ML,

I just celebrated 21 years of sobriety.

You have accomplished something very special and I think it's awesome.

You hit on it exactly. An affair has all the very worst traits, dishonesty and thoughtlessness and selfishness. Those traits lead to its quick demise and the infidels quickly fall out of "love." Most affairs end within 2 years of exposure.

Congratulations to you, Queenie!

Thanks ML,

I realized on Friday when I got my chip that it was the first chip I had ever received for my sobriety. It was always more important to honor my H and his accomplishments.

Going through what I have been through this year, not drinking or using is nothing short than a miracle.

And I no longer take my sobriety for granted OR deny that I am blessed to have walked through this pain, clean and sober.

I read somewhere (on this site) that conflict and sacrifice can also hold an affair relationship together longer (i.e. they are giving up all this for their "love"). I also believe that pride holds them together when the rush fades and they come to realize how much they gave up and for what.

For the record, I have a very highly addictive personality. I'm hooked on smoking, junk food and caffeine and I definitely drink too much (not sure if it's an addiction yet but it could be). I avoid gambling and drugs (because I know I'll get hooked). I've been addicted to tv programs, video games and all sorts of weird things. I am the BS and it never occured to me to cheat even though my M was not anywhere close to perfect.

Congratulations Melodylane!!!! What an awesome achievement!

And Congrats to Queenie as well!!!!

My WH is an addict/alcholic and I am CONVINCED that he is actively ADDICTED if for no other reason than he is selfish, self-centered and self-destructive.

The hardest part is that if he were drinking and using through this, I think he would eventually get it that he is in trouble. But because he is sober (at least I think so), he just doesn't get it at all.

And that's scary. Because he is killing himself and there is nothing I can do for him.

I pray nightly that he ends up in the rooms of AA because then I know he will be on the road to recovery.

At least I can pray so.

It's also harder to convince others that he is actively in an addiction and thus I don't get support in my real life.

My WH wouldn't drink during the week but when we socialised on the weekends he would always get drunk..he could never drink responsibly..it caused many fights between us and he couldn't see the problem.Now he drinks every night with OP.My kids have told him they don't like it and he ignores them..

The few friends he had left don't see him either because of his drinking.OP is enabling his drinking.Surely if they are so in love they don;t need to drink like this?I used to worry about him but now his OP's problem.WH is OP's boss too so she has a lot to lose if she starts laying down the law.Its been 15 months now and I wonder how much longer this lifestyle will last.WH's dad is a heavy drinker too.

Thanks, Tabby

Thank you MelodyLane and Tabby. I think that my WH is being self destructive. Partly because of what he is doing to us, to our relation and our life together. But I think the biggest loss for him is what he is doing to himself, betraying everything which has been important to him.

When I was a teenager I behaved very badly towards my mother and it has haunted me as an adult. I know that I can't change it, I can only change what is now and hope for a good future. But I have caused damage and I can't repair it, my mother is dead. I think that is one reason why I really want to recover our marriage. I want to forgive him, I don't want to be gone when (or if) he asks for my forgiveness because I don't want him to hurt like that.

Sorry for being OT, I got a little carried away there.

Congratulations to Queenie and MelodyLane, it is wonderful that you have won your lives back!

bumped for Danilocomo11

Thanks Tabby...

I knew that I had read about affairs and addiction somewhere else! Here it is:
http://web4health.info/en/answers/life-love-switch-partner.htm

From the link:
"People with an infatuation can become as ruthless as drug addicts. Children and partners are sacrificed."
"A crush gives an inebriation very similar to the one caused by drugs. Life becomes sweeter and the crush or the drug is the most important thing in one's life. Other people may suffer."

I don't agree with everything on that website but this article has some points.

Let me say this another way....

Someone who has an addictive personality is more susceptible to having an addiction to more than one thing.... they start with smoking ... then Alcohol.... coffee... pornography... and then finally into the dark pit of.... coco beans....AKA Chocolate... LOL

Having one addiction doesn't mean you have an addictive personality... but I believe someone who does have multiple addictions is more suseptable to affairs.



While I’m on the subject of chocolate.... isn’t a bean a fruit? And isn’t chocolate made from a coco bean? Therefore chocolate is a fruit and you should have 3-5 servings a day for a balance diet....LOL

I knew someone would find me a way to having my chocolate all day long. Thanks Amazin'.

I was a smoker, for probably 8 years of my relationship with PWC. I quit, cold turkey. I didn't like it at first, it was rough. All I could think about were cigarettes and that FEELING of inhaling, not to mention that constant companion, to be brought out when I was bored, or lonely, or nervous or breathing, I could have a smoke to fill my time. The downside was that it was like a ball and chain. Most restaurants don't allow smoking, and now the bars have banned it too. I hated not being able to smoke after a meal, or ANYWHERE. I would go out, but not enjoy it, because I was obsessing over when I could take a smoke break.

Slowly, I began to withdraw, and filled my time with other things. Now, I couldn't imagine even holding a cigarette in my hand. It's so foreign to me that I ever even liked smoking. Of course, because of how addicted I was, one puff and I'm a full blown smoker again; I know I can't have just one, so I avoid them at all costs.

In that respect, I totally get how addictive affairs can be.


Now, take away my coffee and they'll be a scuffle.

I just found out this morning that I did a major Love Buster by not showing my appreciation for doing the laundry and hurting his feelings and it made such a major withdrawal from his Love Bank that in return he did everything in his power to hurt me which made major withdrawals in my Love Bank as well. I believe that his affairs are emotional rather than sexual for now (He still gets it from me & althought I haven't asked him point blank about any sexual affairs I don't think he has gone over the edge) but with his EN being satisfied by these other women & his addictive behavior I'm very concerned that it could happen. So far I believe that I can work on plan A and at least try to make deposits in his Love Bank and see if he comes around. He made up his mind that he wanted to separate from me 3 years ago mid-January when he started to travel for work but he didn't tell me of his plans & divorce only became an issue because our youngest is graduating from college this month. Hopefully he's still got somewhat of an addiction to me that he will hang on long enough that I can win him over by making major deposits in his Love Bank. I'm going to tell him that it is only fair that have more time to adjust to the idea of getting a divorce since he has had over 3 years now while I try to work on making those deposits. I know that if he doesn't give me the time that I need that I will be on plan B in no time and will probably hate him for the rest of his life for what he is doing to me and will be cordial at best whenever I see him even if it's for the sake of our daughters. Our oldest just got engaged last month to a wonderful guy who she has dated for 5 years and our youngest has been in a relationship with the same guy for 4 years.

Bump