Bugs, I know you want to keep some information private so as to remain anonymous, and I know how you feel. But adding some information could help people help you, so can you answer any of the following:

How long have you been married?
Is this the first marriage for you? For your wife? If not, how many times have you (or she) been married? Any other kids from a previous marriage?
Does your wife provide all the household income? {I've got NO problem with this; just asking.}
How do most of your conversations with your wife take place? In person, phone, email, letter, texting?

Well, if I didn't bring it up, someone else would Although your response has me curious Don't worry, I totally understand the anonymity thing. It took me a while to feel comfrotable posting details about myself, and I'm still a little cautious about that.

Affair talk aside, I personally believe that Undivided Attention is what makes or breaks someone's success at MB, esepcaiilly long term success, but also in the short term. 15 hours minimum. I don't have that with my husband, and it shows in the way we relate to each otehr. That said, we have more UA time now than we did before, and I'm working on increasing it. The other important thing about UA time is that it should be PLEASANT. (At least, this is what I think). If I have UA time where I spend the entire time browbeating my spouse about what I do and don't like about our marriage, it's not going to make him want to spend much UA time with me. In my case, my husband has an aversion to conversation much like some people have to sex, and Ieven though it is my top need, I need to let that one go for a while because whenever we attempt it, we both fall flat on our faces.

So not only am I trying to amp up the UA time, I am working hard to make sure that the UA time is not draining. That's a tall order because my husband and I have developed such different lives even though we are under the same roof. But if I let go of my need for it to be perfect and just do a little each day, it's not as overwhelming to change that habit, at least from my end.

Bugs, would your wife be willing to join you for telephone marriage coaching with Steve Harley? (See http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html )

And/or would she be willing to join you for a Marriage Builders weekend? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi011_1005.html

The answers to these questions tells us a lot about her commitment level. Regardless of where that is right now, we can help you develop a plan to find out what you would need to offer her to raise it.

BB, I still do not have a good feel for what the problem is here. What does this mean "things are not working?" What are her EXACT WORDS? Is she asking for an divorce? What?

I am completely confused here..

Mel<---slow on the uptake

For the record, Bugs, most people here are going through or have been through an affair (usually on the part of their spouse). Don't let that throw you for a loop. They are very good at recognizing the signs of an affair and will gladly point them out to you, which is a valuable service even if one is not going on in your situation. Don't let that throw you for a loop, either.

There are also plenty of us here working to better our marriages who haven't been through the trauma of an affair, in case you were worried about that.

Been married less than ten years and we are both in our first marriage. We have two kids three and one; and I quit my job to stay home with the kids when she got her current one. We communicate mostly face to face and telephone - sometimes e-mail/text.

Hope that clears up some of your ?'s.

At this point I don't feel comfortable asking her to do the telephone coaching, and the weekend thing is not possible.
I understand that some of the dynamics we have to work around may seem like I am not committed to making things work - but without going into a more detailed explanation, it would be hard to explain.
My W has not responded positively when I even suggested counseling.

ok, I still don't understand, so let me ask this another way. She says you don't respect her BY DOING WHAT? What is the BEHAVIOR that is making her unhappy? WHAT does she want you to stop doing/start doing?

Does she want a divorce? What were her words when she described the issue?

Been there. I know it sucks. It is possible to come back from there, though.


No need for further explanations. You look quite committed to me, Bugs. As far as I am concerned, your wife is lucky to have a committed guy like you. Odds are, if you hang around here and work on learning this material, she is going to be really really glad in a few years that you stuck by her and initiated the shifts that bettered your marriage. I think your commitment can be used to bring that about - if you use that commitment to motivate you to find out what you need to do, and do it.

Finding it out is going to be difficult. Your most important source of information, your wife, doesn't know how to communicate with you. That's not your fault; most people just think good marital skills should be instinctive. When they don't see it, they know something is wrong, but they often don't understand it is not intentional. What can be your fault is if your frustration causes you to react with love busters: actions that remove "love units" from your wife's "love bank." Actions such as disrespectful judgments, selfish demands, or angry outbursts. (Or independent behavior, or dishonesty such as not communicating your feelings to her.)

How familiar are you with the basic concepts described on this site? Can you read through at least that section and all of its pages?

The Marriage Builders program has a near 100% success rate for situations where both couples have followed it, accurately.

But usually one spouse is reluctant.

In those situations, Steve Harley from the coaching center has a good track record of helping the motivated spouse encourage the reluctant spouse to try out the program. Once into the program, the reluctant spouse often becomes motivated. And once both spouses are motivated, then, assuming they both understand the program correctly and follow it, success (a happy marriage full of the feeling of romantic love) is a near certainty!

Can you consider talking to Steve by yourself?

What Steve can do is help you eliminate factors on your part that might be diminishing your wife's love for you, and help you do things that will increase her feeling of love for you. Seeing a change in you, there is a good chance your wife will be willing to give the program a try. As it is now, she probably has little hope.

Bugsbunny, has your wife said anything like this or close to this:

1. I love you but am not in love with you

2. I need some "space"

3. I have been unhappy for "years" [despite evidence to the contrary]

Bugs, one of the first things you will see in Dr. Harley's writings is the advice to resist the urge to educate or "straighten out" your spouse. That includes giving her articles to read, books to read, urging her to try coaching etc., if she's at all reluctant. Anything along those lines at this point is a lovebuster and you want to avoid those at all costs.

People here have pointed out that if you start working MB yourself, and clean up your side of the street, you will have improved your marriage by 50%! And possibly more, because often, when a spouse sees his/her partner practicing new behaviors and the outcome is positive, then they are open to coming on board as well. Markos is a perfect example.

So start reading here..basic concepts, articles, etc. Check out or buy, HNHN, FILSIL and Lovebusters. Read them. If you can't get or don't think your wife will respond positively at this time to a request to fill out the EN and LBQs then do them from her perspective to the best of your ability and start meeting those top ENs and start eliminating your lovebusters.

Asking for clarity shouldn't be a love buster. If your wife is complaining, it's a good thing, as ML states, because you can take that information and use it to change your own behavior. Practice good listening skills. "I'm hearing you say that I don't do respect you. I want to work on that. What do I do that leaves you feeling that I don't respect you and what can I do to s how you that I do?" Ask for examples.

Hopefully, as she sees you making some positive changes, you will be able to bring her on board MB, or at least be open to the possibility of a phone call with Steve. He is very good at doing the "selling" that we are advising you to step away from.

Take notes, Bugs; these examples are worth their weight in gold. I was CLUELESS about all this. (Combine that with the fact that my wife thought all this came naturally by instance, and ... !!!)


Do not get mad if she cannot provide them. She may simply be unable to at this time. Or she may feel that if she does you will get mad!

Practice making sure that your reaction does not contain any demands, disrespectful judgments, or angry outbursts.

Learn the difference between demands and requests. This was really, really tough for both me and my wife. Make sure you never tell your wife what to do; make sure she always hears you asking "How would you feel if?" The difference between a request and a demand is that if it's a request, she doesn't have to do anything in response.

Why is this?

Bugs, you've gotten some very good advice here. I understand Mel's confusion, and wonder if it might be your confusion, too - since everything you listed is very vague and there's nothing there you can pin down or change without knowing specifics.

As to the question of an affair, they're much easier to fit into even a very busy schedule than most people realize. And sometimes there can be an EA (emotional affair) that causes the same rift in the marriage as a regular affair, but can be difficult or impossible to pin down.

The good news is that your course of action should be the same for now regardless of whether there later turns out to be an A or not. For whatever reason, she sounds as if she's detached from you. And regardless of the cause, the beginning steps to win her back are the same:

1. Do your best to figure out what her EN's (emotional needs) are. You have the links for the questionnaires, and over the next several days either she can fill them out with you, or take your best guess and fill them out for her. It will give you something to start with.

2. Avoid lovebusters. Ditto with the questionnaire - if she won't fill it out, do your best with what info she's already given you.

3. Once you know (or are pretty sure) what her top EN's are, do one or two things every day that will fill those needs. Don't worry about expensive things like huge bouquets, since most EN's can be met with little or no outlay of cost.

4. Read as much as you're able. There's such a wealth of free information here, and some other good sources might include The Five Love Languages, etc. You've gotten some great ideas for creatively easing your schedule to make more time for this. It will quickly become more instinctive, even if at first you're the only one making marriage time a priority.

5. Once you have an idea what your W's top EN's are, post them on here to get help with coming up with a daily plan to begin meeting them.

6. As you make changes in yourself, there is bound to be some reaction from her, either good or bad. Her reactions may be very telling to her state of mind, and putting them on here as close to verbatim as possible will be very helpful in refining your plan.

To get you started today, since a top need for women is often affection, when you see your wife give her a quick drive-by kiss and hug. Be finished and gone before she can reject you, maybe hollering, "Love you, Honey" over your shoulder as you retreat.

It's important that as you do these things for her, that you aren't waiting for or expecting a positive response. There likely won't be one at first. Reach deep and give without expecting anything in return, for now.

Then tomorrow, do the same plus maybe email her a quick love note.

The next day, maybe a short note and a quick text to let her know you're thinking of her.

Journal her reactions on here, and don't be discouraged if it seems like this is backfiring at first. She didn't get detached from you in a day, and she won't re-attach in a day. Just keep looking for the key to her heart, and you're likely to find it.

God will help you with every bit of it.

One suggestion, and I think this is actually in one of Dr. H's articles if not in one of the books...

Tell her you hear what she's saying, and understand that you need to make some changes. That you understand she's not willing to put the time/energy/whatever into counseling/coaching right now. That you want to start working on **YOUR** issues, and that you need a little bit of information from her. Tell her you have found a program that you're intrigued by, that seems to have a really great success rate compared to traditional therapy. Show her the questionnaires, and ask her if she'd be willing to fill them out. Assure her that you're not going to be grilling her about her responses, or second-guessing her, or getting upset about her responses, that in fact the only discussion you'll have about them is if you don't understand something she's stated. Start with the LB questionnaire, as a matter of fact.

can't hurt, might help Your other option is to try and fill them out from her point of view, but it sounds like you just really don't know what her POV is. See if she'll give you a peek, but make it as safe for her as you can.

Best of luck!!

Melody....that is my biggest frustration. When she tells me I am not doing something - I ask her what it is and she tells me I should know because she already told me once and should not have to "repeat herself". However true it may be that I upset her by doing something that aggravates her - if she is unwilling to tell me what is upsetting her, it is impossible to begin to make changes.
There have been times where she mentioned divorce, but to this point I think it was her way of trying to push buttons on me. It makes me very nervous since I do not currently have a job since I stay home with our children. But, in spite of that I have not bolted for the door.

Bugs, how about guessing then? If she says that she shouldn't have to repeat herself, say, "You're right. You shouldn't have to repeat yourself. I'm understanding that you don't like it when I [insert thing of choice--watch TV when you're talking, spend too much time on the computer, leave my socks on your pillow, lol], and you would like if I [insert new behavior here--turn off the TV, limit my computer use to 5-6pm, put my socks in the laundry] instead. Is that correct?"

If she still refuses to answer, tell her that you want to make her happy and that you need some guidance in this area, and that you understand if she is too frustrated right now to provide that. Promise to pay better attention in the future, and follow through! When you get a clue from her on what she wants, clarify right then. For instance, if she walks into the kitchen and sighs and starts grumbling about dishes, ask her if she'd like for you to wash them. Then do it.

If she's refusing to tell you what she wants, it's probably because telling you hasn't gotten her anywhere before. Change that.

I don't feel comfortable answering this at this time.

Do you think maybe a lot of your marital problems come from your discomfort with discussing things???