved to Texas. Her Dad while he was alive supervised. Then Old Husband tried to have her put in jail in Kentucky over custody. It went all the way to KY Supreme Court where he lost for the final time. KSC Judge asks during the hearing, "Did he really say that?" Answer by our Lawyer, who was a bargain at $5K, "Yes your Honor." End of hearing. You can see it on the web. The reality is that the KY SC didn't like the trial Judge decision or the one at the Appeallant {sp?} Court so they made up a reason of their own to rule. Funny. Well, long after the fact, funny. Now he is suing again. Not my problem. Old Husband and X owned a house together. He got it in the divorce 10 years ago. Last year he abandoned it. Lender wants X to pay for it. What a mess. Not my problem. I told her in email how to handle the custody thing. New Guy didn't like that, so he came up with a different way that didn't work. She now has lawyer who is doing it my way, cost unknown. In addition to ADHD, my son is a Hirschsprung's child. This means the his colon did not develop properly in the womb. First six months of his life was spent in and out of hospitals to first diagnose, then surgery, three times. How much stress can someone take? There are two rings to the anus. The outside one works on him. The inside one, the one that tells someone when they need to poop, doesn't. As he gets older, there are other signs he can learn from AND HE IS LEARNING. As he gets older. . . He gets teased at school, you know how cruel kids can be. Teacher is a serious pro and she mitigates in her classroom 100%. I am known as Cupcake Guy. Kids love me and that also helps. They don't want to piss off Cupcake Guy: Teacher is a pro and all over it. So it is kids from other classes who tease "Poopy Butt." My Son has to deal with: 1. Move from here to KY. 2. Divorce 3. Move from Ky to here 4. Temporary Guy (Flea Guy) 5. New Guy adjustment 6. School in KY (lots of problems) 7. School here, no problems then lots of problems. 8. Mommy and New Guy problems leading to MC and IC 9. Poopy Butt 10. ADHD issues and that would normally be enough. 11. Whatever he deals with because of Doctor visits, which he dreads. 12. New baby coming. . . big deal with all kids. My son is now seven (7). I try to be his island of peace and refuge. I know how to deal with ADHD, trust me. I have actually viewed all the Barkley stuff on CD. My brain almost exploded. Barkley is the top guy for ADHD. What a mess. Oh yes. I do the best I can. Why am I sometimes able to help someone on MD forum. I am an expert at living in a mess and I understand Dr. Harley. X asks me if she is a bad person. I say no, you are a good person who has made terrible decisions. It is all about the kids for me FROM DIVORCE FORWARD, and always will be. Bottom line: Problem for X, not my problem. Problem for kid(s), my problem. Larry
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My kid gets sent home from School. He didn't have his meds that morning. Teacher sits him down in hot seat because he is acting out. She tells Nurse to call and get meds. Nurse tries to call X, who is asleep since she has to go to work that night. No answer; calls New Guy who tells her whatever, but he can't get there until lunch time as he is working.
At lunch, my son screams out that he is going to kill them all.
Sent to Principal's office, second call to New Guy, who says same thing as before. Twelve o'clock comes and he wakes up X and they go get son and knock on my door. Leave son with me. I am shocked out of my mind. Why didn't school call me for a) meds and/or b) acting out? This is when I finally track down New Guy instructions at school to call HIM! That got cleared up as soon as I found out. Teacher had melt down over it all. Nurse is caught in middle until legal thing got spelled out for her. Now she will call or teacher will call ME if there is a problem.
Jealousy is always a choice. And sometimes the consequences can be adverse to all concerned. I told him that he had no reason to hate me, I was no threat. And I am not except in his mind. He turned into a controlling jerk. Research in his home town lately shows that is his core personality. I was curious. But I have not said a word until this post. Well, I told my buddy, who already knew it from his talks with X. He has been on her back to get IC. I have no idea how many times they talked.
She is an NNICN. This means she works with the new babies who are having problems. Her boss told her that she would never hire another Nurse who had a functioning womb. Every single Nurse who works there gets pregnant. Before NNIC, she worked as Mother/Baby nurse. She is very, very good at what she does. When she had the affair, she was almost through. She had the gift, one of her professors told me. And she does.
Larry
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Shut up Larry. . . Ok, I will now A good person who makes bad decisions. We see a lot of that on the forums. . Thanks for asking me the right questions. Larry
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I'm so sorry. Hugs, Larry. 
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Thanks, I needed that
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Larry, don't know if you remember me from a few years back. I'm really sorry to hear about
1)the dissolution of your marriage and
2)the challenges you are facing with your son.
Hirschprung's and ADHD - that's quite a combo. Given your son's health, I definitely see that there may be a need for contact w/your ex, her current H's issues with that contact notwithstanding. IMHO the needs of the child are paramount, particularly when those needs are acute.
Take care.
pk
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I realize this site is about marriage building and I understand Sugarcane's (and MB's) stance on staying out of your ex's marriage, but you have a special case here. And I am still very concerned that New Guy is/may be abusive. Here's my list of red flags:
1. Jealousy
2. Seems to be actively trying to take your place as a father
3. Threatens you
4. Yells at the kids (I know, we all yell at our kids and some people have loud voices even when they're just speaking but taken in context with everything else, I'll consider this)
5. ExW married too soon and has a history of bad relationships (i.e. she is no judge of New Guy's character and her opinion, no matter how flattering, should be discounted)
6. Your son's behavior in response to New Guy
Abuse can take many forms. Unfortunately, only physical and sexual abuse is usually acted upon by the courts. But mental abuse can be just as damaging, sometimes more so because it's far more difficult to escape from. This New Guy is throwing way too many indicators that it's simply not worth the risk to ignore it and hope he mellows out in time.
Your son needs special care and attention. This is not an option. He is not a guinea pig to experiment on. You've clearly done the research and know this.
Is there any chance at all to obtain full custody for yourself? Would your exW agree to changing the arrangement so that your son lives primarily with you?
I strongly recommend you document each and every event, conversation and encounter with your exW, New Guy, and anything that happens between them and your son (like the school issue) in the event you need evidence to have custody changed legally. I worry about your son. Don't be caught unprepared if you need to act quickly.
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Larry, your WXW reminds me very much of mine. Unfortunately for you, you and yours have children together. I only had to deal with hers from earlier Ms.
I recently had several sessions with a professional therapist -- one who has a specialty in women with personality disorders -- and she offered (as much as she could without a clinical diagnosis) that mine certainly did fit the criteria. It sounds as if yours does, too.
You might want to look into the possibility. Not that you can do anything about it, but I found the knowledge helped me deal with her behaviors ("engulfment," "enmeshment," "splitting" and other terms the "pros" use to define and describe disordered activities) and to put our relationship into its proper perspective.
I don't know if you read any of my story, but the short of it is that I am the soon-to-be former husband #4 of a woman who walked out on marriages that included children from two previous -- and who walked out on them, too. During my relationship with her she was fired from two jobs (the last was in her "true, chosen profession" - as a substance abuse counselor! It's said that many of the disordered actually seek out "helping professions"), ran up an unknown amount of debt (I am still paying off the $13,000 she ran up on one credit card as well as paying for the car I bought - into which I rolled her other car payment) and demonstrated other irresponsible behaviors.
She pronounced her strong beliefs in "having healthy boundaries," "doing the right thing," and my favorite, "being fiercely loyal." Thus, when she told me she was leaving the marriage and had taken up with another woman's husband, all I could think to say to her was, "I guess you and I have different definitions of 'fiercely loyal.'" She told me to my face that she had no regrets and no remorse. She has started her new life without a backward glance, and has not once tried to break the Plan B "no contact" clause.
I will file for divorce at the end of April - the first time Virginia law will allow. I have gone from believing her affair was the result of her chasing a fantasy to understanding that it was our marriage that was the fantasy. I now know I am far better off without her than if she were still pulling me down with her.
I feel for you, Larry. You've been a great help to a lot of people here, and yours is a glaring reminder that ALL of us are not here by choice, but by circumstance. Be strong, Larry. You are not alone.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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I am so lost on what is and isn't appropriate. And how to handle it if I did know.
Maybe take him out for a coffee.
Just the 2 of you.
Tell her H that you want to include him in all discussions between his wife (your X) and yourself.
Tell him, face to face, that although you are only having child-related discussions, you DO understand his desire to be in the loop.
You want him in the loop.
Ask that he give you his email address.
Tell her H that you will "cc" every email to him when you send something to your X.
Ask HIM how he wants emergency phone calls handled.
Give him some input.
This will disarm him.
That's my suggestion.
My first job out of school was NICU.
I loved it.
But, I eventually burnt out.
So, I went back to school.
Became RNP.
Much longer "shelf life".
Last edited by Pepperband; 03/17/10 05:22 PM.
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