Sorry I didn't reply I didn't see this...
my husband and I were separated for a dew years due to my daughters drug use..
He was an enabler I was not...
I had been hit by my daughter and H would do nothing...
I got hurt pretty bad once when she was high...
I had been gone from here for a long time and living at my moms and working when I met my boyfriend...
I stayed friends with my husband tried to help him all I could when he got sick...
Just because I had to leave due to the problems with our daughter to me didn't mean I had to leave him in the dust when he got sick...
We had over 25 good years between us... He just could not stop helping our daughter...
He would even go pay people off that said she owed them money... for drugs...
When they called me once for that...
I told the dealer I wouldn't pay him anything and he if felt he had to hurt her have at it... Leave me alone..
they never called me back...
I am sorry I didn't respond sooner to you

Sunshine,

You've been through so much. Why didn't you divorce your first H?

Bea

Sunshine,

After reflecting on your timeline and doing some math, here's what it looks like to me. You've been with your SO 11 years, but your H passed away less than 5 years ago. You said you were separated a few years, but to me, a few isn't the 6+ you would need to get to to make the timeline work. (I think you said you had been separated a year or two before you got together with your SO.)

Is it possible that the reason you're so paralyzed by your current relationship and situation is that you did the same thing to your H and your SO knows it? Do you feel you don't have the right to insist that he do all the things necessary to repair your relationship because you never did them?

Even if you did not meet your SO until after you separated from you H, you were still married and thus still having an A, no matter how separated you were physically and emotionally from your H.

Was your SO M at the time your relationship began?

Did either you or your H have other A's during your M?

The odds of an affairage (or in this case an affairelationship) lasting are very small indeed. That you've made it this far is remarkable.

To me, it seems like you would benefit from getting out of your current relationship and doing some work to heal, learn and grow.

Bea

I filed for a Divorce...
He begged me not to....

Then my lawyer told me if I didn't need any money from him...
Don't get the divorce..

Because of so many years together I would lose all
his retirement and all...
Our home was paid for...
He got sick
I didn't want to force him to have to sell and split everything...

We stayed friends ...
He understood why I had to leave...
He knew I didn't leave to be with anyone else...

I was there for him till the end helped all I could...
I felt I owed him that much...
I was upset that in the end I had to leave...
My doctor told me I had to leave to save myself...

That if I stayed I might get hurt really bad the next time my daughter turned on me while being High...
She wasn't that bad till she got on Crack...
Once she got on that you never knew what was going to happen day to day...
It was a mess....

We cross posted.

Still curious about the timeline.

Given your situation, how did you feel about having a relationship while married? Was that difficult for you?

I had moved out and to my moms..

I met my boyfriend at work...

I had been gone for about 8 months before I started seeing my BF
Had to stop and think here on the time

No either of us had never had an affair while married and living together...
I would have not done that and either would my Husband done that...
In fact if someone would have told me this would have happened to us...
I would have told them they were crazy....

This is in response to your question about the NC e-mail in your other thread.

There's no point, in my opinion, in you sending a NC e-mail. If your SO does it, it indicates to you and to OW that he's serious about NC. He's obviously not serious about it or he wouldn't have been sending the e-mails and he wouldn't hide his phone from you.

Is he dependent upon you financially at all? How aware are you of his finances given that you're not M? Is it possible he's having financial difficulties and is mooching off you and still involved with OW?

Are your own finances protected from him?

Was your SO M when you met him?

Yes in the beginning...

After awhile I talked to my husband about it
He said he understood...
I know it may sound weird...
But even being gone we got along...


And I have to say my BF was married before and said he never wanted to get remarried again...
His wife got into a relationship while he was in Korea for 12 months...
They couldn't work it out...
So my BF said it was no problem for him... Said we didn't need a peace of paper for our relationship to be commited..

NO

Sorry, I'll take a break from posting to give you a chance to catch up.

I am curious to know how you felt about being M and still in a relationship. Is there some level of guilt there that's affecting you now?

Was your H already ill when you left?

Had he given you his blessing to have other relationships when you met SO or was he still hoping for reconciliation?

I think it would be unlikely that after 25 years of M, your H, who didn't want a D, would be OK with you in an other relationship.

Is he dependent upon you financially at all? How aware are you of his finances given that you're not M? Is it possible he's having financial difficulties and is mooching off you and still involved with OW?

Are your own finances protected from him

My accounts are all my own...

His checking is in my name also...
that is the way he set it up I have debit card to his account...
I never use it... He gets upset...
Now that he no longer has to pay for the apartment he said he was going to give me 500.00
a month to help with the bills here...
And he buys food here...

He really couldn't afford to while he was still paying for the apartment...
He just let the apartment go the first of this month when the lease was up...
He hadn't stayed there for 9 months but didn't break the lease as he didn't want to ruin his credit... I can understand that..

He is not free loading here...

Yes it might be better on him money wise
But he does help
and says he doesn't want to feel like he is free loading here
He really isn't that way...

I know some have felt he was..
But he is not...

Yes it is cheaper here being my home is paid for

My husband would have liked to work it out...
But he would not make my daughter move out and she was in her 20s at the time...
I could not live with her...
I could not enable her to do drugs...
we fought about that all the time...
It was like a nightmare living with that...

So I stayed at my moms...

After awhile my H excepted the fact I was not going to come back and live like that...
He didn't get sick really sick till awhile after I left his kidney failed... He has sugar...
after that he went down hill fast...
when he was passing made a promise to him that I would
always make sure that our grand daughter was taken care of.
He loved her very much and so do I ..

I will all ways keep that promise and never forget it...

About the financial issues, has he actually paid you anything since the lease was up on his apartement? How long has his lease been up?

Did he try to sublet it?

Is it possible he was going there other times w/o your GD? Lunchtime? Is his work schedule flexible.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is his motivation for coming back to you since he does not appear to be committed to recovery.

Is he cake eating in the sense that he gets financial security from you and getting his EN's met via OW? Between the cell phone and the apartment, it just raises so many huge red flags.

The anger over you using the debit card on your account is a problem. You know that, right?

I didn't realize your daughter was living with you at the time you moved out. I completely understand your choice and think you did the right thing. It must have been very hard on both of you.

When you moved out were you hoping it would force your H to wake up and do the right thing?

Did your H ever try to get you to end your relationship with SO?

In the end, you need to find the strength and conviction to stand up for yourself and your relationship. Ask yourself why you can't. Is it guilt over your M? Is it his anger that's controlling you?

All the tools are here at MB and you've already been great advice in this thread.

You also would be wise to really think about whether this relationship is best for you and your GD. Yes, splitting up would be hard on both of you, but you can get help and look forward to better times. If you stay in the relationship, absent some serious change, you're just going to keep reliving this nightmare.

Have you considered counseling with Steve Harley? Your situation is so complex that it seems like expert help is needed.

Him getting upset over the debit card is..

I DON"T use his debit card to help pay for stuff like when I go shopping for food...

He wants me to use his debit card....

I want to explain a little more here..

Everything was good with my BF and I
right up to the point of moving back into this house after my husband passed..

We me and my BF had to quit our jobs...
I couldn't travel anymore to work due to the fact I had to take my Grand Daughter ...
Made the dission to move back to this house...
which in hind site was not smart on my part...

My daughter was living here...
We moved in she was still here...
It took me awhile to get her out...
Had to go through the courts...


But had to move in here being everything was being stolen
from the house.. IF it wasn't tied down it came up gone...

She was really mean to my BF the fights you would not believe...
she would say to him how does it feel to be sleeping in another mans bed stuff like that...

It started to take a toll on the relationship with us...
He moved out...

He says the OW never happened till he moved out of here they talked at work but never went any farther till he moved...

After he moved out about a month later the court got her out of the house...
He says he couldn't take anymore of the fighting...
I understand that...

SO we were seeing each other we went to his apartment he came here about 4 days a week...
At this point I had no idea about the OW...
when I found out...
That is when I told BF there would be no more contact with me or grand daughter...

That is when he started talking about coming back...
wanting to have this work..
He said he loved me and my grand daughter...
At that point I said to him

If you move back here I ask that there be NO contact with the OW he said OK...

It is only by checking email that I know he has sent her jokes...

He doesn't see or spend time with her... He is here all the time...
He goes out of his way to let me know where he is at all times..

He has said to me
That he never cheated on me when here before
and now that he is back
he would not cheat on me now either.

I told him 2 weeks ago I had a gut feeling there was contact...
He said what else could he do
he doesn't talk to her
he has changed jobs...
and so on...
I would not let on I seen email... of jokes...
I told him If I found out there was any contact no matter how small he might think it is...
I wanted him to leave here...
That I wouldn't stand for it anymore...
since that talk
I have not seen that he has sent her anymore jokes...
If I do I will let him know how I know
and ask him to leave here...

Sunshine,

I am so sorry but your problems are so much bigger than e-mail jokes sent to his OW, it is your whole "relationship" and th the way it started. Cut your losses, work on your own stuff. Do it for your grand daughter. If you have adopted her, you owe her that.

God's Blessings,

Say

I understand the child has developed an emotional attachment to a man who is pretending to be her daddy.
This is your doing. This is your fault. Not the child;s. Not your boyfriends.
I am concerned with the fact that this poor child "thinks" she has a daddy, when she does not.
How do we know?

(see below )



A daddy has legal rights and responsibilities to his child.
This pretend daddy, does not.
You have the legal right to prohibit him from seeing her .... ergo, a pretend daddy.
If something were to happen to you, the child's legal guardian could prevent her pretend daddy from seeing her.
If you separate from her pretend daddy (your pretend husband) he has no legal responsibility to make child support payments.

He is a pretend husband and a pretend daddy because there is no legality to his position.

There is emotional attachment. I do not make an argument that there is not.
That emotional attachment alone does not make this man her daddy.

A real daddy is still present in a child's life, even after adults break up.
Why?
Because a real daddy has rights and responsibilities.
Child support responsibilities and visitation rights.

You like to pretend.

I am not saying this to be mean.
It is my hope you will look at this situation with new eyes.
You must consider the fact that you have permitted a deep emotional attachment to occur between your boyfriend and your granddaughter.
You must also take responsibility for her heartbreaking loss if you decide he can never be in her life again..

You pretended he was her daddy, then you consider yanking that relationship clean away.
Because you can.
Because it is pretense, without any social/legal underpinnings of a real daddy.