My H and I are headed to a divorce. I am the fWW. I didn't want the divorce, but my H does and I don't blame him. Paperwork is in process.

I spent time with H since Thursday and we had a lot of fun. We went to the movies, had dinner, walked around the city---loads of fun. Felt like old times. This morning, he once again felt hatred towards me and began the name calling/"I hate you" talk so I asked him to leave. I understand his anger, but those sort of talks can't really be helping anything.

That happens often---he hates me and leaves, he comes back and is happy, he hates me and leaves, he comes back and is happy...has been going on for a month now. All the while, paperwork is in process.

Now I'm alone again and it sure is lonely. Boy - they were right when they said, the "grass isn't greener".

Sorry you are going through this Hamster.

Your H is in pain because of the betrayal. You understand right?

Are you guys working MB together?

Sorry - some background. We had a short marriage (our 1 year is next week) and were together for 7 years prior to marriage. No kids together (I have one from a previous relationship, but never married prior). Filed for divorce to "cut our losses"

Yes, I understand. I would be just as mad if I were him so I don't blame him. When he is not angry, we have a lot of fun. I think its the whole---fun/love, then gone again that makes it so hard.

I'm still reading the MB books and the message boards. Maybe he will have a change of heart. Maybe he won't and I'll use the material to be a better person next time.

hamster you intrigue me with your honesty and you also are very clear in your writing. I read your "Surviving" thread and understand your situation.
I don't have any advice for you but it's good to see you hanging around and trying to learn what you can about MB. Personally I'm in a similar situation of trying to learn from the many mistakes I made in my M and not carry them with me into my next serious relationship, which I figure I'll start pursuing in about 5-10 years (JJ).
My ww is moving out in 10 days. I'm nervous about how much I'll miss my kids when they're with her.
Actually I do have advice - it was given to me not too long ago. STAY BUSY. That's what I plan to do. I have so many projects lined up it ridiculous.
You're husband is still acutely hurting. Time is the only thing that will heal his wounds; he's lucky you're letting him vent and be honest about "hating" you. It won't bring him back, but I believe it will help him move on. My ww has been gracious enough to let me talk about my true feelings on several occasions through this phase of D and it has really helped me deal. She hasn't challenged me (except she continues to claim she didn't commit "adultery" - she prefers to call it a lot of other things) on much.
well, hang in. hope this helps.
opt

Since you're on a new board now, you might want to try to find a way to link your original thread to your profile or something. It's a rather unique situation in my experience here and quite frankly a somewhat quick read for someone to get the gist of where you're coming from.
I need to re-learn my HTML tags also as I plan to start a new thread here soon and would like a quick click to my Surviing link.

Hamster, I think optimism is right. Staying busy can help with fighting lonliness.

I am not divorced (yet), but my husband is considering it. My H has told me I need to get out more. He can't be my only friend. He's right.

In the meantime, I have started expanding my social circle. My plan is to have something to do with a friend / friends either Saturday or Sundey every weekend.

Hiya hamster. Old duffer here. I bet you have read through my thread and wonder how I am offering advice on MB and yet have all that on my plate. I wonder myself sometimes.

Anyway, glad to see you still here, learning and offering advice yourself. And I am glad to see you using the guilt you feel to change yourself and be responsible for what you used to be. A lot of folks try to get rid of guilt by making excuses. Embracing responsibility for personal growth is awesome. I have written a whole diatribe about guilt. Now I am rewriting it to focus on the issues of guilt and adultery.

Apropo of nothing much, guilt can also drive a BS to do a lot of stuff to shed their own version of guilt. How do I know that? Got the T-shirt.

Congratulations! Well sorta. . .

Larry

Good idea. I figured out how to link my post in my siggy. Hope it works.

Thanks Opt and Chris. I am going to try to keep busy. I was supposed to be "busy" today, but instead I decided that moping and sleeping all day would be better. Oops!

Today, I made a move (at my parent's recommendation) to change the passwords on my email, our router, and our virtual remote computer. The idea was that if we were going to divorce than the plan of having to share all my passwords was no longer valid and all it did was give him "control". Of course, these changes enraged H as he discovered it today. I am not hiding anything at all. I decided to change all the passwords back just to show that I am no longer hiding anything. Was I wrong to change those passwords? Seemed weird to have my soon to be ex-husband have full access to all my electronic info and files, but I am not hiding anything so I guess why not.

Nope, I don't think that! I believe that the people who have been through the most have the best advice to offer. Also, I am not in a position to judge anyone---I'm just hear to learn!

I am not convinced that all is lost for you. My gut has said that from the first post I saw. On the other hand, guilt is eating him alive and he can't figure out how to get rid of it in an appropriate way. You pretty much went about it in the right way and he can't figure you out now. You are not the same person anymore.

Yea, I am hung up on the guilt theory lately. And don't tell anyone who beat on you what I'm thinking, I'm just saying

Larry

Larry, I agree. She took it on the chin over there and kept getting up off the mat to learn more. Maybe it's refreshing to see a WS taking responsibility (you and I are in the same boat with the opposite), but I feel that if I was the BS here I would be willing to listen, cautiously. But that's just me and there may be other factors, just sayin'...

Ham, D can get real ugly and BH has given you pause that he might could get vindictive. Changing the PW's and all that was just a mechanical protective action for yourself; as long as he's on the D train, it was something you had to do. Money's the same way. Let him know this is the "I'm being divorced" hamster, and when he declares he's ready to work toward recovery and you feel safe about it, the passwords come back out on the table.

How'd you get the link in your sig with a different name?

opt

Here is a good link to UBB Code

UBBCode Examples

See the example of a link under "Adding Links to Your Message". Replace the link with yours and the text with what you want the link to read. HTH.

Done. Thanks hamster.

Do you mean passwords to financial accounts? That I can understand, but not sure about the others. If it's about money, perhaps you can print out your activity online so that can see that all your expenses are legit.

I can completely understand his reaction. It's hard to trust someone when they have shown that they can't be trust and block you from certain aspects of thier life. That said however, I'd take that as a good sign. If he was dead set on divorce, I don't think it would bother him so much.

As stated before he's going through a ton right now, and I think he has to go through it. But know that this will pass and he'll be able to see things more clearly in the future. Just hope that the right decisions are made in the mean time.

good points dkd. Which pw's were changed makes a difference, sends a different signal. -you might have some backpedaling to do Ham.
I can say with some confidence that if there is to be any chance, LB's have to be completely eliminated. During my plan A, I faltered a few times and it always came back to haunt me.

I, too, would be more concerned with WH's indifference than anger.

opt

The passwords were not to financial accounts or any bills.

One password was to my personal email account, the second password was to our router (which controls what computers can use the internet), and the final password was to our home shared drive with our personal files including the logging database of my computer activity. I changed all of them back to the original password to he still has access to everything including my personal email, chat log ins, and facebook accounts. I don't want to do anything that casts a doubt on what I am doing and since I'm not doing anything wrong, it's not a big deal.

I think my parent's perspective was along the lines of "Why should he get to read all your personal email, be informed of every website you visit, or control whether or not you can use the internet at all if he is divorcing you?" Also, my parents (divorced themselves) say "otherwise normal" people do "weird things" during divorce so I was vulnerable by having all my personal communications (i.e. email and personal files) open to him.

But ya, I changed it all back immediately in case there is a glimmer of hope. I don't think he will do anything "weird".

So, are you Plan Aing? (sounds strange to have a WW doing a plan A...)

Divorce takes a long time. Lots of things can happen. Plan A will help you realize just how many negative behaviors you can eliminate from your life. It might not bring him back, but you'll learn a lot about yourself and use this "crisis" to get things going in a different direction.

~opt

Dear Hamster.
I quit posting on your other thread, I thought you took quite a bit of abuse there. That is not a MB thing, really-- just some people like to beat up WS-- they don't care WHO's WS they beat on.

I am the BS. I know what your H feels. Up and down and a mountain of hate. Problem is, you are not supposed to hate the person you married. Conflicted. That is how I felt, too.

Then I became the abuser (emotional). I could.not.let. it.go. The hate ate away at me, and I took it our on my WS, even after he said he was sorry. I never let it go.
He filed for divorce, he can't take it anymore. I can't say I blame him.

Don't beat yourself up. You said you are sorry, I beleive you. You can not live with a person who will not forgive you. It is hell for you, and it is hell for them.

Applying to both of you, guilt manifests itself in many forms. Dr. Harley has tons of advice on forgiving and moving on with life. It might be a time to review ALL of what he has to say. I know that the day I spent today reviewing about half, has helped me to get centered again.

I am going to work on more tomorrow.

Larry

Oh, and ham, I just read JL's latest to you. Food for thought. And I saw you answer to him:


***Larry looks up at the last post he did

Larry