BCB,
You said:
I am not sure I deserve the title of a deeply religious man. I am just a guy trying to do my best at living and not cause any harm, and treat people how I would like to be treated.
Frankly, BCB the man you are trying to be is in my mind the definition of a deeply religious man. I cannot imagine a higher more profound definition, than a man that tries to do no harm, doing his best at living and treating people how he would like to be treated (The Golden Rule if memory serves me.).
I find it hard to comprehend that I could have loved someone who has the capacity to treat me in such a disrespectful and unloving manner.
I don�t. Your love is based in your faith and that faith is replete with lessons of how we are loved without deserving it. Further, good people have the ability to see good in people that perhaps isn�t even seen by the person themselves.
I find it hard to comprehend that she has abandoned her moral compass, and chosen to commit adultery, in her attempt to find her happiness.
She is lost right now BCB. It is clear she is lost and I suspect deep down even she knows it. But, you cannot change her journey. You can only be the best Dad to her children. You have waiting if not a marriage a good relationship with the kids so that she can reintegrate with them when she finds her way home. If she does not, she loses them of her own accord and choices. We are granted free choice. Churches are filled with folks that lost their moral compass at some point in their lives.
I find it hard to comprehend how weak and immoral we humans can be. How she can choose to be callous and hurtful. Or perhaps she does not even recognize it as she is only focused on filling her own selfish desires.
It only makes our success all the more amazing BCB. We all have our weakness and we battle them and when we succeed in overcoming them and fulfilling our potential the success is more the sweeter. It is the nature of our kind to struggle and try to be better.
It is heartbreaking to see the impact of thoughtless, selfish desire on my family.
BCB yes it is. But have you ever thought that your family and friends are learning valuable lessons from her choices? Have you ever thought that her actions may make your children�s families more stable and durable?
I find it hard to accept that she may be mentally ill. Many of our friends are shocked and amazed, puzzled and perplexed by her behaviour. I have people tell me they are astounded at what she is doing. They have tried to console me by telling me they are amazed at how I am holding up through this. In reality I think I have been in shock and disbelief. And I think the reality is finally starting to seep in. But maybe I am incapable of seeing it.
Whatever the reason the reality is her actions. You don�t have to accept a diagnosis, you just have to accept the actions as being real.
As you talk about forgiveness. It seems to me in order for there to be forgiveness from me there would have to be recognition, confession, and repentance from her.
Years ago, probably almost 10 years ago now there were a variety of threads on the issue and concept of forgiveness. I am sure others will chime in on this. My personal take is that forgiveness is the gift you give yourself and a gift that is not earned. I prefer to think that to take her back you need to forgive her, but you need also to see �recognition, confession and repentance� before you can accept her in your life. I think people confuse forgiveness with acceptance but then as you can tell I am into words and their nuances.
I am grateful for one thing through this whole thing and it has driven me to my knees. It has forced me to understand the devastation and pain of a marriage breakdown, and it has caused me to develop compassion for others who have experienced a similar fate. It is hard to comprehend how painful it is.
And it has made you a better man. It is leading you to understand what a good relationship really is and what you need as well as the other person in a relationship. You are learning about yourself BCB and that is a very very good thing.
BCB, as you see the data, as you continue on your journey I truly think that you will come to the fork in the road and the correct path will be obvious to you. So don�t worry so much about this and spend more time focused on your children and your life right now.
God Bless,
JL
