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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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And I have to say my BF was married before and said he never wanted to get remarried again...
He did not want the rights or the responsibilities of marriage.
You heard it from the horse's mouth, plain as day.. and you pretended it meant something else.
You pretended he wanted a commitment, just not marriage.
He wanted to rent a relationship with you.
And, what is worse, he wanted to rent a relationship with your granddaughter.  Which, you allowed.
So my BF said it was no problem for him... Said we didn't need a peace of paper for our relationship to be commited..
If it were not for "a piece of paper", YOU would not be the LEGAL parent of your granddaughter.
Without that "piece of paper" your boyfriend is NOT her daddy.
Without that "piece of paper", he is not your husband.
No child support responsibility, no visitation rights.
Without my "piece of laminated paper" I cannot legally drive my car.
I have many other "pieces of paper".
My professional licenses.
Without those, I would be unable to diagnose/prescribe/examine.
Pieces of paper are not worthless.
Try getting on an airline carrier, without a piece of paper ! 
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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Posts: 35,996 |
I am so sorry but your problems are so much bigger than e-mail jokes sent to his OW, it is your whole "relationship" and the the way it started.
You recognized the pattern here.
Sunshine concentrates on the minutiae.
Sunshine ignores the larger picture.
I think you nailed it, and I did not.
It's not "pretending" that is the core failure here ... I was incorrect.
Sunshine moves from one small piece to another small piece, without ever stepping back to look at the BIG PICTURE in life.
Bravo  Saynomore !!
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 122
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OP
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 122 |
I have never told the child he is her daddy and nither has he..
She just started calling him that about a year ago...
She knows BF is my BF...
Have never pretended he is more...
He has just been here since her birth....
She knows she has a birth mom and dad I have told her that...
She has asked and I have been honest with her I do not lie to her...
She has asked questions like
did she come from my belly...
I tell her NO
I tell her that I love her and take care of her like a real mommy does... I tell her because she did not come from my belly does not mean I don't love her as if she did...
I tell her the truth...
I have had her to talk to people ( doctors )
they are the ones that have told me we need to work this out here if we can for her...
I am doing what I feel I need to do here
I am sorry you feel I am doing other wise
or maybe not handling it in the right way
And It has been taken care of if something was to happen to me...
And my brother will not stop letting her see the BF
that has been talked about much...
My brother has even asked if it would be better to leave her with BF and him over see what is going on...
Asked me if that would be better for her...
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
MARRIAGE BUILDERS
has a wealth of concepts intended to improve marriages.
Take advantage.
Read everything.
The best book for you to read.(because you are NOT married)
BUYERS, RENTERS, and FREELOADERS
Here's the link.
BUY THIS BOOK !
Best of luck to you.
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 122
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 122 |
I Have Looked at the big Picture here
is a look at my BIG Picture...
I have very small family
mom dad in there 80s
I have ( One brother )that is in his 50s
his wife in her 50s they have never had children...
didn't want any...
That is It... There isn't any more god only knows I wish there was...
So if something was to happen to me
I don't have a lot of choices here...
the child see's my brother and his wife once a year or less...
she really doesn't even know them...
They live many states away...
She only knows my mom and dad
then me and my BF
to her that is all she know
that is her family..
Not like I am here because I chose to be
I have NO other choices
My only other choice here would to be let the state take her
and hope for the best.
If something was to happen to me
I don't even want to think about that...
makes me sick to think about it...
Her birth mom a crack addict with police record
he birth dad has a police record that would take you 20 pages to print...
Please if you have any ideas I am willing to listen....
Yes Bf had an affair after 10 years together
says he is sorry
wants to be here loves us
and without him my little choices gets even smaller...
I hope you can understand that...
IO am not blind here at least I hope I am not...
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
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Sunshine - I really feel for you because it does seem that you need some help. I've been thinking about your situation for a couple of days, and here is my suggestion.
Since BF told you when he was moving back in that he is going to pay you $500. a month, be sure you get that from him. If he is a freeloader, which many here suspect, then he will have some excuse not to live up to his promise. Then you will know that you are dealing with a freeloader, and can make the proper decision.
On the other hand, if he does give you the rent, then use the money for a couple of phone sessions with the Harleys. They are experts and can turn really desperate situations around.
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 122
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 122 |
That is a very good idea
Thank You
He will give me the money he all ways did in the time that we were here before he left....
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Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
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Posts: 895 |
Shucks, Pep.  God's Blessings, Say
Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 9
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 9 |
I know how you feel! I so desperately wanted to know what the OW looked like - thinking she must be gorgeous etc. When I saw her I couldn't believe it. She is 10 years older than me and extremely plain,
Men have affairs for their own egos! My husband is better than average looking and his OW buttered him up with compliments and showered him with gifts - even bought him a $1000 Tag watch!
Insecurities and egos cause a lot of pain to others.
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