I have stepped up to the plate but it is tricky as child services is involved and I cannot be alone with them yet. I am completely stable and cherish every moment I have with them. My wife however has not spent a single day in over 28 days alone with them...always with the GF. My inlaws are in denial about an affair and are condoning her behaviour. For exaample I just spent 4 days at my in laws with my kids and their great grand ma, slept over , cooked meals, played with them etc. all while we had NO contact from mom via phone, address or what ever as she was in the city with the GF. Then they return and my wife calls MIL and asks me to leave because she wants to come home(her parents place) with the GF who has been there for the last 5 weekends. but no affair in their blinded ignorant eyes. it is this that make it so frustrating to work on your self when family does support the obvious but encourages it and kicks you in the nuts. As for the alcohol right now i am absolutely fine not touching another drink. I completely understand that rationale of what happens when you drink...and this has been a first for me to be that serious mind you I had never been that depressed before either. I will take you up on the AA thing like you said cant hurt...you arent getting referal shares are you?

LOL, no referral fees, but I do know that AA and other 12-step programs are very, very helpful.

So what are some of the things your wife complained about before she took up with this OW? I'm asking because those are the things that you need to change.

Forget about the OW for now, because she is not your problem. And don't expect wife's parents to realize what is going on.

And by the way, do you have a job?

Yes I do have a job, two actually. Well the first problem would be that I didn't listen to what her complaints or issues were so I can't honestly say I know. I do take some blame for this but she also is not a good communicator. She is one who has to write everything down, tries to explain her feelings but can't get them across and has admitted this herself. I know trust is an issue with her as there were times I would be 1-2 hrs late from work while carpooling with a female, as I'm an RN surrounded by females and always have even in HS working in a deli,which my wife and i were together then. me working with women and having them as friends has always been there but I have never hid her from my work place both physically or verbally. When out with car pooling partner we were with her husband and ball team for a couple of drinks and would always admit it upon return. she just wouldnt know where I had been. Talking openly, expressing feelings has been diff. for me d/t profession, past experiences of therapy and how it sent my parents into a down spiral and then suicide for both of them at young ages. I was basically orphaned by 30 yrs. which I now start wondering if I keep myself emotionally distant from my wife as to not get as hurt if something happens...sounds stupid but I have read this in places. There are somethings that my wife has brought up that took place many years ago but never said anything to me until now. so some of the issues are hers too in relation to the marriage. it may not be 50:50 and I can accept that as I have really learned alot about myself and why I behaved the way I did. she frequently talked about date nights, which we are both to blame for as we both spent a lot of time with other couples consistently rather just ourselves although I did take her away on trips just her and me, but still got compliants about that too sometimes which made me feel that I never could do enough. My wife has shut down and become so numb...even to the kids somewhat cant doanything without the OW and the kids. its sad. Do the in laws ever see what their child is doing and that it is wrong or am I always the big bad husband totally at fault?

Inlaws very seldom see anything wrong in their child, or if they do, they make excuses to stay out of things. Once in awhile there is an exception, but better not to count on it.

I noticed that your parents committed suicide. You probably realize that it puts you at a much higher risk of doing the same. Very sad, but saw the statistics somewhere.

Sounds like you see some of the changes that you need to make. The difficult part is that it is going to be hard with the OW in the picture. Their affair will end, but it may take time.

Get yourself on very firm footing. Keep visiting your children and spending time with them. Go out and do some healthy, fun things and mention it to your inlaws. They will let your wife know, and she may see that you are changing. I wouldn't rely on inlaws to support you at all.

I am fully aware of the risks of me ending my life being a young male, stressfull job, hx depression (myself/family), previous thoughts, BOTH parents committing suicide...trust me I know all to well that I have been sitting behind a black ball for a VERY long time and this is part of my problem...I figured I was doomed by the age of atleast 40. And I kept this stuff to myself, kept working to support, trying to have fun, trying to love my family (but apparently not to get too close aswell) so i don't have to go through another loss....not that i wouldnlt have anyway. I met with my wife and her brother today and it is so sad to see her not have any issue of an affair. I understand that there were issues in the marriage and I can even accept 60% of the probs. But to now go out and compund this on top and then make it seem its my fault that the kids are getting mixed up and sofourth and that there is now issues trying to keep the kids straight without turning them on one another. Its so hard not to say that this is where your mom wants you in life because she's not ready or has the courage to work on her marriage for your sake. As this separation is entirely her plan and that's all I'm allowed to know. I have decided to have as MINIMAL contact with the in laws as they have blinders on inteligence that didn't come that plentify in the first place. this considering the MIL cheated on her husbad way back because he was a partier and not as responsible as he should have been and therefore feels she was justified in doing it. Helpul eh?

Good that you won't be relying on the in-laws.

Chances are excellent that your wife will want to come back - you just need to be strong, and patient. Most women want to be with their children's father, if at all possible.

Your wife may not even realize that this is an affair - probably has lots of justifications of why it is not. The fact that her affair partner is a woman aids her fogginess. I'm certain that the OW is meeting the wife's needs like crazy.

So you need to stay strong, visit your children and develop a battle plan.

The main thing you want to show her is that you are accepting some of the blame for the state of the marriage, and are willing to change and fight for your family.

I have always been willing to accept some of the blame for the state of the marriage...I can even accept that it may be a 60-40 or 70-30 split! I am totally staying away from in-laws. The only one is my brother inlaw (wifes brother) and he sees the whole thing and knows what is going on is wrong. He understands like me that there are som major issues that needed to be addressed but now his sister has taken it to a whole new level for herself gratification with the OW and put the kids in a very serious spot whether we split or stay together. That is my biggest thing is how I get blamed for being selfess for attempting suicide(which I agree now that I'm lucid!) but in her eyes its ok to be selfish and have an affair which also harms the children for sure. but shes the victim right! Poor girl. It is so sad how quickly they forget all the stuff you did support them or be there for them for. Both emotionally and finacially. My wife wouldnt have a pot to piss in if i hadn't had 2-3 jobs that were flexible so she could go to the US for school to live out her dream while I stayed at home to look after a newborn( something I had no experience with, or parents around to help me) and then go back to work practically everyday so she could be off. none the less I'm not a hepo i just thought I was doing what i needed to and wanted to do to help her. The OW is a lesbian who has been trying to get with another woman and she keeps getting shot down...so I guess my wife was there for her and she was there for my wife. I now veiw my wife as ill, mentally ill as she is making choices that are hurting her children and that is not normal mother instincts. I will wait by her side as i said I would the day I married her. I do love you Lindsay.xoxox

I agree with you, but blaming her is not going to solve the problem.

I can really relate to your wife, because a similar thing happened to me when my kids were young. Their dad was an abusive alcoholic who couldn't work and then got on drugs too. I worked and tried to keep everything together, and started confiding in a woman who was my superior at work. She seemed to understand and started really meeting all of my needs. The last time my husband hit me and knocked me down, she offered her home to my children and I.

Turns out she had another agenda - she was a lesbian. And nothing against lesbians, but she was one of the small percentage who preyed on married women. Found out she had a long history of that. But we were very good friends until she started hitting on me.

If your wife and she are joking about sex toys, they're probably already in a physical relationship.

Somehow, you have got to maintain your cool and win your wife back. It will be hard, because part of their connection is undoubtedly making you out to be the bad guy.

Another thing I was curious about is why you two were together for 18 years, but only married for 7? That would mean that you got together when your wife was 15.

yes i was 17 and she was 15 when we met. We were in high school together. I have already decided they've had a physical encounter. And anyone who is involved has said she is only emoitionally attached now. I was surprised that she tried a physical encounter as she was always against that, but it makes sense that she tried it and didn't care for it.

Tor


Please confirm that you are a registered nurse. Do you work in a hospital?

Larry

Your wife may not ever have been attracted to females, but might go along just to keep her emotional tie. Who knows?

Your best bet is attracting her back to you by showing you are willing to change. Right now that will be done by seeing your children, engaging them, and just being a great dad.

Yes I am a Reg. Nurse that works in an acute care hospital. I am spending time with my kids because I want to not for her. It doesn't matter to me if she finds it attractive or not...I'm doing because thats why I had children to love them and support them and be there for them. It's what I think is part of being a dad...I only wish I had had the lucidity to think this way before I tied the noose, some of these difficulties to seeing my kids wouldn't be here...but hopefully that will change soon with child services. They are coming for dinner tonight and tomorrow...it'll be awesome to have them in their own home again. They only problem is that they will want to stay and it's hard to tell them they can't yet. Thank-you to everybody who has been talking with me I really appreciate it.

You sound like a wonderful dad.

Just keep plugging along.

Are you able to be in contact with the wife through email? We often suggest that the betrayed spouse keep sending happy emails - about what you did with the kids, friends, etc.

yes I have been in contact with her as I have to arrange visits with her. Had the kids tonight and it was awesome till I had to take them back to the inlaws where they are living with mom. then the crying and screaming "i wanna stay here, i dont want to live there!!!" I breaks my heart everytime I have to take them back...then my 9yr old sobs himself to sleep. It's so sad and unecessary the hurt they are going through. Get to have them for dinner tomorrow so something to look forward to.

Keep on being there for your kids. They need a sane person in their life.

If you can think of some nice things to chat about, email her, things about what you had for dinner, what the kids did with you.

You can also talk to your children and let them know that you have a plan. Sometimes that allays their fear.

So my wife called child services to talk to them because she is recognizing it is difficult for me to go to my inlaws and see children when faced with thier lack of support and probably to give her a bit more freedom from me having to be there so she can do her own thing. Aswell as the children are desparate to be in their own home. It is up to her whether she feels I am ok enough to have kids for unsupervised or overnights....so tonight the kids are staying. I wonder if she is realizing that my issues now are not really what ultimately lead to my depression/suicide (except her separation and affair did not help my thinking that's for sure when that was going on!) I only found out about the affair and want for a separation when I started snooping because I was suspicious about her texting secretly and erasing them all the time, and the new interest in going to see her friend in the city. Never mind all the weight loss, new clothes, interest in her looks more than normal, staying to work late more often...etc. It all makes sense now. I still love her and wanna work through this. Is it wrong to buy her flowers or do you think it will push her away? I was going to give them to her as a thank-you for talking to child services and working out the unsupervised visits.

What are ppl talking about when the mention Plan A and B ect.?

This quote is from the "Welcome To The Marriage Builders Discussion Forum"


10 basic concepts