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I'm advising you to consider that your AO's may have been, to her, as bad as if you'd hit her, from the very beginning. I consider my angry outbursts to have been indescribably hurtful to my wife and inexcusable. I just don't want people to be under the impression that I belong in jail.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I consider my angry outbursts to have been indescribably hurtful to my wife and inexcusable.
I just don't want people to be under the impression that I belong in jail. I figure if you belong in jail, you'd be there. Or you'll land yourself there on your own. I'm not the police, nor a judge or jury.  I was just responding to your statement that you had only been violent the one time. As well as the way you seem to downplay that one incident. Like, "oh, yeah, it was horrible, but you have to understand the circumstances, and it was just the once..." (no, that's not what you said, but that's how it read to me) All I'm trying to do is give you some perspective. Take it as you will. 
"When people show you who they are, believe them." -- Maya Angelou
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If you both have abuse issues, even financial abuse,,,you need a professional counselor if you are not already going there. This MB board cannot help you.
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If you both have abuse issues, even financial abuse,,,you need a professional counselor if you are not already going there. This MB board cannot help you. What the heck can this board help with then??? This situation isn't even close to the infidelity abuse situations that seek and get help all over these MB boards all the time. Many marriage with far more abuse and dire circumstances have been saved....right here on MB discussion forums. One over-aggressive squeeze of a wife's arm does not an "abuser" make. "Abusers" don't show up on MB to try to fix their marriage. They don't beg their wives to post and enthusiatically try to apply the principles in their marriage. Finally, "abusers" NEVER adopt POJA. It's not in their chemistry. Just because you couldn't get help for your abuse issues here doesn't mean that others with more minor problems can't get help with theirs.  Mr. W
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering) DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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I have no abuse issues myself.
But i am confused. She says he long time abused her in many ways including when she was pregnant. He says NO.
How can we deal with it? who is lying?
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If you both have abuse issues, even financial abuse,,,you need a professional counselor if you are not already going there. This MB board cannot help you. Bubbles, I've known for awhile you can't help me. * You saw not staying with my wife as an option. * You contradict Marriage Builders principles when you post. * You have such little attention to detail that you don't even see a couple posts back up that I mention we are seeing Steve Harley. I've received an enormous amount of help here so far. Thank you to all of you kind folks doing the best you can to help. I'm not going anywhere, but Bubbles is now on my ignore list. Sorry if I offend anyone by this "angry outburst." I hope I'm not being abusive. I am being quite sarcastic.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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She says he long time abused her in many ways including when she was pregnant. He says NO. Seriously, are you literate?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Renaming my thread, again...
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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He once became so angry with me that he pushed me into a door frame when I was 9 months pregnant, leaving a bruise on my arm and a hip that screamed in pain every time I walked. I huddled on the floor as he stormed away that day, and I knew then that I no longer loved him. I hated him
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From another poster
"As a side note: You are very fortunate. I don't know a single person IRL who has made the transition you described and eliminated domestic abuse in their marriage via counseling, support from family and friends, or other treatment methods. They either stay with their abuser or they left / the abuser left. Family pretends not to see and they are too embarrassed to tell their friends.
Also, Dr H recommends separation in cases of physical abuse until the abuser can protect their spouse from the harm of physical attacks. In Prisca & Markos' case (as seems to be the case with me & my DH) the physical attacks are no longer an issue. My DH has not yet learned to manage his urges toward AOs. His relative calmness now appears to be in response to the changes I have made with the help of MB... but Markos has proactively learned not to do AO. (Kudos to Markos!)
Anyway - I am totally with you. As you said, I don't feel I should fault myself for my reactions because they are the result of living through years of trauma. (I sincerely wish my DH had a better understanding of that.) My goal now is to get well...and get past it....become a better me. I am starting my IC enthusiastically. I have started a journal or my feelings and my questions so I will be ready.
Last edited by Bubbles4U; 03/19/10 02:36 PM.
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I guess I wasn't clear before: Go away, Bubbles. 
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Bubbles, You really gotta read what you post before you click submit.
I want to see everybody heal who are here. Including you but please read and read again the whole storys and be certain you understand what is going on ok?
Everyone needs support here, We all find times when we think we should pick apart a story to be sure its true. You seem to think everythings a lie and accuse posters of spinning tall tales.
I think you should start a thread about your experiences that have made your outlook this way. If you have one where we can support you and help you heal I will look for it. Remember though that some of us do not have an active marriage in distress. I for instance just lost my wife. I still benifet from helping ppl here, (as best as I can), but its understood by me that there are many in crisis that need imediate care.
Do you have an IC Bubs? I have as many as I can get..
Last edited by SortedSomeOut; 03/19/10 06:04 PM.
Me 56 Former BS Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years. 4 children DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4 Me former BS DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr DSs 26 and 23 Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
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From another poster
"As a side note: You are very fortunate. I don't know a single person IRL who has made the transition you described and eliminated domestic abuse in their marriage via counseling, support from family and friends, or other treatment methods. They either stay with their abuser or they left / the abuser left. Family pretends not to see and they are too embarrassed to tell their friends.
Also, Dr H recommends separation in cases of physical abuse until the abuser can protect their spouse from the harm of physical attacks. In Prisca & Markos' case (as seems to be the case with me & my DH) the physical attacks are no longer an issue. My DH has not yet learned to manage his urges toward AOs. His relative calmness now appears to be in response to the changes I have made with the help of MB... but Markos has proactively learned not to do AO. (Kudos to Markos!)
Anyway - I am totally with you. As you said, I don't feel I should fault myself for my reactions because they are the result of living through years of trauma. (I sincerely wish my DH had a better understanding of that.) My goal now is to get well...and get past it....become a better me. I am starting my IC enthusiastically. I have started a journal or my feelings and my questions so I will be ready. Bubbles, that was my post, and it doesn't serve as ammo for what you are saying about Markos. You are not helping. What you are doing is the opposite of "help". Please stop. These 2 want to work things out and they are working with Dr. H - so I don't get what your problem is with them.
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Hey Bubbles I searched your threads that you have started and thier are none that are asking for help. Please start one and spill yur guts about why you attack ppl so much. I know its not because you think your perfect and I don't think you realize how you sound.
Me 56 Former BS Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years. 4 children DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4 Me former BS DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr DSs 26 and 23 Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
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Well, what a morning. We had our second session together with Steve Harley, and then we scheduled our first week of 15 hours of undivided attention together. Prisca even offered to get up with me TWO mornings during this coming week to spend time with me before I go to work!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I am very happy for you Markos. This is so wonderful. It's really nice when both spouses are on board with making things work. 
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Awesome Markos.... My wife tried that as well and it turned out not to be a good thing so we switched it up. I'm just telling you that so you're prepared and don't hold any resentments on that if it doesn't work out.... Anywho, progress brother, progress....
Hugz, Thoughtz, & Prayerz
Bill
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I won't hold resentment, particularly if we're getting that undivided attention time some other way.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Grats Markos..Good news indeed
Me 56 Former BS Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years. 4 children DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4 Me former BS DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr DSs 26 and 23 Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
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Well, that was a pretty good night of undivided attention playing board games, until she threatened to throw the board at me...
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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