*edit*



Yup. Wish Schoolbus would take a gander.

*edit*

Optimism, when a marriage has this much going against it, and nothing going for it, it is better to cut losses rather than spend enormous time and energy trying to save a very short, negative investment. There is very little history here, the small amount is all negative. The odds of this marriage making it are insurmountable. Two affairs in the first year of marriage along with the curse of having lived together beforehand pretty much doom this.

p.s. somewhere - I can't think where - Dr Harley even suggests that if there are no children, that the best path is to just divorce.

Thanks Mel,
I didn't realize the 6 years living together was a "curse." I'll have to research this for my own understanding. I don't want to bog down the thread with my stuff, but this certainly gives me some insight into my own situation.

The learning continues.

~opt

@optimism - check here: Living Together Before Marriage Letter #1

There are more letters in the Q&A session.

excellent, thanks bb.

*edit*

*edit*

Hamster...

There are two recoveries to do...one is your personal recovery which you are 100% responsible for, and the other is the marital recovery...which you are only half. And all of your half.

In your list, you don't say if either OM were in relationships or married. If either were, please also inform their GF or BW, 'k?

What else is missing is your new set of extraordinary precautions...which means you really do end your long-time opposite sex relationships.

Do these whether or not you recover your marriage.

Also, I'm confused about your question which begins the thread...I originally heard you saying, "I've done a ton of damage...is staying in contact, not signing the divorce papers, adding more to that damage, or is fighting for my marriage allowed?"

Something like that...not quoting you...and it's a legitimate question when you come to fully realize just how much destruction you've done that cannot be undone...and you don't want to keep adding to the crap.

However--you later said that BN stated that no-way, no-how does he want to stay married--that he wants you to stop trying, stop contacting, accept you ended your marriage. So that's where my confusion comes in...

because when he said this, and you continued to fight for the marriage, you were doing exactly, again, what I thought you were saying you didn't want to...which was to inflict further suffering, and you know he's suffering...and by now, I hope you know that it takes at least two years for him to personally recover...so please explain why you couldn't decide by yourself?

I'm glad you came to MB...it is a great place to change your life...the whole of it...and I hope you continue to work on yourself...because there was some deep self-deception going on for a very long time to get you to where you were, and to do what you did.

And just for info...the fact that you are the daughter of infidelity raises your risk of infidelity sky high. And ask yourself why you didn't ask your mother instead of your father...which might be really important.

LA

What do all of you mean by Troll? I hope you all understand that you aren't the only individuals seeking help or in need of advise.

I don't need to make my own post because I've made my decision to leave my wife and frankly I have enough going on in my life to have to deal with individuals that add no value to the issue at hand.

*edit*

I don't know if you are a troll or not.

However, I do know you've been given some very good advice.

1. Divorce. You are early in the marriage, you have no children by her, and she's a repeat cheater. So divorce.

2. If you want to discuss anything further, start your own thread.

You have been given some advice, so either take it, or stop complaining about the advice you've been offered but don't want to accept.

Thanks Enlightned Ex.

To clarify a few things:

- My wife initiated this thread because she was in need of advise, good or bad.

- I don't need a post because I already agree with a lot of the replies and have already requested the divorce paperwork.

- I am not complaining about any of the constructive comments, good or bad as they actually make my tough decision that much easier.

*edit*

I'm not sure why people can't just let the mods deal with trolls. They seem to be pretty good about that, as they're the ones with IP information. Perhaps it's a need for some to appear more perceptive than others. <Shrug>

BN, why not start your own thread, as several posters have reasonably suggested? Why keep showing up on your wife's thread? If you're having trouble dealing with your wife's infidelity (and what BS does not?), there are people here who could help you with that. Also, it's best not to respond to unhelpful posts. Critical posts, yes, as they tend to make you think. Thinking is good! But how does responding to posts about olfactory issues help *you*?

pk

Since we cannot control what bN does, why not just set the boundary that we'll not engage him in this thread.

If he wants to engage folks, then say, like I am saying here, that I'd be happy to continue the conversation in another thread.

We can't control where he posts, be we can control how we respond. Just like we suggest he not respond to those who are not being helpful. To remain consistent, perhaps those who believe he should create his own thread choose to no longer respond to him in this one.

Thoughts?

bN,

If you want to continue, I believe this link will allow you to post a new topic (I.E. a new thread)

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=newpost&Board=35

Excellent idea!

pk

I'm not sure why people can't just let the mods deal with posts they perceive as unhelpful. They seem to be pretty good about that. Perhaps it's a need for some to appear more righteous than others. <Shrug>

Please stay on topic.

Yes, we are following this thread.

When we were getting married, I was elated. I was so excited about the wedding and so happy to be getting married. We had a beautiful wedding with my whole family and friends present. It was the wedding of my dreams. So you had your dream wedding � and then got stuck with a marriage.

Financial Stability: I make a significant more amount of money than my H (I know this statement will upset him). (No, I think what upsets him more is that you seem to believe he is a lesser person because of it) I had my son very young, but somehow the mistake of having a child young motivated me to excel in my career. Since then, I have been very ambitious. I do not see the same ambition in my H or desire to "move up the chain" to earn more money to support our family. Prior to marriage, he made a promise to further his education and immediately after marriage all intent to pursue that route was gone. He was married to me now, and therefore it did not matter to him to complete that goal.

2. Family Involvement: After marriage, my H's attention towards our son waned. He hardly spoke to him and had no interest in quality time alone with him. My son remarked to me, my parents, my sisters----that my H was cold and mean to him. Our son was very unhappy. I actually never heard my H say that he loved our son until after he learned of the A. (Not even once in the 7 years you�ve been together?) I am not sure why that is. H has since apologized to our son for that behavior and our son is a good kid so of course he forgave him.

3. Admiration/Affection: After marriage, my H rarely wanted to have sex and told me "there was more to life". He did not initiate sex and he hardly gave me compliments. He showed affection, but it was rare. H rarely did "thoughtful things" to show me he cared or to help of his own offering---and since, I have a stressful job---those little things would have meant a lot. (I do admit that he did help when asked---after complaining)

4. Recreational Companionship: After marriage, my H rarely liked to go on fun "trips" with me or do things like shop with me. I would plead with him for his time, but he was not interested. He did go sometimes.

What�s strange is that all of these things happened AFTER the marriage, you say it was your husband that changed but I believe that it was actually you that did. Now that you�re married, he�s supposed to be doing all of the things, and be the person, that YOU want. I wonder if you started putting pressure on him to change and he didn�t react to it like you wanted. The contempt and lack of respect you have for your husband is obvious � it was probably there BEFORE you got married which leads me to ask � WHY did you get married? All of these purported conditions existed when you lived together.

Because your husband doesn't make as much money as you or show enough ambition to suit you, you felt justified in doing what you wanted because you're selfish. I am really curious how you treated your husband after you got married - sounds to me like he is only too happy to get a divorce and it's not just the affairs, they were just icing on the cake.

Re: #2 - Yes, I am serious when I say not once in all of seven years together. I am not exaggerating in this statement.

Actually, you caught me---He did not do many of those things I listed before marriage, so you raised a good question.

The relationship environment that we created is 50% my fault and 50% his fault. The affair is 100% my fault.